Pre-nuptial agreements..

Tah - posted on 12/01/2010 ( 62 moms have responded )

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What do you think about them. So i am watching this show...and about a month before the wedding, he sits his fiancee down and tells her that she needs to sign a pre-nup(am i even spelling this right..lol)anywho..or he will not show up the day of the wedding..He cites the fact that he was married before and she took alot from him..even his snowblower.



Do you agree with them?



Under what circumstances..an age difference, social status..etc?



When should this be brought up?...before marriage is even discussed?..before the engagement or just blindside the person while the plans are in the works??

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Nikki - posted on 12/01/2010

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"Can't be much of a marriage commitment if one wants a pre-nup !" How do you know that A Lorriane? Have you had experience's in other's marriages? how can you make that judgement on other's when you are not in their situation, it really bugs me how you word some of your opinions, you come across as if the rest of us that don't do things your way, we don't love our children or husbands! (yes I am referring to other posts as well!)

Yeah I know inappropriate...flag me if you wish!

I can't believe the Catholic church bans them, really? Well if I had money before I met my husband I would have asked for a pre nup. We are in our marriage for the long haul, that being said you never can predict the future.

[deleted account]

lol Cherri, i hope that isnt a "Wow" of offence but a "wow" of oh i never saw it that way or i agree. loll

i dont mean to offend people, im just passionate about what i believe. and marriage is a subject dear to my heart, along with child raising and faith.

so no offence to anyone who is into the whole pre-nup thing. but personally... aaarrrgghh! lol

Jodi - posted on 12/02/2010

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@ Tah

A pre-nup isn't necessarily about leaving someone with nothing. It means just not allowing them to touch the assets prior to the marriage. Generally during a marriage, you will accrue assets together as well, and you are still entitled to have half of those. Pre-nups can also contain clauses personal to the couple, so that is part of the negotiation process. So you could negotiate a clause allowing for various scenarios.

Petra - posted on 12/02/2010

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They're absolutely practical and harmless. Even in the case where not a lot of money is involved, they make sense. If one person enters the marriage owning a house and the other has nothing, they shouldn't have to forfeit half the value of the house if things go south after a few years. You can not predict the future and things will change - no one sees divorce coming when they get married. Talking about marriage is the perfect opportunity to talk about pre-nups, and I would hope that people at least talk about these things before they actually happen. You have to plan for the unforeseeable - insurance, wills, and yes, pre-nups. Definitely not romantic, but responsible.

A. Lorraine - posted on 12/01/2010

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No, I don't agree with them. Can't be much of a marriage commitment if one wants a pre-nup ! When we made our wedding vows we meant them. Not saying we've never had fights, but we never went into the marriage thinking there might be a chance we would separate. A friend once told us "When you make a covenant of marriage between one another you make a covenant with the Lord." I give 100% to my marriage. Been married for 24 years : )

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Bonnie - posted on 12/04/2010

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Well I guess a pre-nup isn't for me then and good thing I wasn't asked to sign one lol. When you get married you are suppose to feel secure in your relationship. I just feel that if you feel like you need the protection just in case something happens down the road and you have this negativity about it than the relationship probably isn't right to begin with. Not saying it is not right, but there is that chance it is not.

Doreen - posted on 12/04/2010

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Bonnie because it isn't for everyone. Like life is... we don't "have to" anything, we choose right? If it is part of your individual circumstances, don't "box" it or lable it. Look at YOUR situation and analyze it accordingly. A pre nup isn't for everyone but for some people it makes them feel more secure. My rule is, trust your gut! If it feels wrong, it probably is. Question it, turn it inside out and upside down... never be forced to sign ANYTHING! Trust is most important, but you knowwwww some of us fall head of reason for someone and then the sun is blue when you with "him"... :) Personally I wouldn't like someone to ask me to sign one - but if I really have to be honest, with 3 kids I might want to have one signed to protect their interest. SO don't ask me for one, but you better sign one! Can anyone sort out my head!!! I can't find the on button today LOL

Stifler's - posted on 12/03/2010

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It's not because of mistrust it's because of how nasty divorces can get and how much prosecution and negotiation and court orders and crap pre nuptial agreements can save.

Lacye - posted on 12/03/2010

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I think a pre-nup is a wonderful idea! I do believe in love and the sanctity of marriage but you don't know what will happen in the future. You may love this person and in 20 years, he or she could be totally different than what they were. To me it's not about trust, it's about protecting yourself and your kids.

Bonnie - posted on 12/03/2010

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Sherri, if it is just for protection and not stating that there could be mistrust than why wouldn't everyone just get a pre-nup?

Petra - posted on 12/03/2010

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I've gone so far as to discuss co-habitation agreements with a past partner - he was the one with the assets, I was a starving student and I brought it up when he asked me to move in. I do not think it is offensive or indicative of a lack of trust - the longer I live, the more I've seen that people can and do change, and not always for the better. It can't hurt to have safeguards in place for either party.

[deleted account]

You know, I SHOULD be in favor of pre-nups even though I'm not. My ex and I talked about pretty much everything (in premarital counseling we had to).... turns out just about everything he said was a lie though.

[deleted account]

If i were to marry someone with considerable wealth I would not be surprised or offended by a pre nup, I would probably suggest one.

[deleted account]

pre-nups are an absolute joke. they completely dishonour the beauty and covenant that is marriage. If you dont trust your partner, dont marry them. Its simple. Since when did it become a wise thing to force your partner to sign a paper that states your doubt in the marriage lasting... or clearly shows that you have trust issues? So what if you were burned before? learning from it is not taking it out on your new marriage, but choosing your next mate more wisely. I think these sorts of things should be discussed even before ENGAGEMENT. I wouldnt even get engaged to someone without discussing important issues such as child raising preferences, what each person expects from the other in a marriage, what they believe marriage is, financial matters, religious matters and whatever else you can think of.

people are chiming wedding bells because they are "in love" without getting down to the nitty grittys of life. Talk talk talk. thats the key. Not talk as in "whats your favourite colour...blue? wow me too!" "where have you travelled?" "whats your top ten cd's of all time?"... no i mean REAL questions. all that is cute first few month talk. but if your considering marriage, you gotta talk about even the awkward subjects.

the more communication and the more you know about how each other feels about certain issues etc, will really help in your decision to marry.

a prenup should not be slapped in front of a person after the engagement ring has been given. It should be a part of the discussion prior to that. If your surprised that your partner presented you with a prenup and youve set a wedding date, youve jumped into it WAY too fast and should seriously concider backing off and getting to know each other better! But, if you both agree on it and think its a great idea, who am I to judge? but personally, i believe marriage is more than a contract and that trust must be there for it to be successful. I would be offended if i was given a prenup like that. I would never do it to someone.

Nelly - posted on 12/02/2010

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I don't see a problem with pre-nups if its a remarriage or if their are children from a previous relationship

Stifler's - posted on 12/02/2010

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We didn't need a pre-nup as we were both broke when we got together and have both contributed financially to most of the things we have. But people who have built up a business or whatever are entitled to keep that as their new spouse hasn't contributed.

Isobel - posted on 12/02/2010

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ie...if you don't love god you can't love at all :\



or...if you get a prenup, you and your husband don't really love each other.



I do not believe in God, and I assure you I love my children AND my husband(ish type person)...and I (being the broke of the two of us) was the one who wanted a pre-nup...to send a message to all who might wonder if I might be with him for the wrong reason.

Jodi - posted on 12/02/2010

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A Lorraine, that's fine, you are entitled to your opinion, just as everyone else is. However, if it is an unpopular opinion (which evidently, yours is), you need to be prepared to be challenged and debate that opinion. It is a debating forum, that's what we do.

Charlie - posted on 12/02/2010

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A. Lorraine just be aware that this is an international site with women from many cultures and faiths when you spout opinions that assume those who don't believe in your god are somehow less than you or not capable of certain things like love it is extremely offensive , you have every right to express your opinion , just be aware .

Caitlin - posted on 12/02/2010

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You are entitled to your opinion, but you don`t have to put other people down for theirs, saying things that are judgemental are frequently frowned upon and turn threads in the wrong direction. Debating and putting someone down are different things.

A. Lorraine - posted on 12/02/2010

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I don't post meaning to be judgmental, like all the Mom's I am posting my opinion. I'm sorry you don't like it. I just posted my answer to the question. This and any other post. Guess I'll just butt out .....from now on because I might offend some with my own personal opinion. Am I supposed to run it by someone on here first ? I am new to this site.

Caitlin - posted on 12/02/2010

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I see why they are a good idea, but in our province things are a little bit screwy.. Depending on where you are in this country, there are different matrimonial regimes (I did a course on this in university for some reason). In this province, a persons assets before marriage remain their property, even in the event of divorce. And inheritance acquired during the marriage remains the sole property of THAT person, not the spouse, the spouse cannot claim half of an inheritance in the event of a divorce. Of course, to protect the assets prior to marriage, it is wise to catalogue what belongs to who. In the case of things that belong to the family (like family house, car, furniture etc...) that goes into a pool in the event of divorce, because even though my husband owned the house before our marriage, it is our family dwelling so I am entitled to half in the event of divorce.

Though thigns in this province are screwy because there is the case of a couple, not married who were together many years an had chidlren together, and he is a billionaire. Either way, they split and he has to pay for her house, nannies, tutors, cook, chaufeur, private schools plus something insane like 50k/month alimony and child support when they weren't even married.. I have no problem with child support, but she's taken him to court in the name of justice for all unmarried couples and tried to get a 20 million dollar lump sum payment (or more, I don't remember). She was nothign when they got together, and i'm sure if they were married, he would have made her sign a prenuptual agreement, but they were never married because he didn't want to make that commitment to her and he still gets screwed in the end.. Not fair. What sucks even more is this guy started off with nothing, he made his fortune on his own with a great idea and hard work.. either way.. prenuptual agreements work, they are protection "in case" anything happens, if that anything is death, divorce or incapacity, it's important to protect yourself.

I consider it like a condom.. If you know you are both clean and commited, you don't need them but they are always smart, but if your status isn't the same, it's always good to protect yourself from whatever.. I don't have one, neither of us has anything financially..

Bonnie - posted on 12/02/2010

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I truly hope people mean what they say in their vows and aren't just getting married for the sake of getting married.

Tah - posted on 12/02/2010

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So lets say you sign..because you are in love, you are a faithful supportive wife, you have his babies, care for him, his household yourself, put what you want on the back burner for him..then after years, he trades you in...are you supposed to slum it back to the trailer park or projects with the kids in tow....Do you not deserve to maintain the lifestyle you are accustomed to, mansion or rancher...I have heard of pre-nups where the spouse gets nothing, Are there clauses that allow for being cheated on..or all around being a butthole?....i can see them in some cases i guess. I just don't agree with leaving people with nothing unless they really suck...

Doreen - posted on 12/02/2010

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Ooo I just love ladies debating! Especially on topics that is all about "personal" choice. Man, for the one person it doesn't matter and for the other it does. Some people I think just like to plan before they act - others just act and plan as they go. I am from a large family and besides for my step dad I am the only sibling who prefers to plan. It is our different ideas on the "survival techniques" we believe we have to have... and we all different. The point is it doesn't matter to the person next door, if it makes me feel more secure to have pre nup or the person I love, why the hell not. You marrying for love right. Just don't be a douche bag and go in with eyes wide shut. Consider the maybe's and protect you - so you in case of "emergency" can get "you" back on your feet. We don't want to think it but if your partner or you consider it - you got to take it as a "big girl". You wouldn't be getting married if it wasn't right?

Sharon - posted on 12/01/2010

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I wanted a prenup - Whats mine is mine, whats yours is yours and the kids & the cars are mine. Take the rest and go fuck off. lol. That was my attitude back then. Because if we needed to put the pre-nup into effect then he fucked up BIG TIME.

Jodi - posted on 12/01/2010

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And also, in some cases, just remember, families may push for a pre-nup because mum and dad have a lot of money willed to their child. If something happened to them, and it goes to their son/daughter, and then things went south with said son/daughter's marriage, the spouse will be entitled to half of that inheritance, possibly even more, depending on where you live, etc. It's not always a simple, straight-forward matter. Sometimes, it is a sensible option.

Jodi - posted on 12/01/2010

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I think you will find that it isn't the Catholic Church who enforced it, but the Catholics themselves :). There is no way that they would necessarily KNOW unless one of the parties told them.

Stifler's - posted on 12/01/2010

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The Catholic church probably knows because when you get married in a church you have to do marriage counselling and sometimes present your baptism certificate.

Jodi - posted on 12/01/2010

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"Can't be much of a marriage commitment if one wants a pre-nup ! When we made our wedding vows we meant them."



See, I find that quite judgemental of the varied situations in the world. I also meant my marriage vows 100%. Just because we considered a pre-nup, didn't mean we didn't commit ourselves to the marriage. To suggest otherwise is inappropriate. Do you really think people go into their marriages without the same commitment you did? No-one enters a marriage expecting it to dissolve. Unfortunately, however, shit does happen. If you have ever been through a marriage you were committed to only to have it fall apart because of something that couldn't be repaired (after YEARS of effort) perhaps you would be less judgemental about those who know that intentions aside, bad stuff can still happen.

[deleted account]

I think a pre-nup has a time & place, and dependent upon many personal choices. Yes, it is a contract that protects finances and if both people involved agree to it, then it works for them. But to blindside your fiance' and threaten to sign-well it doesn;t sound like much of a committment to me. But in cases where someone wants to protect their assets, why is that such a bad thing? Especially in cases where you're talkng about a HUGE amount of money.

Stifler's - posted on 12/01/2010

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I would sign one I think, as long as it was fair. Not if it said I got nothing if we broke up.

Jodi - posted on 12/01/2010

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But if you wouldn't take what was theirs previously, then what is the harm in signing?

I think a lot of us have been in relationships where we have been burned by the person we trusted. My husband trusted his exes, and both of them ended up leaving him with nothing so he had to start again. I can totally understand why he would want a pre-nup (even though we didn't end up doing it once we went through the process of asset reconciliation).

I think discussing finances and possible pre-nups in certain situations is sensible and practical.

Charlie - posted on 12/01/2010

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It could be said that if you truly love them then signing a pre nup won't matter because you don't intend on breaking up and even if you did you wouldn't take what was theirs previous to their relationship because it was never about money .

Jodi - posted on 12/01/2010

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Tah, it's not that you are thinking you are getting married to be divorced. Put it in the same perspective as you do a will. You do a will because you CAN'T predict the future. I think a pre-nup is the same thing - it is in place because you can never predict the future. It's not that you are EXPECTING the future to go a particular direction, but you know, the hit by a bus tomorrow scenario. Anything can happen in life.



When we considered it, we were only actually thinking of protecting the kids' rights, but I can understand why some people choose this.



Having said that, however, it shouldn't be presented as an ultimatum. I think it should be something that is discussed very early on rather than presented a month before the wedding as an ultimatum. That's pretty rude.

Tah - posted on 12/01/2010

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i just don't know how i feel. I would not be thinking that i was getting married to be divorced..and i know i would not have wanted to be blindsided with it. I don't think that people who don't want to sign have other motives, maybe they want to believe in happliy ever after....or they don't want to start a life together thinking about the end of a life together...

[deleted account]

I agree with Joy. Refusing to sign one to me says you may have motivation other then love. Many wealthy people are deceived by "gold diggers" all the time and get a broken heart along with a lighter bank account because someone can act really well.

Jodi - posted on 12/01/2010

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I am in a second marriage, and each of us went into the marriage with our own children. So my husband and I did discuss it, because obviously, we wanted to ensure that if anything were to happen (including the death of one person), that assets were protected. Pre-nups and wills were both talked about at length.



In the end, we decided NOT to do a pre-nup because our assets (including our houses, cars, savings, etc) were of very similar value. If anything, I probably had a little more.



Our consideration of a pre-nup was not necessarily about trust. But both of us having been through broken relationships before just wanted to make sure our children were all protected in the even that things didn't work out. The divorce rate on second marriages is somewhere around 60% and a lot of that has to do with the difficulties in blending a family. We were just being practical in talking about it.

[deleted account]

I would never sign a pre-nup BECAUSE of love actually. If any man would not know and trust me enough to know that I mean it when I say 'I do'.... then they aren't someone I SHOULD trust enough to say 'I do' to... I can't speak for anyone other than myself, but I would find the lack of trust incredibly insulting. Though that is also why I'll never marry again either... no trust.

Stifler's - posted on 12/01/2010

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if there are kids from a previous marriage they're a good idea. especially if the wealthy one dies and the wife takes all the money and assets and gives the furniture to her children and doesn't leave any money in their will to the children of the previous marriage. Which is what happened to my husband, so he sued her and got $25 000 instead of $100 000. BOO!

[deleted account]

I think no matter what your financial status is, it's really just a personal choice. I can understand why wealthy people do it though. The way marriage statistics run these days, if I were wealthy I'd want to cover my ass(ets) too lol And I definitely think it's a topic that needs to be discussed shortly after the subject of marriage comes up. Most people today talk about getting married before they do it. I know of only a very few people who were surprised by their boyfriend's proposal. Most people talk about it for awhile before getting engaged so I think as soon as the topic comes up as a possibility (of marriage) that's when to talk about prenups.



Edited to add: I also think that if two people truly love each other, then signing a prenup shouldn't be a big deal. For someone to not sign a prenup just says (to me) that love isn't the main reason they're marrying anyhow.

[deleted account]

I would never agree to sign a pre-nup. When I make that commitment... I make it for life. Yes, I'm aware that I'm divorced and I'm grateful for that now. I still disagree w/ the concept of a pre-nup. If you don't trust someone enough to marry them w/out one.... marrying them probably isn't a good idea.

Amanda - posted on 12/01/2010

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i don't have a problem with pre-nups, IF my hubby presented me with one prior to our marriage (haha we were 21 straight outta college, neither of us had squat! but IF he was loaded....) I wouldn't be offended because i planned on spending my life with him and i also understand that sometimes feelings change, people change, and divorce happens a rich person would be crazy not to protect thier asses (i mean assets). if someone is offended signing one, then maybe there are feelings of uncertainty toward the relationship on thier part.

Charlie - posted on 12/01/2010

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So if you met your partner late in life worked your ass off to have some money and property intended for previous children you wouldn't want to protect it from being taken from them ?

Bonnie - posted on 12/01/2010

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I agree with Mary. If you need a pre-nup than you shouldn't be getting married. To each their own really, but when you get married, marriage is suppose to be for better or worse and you are together in everything you do and that may come along over the years. To be thinking when planning a wedding that maybe we should get a pre-nup, to me is going too far.

ME - posted on 12/01/2010

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My bro-in-laws family tried to do that to my baby sister over the summer...Luckily for the two of them, the Catholic Church does NOT ALLOW prenups, and the inlaws were forced to throw it out...I think they are ridiculous...if you need a prenup, you shouldn't be getting married!

Hannah - posted on 12/01/2010

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I absolutely think that if there is a large amount of assests a pre-nuptial should be signed. Men and women have been taken through the ringer all in the name of love. You can't trust anyone and as someone said earlier, 50% of marriages end in divorce.

Charlie - posted on 12/01/2010

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Yes I absolutely agree with him , he needs to protect his assets .

The only time people need them IMO is when one partner has a significant amount of earnings , property or assets owned previous to the relationship .

Rosie - posted on 12/01/2010

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i don't see why normal people need one, now if you have alot of assets then i don't see the problem. they do weird me out though, and i do admit i would be a little irked if my husband was rich (sigh, where's my sugar daddy??) and wanted me to sign one. i probably would though because i do understand it.

Doreen - posted on 12/01/2010

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Yes I think it's very important to discuss pre-naps when you thinking about spending your life with someone. Before the "proposal". It is very hard to bring these things up when you are inlove and things are great. Every situation and every couples chemistry is quiet unique. If you marrying for love and your partner happens to be wealthy and worked hard to acquire "their" financial status. Why not grant them that security? You not marrying to get divorced right. I think you should embrace but don't be a goof ball make sure you are protected when it does go south. It is difficult to forsee the end when it is only the start, so ask for a few days to think about it and go consult someone and speak to your "real" friends so you can protect yourself in case and discuss the possibilities that you might not forsee now.
The truth is our lives don't run the way we plan, sadly.

Sara - posted on 12/01/2010

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I had to get my husband to sign one to protect my pre-marital assets. I had to make sure he wasn't just marrying me for my money!

I can understand why people like Donald Trump get a pre-nup. If you've amassed huge amounts of wealth before you meet your spouse, you have to protect yourself. It's not romantic, but it's life. In a world where half of marriages end in divorce, I can't say I blame someone for wanting one to protect themselves. Having said that, I see no reason why an average person of modest income needs one.

Isobel - posted on 12/01/2010

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I think they are smart if you have any property that you want to make sure remains yours no matter what happens, and I would have ABSOLUTELY no problem signing one. I wouldn't want anybody ever to be able to question my motives to marrying the man that I love :)

Amanda - posted on 12/01/2010

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I really only think rich people beleive in these things. It's actually crappy that people need to claim their things before marriage if they are plannig to marry someone in the first place. I mean if you are marrying someone wouldn't you want it to be forever anyway? If you have any doubt about the other person taking things from you than you probably shouldn't be marrying them. I think it should be brought up maybe right before the engagement. In a conversation about the other persons opinion about it, but I honestly wouldn't agree to one. I mean I'm not marrying someone for their belongings or for their money. I'm marrying them because I love them. But that's my opinion!

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