Quick question...

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Sherri - posted on 10/14/2011

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Walk away and never see him again. 100% deal breaker for me.



@Dyan call the police for what??

Sal - posted on 10/13/2011

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i always had a friend call about an hour into a date so i had an out if i wanted.....and now i see the brilliance of that clause

Jane - posted on 10/13/2011

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I would probably do what I did when I discovered a man I had dated twice was a) married and b) a participant in a murder in another town but one who had never been arrested. I found reasons never to go out with him again and never to be alone with him again. I had nothing that would stand up in court so I couldn't turn him in, but I could advise women who liked him that he was married even though he had said nothing.

I am sorry but violence towards women is something that is very hard to stop, and having dealt with government employees who insist that things like sexual abuse "goes away" and people have changed when they haven't, I can't trust placing my life into someone's control who has a history of this sort of thing.

I must commend this man's wife for visiting him in prison in order to find out why he did what he did, since he seemed to have had so much good going for him. But then, I live with a bipolar child who will do terrible things to others again an again, and who never seems to be able to figure out why he does these things since no one benefits, including himself. In fact, right now he is angry because he threw his breakfast at me and called me names this morning so I told him that his xBox would go away and he got home from school to find out that it did. He says it isn't fair. But is it fair that I have to dig scrambled eggs out of the upholstery or be called bad names?

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Brittany - posted on 10/14/2011

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This woman is saying :

"I had no idea my convicted killer husband would hurt me. I am his wife why would he do this to me?"

Oh lady I do not know, BECAUSE HE IS A CONVICTED KILLER?

[deleted account]

i would not go out on a second date with him. considering this guy was 18, i wouldn't chalk it up to adolescent rage.

Carolee - posted on 10/13/2011

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I would bluntly tell the guy that there's no future for us as a couple. I would thank him for his honesty, and let him know that I'm willing to be friends, but it will never go past that.

I believe that people WANT to change. I don't believe that they can truly change, though. Yes, people can have life experiences that can (and often will) make them more consious of their decisions, but base desires don't often change, especially when dealing with anything violent or sexual.

Nicole - posted on 10/13/2011

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Thank you, Brittany.



To all, I did end up reading my post and I hope it doesn't sound like I was trivializing domestic abuse victims because of my husband's bad experience. It's a catch 22, because I want every police officer, judge, attorney, etc. to take someone seeking their help against abuse seriously, but sadly, there are some people who abuse that system. And the real victims shouldn't suffer because there are some bad eggs out there that make false claims, so it is important that every report of abuse be taken seriously.



Now... back on topic... I think, even with my husband's experience, that an arrest for a violent crime in the past is a red flag, and someone seeking a relationship, should proceed with much caution or not at all. ESPECIALLY IF that person admits that they "snapped." Or something like that. It may indicate a lack for self control while angry and that can be very dangerous without true rehabilitation.

Brittany - posted on 10/13/2011

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Honestly, I do not know what I would do.

Nicole, I read your story and yes that does happen. Often men or woman are falsely accused of crimes because, of a whacked partner. I am glad things are working for you both, congrats.

To be honest, I really have no idea what I would do. I think I would be in so much shock I would not know what to say,

Nicole - posted on 10/13/2011

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I'm not blaming this woman, Shannon, for her husband's actions, but I truly believe that she is not being honest with herself. "...but the fact is, there were no signs..." Really?! No signs? None???? Wouldn't his past conviction be a sign? I'm not saying that it's a deal breaker in a relationship, because, as she said, people do deserve second chances when they earn them, but *it IS* a "sign."

I am married to a man who has been convicted of domestic abuse (considered a violent crime) and I knew that going into the relationship. He told me what had happened and that it was a mistake (will explain in a minute). I CHOSE to IGNORE that charge as a "sign" and married him anyway, because I believed what he said and, other than the previous charge, he did not show any signs of violence. Now, IF he turned out to be abusive, I would of had to have been honest with myself and say "well, there was a sign and I chose to ignore it." I wouldn't have been able to "blame" myself for his actions, but I would have to learn from my mistake, right? I think she should be honest and say that to herself and move on.

Lucky for me, my husband was truthful about not being violent (at least as far as 10 years with the man has told me) and that his ex-wife called the police in a fit of rage after he packed his things and told her he was leaving her and claimed that he had hit her. There was no physical proof of what she claimed (I've seen the police reports) and she even recanted her story in court, but the judge told her that if he allowed every abusive spouse go free due to the abused spouse's recantation, hardly any abusers would be charged. He said it was due to the "battered spouse syndrome." Anyway, she has, in the fifteen years following that incidence, been arrested for a violent crime herself, while my husband has not been arrested for anything since and, as his wife of 10 years, has NEVER been violent with myself or our children. And, in my opinion, of stories that I've heard from my husband AND his friends, he was actually the abused spouse. He wasn't allowed to have friends, she threatened his friends to the point that they wouldn't come around, she called his boss at work and told his boss that he couldn't work there anymore because part of his job was to IM other employees (most importantly to her, the other female ones), etc. Even the night that she called the police, as he was walking out, she said "no one leaves me and I'll show you", then proceeded to cry frantically when the 911 operator got on the phone. She even called him after the judge ordered him to stay at least 1000 feet away from her due to the charges, and begged him to come over and have sex with her one last time in hopes of getting pregnant just so she "would have one last thing" of his. She was curazeee!!!

Anyway, long story, but I just wanted to point out that, as someone who ignored "a sign" about a potential mate, this woman is fooling herself. Luckily for me, my ignorance turned out better than hers....

Rosie - posted on 10/13/2011

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the link doesn't work for me. but if it happened to me, i'd run, fast, and then call the police.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 10/13/2011

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Leave. Not sure why anyone in their right mind would stay.

Lady Heather - posted on 10/13/2011

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Jane - did you look at the photo spread? She says she went to visit him to find out why he did it, but then there's a pic of them in the prison meeting area all smiles. It's freaking creepy. I don't care how much good you see in the dude, you do not pose for smiley pics with a confessed rapist in prison. Just...wtf. Man, I feel bad for the victims.

Jane - posted on 10/13/2011

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Another clue that it is time to walk away is if you have pets and they don't like the guy. They often sense things that others don't.

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