Number of children to have

Bonnie - posted on 10/13/2010 ( 53 moms have responded )

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What are deciding factors when it comes to having children? How do you decide how many children to have?...Is it truly based on instinct (you just know)? Patience? Space? Time? Money? Your partners final decision?

For those ladies who are done having their children, if you don't mind sharing, what were your final thoughts, what made you decide to stop? How did you know it was the right decision?

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[deleted account]

Bonnie, to answer your question, if our finances continue on the way they are now we'll be able to afford adoption. Maybe in the next 10-15 years. It is pricey and it will take sacrifice. I'd love to have a bunch of kids, but I just don't want to be pregnant again, EVER. So two is it, biologically. I think if adoption is something you can handle financially, mentally, emotionally, etc. you should at least seriously consider it. There are too many kids out there in need of a good home to not consider it.

Jodi - posted on 10/17/2010

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Adoption can be pricey, but fostering is free...the government usually pays you to take in foster children. And, to adopt a foster child is nothing near the price you pay when going through the "normal" adoption process, it's something my husband and I are keeping in mind for the future as he's getting a vasectomy in a few months time and I'll be getting my tubes tied shortly thereafter.

Jodi - posted on 10/13/2010

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Our biggest reasons were our age and the complications of the belended family we already had. I was almost 36 and my hubby almost 40 when I had our youngest. We DID give some serious thought to having one more, but blended families are very complex, and we decided that we had enough on our plates with my son (and his visitations with his dad), and co-ordinating visits with my husband's two children.

We also found that as the kids got older, life became even more complicated. With weekend sports, homework, and other extra curricular activities, we just decided enough was enough. We wanted to have time with the children we had rather than trying to juggle another one.

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Nikkole - posted on 11/08/2010

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my Husband mom has 8brothers and sister and my husband has 5 brothers and sisters he always said he wanted like 4 and now that we have two he says were done lol which i agree i had to have 2 c sections and i dont want to go through with that again so he is going to get a vesectomy the day before thanksgiving lol which is good ive gone through enough pain and my aunt had her tubes tied and she got pregnant twice after that

Jenn - posted on 11/07/2010

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I have 3 plus a step-daughter. That's enough for us! Factors include: stress levels, finances, and space.

Bonnie - posted on 11/07/2010

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Emma, i'm sure you will be fine. Sometimes it takes a little bit to build a routine with two small kids and then you laugh at the fact you were scared or nervous in the first place. I think some people just know before they even have kids that no matter what happens they want this many kids. Some just need to take it one child at a time.

Stifler's - posted on 11/07/2010

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I have one kid and another on the way and I don't know how people with heaps of kids manage. My parents had 4 and the house was so crowded and we had to share everything it was lame. People keep saying I'll want more than 2 but I don't think I ever will, I'm nervous about having just 2!!

[deleted account]

I'd like to have just one child to add to the two my fiancé already has. I like the idea of having three kids; I think it's the perfect number. There's just enough space in the car without having to buy a mini-van and I can already handle two, so one more won't make a big difference. Plus, we can afford at least one more. A lot of friends and relatives are preggers right now so I'm pressuring him a bit (ha!) but it seems I still have to hold out (I have no job yet).

[deleted account]

I had always imagined 5. Met my hubby and he onle wanted 3 so we compromised on 4. After having our last child i just don't know if i want to go back for the 4th or not. I think we will but it's going t take a little bit longer because i did not enjoy my last pregnancy.
Money

Amanda - posted on 11/06/2010

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I have 4 children and am 24 years old. I had my 1st at 17, and I wouldn't call him planned by any means! But I don't think it is just a set thing or an instinct thing either. I think God has a plan for anyone and that plan is something we will find out one day! I didn't plan on having kids but who does at 17! And I sure didn't plan on having 3 more either! I know now that I don't want anymore children just for the simple fact that I want to be able to provide financially for the 4 I have and give them as much as possible and another child would put a damper on that considering how expensive things are getting now! I think everyone has children for one reason or another and I think you all make decisions on whether you are keeping an unplanned child or puttin them up for adoption, and you make the decision on when to have a child if you are financially or physically ready to do so! If I wouldn't of had my son at 17 I don't think I would of wanted to have kids until I had graduated from college and been a lot more well off than I was but like I said I sure wouldn't change anything now! :)

Lindsay - posted on 10/18/2010

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We have 2 and we are done. Before having kids, I wanted a big family with 4 or 5 kids. My pregnancies came early and unexpected so we decided to stop before we produced more than we could handle. There are short lived times now that I get a little bit of baby fever but usually about that time, someone starts to act up and I snap out of it! ;-P I have a girl and a boy so honestly, if I had 2 of one gender we would probably have tried again. As it is, we are happy with our little family and I'm glad my kids have each other. :)

Becky - posted on 10/18/2010

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I decided to stop because the 2 pregnancies that I had, the last one moreso, I was extremely ill and had to be hospitalized many times. It took alot out of me and took too long to fully recover from it all. I don't want to go back on what seemed like my death bed (Major Physical illness).

Children were spontenaous and just happened. I never did plan on having children but they make my world a whole lot better and give me a fullfilled feeling. They make my life complete.

Hannah - posted on 10/18/2010

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I have two kids, a boy 2 1/2 (Brody) and a girl (Emery) 15 months. We are done. I also have two stepsons who are 10 and 8 although we only have them every other weekend. I did have the option to get my tubes tied after my last and I said no. It felt too permanent even though I know I don't want more. So, I got an IUD. We have the space now but wouldnt if we had more and financially we are doing fine. We are comfortable and can afford small luxuries. If we added another, I am afraid we wouldnt be able to afford some of those things. I too hate pregnancy and would never in a million years want to go through that again.

Bonnie - posted on 10/17/2010

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I understand the fact that a few of you are thinking about fostering or adoption in the future, but the truth is, what if you can't afford to do it?

[deleted account]

Hmmm, way back when hubby & I were a dating couple in 1993, we talked about having 4 kids. OK, well we didn't get married until 1999, and then we starting trying to conceive a year later after we bought a huge house. 3+ years later with 3 miscarriages brought us both into a reality check. when I did get pregnant again, it was guarded. I had my son a month early, but I suffered post-partum depression for almost a year after. The depression seemed to literally melt away when hubby & I discussed stopping at one child. I am very happy & content wit hone child. I'll also repeat the comments Kelly stated above about raising one child is financially easier on us. Also, not to mention I only have to run around to 1 child's sporting events!

Krista - posted on 10/16/2010

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Oh, I didn't mean stuff like vacations or dinners out. I mean, we all sacrifice that at some point or another.

I just meant that there are SOME people (not you, but your comment reminded me of something I hear people say) who will blithely go ahead and have kids even though they have NO idea of how they're going to afford even the basic necessities, and then they say stuff like, "Oh well, God will provide" or "Oh well, we'll figure it out." And I just find that infuriating, because they are taking a huge risk with that child's well-being, not to mention their own.

Obviously, having a child always takes a bit of a leap of faith, because you don't know what the child's expenses will be. You could have a special needs child whose caretaking is much more expensive than anticipated. But as long as you have a general sense of "yes, we can afford another kid", then I don't have an issue with that.

Krista - posted on 10/16/2010

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The factors that go into it for me are instinct, money, and practicality. We've always gravitated towards having two kids, and our finances support that decision. Any more than that, and I'd be working solely to pay daycare, and would have to make some very difficult decisions.

Plus, I'm not a big fan of overpopulating.

And I'm way too cautious an individual to think, "Oh, we'd find a way to support them and we'd find space for them." Nuh-uh. This isn't an extra couch that you're buying, without quite knowing where you'll find the space for it and how you'll afford the payments. It's a human being, and if I'm going to bring another human being into this world, it will only be after assessing my situation and KNOWING (not just believing) that I can afford to care for and house this child.

[deleted account]

Two at the very most, a boy and a girl. My girl's on the way, and maybe hubby and I will try for a boy in a few years, but right now I think one will be enough. We barely have the money to support ourselves right now - though that will hopefully change before the baby gets here - so one is more than enough. Also, my hubby loves kids but I have had the misfortune of being harrassed by the two-legged monsters my entire life due to parents' lack of discipline, so I am a little wary of having more than one until I know I can handle my Julie when she gets here. I'm sure I can, but I'll wait until we get past the terrible twos before I okay a second one.

And hubby doesn't really have much of a say in this, though he agrees with me for the most part (we've never wanted more than two). It's my body and though this pregnancy is going great, no one can say the next will go just as smoothly. So I get to make the ultimate decision.

[deleted account]

We have one boy and we are done! He is perfect in every way and our little family is perfect and complete. We originally thought we would want more, just not sure when, so we decided to wait until it "felt right" to try for our second, but our son will be 6 yrs old in 2 weeks and we have never desired another. If we had one now or any time after, they would be at least 7 years apart and you can call me lazy, but I just don't feel like doing it all over again.

Logistically, it is very inexpensive to have one child. Our house and cars are all paid for and we only have 3 bedrooms, one has to be an office, so we would have to get a bigger house, and neither of us feels like doing the mortgage thing again. College is HUGE, I just don't see how we could pay for two kids in college. Also, all the sports and stuff, it's not much now, but I've already seen how expensive it can get--of course, if he was not an only child, I guess those things wouldn't be so important for socialization. I also thought about the population, and our carbon footprint. Having one child gives me plenty free time so I can do things like recycle without stressing out, and volunteer to help the world and less fortunate people. He is finally getting to the age where it is easy to travel with him more often and further distances and I am excited about taking him overseas and to the Grand Canyon and Disney and all that stuff--we couldn't do that now if we had younger one, plus a few of those trips would just be too pricey for 2 kids.

Jodi - posted on 10/15/2010

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I can vouch that girls are definitely more difficult that girls....mine are anyway. Boys just seem to be easier pleased. The girls will make a big deal out of the tiniest little things (although not so much my SD these days, she's 18 and seems to have outgrown the Drama Queen thing).

Bonnie - posted on 10/15/2010

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Jennifer, I have been that girls are more difficult to take care of and raise and I should be thankful that I have 2 boys and should not want a girl. Personally, I think it depends on the child, but who knows.

Jenni - posted on 10/15/2010

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Jess, I didn't have much interest in boys either. Once I had mine my mind completely changed and I absolutely love having my boyish boy. He is a handful though! But the harder they make you work the more you love them. I wanted a girl for my second just to experience having one of each. But if I have a 3rd I want it to be a boy!



Edited to add: When my SD has a meltdown about every little thing and they can last for up to an hour. That shrill high-pitched scream makes me tear my hair out. My son's meltdowns are so short-lived and mostly consist of yelling "Leave me 'lone", "go away" or "I don't wanna!". My SD shrieks like a banshee.

The whinning drives me bonkers too. Although my son is now two and going through the whinney stage. My SD is way more whinney and her Daddy spoils her so she goes off the deep end when she doesn't get her way.

Jodi - posted on 10/15/2010

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LOL Jess, I am visualising those teen years when you will all be PMSing at the same time. Make sure your hubby builds himself a REALLY big shed.....possibly lockable from the inside.

Jess - posted on 10/15/2010

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I've got 1 daughter and I really want 3 more ! No interest in having boy babies. So 4 girls would make me so happy ! No reason for this, its just what I want.

Sarah - posted on 10/15/2010

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I've got 2 girls and I know now that I'm done!
I did go through a little phase of wanting another, but I think it was just me wanting the 2 I have to be babies again, rather than wanting a new one! lol!

I'm done for a few reasons really.......we don't have the money or the room (our 2 share a room as it is!) for another baby. My husband is 40 now, and he worries already that he's "too old", he wants to be around to see them grow up and stuff, so he wouldn't want any more for that reason too. If I'm honest, I struggle enough with the 2 I've got!!! I don't think I would cope very well if I had another baby. Having 3 would mean we would be outnumbered! hahahaha!

So yeah, I'm done with having babies, I always wanted 2 girls, and that's what I got.......so I'm happy with the way things are. :)

[deleted account]

I agree with the fostering/adoption thing. If we were to do that, it would be far into the future. Adopting a child is expensive, so we'd like to have the house paid for, and a good bit in savings and our IRAs so we won't be financially strapped and stressed when trying to welcome a new child into our family. I love the idea of adopting, because there are so many children out there that need a family. I figure we have a happy, stable family, so we should at least consider it. But like I said, that's at least 10 years down the road. My poor husband will be pushing 50. Ah, well I guess we could always adopt an older child as opposed to a baby.

Jenny - posted on 10/14/2010

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I feel the same as Carol. I feel more than two kids is harmful to long term sustainabilty of our planet.



Two kids are a good fit for us. We can take one with each parent, we don't need to buy a larger vehicle, we can make do with a smaller house. Two kids works perfectly for us.



In the future, should the urge strike, we will adopt or foster.

Charlie - posted on 10/14/2010

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Yes Carol i want to permanently foster children once mine are older there is a huge need for it in Aus , there are thousands of children who are moved from home to home in Australia because of a complete lack of permanent foster carers , i would love to do my part in helping a child live a quality life .

Johnny - posted on 10/14/2010

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The most I would ever have biologically is 2. Currently, it is for space, time, money, and ecological reasons. But if I won the lottery and bought a huge house, I would adopt any more kids if I was going to have them. I believe that overpopulation is the number one problem on the globe, the one that causes all our other problems. So I see it as hypocritical for me to increase the population just because I really like kids and would love to have at least 4. It will be hard if I can not conceive again, and it will be sad even if I do and will not be doing it again. But I see it as the responsible choice for me.

Jenni - posted on 10/14/2010

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Right now for us the factor is money. My husband has a daughter from a previous relationship and we have 2 children together. I have always wanted 3 I think it's because I came from a family of 3 children. So part of me wants just one more. :) But we wouldn't consider it at this time because of our financial situation.

I've always known I would want at least 2 children because I feel it's important to have siblings to learn from, to play with, to socialize and protect each other.

Time obviously plays a factor as in having enough time for each of my children. My two are nearly two years apart. I was overly excited to have my second once I knew how awesome is was having kids. Part of me wishes I would have waited one more year. I feel guilty that my son at 2 years old still needs me so much and I can't be devoted to him 100%. If I do have a 3rd I'm waiting until my daughter is 3 or 4 years old.

When we were trying for our second I told my husband if we had another boy I would more than likely want to have a 3rd. I know it's silly but I wanted to experience having a daughter. When I found out I was having a girl I said, That's it! I'm DONE! My husband who only wanted 2 children suddenly started implying 'we may try for a 3rd' down the road. I found it's because he was secretly disappointed and wants another boy. He's a little afraid of the thought of having 4 kids, however.

Both of us were the type who never thought about kids before. He didn't have his first until he was 29. I was 26 when I had my son. We never realized how amazing it is to be parents until we became them. Far more obligations and stress than the life we were living before our kids but the rewards and fulfillment far out weigh that.

So yeah.... 3.5 (not that my SD is half a child but we only have her 6-7 days a month) is pushing it a little for us. It's a possibility. I don't think we could ever have more than that though. If we did have a 3rd together it would be the big V for him after that!

Dana - posted on 10/14/2010

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We have one child, we'd like to have another too. On one hand we would like our son to have a sibling, my husband and I both have siblings (whom we get along with) and want that for our son. On the other hand, we also love our small family. We know we can provide for our son and it's hard to think our time would be divided.

In the end, it's up to each individual.

[deleted account]

My husband and I decided before we got married that we'd like two children. The reasons for this are that it's much easier to afford two children and still be able to do those little extra things which you couldn't if you had more, having two means it is much easier to have a home where each child can have their own room. I think the way we came to this decision was that we considered our upbringing. I have one sister, Steven is one of four siblings. I was able to do those little extras such as swimming lessons etc. and he wasn't. Yes money isn't everything but having four children and not being able to live comfortably is stress we can deal without, but I don't want Logan to be an only child either =]

[deleted account]

I have one and preggo with number 2. We'll likely stop after this one. Reasons:

1. We can easily afford two.

2. My husband will be 36 with the baby is born. We'd like for him to not have to use a walker at our daughter's wedding.

3. I *think* that I'd eventually like to go back to work. I was a teacher. Right now I stay at home. I love every minute. I'm committed to being at home until we are done having kids, and they are all in elementary school. As it is now, I'll be in my early thirties when I return to work (unless I decide to go back to school first and in that case I'll be older). I'd like to get in a good 20 years with the school system for retirement reasons, and still be able to retire young enough to enjoy it.

However, I'm open to more after this second one is here. We've always had a "wait and see" attitude about the number of kids we'll have. Right now though, we are thinking this will be it. Doesn't mean that we won't change our minds or have an "accident." =)

Serena - posted on 10/14/2010

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We had decided on two children. We had it planned to have them 5 years apart like my husband and his brother. That way my oldest was out of (expensive) daycare and in school when his sibling was born. But with enough convincing and circumstances working out, we decided to have them almost three years apart. We were done. Two boys...wanted a girl but two boys would be just as fun. Thought pink and got blue :) My husband had even scheduled his vasectomy but had to cancel because they were getting called out during his recovery time. Then we find out two months after my youngest son was born we were pregnant again. We were devestated trying to figure out how we were going to handle three...but everything must happen for a reason because I did finally get my girl. But having two babies is hard work.
So I guess you can have a plan but I have learned to be prepared to think outside the plan. But now that she is here, I'm glad our family is complete.
It better be...

Caitlin - posted on 10/14/2010

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We have 2, I want a third, hubby says he would prefer 2, but isn't totally opposed to it, but we'd have to wait until there was more money coming in since we are both still in school. He is finshing in May, so maybe then we can discuss it depending on what job he gets. I'd love to have a boy, since I have 2 girls. I wouldn't mind a 3rd girl, I just dread if either of them is going to be a princess. My age really isn't a consideration, i'm only 25 but my husband is 38, so he would rather not wait too long, neither would I. I want our kids to be close, our first 2 are only 15 months apart, and i'd like our third (if we have one) to not be more than 2 years from our second.

Bonnie - posted on 10/14/2010

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@ Tracey, sorry to hear about that. I think of situations like that all the time. It's so difficult not to.

Tracey - posted on 10/14/2010

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We wanted 5 but stopped at 3 which was when my son was diagnosed disabled, couldn't cope with another child with the same condition

Bonnie - posted on 10/14/2010

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@ Petra, my husband is the same like your partner...he is happy with his 2 boys and I respect that and I have come around quite a bit in the past year since hearing that, but he knows how much I want a girl. We shall see what happens.

Bonnie - posted on 10/14/2010

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@ Louise, I know how you feel about wanting a girl. I have always wanted a girl. I have 2 boys right now and i'm in the process of trying to convince my husband like you did with yours :-). I just don't want to take too long to do it as the kids are getting older and so am I lol

Bonnie - posted on 10/14/2010

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@ Loureen, I think it is very nice and respectful of you that you are being open to one more if your husband should want one more.

Petra - posted on 10/14/2010

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My partner has a son from a previous relationship and we have a baby boy together. We are not planning on having any more, and it is a combination of all the factors in the OP - plus, I hated being pregnant and I found the first few months (that bloody fourth trimester) incredibly hard. Financially it would be tough - two kids in child care, another RESP, getting a bigger vehicle, finishing the basement to create a fourth bedroom... etc. Plus, after Tor was born, my partner said he was happy with his two boys - and I respect that.

Louise - posted on 10/14/2010

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I have a strange sort of view of this I had my first son aged 21 and my second at 24 and if this child had been a girl I would of been done. I love my boys to bits but I desperately wanted to have a girl. Any way my husband said he did not want any more children and we could not afford any more. So for 15 years I was happy with my lot but always regreted not having a daughter. Suddenly aged 36 my body clock just kicked in and took over and it took me 6 months to convince my husband that another baby was the way to go. Any way things were not plain sailing and it took us nearly 3 years to have my third baby which thank god was the little girl I always wanted. I knew the day she was born that the family was complete even though it had taken us nearly 18 years to complete our family. The broody feelings have gone away and I am happy with my lot complete at last.

LaCi - posted on 10/14/2010

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Logically I think 1. Based on time- by the time I have another nico will be five and I'd be just YEARS away from freedom, why do I want to ruin that? Money- 2 kids at private school is not feasible unless they have a buy one get one special. space-i'd rather not have a large house, but with 4 people it would have to be larger, which is also more to clean. Oh, the boyfriend says no more.



I do want another occasionally, but it usually only lasts for a day or so before I come to my senses.

[deleted account]

I would like 3 but I'd be happy with 4 too.
I only have 1 sibling, a brother who is 6 years younger than me. He didn't feel like much of a sibling when we were younger, more this annoying thing who I had to look after and broke my stuff. We never attended the same school and I moved out when he was 14 so in some ways we were kind of like only children. Our family was also not close with many of our extended family so I kind of have a thing about providing positive family relationships for my children. My husband is the eldest of 3 and I know he'd be happy with just 2 (because him and his brothers fought a lot and 2 would gang up on 1) but we kind of compromised by I could have 3 if we waited til 30ish to have them.
What was the other stuff? "Patience? Space? Time? Money?"
Patience? I work with infants and toddlers. If I didn't have patience I'd be in the wrong field, LOL
Space? We have a 2 bedroom at the moment but we're in the process of upgrading.
Time? I've still got a few good childbearing years ahead of me. But I plan to have finished by 35.
Money? My husband earns well. And I love my job and can work it around kids so that's thankfully not an issue.

[deleted account]

I have always said 3..i have been blessed with 2 amazing girls and i dont know now if i can ever go for the third..i just have to wait and see what the docs say but if i cant , I'm grateful to have my two angels.

Stifler's - posted on 10/13/2010

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2. I'm too lazy to have more than that. Logan needs a sister or brother so he's not a spoilt only child. 2 is a good number :)

Becky - posted on 10/13/2010

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Well, for us it's based on a few things. One was compromise - I always wanted 4, Jeff really only wanted 2. So we decided to compromise at 3. I really want a girl. If our second had been a girl, we probably would've been done. So, I admit, I'm kind of glad he wasn't, because I didn't want to be done! I know I could end up with 3 boys, but I need to try once more for a girl.
Anyways, our decision to stop with 3 is based on our ages - I'm already 34, he's just a few months younger than I am, and we don't want to be having kids much older than 35. Finanaces - we don't have unlimited money for unlimited children. Space - our house has 4 bedrooms, but one is in the basement, and I don't like the idea of having a young child 2 floors away from us.
I think a lot of it is our age, really. Because of our ages, we've spaced our children quite close together. Our 2 oldest are only 18 months apart, and we're trying for #3, with the youngest only being 13 months old now. With them that close together, 3 is going to be a major handful, let alone any more than that! If we'd gotten married and started having children younger, maybe we would have spaced them out more and had more. Because we started in our 30's, Jeff is concerned about how long he's going to have to work to put them through school, etc, as well.
If I had my way, I'd just keep having kids until I couldn't anymore, but I know that's not realistic.

Charlie - posted on 10/13/2010

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Personally for me two is enough for several reasons .

Physical - i dont feel a want to go through pregnancy or birth again as much as i loved it its time to take care of my body for myself , this is also based on having two children very close together and a misscarriage in my first pregnancy a year before my oldest was born , i havent had me to myself in nearly 4 years .

Mental - i think mentally im good for two kids as well as the way i react hormone wise when pregnant and breastfeeding it can be quiet draining .

Financially - while we could afford more i prefer to live comfortably with two children than have to struggle with three , this way we can do everythng we want to as a family without having to compromise too much .

Enviromentally - there are already too many people on this planet slowly destroying it , ive got my little babys , im happy , i dont need any more to add to the number
I have always known that i wanted Two boys and fourtunatly that is what i have :)
Ive offered my fiance the chance at one more , he has four years to decide and then i get my tubes tied .

[deleted account]

Oh... and apparently, according to my ex NOW we should've stopped at two, but he neglected to inform me of this until I was already 8 months pregnant....

[deleted account]

My ex and I both said we wanted 2-5 kids. When we found out the twins were both girls... it changed to 3-5. Now I've got 2 girls and a boy and I'm single.... so I'm done. IF I were in a good and stable marriage... I think I would've liked to have had 4, but even I were to ever get married again... I am DONE. I won't risk any new kid going through what my kids have gone/are giong through because of my failed marriage to their father. :(

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