Parentage

Iridescent - posted on 02/18/2011 ( 14 moms have responded )

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We've been raising my husband's twins with no child support, no family support, and no visitations from their biological mother for a bit over 2 years now. We had court this week to get child support into place. Now we find out that she intends to fight paying child support (which she can very well do, she lives off a trust fund and never has to work a day in her life) by claiming my husband isn't their father.

We have custody papers signed by her stating they are ours. We have the Recognition of Parentage. These kids only know us! And it really boils down to money - she wants to pop out kids, hurt them, and not be held liable for a dime. We discussed this last night and agreed that we should find out the biology of it via a DNA test (non-legal form, so it can't be sucked into court) so we know for ourselves, but regardless of the results we won't change our care of them or anything. My husband just simply can't live with that doubt; he'd rather have it be negative and raise the kids than not knowing at all.

What would you do in this situation? It's not just whether or not to test. Would you hire a lawyer to find out how to prevent the biological mother from forcing us to have a DNA test if our non-legal results are that he's not their biological father? How about suing her for lying all these years (they will be 4 next month), is that even allowed in any areas? File for adoption by us and complete termination of her parental rights? One of the twins is severely disabled, and the child support is needed but we've lived without it this long. It means we won't be able to afford a lot of the therapy that would help him though if we simply sign off on it, and that is a realistic concern for us. Would the potential other unknown father have any rights? We have no idea who it would even be, as my husband was working road construction in that time frame so wasn't around.

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Meghan - posted on 02/18/2011

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I would find a lawyer that does free consultations and find out your actual rights, and of course determine what is best for the kids. Document everything! My first instinct in any situation like this is a parent who would neglect a child or stress a child out in this manner really doesn't give a shit. You guys seem to be genuine in the kid's best interest so keep fighting for them! Also, I know where I live, if my ex acts like a douche (which he does) and pulls anything like this, he can be forced to pay the court fees and extra costs-including MY lawyer fees....that may be something to look into as well.

[deleted account]

My husband has been in a very similar situation. We are raising his oldest daughter - a child conceived soley for the purpose of her mother wanting to keep my hubby (she found out he was planning on breaking up with her). 3 years into our daughter's life, the bio mom bounced and has only had our daughter 13 1/2 WEEKS of our daughter's life since she left 5 years ago (our daughter is 8 now).



There was a time my hubby thought that maybe our daughter wasn't his and had considered getting an unofficial DNA test (like one you can buy at the pharmacy). I asked him "If she's not yours, would it make you feel any different?" His answer was, of course, no so we decided to drop it and not get the test (BTW, I am 100% sure she is his - she looks just like his mother's side of the family!).



I know your hubby is being dogged by the question of "are they or not?" and that sucks - and makes the bio mom a complete and utter bitch for dumping all that on him (and you too).



Honestly, in the end, the only person who can decide to do the test or not is your hubby. He needs to decide if the "what if" is worth living with or if he wants to know.



I would for sure at least pay for a lawyer consult and see where you guys stand legally in terms of custody and such of a test comes back that they are not his. Usually consults run around $100-200, but if you search there are some programs that do a sliding scale for payment (the more income you bring in, the more you pay).



As for the potential unknown father, yes he would have rights (SUCKS!). They are (possibly) his kids. Did the bio mom have a "runner up" for the father position, or did she just throw out there that she's not 100% sure your hubby is the father? If there are other potentials out there, the court can have them ordered to be drug tested as well to find out who the father is. If they find him, he has rights (at least that's how it is where I live - in California). Sorry hun :(



My best advice is to go do a consult with a lawyer and see what your options are. I wish you guys the best of luck and please know you are in my thoughts and prayers!

Esther - posted on 02/18/2011

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Regardless of the results if the DNA test I'd get in touch with a lawyer. I'd want to go into this situation armed with as much information as possible. Knowledge is power. I would want to know what my rights are, what that woman's rights are, what I should and shouldn't do to strengthen my case, etc. And then I most definitely would try to dress her down as much as possible. Women like that make me want to hurl.

Iridescent - posted on 02/18/2011

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Stephanie, we don't know. We have an appointment coming up with a geneticist for Justin being set up by his GP, per my request, as this is simply too many sick kids to be coincidence. It can't be the same cause for all of them, just some really nasty Murphy's Law thrown in, because 2 of the kids with disabilities are step siblings...
Josh is both mine had my husband's, disabled.
Zach is both of ours, healthy.
Cassie is mine and someone else's, disabled.
Kaylee is my husband's and this woman's, healthy.
Justin is Kaylee's twin, disabled.
My blog is - http://5reesespieces.wordpress.com/ - if you want to read. There is a tab regarding each of the kids, too.

Becky - posted on 02/18/2011

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Regardless of whether they are his or not, they are still hers, so I don't think that she should be able to get out of paying child support by saying they're not his children! If I were to leave my children with the neighbor to raise, I'd still be responsible for paying child support! But, I can see your concern that if they're not biologically his, she may try to get custody of them back. I think that if the DNA test comes back that they are not his, I would definitely consult a lawyer to figure things out. I would think there should be some kind of statute that takes into account that they have known him as their father, that he was always legally recognized as such, and that they have lived with you for 2 years. But I'm not a lawyer and don't know the laws of your state, so I'd say definitely get one.
Good luck!

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Iridescent - posted on 02/18/2011

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We have in home nursing, and it's saved us so much! It totals 2-3 nights per week and 1-2 days. Even I get mixed up, or forget at appointments that the doctor doesn't know the kids as well as we do so forget to tell them things, so Cassie and Justin's health histories are typed up as a summary to help keep everyone up to date. I was a huge mess, but it's improving.

[deleted account]

Amy- I just read your blog and am in tears. My heart goes out to you sweetheart. I don't know how you do it. But when I think of myself in your position I know there would be no other option but for me to just do it and move forward as they are my babies regardless of what comes with them. Do you have help with the kids? In home nursing to help take some of the weight off you?
You are so organized! Reading your blog I was just amazed at how much knowledge you have and how you can keep everything straight. My mind would be a jumbled mess lol. I think I could learn alot from you. ♥

Iridescent - posted on 02/18/2011

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They don't base child support of income taxes for her - her trust was taxed at the time it was made, similar manner to a ROTH IRA, so all money removed from it now is tax-free. They base the child support amount off what is removed from her trust and placed in her bank account monthly. It was a really confusing case, and still no ruling (should have one next week) because it's the first time they've ever dealt with a situation like this.

Thank you, Sherri! My husband and I both changed our jobs to rotate around our kids needs, and we rely pretty heavily on each other. If it weren't for him, I couldn't do it.

Jenn - posted on 02/18/2011

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I'm not sure how her argument would matter - either way they came out of her womb, so she should be responsible for child support - no matter WHO is caring for them, so I don't see that the courts would even need a DNA test. Now, if she has nothing to do with the kids, and isn't paying support - I'd likely just try to get her to sign away her parental rights so that you can legally adopt the kids as your own. I know that the money could come in handy, but as you said - you've gone this long without it. Also, I'm not sure how her source of income would matter - if something is claimed as income on your income tax - that's what they should base your child support off of.

Iridescent - posted on 02/18/2011

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She would have to pay back owed support, but no more current. It's what we'd like to do.

Sneaky - posted on 02/18/2011

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I am not good with legal mine fields (every state is freaking different and I am in the most backwards country of them all!) but I think the best, easiest, quickest way to eliminate any suggestion of losing your twins would be for you to adopt them, but would she still have to pay child support then?

[deleted account]

So this douche bag scoundrel of a woman left her special needs children with a man who isn't even the father? This is her argument to the court? She should have her fallopian tubes yanked and be strangled with them. People like that absolutely disgust me. You are a very strong and courageous person for being able to take on these children.

I have a question and I hope I'm not out of line to ask- just tell me to mind my own business if it is- but if there a genetic link for your children with your husband and his twins to all have special needs? That is alot of children within one family to have these issues. I really feel for you and commend you for stepping up to take care of these little angels that aren't biologically yours. When it comes down to it, biology means nothing. Love means everything. ♥

[deleted account]

I can't say for sure since I've never been close to being in this situation, but I 'think' that if your results turn up that he is NOT bio-dad..... I would drop fighting for child support cuz I wouldn't want to even think of risking losing those kids. Of course, consult w/ a lawyer, but if he isn't bio-dad..... I don't think your chances of keeping the kids are very good if she fights you on it. I HOPE I'm wrong though.

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