not sure what do with this....

Tah - posted on 10/15/2010 ( 22 moms have responded )




okay..this will be long....but stay with me....

so i have not slept yet and have to go back to work tonight, and this is why. After work i put the kids on the bus and had to go to my other job, get a schedule, hit the commisary(grocery store), then be home by 10 to sleep, or so i thought. I hear on the radio that a hospital is having a job fair so i call my friend to tell her about it, she doesn't answer, not out of the ordinary. I would usually call her later or send her a funny message telling her i am firing her and putting an add on craiglist for a friend who answers her This time though, something said to call her back. I called her back and when she answered she was a mess, crying and screaming and saying that she was going somewhere i couldn't understand. I thought someone had died. Then she calmed down and said that she was checking herself into the behavorial health center but she needed to put her daughter on the bus for school because she didn's want her to see her like that. I told her to stay put i was on my way because she apparently needed help, i have never in 6 years, seen my friend in such a state. little background...

She has no real family to help her, her son is special needs, she can't work fulltime because of it. Her S/O of 14 years who was there for her even when her mom and dad abandoned her and her family would not let her stay with them and she had to sneak in and out of her friends windows at night for a roof, just decided that he wanted somebody else. Her father is upset with her because she used her school money to pay up her bills and feed her children and get her vehicle fixed instead of sending money to him. Yes ladies, the father that abandoned her to care for her drug addicted mother who would meet her once a month in a shopping center give her some food stamps and a little cash and then send her to raise herself. I am proud of her because she went back to and finished her diploma, she went to nursing school, is back in school and is a great mother when her life could have been so different with the history that she has....back to the story....

I go to her house and convince her to go to the behavioral center to at least talk to someone because this is not okay i am scared of what she is telling me. She has been leaving in the middle of the night and aimlessly walking until like 5 am losing track of time. isnt eating, can't stop crying, she can barely utter a sentence without breaking down, she consents to go and we leave and her only other real friend meets us there. As we were walking in, she says that she is glad we got her because she was thinking about some rx meds she has in her house, one to lower blood pressure(clonidine) and then percocet and how she wanted it all to end. Then she says, of course she would have to take her children with her because she could not stand to leave them here knowing that noone would care for them or love them like her and would probably abuse them like she was.

This freaked us out because we know how much she loves these children, they are the reason she has accomplished what she has and is why she gets out of bed in the morning, we tried to get her to stay there, we said we would get the kids, keep them, take them to their dad..whatever, but she would not stay, she talked to someone for about 10 minutes and then came out and they scheduled her for like a week and a half away...WHATTT!!!!!...So we left, i talked to her a little and she said she wanted to go get some rest since she has not slept in forever and she felt more relaxed. This thing is, i don't trust it. I don't think there is anyway that little talk made her not consider suicide and God knows what else. She has a family history of depression and mental health issues so it is not looking really good for her right now..

My questions to you ladies:

What do i do?

If she made that comment about the kids, what would you do?

p.s i am trying to figure out what i can do since she is not family because i think she needs to just stay a few days to get away and she and the kids will be safer if she does.


Mary - posted on 10/15/2010




You're in a bit of a rough spot with this. I'm not sure how much help the police would be...she hasn't actually committed a crime, nor has she harmed her children (yet), so I have a feeling they will tell you there is little they can do. It may also push her over the edge if DCFS becomes involved; the threat of losing custody of those kids may be all it takes for her to swallow those pills.

I would see what you and your other friend can work out amongst you about not leaving her alone...I know you work nights, but is there any way the other friend can spend the night with her, since this seems to be her more difficult time, and when she is most likely to harm herself? Are there any other friends/coworkers who can help out?

I would defintely contact that clinic, explain what she has been verbalizing to you, and see what they recommend. You know better than most what HIPPA limits them from discussing with you about her care, but it does not prevent you from talking to them. Sadly, our mental health care system is so lacking in truly helpful resources, and it is damned hard to get someone involuntarily committed (which is what sounds like needs to happen). I would also be very obvious when talking with this center about making sure they understand not only how concerned you are about the safety and well-being of your friend AND her children, but also that they clearly understand that you are documenting your conversations with them ,as well as keeping track of names of all personnel you have spoken with (they'll take you more seriously - just be firm, professional and polite!).

Unfortunately, your best shot at getting her few days of inpatient care and proper intervention is to be with her during those middle of the night breakdowns when she is most vulnerable, and perhaps least lucid, and THEN call 911. If she is taken into an ER as a possible suicide threat, they will at least be required to hold her until she is evaluted by a psych doc. It sucks, but I'm thinking that is what it might take.

I wish you, and her well, and will keep you in my thoughts.

Isobel - posted on 10/15/2010




pick the kids up from school before they get on the bus (or get whoever's on the safe list to do it)...then call the cops.

so sorry this is happening :(

Krista - posted on 10/15/2010




I agree with Sharon. Call that center and tell them what she said, and tell them that you will watch them if needs be. This is a serious emergency, and a lot of people who commit suicide seem really calm and peaceful beforehand -- everybody thinks that they've gotten better, but they're only peaceful because they've made their decision. Call that center now. Like, right now.

Actually, fuck it. Call 911.

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Tah - posted on 10/16/2010




Thank you ladies, i knew that if anybody took those children from her she would really jump so to speak, so we talked with her again, the children are safe. We then took our time with her, myself, the other friend and her cousin. I called my job told them i was having a family issue and would be in later, tape report for me. I went and made sure she was okay the next shift arrived, she finally got some much needed sleep. She still isn't alone right now. she is out and about, doing things to keep her mind busy, shopping(with the cousin who was off this weekend and will be there) taking her hair out, she scheduled herself an appointment to the hair seemed a little more herself today. laughing, we talking, having girl time. She would talk about what was bothering her and that she felt stupid and embarrased for the way she was feeling about the crap guy she spent 15 years with and other things.

I told her she has no reason to be embarrassed about still loving him because they had more than a regular relationship. People don't get that when she had noone, no father, mother, family to depend on, he was there, it was more of a co-dependent/father figure(he's about 6-7 years older than us) relationship than her other friends can understand. She has been through way more than i can say and with not having any constant support system apart from him, she feels like she lost her stability. She needed a break, distraction, to know that she can talk to someone and that counseling is available to her and that someone cares, she just needed a chance to breath, not worry about bills, know that her children were safe with family for a couple days(more if needed)..and that somebody loves and cares for her regardless.......i have been calling and texting her whenever i'm not with her even i though i know she is with someone else to let her know we are still here...even when i am home taking a shower and tending to my children for awhile...

@Mary, i told her she was on q1h she they are

Petra - posted on 10/16/2010




Oh my god, Tah - I've got to go with what Mary said. If you and your other girlfriend can implement your own 24 hour watch and know exactly what resources you can utilize, do it. I really, really hope this turns out okay for her! Simply losing her children before getting the help she needs could definitely push her over the edge. But, she does need help right away and if you and the other girlfriend are the only ones who can do it right away, then by all means, do it.

[deleted account]

Doctor, police and children protection will help..if you have the kids safe..bring her to the doctor and the can make those calls for you..once her mental health state is seen by a doctor the calls will be taken even more seriously.

[deleted account]

She needs help and shes asking for it..see needs to see a doctor.ask if you can go with her for support but make sure all that she said is made clear to the doctor.What she has to me sounds like extremly bad depression but i am no doctor and thats what she needs.For now she can NOT be LEFT with the need to sort something out there.She is not in her right mind and i am sorry to say its on you , to make sure she is not around her children.Talk to her and tell her your there for her and there to help.She needs help asap.Shes lucky to have a friend in you who cares for her..i wish you all the very best.

Jodi - posted on 10/15/2010




I want to say this, when I had PPD and was contemplating suicide, my husband called and made me an appointment, mine was a few days away, but just knowing I would be getting help made me feel much better and more relaxed. On the other hand, like others have said, many people find peace in their decision to end their lives and will actually seem happy right before hand. Call the center, call the cops, call social services, anyone who can get her the help she needs, mentioning killing her children is serious (as is ending her own life) and shouldn't be put on hold for any amount of time.

C. - posted on 10/15/2010




OMG, Tah!

Well, when I was going through really bad PPD, I contemplated suicide and my husband, who was out at the time, ended up walking to the MP station and told them. They sent MPs out right away, blah, blah, blah..

Honestly, if she refused to stay at the center, I would call the police b/c she's not only putting HER life in danger, but her children's lives as well. She really needs to get some help. Nothing is worth ending your life. You can get things all worked out, you just need to try (and of course it helps if you have people that care enough about you like your friend has you and another person there).

I hope this helped.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 10/15/2010




I am in a similiar situation...I have found out alot of info on the patients rights. Call any crisis center in your area and they will inform you about their legal rights wherever you live. If you call the police, you should be able to request they are brought in to a mental health location rather than jail. Usually they can hold them 24-72 hours depending on the state of mind and evaluations. Please call the center you were at or your local crisis center for the real deal. They are going to be able to help you and your friend the most. I wish you all the best of luck!

Caitlin - posted on 10/15/2010




The police will act if you are a threat to yourselfor others, even if she denies it, they will make sure there is a follow up and everything si taken care of. Don't wait or wonder what to do, she might be pissed at you at first, but once it's under control she will thank you.

Ez - posted on 10/15/2010




Do you have a Mental Health Crisis Team or something similar? I know when a friend's mother was threatening suicide and refusing to go to the hospital, they called this service and they came to her. Once there, they can call the cops and go from there.

I agree with Mary that any intervention, especially about the kids, will likely further distress her. You DO need to do something, and quick, but I would make sure someone is with your friend at the time.

I hope you sort this out quickly. It's horrible :(

[deleted account]

Call the center and the cops about what she said about herself and taking the kids with her. If the center doesn't do anything, the cops will. they can force her to check in the psych ward for a bit. this is serious, don't wait

Bonnie - posted on 10/15/2010




She MORE than likely did not tell the Centre about her thoughts on suicide for both her and her kids. I highly doubt they would have let her leave in that state if they knew and if they do know than they don't know what they are doing there. A lot of people who are in a depressed/hysterical state can easily calm down once they realise finally what it is they have to do (ie. go ahead and take action--suicide) But yes, as many others said, I would call the police tell them the situation so they can get help for those children!

Becky - posted on 10/15/2010




I agree, call the police or DCFS. Or, aren't you on base? You could maybe call your commanding officer?
Could you or your other friend go to her house and just stay there until someone comes to help? Maybe realizing you guys are that concerned and care that much will encourage her to get some help instead of ending things.

[deleted account]

Pick up the kids and call her in, there's not anything else you can do. A whole can worms will open up and there is a good chance she won't get her kids back for quite some time. She probably wasn't telling who ever she talked to what she told you and your other friend.

[deleted account]

I would ring the centre and insist on speaking to someone myself - to MAKE SURE they KNOW what she has said about killing herself and the children, I could not relax knowing there was a risk that she would kill her children. She is very obviously in the throws of depression and as she has a family history of it, it makes it even more obvious. If the centre says there is nothing they can do or they are not willing to help I would ring social on her, I know it is harsh but when someone is having thoughts like that you cannot risk it, she vocalised them to you so it SHOWS she is not of sound mind. I would tell the social that I am prepared to look after her children so they don't go into care but they NEED to be removed temporarily until her mental health is where it should be.

Tah I hope this works out ok for your friend and her kids, my thoughts and prayers are with them.

[deleted account]

You could try calling the police (I think I'd want to be AT her house at that time though) and tell them exactly what she said to you. It's her word against yours though, so I'm really not sure what you can do. All the great ideas I can think of (like kidnapping her kids to protect them) would probably get YOU in trouble. Then you wouldn't be able to do anything to help..... :(

Sharon - posted on 10/15/2010




seeing as she checked herself in - I think if you inform the center - they can act on it. I'd call the police too, tell them about a friend who is threatening suicide and ask about your options.

Tah - posted on 10/15/2010




they can, we told her that..she isn't accepting it, i don't know what she told them because we couldn't go back with her, im sure they didn't know..she kept saying that staying wasn't an option because we kept asking her, we offered for her to stay with either of us,,she still said no....

Sharon - posted on 10/15/2010





you are obligated to tell the center she is at what she said about the kids.

She COULD assign the care of the kids to you as temporary guardianship if that is what you are concerned about, then continue with her mental health care.

[deleted account]

She needs to go back and STAY there! She made suicide threats. Do the people there know that? I thought there was mandatory 24 or 48 hour hold on someone that made those kinds of remarks?

As for what YOU should do.... I have no clue. :( Can the kids stay w/ you for a couple of days or something?

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