Older Mom with virtually non-communicative kids

Terri - posted on 11/12/2012 ( 3 moms have responded )

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Hello fellow moms. I have three children. Twin boys soon turning 26 that live significantly from where I love. My daughter is much closer to where I love. She and I talk lots and see one another as often as both of our schedules will allow.

My sons on the other hand are so very 'off the radar' that I cannot understand it. We are connect on facebook but that isn't to say that we 'connect' on facebook. I had a birthday recently. Neither of of my sons contacted me which hurt me HUGE. I did recieve a scant birthday greetin on facebook from one son and a text from the other saying he was too sick to make a phone call.



I find this extremely difficult to come to terms with and understand. There has not bee a riff or a tiff or an argument...nothing at alll that would be a reason for lack of contact. I just don't know how to deal with it without feeling terribly hurt. Is this normal? Is this common? I feel that if I were to ever fall of the planet, that they wouldn't even blink an eye. Am I wrong?

Terri

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Terri - posted on 11/12/2012

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Tracey/Kelly

Thank you for those words. Believe it or not, they are like a 'balm for the soul'. Yes, I do try to keep in touch with them quite often. Even if its a quick 'Hi Honey..I love you" on fb or via an email. I'm lucky if I get a response but I always try to keep the constant drip of communication going. I truly appreciate your words. I was on the verge of going to a therapist to see 'what was wrong with me'...or...'what did I (or have I) done wrong'. More over...how do I emotionally reconcile myself to this. I hear what you say when you speak about being in your twenties.....if I recall, I found my parents a bit of a (dare i even say it)...an annoyance at times. As I grew older and older, the switch came on my my head and heart that I wasn't going to have these folks around forever. To that end, I grew so close to my mom and dad.

Ahh kids...whats a mom to do :-)

[deleted account]

I agree with a lot of what Tracey said. guys, in general, need a reason to call, they don't just call to chat. My husband is similar, but he loves his mom and will talk if she calls him. If he does call his mom, it is usually just to make arrangements for something.



That said, it could be normal for their ages too. When I was in my mid twenties, I went through a time when I just wasn't really there for my parents. Not that they "needed" me, so to speak, but our communication just fell off. I didn't know what to say when I did call, so I avoided calling, my life was so busy at the time that I didn't notice the rift at all until things slowed down. I do regret the way I acted then. Now, I'm not a phone person. I still don't like to call, but I make an effort, I usually make up some question as a reason to call and the conversation will flow from there. I prefer visits, but luckily my parents are only an hour or so away, and I am rebuilding what I broke.



Try to call your sons. Eventually, they will grow out of it, and they will appreciate the effort you make. Nothing really happened to make me realize that I needed to communicate with my parents more, I just sort of started knowing, you know? I know that with my own parents, by the time I figured out I needed to be talking to them more, I had gone for so long not talking to them that I was not sure they even wanted to talk. It took a lot of courage to pick up the phone. I think if they are feeling that way, calling them once a week would let them know that even though you haven't spoken much, you still want to hear from them. It would make it easier to call when they really want to.

Tracey - posted on 11/12/2012

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My mum says the same about my brother, although she and I talk nearly every day, he calls about once a week or less. My husband is the same, he never rings anyone, have to remind him constantly to call people.

Maybe it is because women can ring just for a chat whereas men (huge generalisation) need a reason to do anything.

How do your sons react if you call them?

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