Not telling the father?

[deleted account] ( 13 moms have responded )

So, this isn't prompted by a news article, but rather a book that I recently read. I love Nora Roberts and I was rereading her "In the Garden" series and something has been bugging me about it. In the book, there is a young woman (she's 22 I think) who is 6 months pregnant and leaves her whole life behind to make a fresh start (the main character is a distant relation to her). When asked about the father of her baby, she says he doesn't even know she's pregnant. Apparently, the two had a fling and he had gone back to college (in a different town) when she found out she was pregnant. When she went to the college campus to tell him she was pregnant, she found him and he was really happy because he was in love with a girl he had met and she (the pregnant character) felt that his new love didn't need to be tainted by an illegitimate child, so she never told him.

What do you guys think if this situation? I know it's in a fiction book, but I'm sure similar situations come up all the time.

Personally, this really bugs the crap out of me. I think the guy still deserves to know he ha a child on the way and how the heck can he protect the child if he finds out later in life that he has a genetic disorder if he oesn't even know about the child? It's been bugging me for a while now and I thought I'd come on here and see what you all think...


Sharon - posted on 09/29/2010




Um no. he doesn't need to know.

There are plenty of children in this world who don't know who there biological parents are. He was a guy going around getting laid, at that point in his life, he didn't care. The woman should keep tabs on him for future reference.

But if I weren't in love with the guy, he were in college without a job, etc, I'd move on with my life and I wouldn't want to be constrained by visitation decrees and shared custody bullshit.

Ez - posted on 09/30/2010




A man should be told if he is to become a father. What they do with that information is up to them.

My daughter's dad is completely absent from her life, but it is his choice, not mine. I can't imagine having to look her in the eye at some point and tell her the reason she hasn't had a relationship with her father is because I didn't tell him.

Jodi - posted on 09/29/2010




I believe every father deserves to know they have a child, and every child deserves to know who their biological father is. Even if I adopted a child, I would have been open about that (even if I didn't know who their father actually was, I wouldn't lie about their "dad" being their biological father).

On the same hand, I also believe that every child deserves to have a relationship with their father if possible (obviously there are exceptions) and that if a child is in the custody of their mother, she should encourage that relationship, regardless of her feelings about that person.

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Riana - posted on 09/30/2010




Great post Hooley, I know of many similar situations, real life and fictional. And it really really bugs me too, some people (moms and dads) willingly give up their rights as parents and thats fine, but every person deserves that choice. I don't know what it is that makes woman think they have the right to deny the dads in such a way.

In most cases the dads end up being great dads! A friend of mine only found out he had a child when the child was 3 years old, but since that day he has been one of the most amazing dads I know and has been 100% commited to the child! He never married the mom or anything, I'm not sure he will ever forgive her - I know i wouldn't!

Becky - posted on 09/29/2010




I think the father has the right to know. The only situation in which I think she'd be justified in not telling the father is if it was a dangerous or very negative situation - an abusive relationship or date rape, something like that.

Petra - posted on 09/29/2010




Definitely give him a chance to decide - don't deprive your child of the potential to have a father because you don't want to impose on his current happiness, and don't deprive the father of the chance to be a father, either. I think that it should not be just the mother's choice to make - its very similar to lying by omission.

Rebecca - posted on 09/29/2010




Well, at the time, wasn't she doing the same thing? Being promiscuous and looking for a good time? Why should she be the one stuck solely with the responsibility?

Rebecca - posted on 09/29/2010




He should know if he has a kid on the way or not. Even if they seem to be in love with someone else, or whatever, what if he'd rather help raise his kid?

Stifler's - posted on 09/29/2010




He definitely deserves to know and deserves a chance to know his child and the opportunity to support them! Even if he doesn't want to know the child, I'd still want child support! He can still be happy with someone else, if she's a decent person she'd understand that all this was before they were together etc. and it's his duty to look after his children.

[deleted account]

If they didn't have a bad relationship to begin with then I don't see the harm in telling him about the child. I understand it could "taint" his current relationship as she didn't know he was a father when they got together, but considering neither did he...? I think that if the new relationship was strong enough and the past fling was nothing but a fling then they should all be able to get through it for the better...I would NEVER NOT tell a person they were a parent! The thought seems ludicrous!

JuLeah - posted on 09/29/2010




I think, unless there are issues of safety, he ought to be told. I know women who are safer without the guy in theri life, but that doesn't sound like the case here.

[deleted account]

Every child deserves to know who his/her father is and every father deserves to know he has a child. Now WHAT exactly that relationship is or becomes is open to a wide variety of factors, but simply knowing each other exist.... complete no-brainer to me.

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