Opting to adopt -- as the first choice.

Krista - posted on 03/23/2011 ( 55 moms have responded )

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A friend of mine just got married, and she and her husband will make fantastic parents. They're in the adoption process as we speak.

The thing is: they never tried to have any biological children, nor do they want to.

They have their own reasons for this, which is totally fine with me.

However, they have encountered a lot of pushback from other friends, family and acquaintances, who think that they're making a mistake, who think that they'll regret what they're doing, or who cannot seem to accept the fact that someone would want to adopt even though they're fertile (as far as they know).

I told her to just tell everybody that if it's good enough for Brangelina, it's good enough for her, and that they can all sod off and mind their own business.

What would you think if a friend told you that she and her husband were going to adopt, without them having ever tried for a biological child? Would you be supportive? Confused? Would you think they're making a mistake?

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Sara - posted on 07/03/2011

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@Cedar, (which I didn't read before posting). As a foster parent I have to say that the majority of the kids who come into my home don't have some parent dying to get them back. As sad as this sounds it's true. I've not had one parent, NOT ONE, do what the courts required them to do to get their child back. 42. That's right 42 children in my home and not A SINGLE one was sent back home to live with their parent. So don't try to feed me the crap you're spouting. I'm not saying there aren't people out there like that. But you know what?! Those are the ones whose children will eventually be returned to them, those children will never be available for adoption. The parents will be so desperate to get them back they will do all that is required and get their children back.

Here in Washington if a child is up for adoption that means the biological parents have had 18 months to do what was required in order to get their child back. And if they are trying there can be extensions made. AND it also means there was not a suitable biological family placement because legally they are REQUIRED to search for and place with family FIRST if at all possible.

People who spout this stuff without actual facts and experience irritate me to no end.

Merry - posted on 07/03/2011

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My family cared for 25 foster babies over the span of me being 6-14 years old, only one went back to her birth mom, and that was within a few weeks of her birth, all the others were adopted. Including my little brother who my parents adopted because he was going to go to state foster system. These infants were voluntarily given up, and adopted, I think it was beautiful to experience.

Tara - posted on 07/03/2011

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Whoa Cedar,
Can I ask you a couple of questions?
Oh well I'm going to anyways.
What do you think should become of the thousands of children currently living as wards of the state and will never be allowed to be with their birth mother until they reach the age of majority?
What about the babies who's mother DID NOT want them? The moms who found out too late to have an abortion and so took poor care of themselves, delivered and left the baby in the care of the state? She never looked back and is already knocked up again. What about her babies? Should they be left in the system in case mom cleans up her act and wants them again?
What fucking right should she have to them???
And yes there are a lot of differences, and a lot of possible issues later in their lives if they choose to find their birth mother, not necessarily negative issues, but issues all the same.
I highly doubt and adoptive parents go into thinking it will be JUST like having your own child.
We know enough about genetics to give us a clearer understanding of nature versus nurture. Adoptive parents are probably better prepared in some ways to be parents than natural parents.
They are also much better screened. Screening for being a adoptive parent is intense. Screening to be a birth mother? None.
I find your post to lack real knowledge and is also full of open ended scenarios like if people don't adopt, what will happen to all the kids in care right now?
How do you feel people should deal with society's unwanted babies and children? Keep them in care because somewhere they may have a parent who does want them. (but no one can force you to give up your baby, so not really a valid argument).

[deleted account]

"I'm going to stop there because I'm soangry that I don't want to say something that would violate T.H.U.M.P.S."

Well I'm not and don't give a rat's ass if this post gets locked, and I get a warning to play nice! Cedar, I think the attitude you presented downright sucked big time! What the fuck are you thinking when you were writing that? Do you have ANY clue what the adoption process is like to make those judgement calls? What authority are you? Trust me, there are kids out there that DON'T have families and birth moms and dads. There are kids out there who have come from such vile homes that they WANT to forget their hideous past at the tender age of 6! Not ALL adopted kids want to know any part of their biological family, whether they are adopted as a 2 day old infant or as a 7 year old kid. You are sooooo way off base! And half of me thinks you're a troll, just stiring up the pot!

Sara - posted on 07/03/2011

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As a foster parent for 6 and 1/2 years I think it's freakin fantastic! Good for them. I have seen 42 children in my house. Loving, caring, searching for their forever family and never getting it (I take teens). So if they want to adopt some of these kids I say GO FOR IT! The world needs more people willing to make families in a non-traditional way.

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Tara - posted on 07/03/2011

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I would be 100% supportive of them, not only that I would admire them for their willingness to provide a loving home for children that did not spring forth from their own loins.
I agree with you, she should just tell everyone that she is going to go about becoming a parent differently but that the outcome of a happy family will be the same.
:)

[deleted account]

Good luck to the adopting couple.



I have to say that adopting a child can be difficult (OK OK having your own can be difficult too! I know). My parents adopted my little sister when I was 17 and it's been reallllly hard for my parents and for her. You could say that she just wasn't a good match with who my parents were and who she was. It was a square peg in a round hole situation and a lot of heart break.

[deleted account]

Thanks Sharon, you just about summed it up for me :) After I posted earlier I went and did my FB thing (I love Treasure Isle - lol) and I stewed about that post the whole time. I dcided to screw THUMPS and come back on to give a piece of my mind only to find that you said everything I was thinking. So thanks! :)

[deleted account]

Wow Cedar... That's quite a stand... and a very wrong one from my experiences. I honestly have no words to express how angry your post made me. You are putting down two people who want to give a loving, caring home to a child because you THINK the child's mother didn't want to adopt them out? REALLY?!?! I'm going to stop there because I'm soangry that I don't want to say something that would violate T.H.U.M.P.S...

Jennifer - posted on 07/01/2011

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I think if they want to adopt that is FABULOUS! There are many children who would be lucky to have them for parents. I think adoption gets a lot of bad press and people only hear about the horror stories (there are plenty involving people's biological children as well). I would be very supportive of them!

Krystal - posted on 07/01/2011

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I think that it's an awesome idea! There are so many kids out there that don't have a home; not to mention the kids that are being born into the world and just given away. We need people like your friends so that we don't have so many children belonging to the state, because (I can tell you from being a ward of the state) things get really hard as you grow older and you miss out on a lot when you don't have a family to turn to.

Jenn - posted on 07/01/2011

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I think it is amazing and wonderful when people choose to adopt! Those who question why they wouldn't want biological children...well, how would they even really know how to answer that? I had no idea what having biological children was going to be like until I gave birth to them. It isn't even comprehensible until it happens. Experiencing it is the ONLY way to truly know. Those who've never experienced being a biological parent don't feel they are missing it because they simply aren't! That's not a bad thing at all! If anything, it frees their minds and hearts to continue on in their quest to adopt. Choosing to parent children who have no one else is incredibly selfless, generous and such a blessing to orphaned children (and there are SO many!).

There are children given up for all kinds of reasons, all over the world. And, there ARE those who's mothers simply didn't want them. It happens. It is terribly sad but true.

Adoption is admirable and I applaud anyone who does so!

Cedar - posted on 07/01/2011

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I am going to be a "nay" vote on this, because they might be confusing adopting with having a child of their own. The two are very very different. An adopted child, no matter what the age of the child, already has parents out there, a family history, connections -- and often a loving mother who wants desperately to keep her baby and will not cease being a mother to that child.

Are your friends prepared to "share" the role and title of "parent"?

Are they prepared that their child may have a deep emotional connection (and feelings of loss) regarding his or her natural family?

Yes, they may legally obtain all the parental rights to that child, but that does not mean that they will automatically be the sole mother and father from that point onwards. The natural mother will always be a mother to her child, and the mother-child bond that comes from pregnancy and birth may survive decades of separation. Adult adoptees may even change back their names and ask to be adopted back again. Many retain or establish loving family relationships with their natural families again.

Children who are adopted do not appear under cabbage leaves -- adoption is not the same as pregnancy and birth -- and are your friends able to acknowledge the difference and deal with it?

Becky - posted on 03/29/2011

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I would think it was great! Especially if they are willing to adopt an older or special needs child. There are so many of them that need homes and really, once you have other children, it becomes so much harder to adopt a special needs child. Not that the process becomes harder, but you have other children to think about, and so the potential for a break-down becomes much higher.
I will say that if they were only looking at adopting a healthy white newborn (which its sounds like they are not), it would bother me a bit because there are not many of those babies available for adoption and that would be taking one from a couple who cannot actually have one biologically. But, a lot of adoption agencies will not allow you to apply for a healthy newborn if infertility is not medically established anyway.
We considered adopting because we weren't sure if I could conceive. It's still on the table, and I'm hopeful that we will at least foster once our kids are a little older. I think adoption is a wonderful way to have a family. Guess I should, since I'm an adoption worker and all. :) Jocelyn, if you ever adopt, maybe I'll end up doing your home assessment! :)

[deleted account]

No,no, & no.Nobody has the right to tell this couple how to live there life.They have made there decision and respect that.I think what they are doing is remarkable and wonderful.I hope soon enough they get to experience the joy of being new parents to there new baby.

I wish them all the very best.I would 100% support them if they were my friends.Its not easy becoming new parents to your own children, let a lone going through a process like this.You need your family& friends by your side to support and encourage you.

ME - posted on 03/27/2011

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My sister and her husband have said the same thing. They will not be having children, but if they can afford the adoption process, they will adopt a child. They actually looked into it right after the disaster in Haiti...I don't see this as a problem. I can't imagine what anyone could say or think that would make sense as an argument against doing this!

[deleted account]

I think it's amazing what they're doing!! So many children out there don't have families, and they're helping to make a difference in a child's life - what's better than that? Good for them ♥

Jaime - posted on 03/26/2011

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Someone is always going to have a negative opinion about this situation because, based on the familial norms we're used to biological preceeding all else. Your friends sound sure of themselves and that is all they need to make this decision about their own lives.

I would be 110% supportive if one of my siblings/friends approached me about adopting a child without having had a biological one first. I wouldn't think they were making a mistake so long as they were adopting for the right reasons (not to fill a void or gain some kind of status), which is the same way I'd feel about anyone wanting to conceive a child.

Good luck to your friends as they go through the adoption process...I hope it's quick and easy for them ♥

Christina - posted on 03/26/2011

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I would be supportive :) I think it is fabulous of people to take in some of the children who are homeless out there. However, if they are fertile and are going after a newborn, I think that makes them selfish. Almost everyone wants a newborn, and for a couple who CAN have a child whenever they want to take a newborn from a couple that can't ever give birth no matter what seems a little selfish. However if the birth mom chooses them, then oh well. Life sucks and everyone can get over it. I wish them the best of luck!

Jenn - posted on 03/26/2011

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I would think they are selfless, wonderful people, who are doing a good thing.

Casey - posted on 03/25/2011

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I think it's a lovely thing that they are doing and I can totally understand why they would want to do it, with so many homeless and unwanted children in the world I can understand why they would opt to adopt rather then just have one of their own, and just because they are going to adopt now doesn't mean that they won't have a biological child one day, if I were them I would tell people who object to mind their own buisness and have a heart, good luck to them :)

Johnny - posted on 03/24/2011

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I think it is fantastic and I admire them deeply. I wanted one of my own, for the experience. An entirely selfish reason. But I would be thrilled to adopt any further children. My husband does not wish to adopt at this time, so it's off the table for now. I would be happy to pursue a domestic, infant adoption and wait the allotted time. I could not afford a private or foreign adoption, so that's off the table. My husband has a friend who adopted a baby from Russia, and it went so very wrong. I think that is why he is opposed.



As for the child not being family, I think it's bull. My cousin was adopted into our family at the age of 5 when my uncle married his mother. They were only married for 7 years, but after the divorce, my uncle continued to raise him as his own, had joint custody (the mother was perfectly fine and happy about it - our family is all still friends with her), and he paid for his college and helped pay for his wedding. He is as much my cousin as my biological cousins, in fact, we are actually a bit closer because we are so close in age. My grandmother adores him just like the rest of us. At his engagement party, there was a picture taken of him with his "immediate family": his biological mother, her current husband, his biological father, his current wife, his adopted father, and his current wife. At the wedding, they all sat together in the front row beaming proudly. Family is what you make it. It's ties of love and commitment, not blood.

Kathy - posted on 03/24/2011

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I think its a good idea. There are plenty of kids in the world who need loving parents. Kids that are ALREADY here. Good for them! Im sure they will be great parents.

Kathy - posted on 03/24/2011

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I think its a good idea. There are plenty of kids in the world who need loving parents. Kids that are ALREADY here. Good for them! Im sure they will be great parents.

Krista - posted on 03/24/2011

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Cathy, from what I understand, they're not insisting upon a newborn. They're exploring both foreign and domestic adoption, but as far as I'm aware, are definitely open to beyond newborns. (I'm crossing my fingers that they get a child the same age as Sam, so that we can do playdates!)

Jessica - posted on 03/24/2011

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Joanna- I didn't mean to imply that adopted children are any less "yours" than biological; I guess I should have worded it differently. Again to reiterate- I'd be 100% supportive of one's decision to do that because its a great thing. I'm just saying I'd also be curious as to what made them want to do that rather than having biological children. Its just a perspective I'm totally unfamiliar with since I've always known I wanted to get pregnant and have children.

Jenni - posted on 03/24/2011

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My sister is an RN at TO Sick Children's hospital. At the moment she and her finance are not ready for children. Just started their careers and paying off SL. As far as they know they are able to conceive on their own. My sister has been for the last 4 or 5 years dead set against having children of her own (sounds silly to me but she's terrified of the birthing process after her residency in the maternity ward, not opting to adopt but her reason; maybe she has more we havent spoke about it in depth). She is very convinced she'd rather take the route of adoption. I support her 100% I think that's so fantastic and selfless of her when there are so my children in the world who have no one and need a loving home. I hope she does, honestly. I find it very respectable and admirable.

Brandi - posted on 03/24/2011

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I think it is a wonderful idea! People keep having babies when there are so many already who need a home. If I could have afforded adoption, I would have chose to do it. I still honestly would LOVE to adopt a girl. I have 2 sons, and a step-son, I seriously would LOVE some "girl time". Unfortunately, we wouldn't be able to support 4 children. But, I think if you can adopt then I think you are making an awesome decision!

Merry - posted on 03/24/2011

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Krista, my little brother is adopted, my fathers parents were very reluctant to be supportive as they also felt it wouldn't be really the same, especially as he is also half black and so doesn't look like us. But honestly as soon as they were actually holding and cuddling and tickling him they fell in love! Now they are both all for adoption and they feel it's totally an amazing thing to do.
I understand the apprehension, you don't know how it will feel until it's in your face. But I really think most families and friends will end up falling totally in love with any adopted child. It's a common concern, and i don't think it means they are bad people, just worried. And odds are the child will quickly fix their worries!

Jocelyn - posted on 03/24/2011

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I think it's absolutely fantastic!
A child is a child, biological or not. It's about love.
When I was little, I always wanted to adopt (but my DH has super sperm that nothing can stop, so biological children where in the cards for me lol)
If we were to ever have another kid, we would adopt (although I AM a vegetarian...)

Laura - posted on 03/24/2011

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I think it is awesome!!! All of my cousins on my mom's side of the family are adopted and they are as much my cousins as the one's on my dads side. And my grandmother loved us all the same.

It is a wonderful thing to do and I hope that when my boys get a little older I can talk my husband into adopting a little girl even though we have our own children. There are so many kids out there who need to be loved.

Krista - posted on 03/24/2011

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I also agree that they're doing something awesome. The husband is adopted, so he's all for it, and obviously, his mom is all for it as well. But her mother is a bit of a different story, saying that she doesn't feel like this child will "really" be her grandchild.

I told my friend to just wait -- that grandmotherly instinct will soon kick in, and before you know it, my friend will be here on COM, asking what do to about her mom spoiling her child! LOL!

Danielle - posted on 03/24/2011

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As an adoptee I think it's wonderful! There are so many children out there needing a good home and wonderful parents. They will be the answer to someone's prayers.

Tracey - posted on 03/24/2011

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Good for them, it's no-one else's business if they don't want biological children.

Alyssa - posted on 03/23/2011

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It is so nice to know that there are people around that would, and do, do this!!
Not knowing the person I think it is great but I can also understand criticism they might get from close friends and family. I could imagine my own mother if I told her I was adopting as opposed to conceiving my own. I guess it is emotional for them too and they need time to process their thoughts just like the adopting couple would have while they made the decision.

Stifler's - posted on 03/23/2011

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I would be supportive but I'd also wonder why they didn't try for a biological child if there was nothing wrong with them as it'd be a fair bit cheaper. I probably wouldn't ask though. I'd rather adopt a third child than give birth to another one!

Jenny - posted on 03/23/2011

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I think it's a bag of win. We are kind of obsessed with biological children in our culture. It's nice to be reminded families come in many different packages.

Jane - posted on 03/23/2011

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I would be completely supportive and probably a little envious of two people who could think so unselfishly. I applaud them and if I were them, I'd be telling folks who weren't supportive "thanks but I'm not sure I asked for your opinion". LOL

Joanna - posted on 03/23/2011

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Jessica, you saying "not wanting to have your own children" stood out to me...

Pregnancy doesn't make the children any more yours, in a sense anyway... It's the love and nurturing, the guidance, support... Raising the child is truly being a parent - no matter where they came from.

Bravo to anyone who adopts!

Ez - posted on 03/23/2011

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I guess I may be a bit intrigued as to what led them to that decision, but I woud be happy and supportive! I see absolutely nothing wrong with it and don't see how it could be a mistake. I would assume that a person going through the long adoption process would be pretty sure of what they want.

[deleted account]

I think it's a wonderful and selfless choice. I wish more people would make that choice as well. There are so many children out there just waiting to be adopted that anyone who takes them in and gives them a good home is the highest hero in my book - regardless of whether they have biological children or not.

[deleted account]

I think it's a great way to create a family! Is your friend adopting an infant? Older children through foster care? I would be 100% supportive. Not ALL women have an innate ability to WANT to be pregnant and give birth. Hubby & I were 1/3 of the way through the foster care adoption process when we learned I was pregnant again. We were seeking to adopt a sibling set up to age 8. I've always kept adoption in the back of my mind, but while going through the initial part of the process, I did have some snide remarks from people who had no clue of my previous pregnancy losses. Adoption should never be thought of as lesser or unequal to biological children.

Audrey - posted on 03/23/2011

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i think thats awesome! good for them! we have 2 biological children and i am hoping that when they are pre-teens or teenagers, if they are doing good in school and in life, we will adopt another child that is close to the age they are at the time. my husband was in the foster "care" system from the time he was 13 til he was 17. my husband had a terrible childhood, being bounced around between foster homes...so we have a very personal reason for wanting to adopt. i think adoption is wonderful for whoever wants to do it and for whatever reasons they have.

Minnie - posted on 03/23/2011

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Sheesh. Why in the world would it ever be wrong to choose to adopt instead of having biological children?

We personally aren't adopting-type people, but I think it is wonderful that other people want to do that. Your friend's adopted children will be loved as if she birthed them herself.

Jessica - posted on 03/23/2011

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It's interesting, and I'd be confused/curious. I couldn't personally understand not wanting to have your own children- not wanting to experience that. But I'd certainly be supportive of that decision. As far as I'm concerned they're doing a great thing- there are so many children that need homes. And, who's to say they wouldn't change their minds later on and have their own child? Nothing stopping that from happening either.

JuLeah - posted on 03/23/2011

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Our kids come to us in many ways, but if they come, they were meant to be part of our family. And really, if you go back far enough, we are all related anyway :)
Children are not a mistake .... I have a friend whoes job it is to assess an older persons ability to .... she interviews all family for this and tells me that when you get them alone and talking Aunt, Grandparents, and siblings have a lot to say .... few of us have the bio family we think we do :) She said in nearly every case someone was raised to think this fellow was her/his father, but really .... or this kid was adopted but we never told her ....

Also, I have friends who adopted a boy from another country ... if you were to see these folks together, there is no doubt they are a family - I mean from day 1 that kid was a fit - so clear he is their boy and they don't even know the birth mother - love makes a family, not blood and not the courts

Lacye - posted on 03/23/2011

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You know what, I think they are fucking awesome for doing this. Why should it matter if the child is theirs biologically or not. They are going to love that baby either way and that child is going to love them because he or she will know that he or she was chosen by them!

I would be totally supportive. They are not making a mistake. They might later on choose to have a child from their own bodies but right now, that's just not for them and not what they want.

Lady Heather - posted on 03/23/2011

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I think that's fine. Really the only reason we didn't do that was the added expense and all the paperwork etc. (fine once, but not something I want to do three times!) I think meeting my adopted child would be like a whole new kind of child birth. I'll be sad if I don't get to experience that one day.

[deleted account]

My sister said she doesnt want to have her own children. She is going to adopt and/or foster. I think its a wonderful idea. She feels why bring a child into the world if children exist that no one wants and she can parent them.

Merry - posted on 03/23/2011

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I think it's awesome! If a few more parents felt that way then maybe the foster systems here, and the orphanages overseas would be emptied. But most people have the strong biological urge to procreate and desire children they created together. So I always support adoption no matter what, most adoptions are infertile couples, I'd assume the second most likely would be a family who has like 3 boys and wants a girl but doesn't want to just 'risk' it biologically. Next common would likely be a family whose kids are grown or almost grown who wants more kids without revisiting newborn stages!

I'd think first chide adoptive parents would be the least common but to me its a very admirable tng and I wish more parents felt that way. Myself included. I wish I didn't feel the need to conceive carry and birth my own children, but I do and it's a powerful feeling. If I didn't feel this way I'd be totally supportive or adoption straight away.

Even so, I do believe we will adopt at some time.

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