Not telling kids about biological dad...

[deleted account] ( 63 moms have responded )

Ok so this has been bugging me! What is it with women not telling their children about their biological father when he is absent? Is this all about hurt feelings and spite??? I understand that if he cheated on you, left you during pregnancy, is on drugs or WHATEVER the case may be that this will cause ill feelings, but does that seriously mean that you won't tell your kid about their bio-dad??? I just don't get it when I see these posts about "bio-dad stepping back into my kids life after __years" or "when should I tell my kid about bio-dad?" I just keep wondering WHY HAVEN'T U BEEN TELLING THEM ALL ALONG!!! Why would you wait until they are 6? 12? WHEN EVER??? I just don't get it??? Can you really not look past your own hurt and think about the child???

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Ez - posted on 12/29/2009

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Quoting September:

One of the many reasons I waited until I was married to the man of my dreams to bring children into the world! No non-sense to deal with!


What exactly was the point of this post? Other than to take a back-handed swipe at those of us who have had children outside of wedlock?



I hope, for your sake, your perfect husband never lets you down, because being married does not make you immune to 'nonsense', as you so eloquently put it. Life is not perfect. Shit happens. And without it some of us wouldn't have our kids. So before throwing such pointless posts as this out there perhaps you should think about what how judgemental and superior you sound.

Ez - posted on 12/27/2009

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Lying to a child about their 'real' parents is just never a good idea as far as I am concerned, as the truth inevitably comes out. My daughter's father bolted when I was 8 weeks pregnant and refused to have an abortion. He has seen photos but has not met her, and she's nearly 11 months old. I have made it perfectly clear that he is free to see her at any point, but like Jaime-Leigh, I am still waiting. I have put my own feelings about him aside for the sake of keeping the lines of communication open, but I have not heard from him in 6 months.
But I will never hide the truth from my daughter. When she is old enough and starts asking questions I will be honest. I obviously don't look forward to the day when she asks me why her father isn't around, but lying is just not an option. Understanding that her Dad has rejected her will be hard enough, but nothing compared to finding out years later that the one person she thought she could always trust, me, had lied to her.

Rosie - posted on 01/14/2010

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serina if you were talking to me, i have been in this situation, and my husband has been othe other end of this situation, i've seen both sides. my sons bio-dad is a lowlife POS that left when i was 10 weeks preg. he doesn't see him, doesn't pay support and know's nothing about my son and he wants it to stay that way. my husband has raised him as his own since he was 16 months old and he is now 9. there is no way in hell that i would lie to my son about who he is or where he came from! just cause his dad is a POS doesn't mean that i have to be one too.

am i judgemental? well yes, and i don't care. i will think of you what i want and i think YOU ARE WRONG!

Amie - posted on 01/01/2010

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Everyone handles situations and is doing what is in best interest of their child. Whether others agree with it or not does not matter. You don't know the children, the parents or what has gone on past or present.

In all honesty if I could tell my older two their "father" was gone for good I would. He's such a dipshit and a fair weather father at the best of times. The last time he saw them was almost 3 years ago before two weeks ago. He's called on average once every 6-8 months since then. Not once has he asked about the kids, until a month ago. Before that all he did was rant and rave at me. My husband and him do not get along, at all. They tried to be friends for the kids sake. That did not go well. Especially when my ex started fucking with the kids heads. /:) Our kids went to a counselor because of it. Nice eh? Our son was having nightmares and our oldest daughter had started wetting the bed. The load of spew he's thrown at them and us will never just go away. It did not stop when we broke up, it continued for quite some time after wards and got worse with time too. They've been doing well with him out of their lives. But now he wants back in, he says he's changed. I'm skeptical, he's paid loads of lip service to us all before, time will tell though.

If I could just erase him from our lives I would. No hesitation. He's hurt our kids way too much for me to feel sorry in any way for him. He brought this on himself. I will never forget the phone call when he said he would pay off whoever he had too to say me and my family were all drug users. That was when we started documenting everything. He actually had the gall to tell me people would believe it about my one brother just by looking at him! I hung up the damn phone before I said something I would regret.

As it stands now he came over 2 weeks ago for a visit. He stayed for a half hour. A freaking half hour after not seeing them for almost 3 years. /:) He does know if we are going to do this though I expect him and the kids need him to be a better class of father. As it stands now they don't know him as "dad" they won't for awhile. That is mine and my husband's decision and one my ex agreed was the best way to take. He knows he screwed up royally and it will take time to build the trust back. Our oldest daughter remembers him though, she used to call him her bad dad. That has nothing to do with me or my husband either. She started referring to him as this when she was 6 years old. Now she just refers to him by his first name.

There are so many things I could say about why some mothers just choose to ignore the bio-dad. Why they choose to erase him from their lives. I know I am not the only one with an ex who went nuts when they broke up and the mom moved on with her life. I understand my circumstances are on the extreme side. For those who just do it because they don't want to have to see bio-dad afterwards even though he is a great dad and makes all the effort in the world, well for those I'd like to give a great big kick in the ass and say smarten the fuck up.

As for extended families. Well that is something we left open for them too. I only asked them that they not refer to Jon as dad for obvious reasons. They were fine with it. They visited the kids often for awhile. Then they stopped calling about a year ago and didn't return our calls. A month ago when my ex got a hold of me I found out why. They had a falling out with him so decided to severe all ties, which meant with his kids too. Isn't that fantastic? Even they could not separate their feelings enough to see their niece/nephew/grandchildren. I just found out as well that their two great grandma's passed away this last year. Incredible people. I honestly never expected them to be this way. But whatever, my kids and I are doing fine. Their father may end up a part of their lives permanently if he continues to see them and doesn't revert. If he does, he can explain to them (as I've told him since the beginning) why he wasn't there. I'm not going to answer those questions. I have no answer for it.

Not all things can be understood in a simple post when mother's ask whether or not they should tell their kids about their fathers. Sometimes there is a lengthy history that can not be fully told in a post. Even my post is quite long and it's only the tip of the iceberg. My ex has made the biggest mess of his life that I've ever seen a person do. He needs to climb out of it and it won't be easy. Not only are their my kids he has to deal with he has 3 others out there as well.

As I said though, it's hard to know a complete history and a mom's mind frame when it comes to them asking these questions. I take it with a grain of salt though. I can fully understand some women are not strong enough or have the support system to deal with the entire fall out of dad walking away (or allowing the kids father back in their lives either). It is not easy and sometimes it has a very bad effect on the kids. I'd like to think all cases it ends happily but it doesn't. At least my kids have me, my husband and our families. They know they are loved and do not have to do anything they don't want too. Which means if they decide, at any time, that they want nothing to do with my ex after they know he is their father then that is their choice, we will all respect their wishes. Though if I could outright lie to them I would, as it stands all I'm truly guilty of is omission (which I suppose could be a lie in some minds). They only know my husband as dad.

Jodi - posted on 12/31/2009

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Quoting Evelyn:

Maybe you don't NEED to get it because frankly if it's not your situation it's really none of your business.



Evelyn, I think the point Erin is trying to make is that she doesn't understand and would like to TRY to understand, which, I see as Erin wanting to learn some level of empathy for something she honestly doesn't completely understand.  I think that is admirable, so rather that criticising her and telling her it is none of her business, let the debate give her some insight.  Sometimes, a particular situation may not be any of our business (except, if someone is posting on CoM, then really, they are asking others to stick their nose in), but it never hurts to ask a question to gain some greater level of understanding about something we know nothing about.

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Jess - posted on 03/06/2010

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I agree ! I don't see why these women arn't honest from the begining. I don't believe a child needs to know their bio-dad if he is a piece of crap and doesn't even want to know the child himself ! And I don't think the child needs to know the bad stuff. Just that their bio daddy can't be around and that's ok, that plenty of other people love them and thats all that matters. But they do need to know that any step fathers arn't their bio-dads. I think they need to know that while this step parent is their daddy in every way that matters.... but that he simply didn't provide the sperm that gave them life ! The truth will NEVER hurt as much a lie will ! I know a family that have been in this situation, the mother was pregnant when she met the man who became her husband. He has been the only father to the eldest child, but they choose to tell the truth, so their son had all the facts, no lies, complete honesty and complete trust ! I think its great when a new man comes along and loves your child so much they raise them like their own. I think that needs to be recognised and cherished ! Children deserve to know where they come from. And for those that choose to lie.... well it will all come out when you die ! Everything comes out then, the paperwork is very extensive and the government has it all listed there for your family to see. So eventually your children will find out and I think that would be worse.

Heather - posted on 03/05/2010

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I to am now strugaling weather or not to tell my 5 yr old about his bio dad. This man is never been in this childs life and i really dont think at this point wants to be a part of the childs life. But I dont want my five year old to hate me cause i didnt tell him about his bio dad. But also dont want to confuse him right now when he is really happy just the way we are. Any one have any suggestions?

Rosie - posted on 01/26/2010

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thanks erin, i should ask her. it's really hard for me, but i need to get over it. she alwys tried to defend her son when i talked to her, and she wouldn't tell me or the authorities where he was when i was trying to seek child support from him-so i have a bit of an issue with her. on the other hand, i should just get over it and try to find his sister.

[deleted account]

Kati have you tried asking Gramma? His mom may know who these women are that he has kids with, at least a name you can do a yahoo search on or something? Good luck! That's awesome you want to incorporate your child's half siblings in his life!!! props 2 u

Rosie - posted on 01/22/2010

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what you just said is exactly my point, my childs father is the man who raised him since he was 16 months old, not the dirtbag that doesn't even know how old he is. i think it is VERY important to let my child know where he came from, and even though his bio-dad couldn't take care of him, his daddy chad (my husband) loves him sooooo much that he takes care of him. i'm so passionate about this because i see what it did to my husband when he found out, and i really truly don't understand why anybody would want to do that to their own child. no matter what the reason for the lie-he's dead, he's in jail, he's a deadbeat, he was your rapist, i just don't think it is ever right to intentionally lie to your child about something that big. i do find it hard to try to find the right words to tell my child that his bio-dad is a piece of crap, who has nothing to do with all 3 of his children. but i know i just have to tell him the truth.

i just thought of something else.. my bio dad was a big piece of crap, and my mother left him when i was 2. she married my step-dad who i consider my dad when i was 6. at age 16 i got a phone call from my biodad's sister, i guess my aunt, and she told me that he had passed away. after reading his obituary i found out i had 8 brothers and sisters that i had no clue about. my mother just apparantly left out this bit of information from our conversations about my bio-dad. i really want to meet them and find out what they are like, and it still bugs me to this day 15 years later. i knew that my son's bio-dad had a son that his parents take care of for him and his ex, and they send me a picture of him once a year around christmas, so i can show my son his brother, but i didn't know about this other sibling until october when i was terminating his parental rights. it really bugs me that my son is going to grow up not knowing his siblings, and it doesn't seem right to me to intentionally leave the rest of my sons family out of the picture just because i don't want to tell him that his dad is a deadbeat. i wish i knew how to get ahold of this other sibling, it's a girl, that's all i know, and from the conversation that my lawyer had with my ex i know he doesn't even know how old his daughter is either.

Serina - posted on 01/19/2010

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First off let me say i didnt realise there were other post i dont no how i even missed them so my apoligies. secnondly i was not talking ablut any one imparticular as i am in a weird situation when it comes to bio dads. I do realise that i will probably bear the brunt of both my daughters anger but being their mam thats what im here for. They do however know that the man they call Daddy is not their bio dad and you no what the sweetest thing is every fathers day my partner gets a card which says to our one and only daddy enve if your not are real dad you our one an only daddy, One of my daughters knows who her father is and she has no wish to have contact wit him and shes six. She does however know if she wants in any shape or form to have contact with him or his family i would move heaven or hell to get in contact with them much to my desire where as my eldest daughter dosnt know who her father is an not once has she asked or shown any inkling that she would like to know. What she does know is that she has a mother and step father who love her and provide all the emotional support that she needs. i do relise she will eventually want to know and when that time comes i believe she is ready to confront the rejection she will enevitablly get. however whenthe hurt pass myself and her stepdad will support her through it and after it and thats all i can do untill then it is what it is. what i was first trying to say was how can any one judge someone else situation as they dont know the circumstances and where that person is emotionaly is all my intention was not to offend anyone and if i did im truly sorry and when i said dont judge someone i meant the mothers who have to make these decisions not the pr*^ks woh can walk away and that is in no way saying anything about the bio dad out there who actually do their jobs as fathers.

[deleted account]

Well if you would have read the other posts you'd know that I have not had 2 deal w/this and that I can understand any woman whose child is product of rape to confront that however they choose... If you've got 10 yrs that your ex has still not wanted to have anything 2 do w/your child, which i find remarkable BTW, i can understand your reluctance to bring it up. In my exp w/friends/fam & such that bio-dad walks back in or like Kati & others have stated, they find out inadvertently and the proverbial shit hits the fan... so I don't understand how women think it is in the best interest of the child to keep this information from them because in many cases Mom becomes the target of that child's anger?

Serina - posted on 01/13/2010

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How dare you judge a woman on what she feels is best for her child have you ever been in an simular situation ?? What if the bio dad has no intrest in the child an the mother has tried to get him involved what then ?? do you just hurt the child and say so an so is your bio dad but he dosnt want to no you ?? what if hes a drug dealer do you still think its wrong.... or a peadophile..... rapeist do they need to know ..

I was 16 when i had my first child and her bio dad dowsnt want to even acknowledge her exsistance and i hav not told her who he is as of yet as i feel she doesnt need to be hurt that way and no she hasnt even asked yet i just dont get how women can judge other women on this. I have spoke to phycholigist counsllers doctors all about this and all hav agreed i have done the right thing. Do you not think that the mother herself has went over ond over this in her head every day since the child was born cus i know i have. those without sin an all ................

Rosie - posted on 01/13/2010

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i completely agree there is absolutely no reason to not tell your child who their biological parents are. my husband founad out that his dad wasn't his bio dad by overhearing a conversation that his parents were having when he was 14. he was so hurt and astonished that the 2 people in his life that he thought he could trust the most had been lying to him for all of his life. it made him question who he was, who his parents were, and his conclusion was that his biodad was such a bad person then what the hell did they think of him?

i am adamantly against people who don't tell their children the truth about their biology-it really truly disgusts me. can anyone give me a good reason why they would actually do that to their kid?

Jaime - posted on 01/02/2010

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Quoting Jackie:

Thank you Erin for wording a little better that others can wrap their head around it without putting their own assumptions on it. I do appreciate it!

As for quoting me... don't quote out of context its pity and doesn't prove your point. I followed that up saying that every time you have sex you risk parenthood and should concider this. Yes people should take responsiblity for thier own actions before and after they do them. I had a child out of wedlock... I am not judging anyone for that. But if you read most of the topics on CoM that the OP was talking about they are majority single young mothers with dads who were losers before they got pregnant. I'm sorry I can't and don't have sympathy for people who make poor choices despite all the warning signs.

As for being helpful... do you know what section of CoM you are in? This isn't some kiss ass group... this is debating moms. You don't have to like what i say. You don't even have to read what I say. And you can debate a topic without personally actting someone. Well I can maybe you can't. Either way, thats my point of view on the topic, like it or lump it but don't get overly emotional about it... its only worth the virtual paper its written on!!


I'm not having a pissing contest with you about this...your comment was off topic to the original question and that's why I responded to it.  No one cares to hear a lecture...debate all you want, but that's not what you were doing.  This topic isn't about women that poorly choose their sexual partners.  I read Erin's latest post and I can agree with you that people need to be aware of who they have sex with, and the potential that even a casual encounter can result in pregnancy.  I don't expect you to have sympathy for a single mother with a loser baby-daddy--no one expects it...least of all me, and I'm one of those idiots that got herself knocked up by a loser who took off...I'm not sitting here feeling sorry for myself or fishing for pity--I promise!

Jackie - posted on 01/02/2010

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Thank you Erin for wording a little better that others can wrap their head around it without putting their own assumptions on it. I do appreciate it!



As for quoting me... don't quote out of context its pity and doesn't prove your point. I followed that up saying that every time you have sex you risk parenthood and should concider this. Yes people should take responsiblity for thier own actions before and after they do them. I had a child out of wedlock... I am not judging anyone for that. But if you read most of the topics on CoM that the OP was talking about they are majority single young mothers with dads who were losers before they got pregnant. I'm sorry I can't and don't have sympathy for people who make poor choices despite all the warning signs.



As for being helpful... do you know what section of CoM you are in? This isn't some kiss ass group... this is debating moms. You don't have to like what i say. You don't even have to read what I say. And you can debate a topic without personally actting someone. Well I can maybe you can't. Either way, thats my point of view on the topic, like it or lump it but don't get overly emotional about it... its only worth the virtual paper its written on!!

[deleted account]

Thank you Jaime for your insight! You have helped shed light on this for me and I appreciate your input and understanding!!! I think what Jakie was trying to say was that any person who has sex, period, should take into consideration the person they are sleeping with and ask themselves if they would want to be tied to them for the rest of their life, not necessarily do they want to marry them, but could they deal w/this person if their sexual encounter produces a child. Not saying nothing about nobody who has sex recreationally or nothing, but what people need to realize is that EVERY act of sex can produce a child and we should be a little more picky about who we sleep with because it is a very real possibility!

Jaime - posted on 01/01/2010

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Quoting Erin:

I feel like I'm flogging a dead horse here :( it's the women who tell their children nothing, lie, or pretend bio-dad doesn't exist and assume this is appropriate behavior because so far he has not walked back in...or if you took this action and he DID walk back in how that worked out for you would be helpful...

Amie I'm sorry for your situation :( I can understand why you would wish he didn't exist! Seems that those ones always like to poke their heads back in and stir the pot at their convenience. :( My friend's ex is like that! Piece of crap who didn't have anything to do w/the kid when she lived w/em, left him w/his parents on visits, and tried to take full custody? My MIL asked about her boys that were taken from her, and my BIL (13) had nightmares about this woman and started wetting the bed when he thought she was going to show up at his school (we did NOT and DO NOT bring her up to those kids!!!) I'm not sure where he got it from but I can understand how someone would wish the other parent would disappear! On many levels I hate my MIL for how she treated her kids!!! But this isn't exactly what I was referring to? Why people don't want them involved in their kids life isn't my query, I don't understand why people don't let them know of their existence? I don't understand this because when they DO come back in their life how do you deal w/that? Your daughter on some level knows that's her dad, and in all likelihood has explained it to your son w/out your knowledge.

I don't know, I'm just trying to understand this because it boggles me...I know that some guy is a piece of crap and you don't want them to know your kids and stuff, but in all likelihood he will at some point walk back in their life, and by law he probably has the right to do so and so w/that knowledge keeping him hidden confuses me! As Evelyn so eloquently put it It's none of my business and I appreciate those of you who have shared your stories with us...and for those of you I can understand your decisions...IDK I suppose I'm just gonna drop this as it is not answering my question, I probably didn't phrase it well enough :( Thank you!


Erin, I'm balls deep in this situation and I don't take offense to what you have said.  In fact, I don't think that the majority of the posters on this thread have taken offense.  I completely understand your question and your curiosity and I respect your opinion.  There are not really any circumstances where a mother needs to create a lie about a biological father, but simly to tell her child(ren) that there either is or is not...and if there is, then accordingly with each, individual family situation, she could then discuss certain details of his whereabouts, etc, etc.  That being said, no, it is not an easy situation to face, and every family has their own circumstance that led to the absense of a biological father...so the outcome/reaction will not be the same for all children.  It's not an ideal situation to find yourself in, and I don't really think that any woman who has had a meaningful or even a casual relationship with a man hopes that it will one day end badly and drag the lives of any existing children through the depths of hell and back.  I do think in some cases women feel so hurt and abandoned that the only way they can think to get back at the man that hurt them, is to deny his existence to his children...perhaps what some women don't realize is that it doesn't make one bit of difference to the man, as he's already walked away (even if he eventually comes back) and does not see the repercussions of his actions...instead, it is always the children that suffer...and more so from the mother's attempts to shield her children from her emotional state and what she thinks might eventually become the emotional state for her children.  I don't think that at the core, a mother (no matter what situation) wants to hurt her child or deny the existence of a biological father...I think that sometimes, the human condition and the "id" response gets the best of us and we do what we feel we need to do to survive...it doesn't make it right, but it's surely a more clear understanding of what could--and likely does, motivate a mother to lie to her child(ren) about such an integral piece of their physical identity.



Hope this sheds some light for you...

Jaime - posted on 01/01/2010

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Quoting Jackie:

Yes I have serious issues with this too. I just want to scream... GROW UP, TAKE RESPONIBLITY FOR YOUR OWN ACTIONS AND CHOICES AND BE A FRIGGIN PARENT ALREADY!!! The odds of getting pregnant without birth control is 1 in 100... so that being said... its safe to assume it wasn't a one night stand! You made the choice to repeatly have sex with this person. They were good enough to screw; and that clearly shows you through they were good enough to procreate with!!! What is wrong with this world that people don't realize that having sex can and does result in parenthood and you should NOT have sex with anyone that you don't want to be connected to for the rest of your life. I feel for the children growing up in a Jerry Springer Reality. And I feel for all those people out there that would make great parents and can't have children who have to watch this bull go on!


"you should NOT have sex with anyone that you don't want to be connected to for the rest of your life."....hmm, there's a lot wrong with this statement.  It's not up to you to decide that people should only be having sex with people that they want to be connected to for life...wtf?  Ideally I'm sure that it makes much more sense to pick a sexual partner that one might see themself settling with at a later date, but it's certainly not a moral crime if they choose to merely have a one-night-stand or a few casual encounters before parting ways...safe sex or not, I don't believe that every person having a casual, sexual affair will do so unprotected...and if it happens, then there are consequences to be dealt with which will not ALWAYS result in the now-stereotypical plight of an "oops" baby.  And for that matter, oops babies are not the only babies that can suffer the emotional backlash of an absent bio-dad--even the most well-seeming, happily-married couple can result in an ill-fated relationship, resulting in separation/divorce and sometimes a distancing of a biological parent (still typically the father, but not in all cases).  Your comment is not even close to being helpful to this discussion...no one wants to hear your lecture or your assumptions.  "They were good enough to screw; and that clearly shows you [thought] they were good enough to procreate with!!!"...???  Now, I am fairly certain (although I won't outright assume) that many people throughout the world have had a casual, sexual encounter a time or two, that simply involved physical lust, mental attraction and intercourse not directly related to a possible (personal, individual) desire to have children in their future.  And, not all children born outside of the 'nuclear family' ideal are being raised in a "Jerry Springer Reality"---I promise!

[deleted account]

I feel like I'm flogging a dead horse here :( it's the women who tell their children nothing, lie, or pretend bio-dad doesn't exist and assume this is appropriate behavior because so far he has not walked back in...or if you took this action and he DID walk back in how that worked out for you would be helpful...

Amie I'm sorry for your situation :( I can understand why you would wish he didn't exist! Seems that those ones always like to poke their heads back in and stir the pot at their convenience. :( My friend's ex is like that! Piece of crap who didn't have anything to do w/the kid when she lived w/em, left him w/his parents on visits, and tried to take full custody? My MIL asked about her boys that were taken from her, and my BIL (13) had nightmares about this woman and started wetting the bed when he thought she was going to show up at his school (we did NOT and DO NOT bring her up to those kids!!!) I'm not sure where he got it from but I can understand how someone would wish the other parent would disappear! On many levels I hate my MIL for how she treated her kids!!! But this isn't exactly what I was referring to? Why people don't want them involved in their kids life isn't my query, I don't understand why people don't let them know of their existence? I don't understand this because when they DO come back in their life how do you deal w/that? Your daughter on some level knows that's her dad, and in all likelihood has explained it to your son w/out your knowledge.

I don't know, I'm just trying to understand this because it boggles me...I know that some guy is a piece of crap and you don't want them to know your kids and stuff, but in all likelihood he will at some point walk back in their life, and by law he probably has the right to do so and so w/that knowledge keeping him hidden confuses me! As Evelyn so eloquently put it It's none of my business and I appreciate those of you who have shared your stories with us...and for those of you I can understand your decisions...IDK I suppose I'm just gonna drop this as it is not answering my question, I probably didn't phrase it well enough :( Thank you!

Jackie - posted on 01/01/2010

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Yes I have serious issues with this too. I just want to scream... GROW UP, TAKE RESPONIBLITY FOR YOUR OWN ACTIONS AND CHOICES AND BE A FRIGGIN PARENT ALREADY!!! The odds of getting pregnant without birth control is 1 in 100... so that being said... its safe to assume it wasn't a one night stand! You made the choice to repeatly have sex with this person. They were good enough to screw; and that clearly shows you through they were good enough to procreate with!!! What is wrong with this world that people don't realize that having sex can and does result in parenthood and you should NOT have sex with anyone that you don't want to be connected to for the rest of your life. I feel for the children growing up in a Jerry Springer Reality. And I feel for all those people out there that would make great parents and can't have children who have to watch this bull go on!

[deleted account]

Ok, so I finally came up with a circumstance where I can understand why someone would find it necessary to lie about their child's biological father...if the child was the product of a rape I can understand why you would find it necessary to lie! I don't know if I could live w/myself if I made up stories about that child's father, but if you were strong enough to carry that baby and love that baby every day then I don't blame you for that decision!

I was thinking about how Evelyn said she couldn't understand why someone would get an abortion, but doesn't judge those that do...and it came to me. Because if I had this happen I couldn't possibly carry that child and would opt for Plan B, but I know that rape affects women badly and not all women go in soon enough to get Plan B... blah blah blah, I ramble...so far that is the only situation where I could deem it conceivably necessary.

[deleted account]

I compared it to murder because I'm sure that's something everyone can agree is wrong? I think in certain circumstances it is the right thing to do, I can understand how someone would go there...I get that. I can even understand the appeal to lie to your kid about their bio-dad, but I don't get where you would go there. I posted this on a DEBATING MOMS site because I DONT UNDERSTAND! I WANT that level of understanding and was simply asking people who have insight here to let me in...is it my business to know, probably not, but I wasn't telling you Evelyn to let me know? If you don't want to fill me in that's great...but I won't be persuaded by being told to mind my own business...I wasn't looking for a bunch of women to agree with me, I was frankly hoping for people to not! Because I am not going to come to a level of understanding with a bunch of ppl echoing my thoughts (although I'm thankful for knowing I'm not the only one). I have backhandedly asked you because you blatantly negate my inquisition. I asked if it was about hurt feelings and spite because of the women I know who have done this that was what it was about...? So if the other 99% of people who do this of necessity WHAT IS THE NECESSITY??? That is EXACTLY what I don't get? If I have came across as judging then it is because of THOSE women who I know who did it to protect themselves first and didn't take the time to care about how it would affect their kids later. Thank you for your input...Happy New Year

Evelyn - posted on 12/31/2009

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Now I'm going to go enjoy my New Year's Eve and I hope you all do the same!

Evelyn - posted on 12/31/2009

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No..sorry Jodi but she is being critical because she is being judgemental. That is glaringly obvious. I have offered her some insight, you may not agree with it, but that does not mean I didn't offer it. I told her to mind her business. I'm dealing with this issue...not to the extent that Erin is so incensed about...but in a way I can relate...so I'm speaking w/some knowledge of the subject. Women in this situation make these choices because of necessity 99% of the time...not out of selfishness...no one WANTS their child to be fatherless. I will repeat what I said before...it is not for her to understand...when the women in these situations can sometimes barely understand things themselves. It's sort of like me trying to wrap my head around why on earth anyone would want to have an abortion...I could never do it and I can't understand it...but until I'm in their shoes I will NEVER understand and I'm intelligent enough to realize that. (I'm pro-choice by the way...but I could NEVER do it..and I think it should only be an option under certain circumstances...but that's' a whole diff discussion). So there ya go...some more insight.

Jodi - posted on 12/31/2009

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Quoting Evelyn:

Criticizing her? Do you see what she is doing to the mother's that make this difficult choice? Why can she criticize but cannot be criticized?



Sorry Evelyn, but she is only being critical because she lacks understanding, but has openly admitted that she doesn't understand and would like to.  You are being critical, but not actually offering her anything to help her understanding but telling her it is none of her business.  Perhaps if you could provide some insight to help her understand, then your contribution to the topic would be more helpful. 

Evelyn - posted on 12/31/2009

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Sorry Jodi but I disagree, she just compared mother's who withhold the bio dad's info to murderer's....and the way she is asking is quite harsh...so no..I don't buy that. There's an honest yearning to learn something..then there's a backhanded way of asking that's also insulting. The method she's using is pretty obvious.

Criticizing her? Do you see what she is doing to the mother's that make this difficult choice? Why can she criticize but cannot be criticized?

Evelyn - posted on 12/31/2009

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Maybe you don't NEED to get it because frankly if it's not your situation it's really none of your business.

[deleted account]

Evelyn,
I'm not judging ONE person that does this...you could be an awesome person and mother and lie to your kid about their daddy? IDK? I'm positive there are situations where someone may feel that the lie is the best thing in THEIR situation and in THEIR particular case...I'm also pretty sure murderers feel this way, but HEY I'm NOT judging them either :) All I'm saying is I DON'T GET IT??? I don't get why these women feel they are particularly special that this lie won't have negative reprucussions later in life and that those, possible as they may be, consequences wouldn't make you think about how to proceed here? I don't get it??? I don't know how many times I can ask to understand this without you telling me I'm judging people... :( If you want to lie to your kid and tell them WHATEVER about their daddy, GREAT! I just want to know WHAT makes you come to that conclusion??? WHY would you feel lying is better then the truth? That's all I want to know! I'm not here to say HOW DARE YOU. No I don't think it is right, but I'm not YOU or that lady or some other person who decided this, I just want to know why? What do you think you benefit by that decision? I just want a little understanding and since I'm not in this boat I DON'T GET IT??? That's all, but thanks

Evelyn - posted on 12/31/2009

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Wow Erin, you are really being judgemental. You don't know WHY mothers make the decisions they do, while it may not be something you agree with...it is necessary sometimes. Are there women who do this for selfish reasons? Sure, but I can guarantee you most do not. Why don't you let the mom's in these difficult situations figure out what is best for them and their child and you do the same in your family. I'm sure I wouldn't agree with all of your choices as a mom...and vice versa definitely...but this particular issue is very very sticky and I think should be left to the discretion of the parties involved.

[deleted account]

U know, I can also understand the temptation...I just think its like many things that are tempting, sure I'd love to blow my check and get all sorts of wonderful things on my payday, but then life hits! What good would it be to spend my check when I get kicked out of my house for not paying rent? I just don't understand what makes women forget to look past the trees to see the forest in this situation?

Esther - posted on 12/31/2009

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Quoting Joy "the historian":

IMO it only makes a screwed up situation even worse.I CAN understand wanting to save your child from that pain and you yourself wanting to believe in a better story about the ass that left but that only blows the trust between you and your child and it only sets up major issues if you do move on with another better loving caring man.



I agree. I just understand the temptation.

JL - posted on 12/31/2009

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My biggest issue with lying and placing someone who is undeserving into a level of hero status is what does that do for you and your child if ...A) the father does decided years later to be apart of the kids life...or B) you meet a wonderful man who wants to be the father to your child that his never was....do you continue the lie with the new man in your life...does your child not realize what a great man the new man is because he is constantly comparing him to the illusional heroic dad that you have constructed for him...will the new man constantly feel like he is trying to live up to the lie of a man that is in your childs eyes.



IMO it only makes a screwed up situation even worse.I CAN understand wanting to save your child from that pain and you yourself wanting to believe in a better story about the ass that left but that only blows the trust between you and your child and it only sets up major issues if you do move on with another better loving caring man.

?? - posted on 12/30/2009

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When I found out I was pregnant, I told the dad right away that he was either 100% in or 100% out - there was no in the middle and if he was 100% in he only got 1 chance. I told him that I wouldn't hold it against him, I told him I would have absolutely no grudges against him for it, I just told him it was in or out. If he was in, (which he is) he would be held at the same standard of any parent, he doesn't get to fuck off when he wants too and come back whenever and if he fucks off... peace out jerkass, don't come back. I told him that if he was out I would tell our child that his father wasn't ready to be a daddy and didn't want to put him [the baby] in the position to be let down or hurt over and over, instead he loved him enough to leave and let mommy love him even more. Obviously when the kiddo was old enough to understand. Luckily enough, daddy wanted to be in our sons life and is an awesome dad. We all have our ups and downs but I know he will always be there.



I think people who make shit up about their children's fathers are reaching for something. Whether it's so that their child doesn't feel the humiliation of being unwanted, or rejected, or if it's for their own humiliation of being rejected, unwanted, and having made a decision that put the 1 little person in their life that they will love unconditionally forever in the position to feel rejected and unwanted.... even though they know that's not the case, that the dude is just a prick but that's how the baby will feel...



their confidence is already bruised... their egos are already shot... their insecurity leaves them in the position to polish a turd and no matter how much you polish a turd it will always be a turd.......... the best thing any mom can do is be honest with their children when they can understand... it will leave your relationship with your child open, honest, trusting and give them the stability and strength that they obviously lose with their dad being a jerkface loser and fucking off. If a mom lies to their child, when that child finds out, all it does is completely fuck up ANY trust that child can have in that 1 parent they THOUGHT was there for them no matter what.

Jodi - posted on 12/30/2009

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Nah, don't feel too bad about it :)

My son knows who his dad is, even knows how unreliable he is.....sad, but the truth. Kids figure these things out for themselves eventually. If you lie about it, they figure that out too.

September - posted on 12/30/2009

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No problem guys :) I felt like an idiot! I feel much better now :) LOL

September - posted on 12/30/2009

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Man I did a horrible job of getting my point across and I apologize if I’ve offended anyone while doing so. I guess what I was trying to say is that I am thankful that I'm not currently in the position to have to explain to my child who his biological father is being that I’m married to him now and hope to be forever. Even if for some reason things don’t work out in the long run our son will always know who his father is.



However I do feel for those families that are put in those situations. In regards to not telling a child about his bio dad/mom I do feel that every situation is different and it’s up to the parent to make the best decisions for their families.



I would also like to address a couple of things that were said to me. I have nothing against families that have children outside of wedlock. I have people in my own family that I love very much that have children out of wedlock. I’m also aware that just because I’m married does not mean that I’m immune to nonsense. I’ve been with my husband for 14 years starting at the age of 16, so believe me I had my fair share of nonsense and my life has not been perfect by any means, and yes shit does happen!



Again I would like to apologize if I came across judgmental or superior; it was not my intent what’s so ever. :)

Esther - posted on 12/30/2009

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Quoting Joy "the historian":

I do dislike and find it completely disrespectful when women make up eleborate stories like saying daddy died in the war he was a hero...as a military wife whose husband is in the Army and has been deployed at war four times I find it disgusting and it pisses me off that someone would attach hero status to a piece of crap who chose to walk away from his kids while the real heros out there are ALL THE MEN who want to be with their kids and choose to do what is best for them.





I understand what you're saying Joy but I think if women make up a story like that, it is precisely BECAUSE the men who walked out on them are a piece of crap and they so badly wish for their kids that their fathers were the polar opposite of that piece of crap, i.e. a hero of a man who loved them and wanted to take care of them. It's not right. It's not wise. It shouldn't be done and the lie will probably come back to bite them in the ass. But I understand the temptation of making up the story.

Heather - posted on 12/29/2009

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I was not saying I think its ok to make up a lie to tell your child , however, some moms have done that, and who am I to judge what they tell their child, I try to put myself in others shoes, and I think that if the father of my son was, lets say, in prison for selling drugs...I could totally see how hard it would be to explain that to, lets say...a 3 or 4 year old. I honestly dont know what I would tell him, I'm not saying to lie to kids, I'm just saying that depending on the childs age and maturity, you may not be able to tell the whole truth.

Jamie, I know what empathy is, and I would love for more people to have it, but some women make judgmental, and hurtful statements, when there are women on COM who are going through this very situation, its not productive. I am not in a situation where I have to explain to my child who/where his bio dad is...but I still have empathy towards a woman who unfortunatly has to do this, and I, for one, will not judge anyone for the decision they make, right or wrong. I am glad you were not offended by any of it, and i appreciate you being able to share your story and help other women. :)

Jodi - posted on 12/29/2009

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Quoting September:

One of the many reasons I waited until I was married to the man of my dreams to bring children into the world! No non-sense to deal with!



That's all well and good.  I hope the man of your dreams always remains exactly that.  I waited until I had been married to the "man of my dreams" for 5 years before having my son, and guess what?  He turned into an absolute shit who didn't really give a rat's arse about anyone but himself....and yes, personal circumstances saw him turn into this creature overnight.  I am not going to go into details, but dreams don't always end happily, and it is not always a choice.



With regard to the question, I don't believe in lying about the biological father, because there is always a possibility that the truth will come out. 



My sister-in-law never told her son the absolute truth about his father.  She left an extremely abusive marriage and only realised she was pregnant AFTER she left.  She met someone else very early in the piece, and they raised my nephew together as the new partner's child for several years.  THEN, her new partner left her for someone else and rejected her son totally because he didn't want him in his life anymore.  This was absolutely devastating for my nephew.  He is now 19 and has really been emotionally affected by this situation.  Had he known about his real father, it may have been easier for him to understand, but instead, he found out the hard way and it has permanently scarred him. 



 

JL - posted on 12/29/2009

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I think it is up to the person in that situation to decide when it is best to discuss who the father is and explain the situation in the way that they think is best for their child, but I do not think lying is best..maybe leaving certain aspects out that are hurtful, but not straight up lying because eventually they will find out the truth and all lying will do is add unneeded hurt, confusion, and further disappointment.



I do dislike and find it completely disrespectful when women make up eleborate stories like saying daddy died in the war he was a hero...as a military wife whose husband is in the Army and has been deployed at war four times I find it disgusting and it pisses me off that someone would attach hero status to a piece of crap who chose to walk away from his kids while the real heros out there are ALL THE MEN who want to be with their kids and choose to do what is best for them.







As far as waiting to get married to have children.I have a freind who waited to get married to have kids. Five years into the marriage which seemed perfect they decided to start trying. Nine years and 2 kids later he left her for a younger co-worker he was having an affair with and now he has little to do with their kids. Sometimes the best intentions and "well" laid plans don't always work out the way you thought they would.

September - posted on 12/29/2009

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Quoting Krista:



Quoting September:

One of the many reasons I waited until I was married to the man of my dreams to bring children into the world! No non-sense to deal with!





Even that is no guarantee, sadly. Sometimes men leave when they find out their wife is pregnant, even if things seemed to be perfectly fine before. 





That would be a sad situation.

Krista - posted on 12/29/2009

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Quoting September:

One of the many reasons I waited until I was married to the man of my dreams to bring children into the world! No non-sense to deal with!


Even that is no guarantee, sadly. Sometimes men leave when they find out their wife is pregnant, even if things seemed to be perfectly fine before. 

September - posted on 12/29/2009

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One of the many reasons I waited until I was married to the man of my dreams to bring children into the world! No non-sense to deal with!

Dana - posted on 12/27/2009

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I think you can wait to tell your child why their dad isn't around. A young child doesn't need to know that he's a dead beat that doesn't give a crap but to lie is NEVER good. How many times do we beat around the bush about other stuff to children without the out and out truth anyhow. Once they're old enough to fully understand then I think it's best to tell them the whole bit of business.

Esther - posted on 12/27/2009

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Thank god I have never been in that situation. I don't think that making up stories about a biological father/mother is the wise or right thing to do. That being said though, on a purely human level, I can completely understand how hard it must be to have to look your say 3-year-old in the eye and tell them that their father/mother isn't interested in having a relationship with them. It would absolutely devastate me. So I can understand the temptation of telling them that their father was a hero who was killed in the line of duty or something along those lines. I don't think I would, but I can understand why someone would do that.

Jaime - posted on 12/27/2009

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Thanks Erin, I did have a great holiday...My life is what I make it and all I can do is forage ahead and look forward to each day as it comes. No matter what, my son is loved and that is what matters.

[deleted account]

My brother flaked on my nephew for a few months that he didn't call or keep in touch (bro lives in WA nephew OK) after 3 mos of my SIL (4 lack of better term) telling my nephew that Daddy must be busy? My nephew told her that when he calls he is too busy to talk to him, that was almost a year ago :( It saddens me that my brother flaked and I understand my SIL's reasons for not forcing a relationship when my nephew said no due to my brother's inconsistencies...I harbor NO ill feelings towards SIL for this! I still talk to her and my nephew. My parents were given that option as well, she just asked that we not bring up my brother in conversation, which I don't see an issue with because I call to talk to my nephew about HIM not my brother! My mom however couldn't handle it and words were said between the two women :( So Debbie I can kinda see where you are coming from, but it confuses me a little too...I mean, I don't feel like I am degrading my brother just because I maintain a relationship with his son when he can't? I feel bad that he can't, but he flaked and now he has to wait until my nephew wants to be a part of his life (he just turned 8). But then again, my nephew doesn't ask about my brother so there is nothing I am forced to explain or not...although I think I would defer questions to his mother... My husband's mom lost her 3 other kids to their father (my husband's step-dad who we still talk to) They wouldn't come visit us for the longest time because they were afraid their mom would be here or that we would try to sneak her over so she could see the boys...I would never do this or allow that! That is sneaky and underhanded...I only want to keep a relationship w/my family members I don't want to be the wedge to keep people from each other! She has to follow the court orders to see those boys, I will not, nor will I allow my husband, to be a part of this! We WILL NOT be there for supervised visits or nothing! She'd asked him to be the medium or whatever and he said NO! We want to be able to see the boys w/out having to worry about step-dad thinking we are trying to let mom see the boys!!!



Jaime I'm sorry your family hasn't gotten through those hurdles yet, but I am glad that you are proactive in making sure your son has as much people that care & love him around as possible!!! Hope you had a great holiday in spite of it all!

Debbie - posted on 12/27/2009

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What annoy's me is a mother lying to her kid/s period! Whether the dad is in their life or wants to be or isnt! I understand sometimes it is kinder than the truth and as a mother we all want to protect our kids but when they lie to suit themselves, or make themselves out to look good or do it simply out of revenge, thats what annoys me.

Jaime-leigh, I am a grandmother of a few kids that their father/mother doesnt see. As a grandparent I love them very much. It is hard however to call them and talk to them and have to try and explain why "Daddy" or "mummy" doesnt want to see them. It is hard to tell them the truth without feeling like you are degrading your child. I talk to them as much as possible and I am always on my kids back to talk to their kids and DO the right thing. One of my granddaughters doesnt want to come visit us b/c she is too scared to see her Dad. Anyway my point being, maybe they feel it hard to keep in contact (no excuse) but it isnt easy! Good for you to write to her and let her know that she is welcome. That would make a difference in my situation.

Jaime - posted on 12/27/2009

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Erin, I'm glad to hear that it was a happy ending for your husband despite his mother's efforts to keep him from his father. I am now in contact with my paternal family. I speak to my paternal aunt often and we email back and forth. I haven't spoken to my biological father for 7 years, as I was a very naive, angry teenager (18) when I met him for the first time and I didn't really know how to make sense of the situation. I don't speak to my mother as it stands right now either, which has made this holiday a rather difficult one. I'm fortunate to have my step-father and his wife in my life as well as my siblings and friends that have become my family over the span of 15 years. It's not easy sometimes, knowing that I missed out on being a part of the lives of people that wanted to know me, and I never got to meet my paternal grandmother but I hear and read stories about her from family members which helps me to understand who she was. And now that I have a son, I want him to know as much family as he can...including his own! In my case, I have tried and I have fought hard to make it possible for Gray to be a part of his father's life despite any hurt or anger that I feel toward Chris. To this day I continue to leave the lines of communication open for him to come back and be a part of his son's life...but so far nothing. It was Chris' decision to walk away...he was not forced or pushed away. Chris knows how to contact me and he knows where I live...I have given him no reason to think that I would ever keep Gray from him or his family, so this remains HIS choice to stay away and I have accepted it, as there is nothing more I can do to change it. If Chris comes back in a year or ten years, then I will go from there. I will always be honest with Gray about his dad and let him know that he is free to contact him when he is old enough to understand the consequences of what might happen.

[deleted account]

Cathy: I can completely understand why you choose to not discuss it with your child! I applaud you for at least letting your son know that your b/f is not his dad!



Jaime-Leigh: Thank you for your understanding and backing me up! I apologize if my post seems judgmental...I just seriously don't get it and was trying to come from this with some understanding of the situation. Thankfully I have not had to live through this situation and the women I know in this boat have all been very open with their children about their bio-dad.



What I don't get is how do you figure the bio-dad WONT want to be a part of their child's life when he/she is older??? Not that I condone their behavior, but it doesn't surprise me when a guy walks out on someone after having a child. And later, when they become older or surrounded with kids (their's or others) they feel pulled to the child that they abandoned. So to those of you whose child is still quite young and their daddy hasn't been part of their life I think it is easy to stay in your little box that allows you to think you will be immune from them knocking on your door, but I just don't think so! I think that chances are, if your ex's heart is beating then there will be a time when they come searching for that relationship w/their child and I just think that when women keep this from their child for SOOO long that it will backfire when their child is older, like that poor 15 year old Sharon mentioned, or Jaime-Leigh :( I've seen the results of those situations and my heart breaks for the absent dad and the kid... My husband's bio-dad stepped out on his mom (who was a little crazy!!! 17 & pregnant, hormones, and all the like!) and my husband knew who his dad was, but his mom wouldn't allow a relationship between them because of her own hurt :( He found letters & cards from his Dad and step-mom and A LOT of ill feelings occurred between him & his mom because of this. She would take bio-dad to court to increase child support and what not, but wouldn't allow them to see each other :( WHen he was 16 he stole his mom's car and we drove to meet his dad, step-mom & sister. They welcomed us w/open arms, answered questions he had, and have been in our lives since. I know this is not the case w/lots of ppl. I just know the hurt in my husband because of this, the lost relationship w/his REAL father, the distance between them when we see each other is sad :( Doug wasn't a bad guy... they were both young and his mom is seriously a fruitcake! I'd walk out on her too!!! I feel bad for mom too, could you imagine that the hurt you are supposedly saving your child from can turn around and ruin YOUR relationship with your child? That's awful! You were trying to protect them and then YOU turn out to be the bad guy! Why would you want that? I just don't think we should assume 'that won't happen to me' I think you should assume that it will, and hey it might! And think about the big picture: if it does how do you want it to work out? Do you want to be the bad guy who kept your kid from something? or do you want to be their to support your child when this could inevitably backfire for them? We were lucky w/my husband and I know not everyone is that lucky, but as a pissed off teenager you don't really think about that part! You think that you COULD have had a great wonderful relationship whether it was possible or not, and sadly for mom, because you never allowed it you will never know!

[deleted account]

I know!!! It really buggs me too! I think that mothers in those situations need to be a little more sensitive to their children's needs instead of their own selfish feelings. I think all children have the right to know the truth about BOTH their parents - no matter what the situation is.



Our oldest daughter is always asking why her bio mom never calls (she gets visitation with her bo mom for 2 weeks every 3 months and her bio mom never calls between these visits). Instead of lying about it and making something up, I just tell her "I don't know, that's something you'll have to ask her." That way, I am not lying, but I am also not putting words or thoughts into anyone else.



I think a simple "Your biological father is not with us anymore, but we're happy with just us!" is a great answer. Kids don't always need the long complex answers we as adults seem to always want to give. There is no need to go into major detail unless the child asks, and at a younger age they most likely will not ask for all those details. I just think every child has a right to know the truth about their parents, and a parent should never make up stories or let their children beleive lies about the other parent - this will always backfire eventually and lead to a whole lot of hurt feelings.

[deleted account]

I agree that is some situations, you have to look at the best interest of the child. Sadly, my best friend made a life-altering poor decision when she was 20 years old and drunk as a skunk. She became impregnated by her younger brother's best friend who was 17-a minor. This was kept a secret for 15 years, and her daughter grew up with the simple knowledge of "I don't know who my real dad is." Well, when the daughter was 3, my friend took the wrong guy to court for a paternity test, and then she knew by default her the real bio dad was. This past summer was explosive when the truth came out as a normal acting out 15 year old kid when all she wanted to know was "Who is my real dad?" Truly, all hell broke loose and nothing positive was achieved other than the knowledge that "Mom screwed uncle's best friend when HE was still in high school and drunk." So by keeping her secret, she was trying to protect her daughter, plus the bio dad. I wish she handled the situation differently, but it is what it is.

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