RSVP?

Nicole - posted on 01/20/2011 ( 70 moms have responded )

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So I sent out birthday party invitations, with rsvp and my contact info. I received no responses.

When you see rsvp on an invitation, do you respond to let the person know if you are coming or not?

Is it that people don't know what RSVP stands for? Is there a new way of saying the same thing that people these days will understand?

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Jenn - posted on 01/21/2011

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I ALWAYS reply if it says RSVP - it means "répondez s'il vous plaît" or "reply please". I'm kind of shocked that some of you feel like if you are not going to attend that you don't bother to call - they want a response either way or they wouldn't have asked for an RSVP. I mean, seriously, how fucking hard is it to pick up the phone and push those buttons? OMG - the agony - I had to dial a phone today - I think I need a nap.

[deleted account]

Around here most people say, "RSVP Regrets". Meaning, if you aren't coming then you need to RSVP. If you don't RSVP, it's assumed you will be attending the event.

[deleted account]

Jenn, My mother has very similar anxiety to what Teresa described and she has trouble with phones but to go out she is ok. Why would you leave someone out just because they don't feel comfortable in that situation. Lets make them feel even better about social events by excluding them.

Jenn - posted on 01/21/2011

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Teresa - if you have social anxiety that bad that you can't dial a phone, why would anyone think to invite you something in the first place? Clearly you wouldn't be able to attend anyway. If you can't dial a phone, how would you go to a social event? I'm not trying to be rude at all - but seriously - if you were my friend and I knew that's how you were, I wouldn't put you in that position and invite you at all.

Jodi - posted on 01/21/2011

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Lindsay has a good point. I've always assumed that not RSVPing means they aren't coming. I didn't realise that for some, they assume everyone is coming unless they say otherwise. I've always done it the other way. I used to organise events, too, where we often invited guests free of charge, and we never assumed someone was coming if we didn't hear from them, we assumed they weren't (although generally we followed up).

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70 Comments

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Tracie - posted on 11/05/2012

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ALWAYS rsvp. The person went to the trouble to invite you, take 30 seconds to let them know if you're coming or not. This is very basic manners. Don't know what to say about people who are too self involved to respond to such a simple request.



That said, this happens to me every time I plan a party. People rsvp late, not at all or say they are coming and then don't show without a courtesy call to let me know they can't make it. Absolutely horrid manners and if I ever did something like this my mother would disown me.



I had a bday party for my daughter one year with an rsvp date one week before so I could order the right size cake, get all the goody bag stuff, prizes, etc. TEN people didn't rsvp until the day before!! But it gets better - EIGHT of them didn't show up!! After I'd made a frenzied last minute trip to get more goody bag stuff and prizes and change the size of the cake. SO RUDE!!!

Petra - posted on 11/05/2012

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I try to reply as soon as my kids come home with an invitation and then write it on my calendar. As a Mom myself, I understand that there is a bunch of planning and stress involved. I don't know if people just don't care or they forget.

[deleted account]

I always RSVP. I only had 1 person RSVP to my daughters party. Luckily I had everyones phone number and was able to call them to see if anyone was coming.

Stifler's - posted on 01/24/2011

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I can't believe there are people who let people in to their wedding if they didn't RSVP! I would have told them where to go lololol

Cat - posted on 01/24/2011

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I always let the person know if we're coming or not. I think it's very rude not to respond. I've had people not RSVP and then show up to the party. Luckily though I always gave extra food and party favors.

[deleted account]

I think it all depends a the event. For a party, like a birthday, or a shower, I would respond only if I was going. For a wedding I respond either way. Too many people didn't respond to my wedding invites I had a few people show up that we figured weren't. Luckily some people who said they were coming didn't so we had room.

April - posted on 01/23/2011

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I sent out RSVP's with my wedding, received like 3 back, I knew about 50 of them would for sure show up but went ahead and assumed about 100 of them were coming and set everything up as that. About 180 people showed up and lets just say they didn't see a wedding that day. I was pissed and when they wanted to argue it I had nothing to say to them.

Learned my lesson and found out facebook, text and email works a hell of alot better

Jane - posted on 01/23/2011

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I always RSVP even if it doesn't say it. It just plain ole polite to do so!!!

Nicole - posted on 01/23/2011

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So the birthday party was a success. None of the people from my daughters daycare showed up, but her other friends, my friends and family did show up. The room was so well set up, that even though it took us a long time to get ourselves organized and into the pool, the kids had a wonderful time playing while we did so. The kids had a great time swimming, then everyone came out and enjoyed the snacks.

The kids had to eat all of their fruits and veggies before they could get their cupcake. I went with mini cupcakes which were super yummy.

Madeleine got some wonderful birthday gifts and cards. One card was a work of art.

Despite my feeling stressed about the rsvp, this was the least stressful birthday party I have hosted so far!

Just wanted to share that.

As soon as the party finished, I put my little girl in her stroller and she fell right asleep. The adults went back to my place and we had coffee and talked while the older kids played and my princess had a nap.

Jessica - posted on 01/23/2011

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this exact same thing happened to a girlfriend of mine, 5-6 invites did not respond! she tracked down all the phone numbers and called 2 days prior to the party and they all confirmed.
Not rsvp is RUDE~! always reply even if ur not going

Jenn - posted on 01/22/2011

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Sorry - I didn't mean to make that sound as horrible as it did. Obviously if you were my friend, I would know what you are like and if you were able to come to an event or if it would be too much for you to handle. I think in a case like yours, a friend would have to use their better judgement on an individual basis. It's not like I wouldn't invite you because you can't RSVP, I meant that if you have major social anxiety to the point that you don't go out, then why would I make you feel awkward by inviting you.

[deleted account]

Well, Jenn.... thankfully I have a few friends that have known me for 7-20 years that know exactly how I am and DO invite me to things cuz they love me anyway. I see them enough in person at church, Facebook, or text w/ them enough though that making a phone call is hardly ever required.

Stifler's - posted on 01/21/2011

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In Women's Weekly Australia there was a column called Modern Manners with Ita Buttrose, I used to love reading it. But times have changed apparently and etiquette is so often not followed that you just have to make up different rules.

Stifler's - posted on 01/21/2011

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I agree Joy you bothered to invite them and were willing to cater for them the least they can do is reply to the invite.

[deleted account]

A little late to the convo but, I always RSVP, whether I'm going or not. And if I'm throwing a party or dinner? A day or two before, you bet your butt I'm on the phone calling every single one of the ones I haven't heard from to find out what's up. Aside from me thinking it's just not good manners to not RSVP one way or the other, I look at it like this. Whoever invited me to whatever, took the time to mail me an invitation. The least I can do is pick up a phone and call (which is an option on most RSVP's) or check a box (yes or no) and stick it back in the mail. Maybe I'm old fashioned but at least it's nice to see I'm not alone in thinking it's just plain common sense good manners to reply either way. Like someone said earlier, it's "Respondez S'il Vous Plait" which means "reply please". Doesn't mean "reply only if you're coming". I'm old. Miss Manners would be sorely disappointed in some of the answers here.....and I say that as a joke....a poke at myself and anyone else who remembers Miss Manners. And Dear Abby. LOL

Nicole - posted on 01/21/2011

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I really like the idea of having a: If you are attending RSVP by this date.



I think I'll try that next time.

Stifler's - posted on 01/21/2011

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I rang everyone I'd sent invites to to ask whether they were coming or not to finalise the guest list. Coz I am a control freak like that.

Bonnie - posted on 01/21/2011

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For me, RSVP means respond either way. If I don't hear from you then I think either you lost the invite or it is undecided whether or not you will be coming.

[deleted account]

Glad to know my extreme social anxiety makes me a rude bastard.....

I don't even pick up the phone to call my best friend unless I have no other choice, so it actually IS that difficult for some people. Include an email address (as Nicole did) and I would most likely RSVP.... assuming I got the invite and didn't lose it, of course.

Jodi - posted on 01/21/2011

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I always RSVP. My sister just threw me a baby shower/diaper party, over 70 people were invited (I know, she went over board, but it was both my sides of the family and both of my hubbies sides and all 4 sides are quite large) Anyways, only 2 ppl RSVP'd...37 people showed up. We had made enough food so that we could feed half of the people invited OR have tons of left overs for once my babies come...thank goodness, there was hardly a crumb left!

Invited about 500 ppl to our wedding, got MAYBE 20 RSVP's, 300-ish people showed up. Next time I have to send out invites and need an RSVP, there will be a warning at the bottom along the effects of ONLY enough food/supplies will be provided for those that had the courtesy to RSVP.

[deleted account]

I think it is beyond rude NOT to RSVP. I do the same thing. I send out invites and yes I expect a response. I have had times where no one RSVP'd and then over half of them showed up. I have started putting a warning in smaller print just below it that says if you do not RSVP then do not expect there to be food or party favors for you.

Kim - posted on 01/21/2011

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Now a days it seems that people don't bother. Quite rude imo. I usually tell people to RSVP a few days before I need to know then call the rude ones to make sure. I actually had people figure out it was going to rain on my daughter's party date so they called the day before to say they were coming. One actually e-mailed me a few hrs before to say they were coming!! Gaah One year I did CEC and did their invites and when people didn't respond I didn't know if they got them and I was sending regular invites and trying to call them to give them a head's up. I really needed to know how many, then I ended up paying for 2 who didn't bother to show up! People are just getting ruder and ruder every year!

Lady Heather - posted on 01/21/2011

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I always do whether I'm going or not. I generally make my invites with a reply-by date so that after that if you haven't replied then you just plain aren't coming.

[deleted account]

I assume people are coming if I get no RSVP because I would rather over cater than not and most people I know would let me know if they wasn't coming but can be a little lapse if they know they are (my friends can be odd sometimes lol).

Bonnie - posted on 01/21/2011

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I think people should learn to respond either way. It's common courtesy. That's why the phone number or email address is there, to respond either way.

Stifler's - posted on 01/21/2011

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I hate people lol I wonder where some of them learnt manners sometimes. I was kind of upset that people didn't RSVP to my wedding but yeah just assumed if they couldn't be bothered to RSVP they couldn't be bothered to come.

Lindsay - posted on 01/21/2011

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But see that's why I think always responding is important. Like Sara said earlier, I have seen many people have RSVP regrets only. Some people assume not RSVPing means you'll be there, others think the opposite. It's confusing and disrespectful plain and simple. It doesn't hurt anyone to pick up the phone and RSVP.

Jenn - posted on 01/21/2011

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The same type of rude bastard that can't be bothered to RSVP when they can't make it.

Stifler's - posted on 01/21/2011

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I assume they aren't coming. What kind of rude bastard doesn't call to accept your invite then turns up to your party?

Jenn - posted on 01/21/2011

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But if they don't RSVP, how would you know if they're coming or not, so how would you know what to expect?

Stifler's - posted on 01/21/2011

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I always RSVP I just don't expect others to if they're not coming.

Stifler's - posted on 01/21/2011

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I just waited until the RSVP date, anyone who didn't if I actually cared I called them to see and anyone I didn't care that much got cut off the list and would have been told to fuck off if they turned up. HAHAHA.

Nicole - posted on 01/21/2011

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Now that I think about it a bit, I think perhaps you are saying what I am thinking. In my particular instance there is not much I can do apart from prepare as best as I can.

I was not reacting to the concept, just the wording.

I was not seeking a solution for myself, the party (which has caused me a bit of stress because I am a control freak) has made me curious about hwo other people view RSVP and if there is an alternative way of saying this that gets more responses,

Nicole - posted on 01/21/2011

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As I said, "suck it up" was neither compassionate nor sympathetic. It got me on the defensive.



Also I did thank you for your advice.



As for wailing and crying, I have no need to do either. As I said before, I was simply wondering what was currently being followed in regards to RSVP.

Sharon - posted on 01/21/2011

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Geezus Nicole - get over yourself. What i meant was you'll have to suck it up this time because there is nothing you can do.

What do you want? Permission to wail and cry and throw a hissy fit and have a complete and total breakdown because the shitheads you invited lack common decency?

I posted a couple of very sympathetic posts and was trying to help you get over your anxiety by pointing out that you have no options now - that I can see.

ah and I did complain about all the birthday parties other people screwed me over on, LOUDLY. I probably did it here.

Nicole - posted on 01/21/2011

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"I know its stressing you out Nicole but this is one of those times you're gonna have suck it up."



Really? I should suck it up because other people have experienced it too? I should suck it up because you didn't complain about your daughters birthday party?



As for confronting the parents at the daycare, they all come and go at different times, and I have better things to do with my time. ( I am a full time student, I have two kids, I am learning to drive and I am in the middle of a move)



I sounds to me like you are trying to be reassuring, and remind me not to stress myself out unnecessarily. (in life, suffering is optional) Thank you. That is good advice.



Starting the reasurance with the words, "suck it up" puts me on the defensive.



The reason I posted this was not because I am pacing the halls about this, or because I need a shoulder to cry on. I posted this as a debate to find out if RSVP is outdated.

Sharon - posted on 01/21/2011

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I know its stressing you out Nicole but this is one of those times you're gonna have suck it up.

its friday? any chance you can drop by the day care to pickup a "forgotten" item and maybe catch some of the parents?

This is one thing ALL of us bitch about when we plan a detailed party.

Its happened to most of us "btdt" moms. 3 kids & 34 ? birthday parties later I've got this figured out. I still get caught out. But I've let go of the stressing.

I wonder if I ever posted here about my daughters' b-day party at the movie theatre... god that was a nightmare. that was a very structured party as I couldn't get the movie theater to hold up the show, right? whoever was there on time, I bought their tickets, whoever wasn't... well... my heart breaks for them but it was out of my control.

Hang in there hun... this is just a blip in the roadmap of life..

Or be honest... go to the daycare - tell the parents - I'm sorry to catch you here but I need to buy -- in advance and I need to know how many kids are coming... will you be there?

[deleted account]

I hosted a Christmas party and sent out invites. Then I created a facebook event. On the event page as made it clear that I needed to know who would be there. I got more rsvp's that way. I always make more food than I think I'll need, so it's no biggie if someone shows unexpectedly. But it is nice to have a head count beforehand...especially if you are holding the event at a venue and pay by the person.

Joanna - posted on 01/21/2011

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I always RSVP. What's even worse to me though is if someone RSVPs yes and then doesn't show and doesn't let you know they aren't coming.

Celeste - posted on 01/21/2011

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I agree with the majority, I feel it's rude not to RSVP. I always include my ph# and my email. Text, call, email, FB me, I don't care. Just let me know if you'll be there or not!

It's frustrating because I need to know how much food to get, or sometimes, there's a limit on guests I'm allowed to have (for example, a birthday party over so many kids, a venue will charge extra for those extra kids)

Nicole - posted on 01/21/2011

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I included an email address on the invitations. They didn't have to call.

Not knowing who will be there or who won't is really stressful for me as I tend to be a bit of a control freak. I hate changes in routine and I hate not having information I need to make things run an smoothly as possible.

Bonnie - posted on 01/21/2011

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I always RSVP, that is why the information is there. I hate when people do that to me, it's disrespectful. For my wedding, we were running after people a couple of weeks before. There was actually a number of people that said they were coming and then didn't show up so we had like 8-10 extra dinners. Somehow 8 people from one table didn't show up....odd.

Lindsay - posted on 01/21/2011

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I always RSVP and it's an absolute pet peeve of mine when people just ignore it. If you're attending, call and say you'll be there. If you're not, call and say you won't be there. If you are unsure of whether you can attend or not but are trying to, call and let them know that it's still up in the air. It's not a difficult concept.

We are sending out invites for my daughter's birthday party as soon as I can get the rest of the address for a couple of kids at school. I hope to have them mailed out by tomorrow the 22nd. Her party is on Feb.6th. On the invites, I wrote "Please RSVP by Wed., Feb. 2," along with my home phone, cell phone and email address. I really hope all these parents have the common sense enough to RSVP. We are renting a gymnast studio for the party and we pay by the number fo children in advance. So if someone doesn't RSVP, they will be turned away at the door. Time will tell if the parents follow through or not.

Tara - posted on 01/21/2011

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I always RSVP whether I'm going or not.
I think it's rude when you ask for an RSVP and don't get one, it's even ruder when those who don't reply show up anyways.
I had two parties over the holiday season, sent out invites, got a 6 confirmed guests, 5 unconfirmed. Of the six who did say they were coming only 3 made it, of the five who didn't confirm all made it. So I still had enough food etc. but it ticked me off that some said they would come and then didn't and didn't call to cancel, and some who didn't reply at all, show up expecting food!!
I even put on the invites that I needed to know how many for food reasons...
Sheesh...
Not as big of a deal when its an adult party, but kids? Come on, that's not fair to the birthday girl/boy.
My birthday is 4 days before Christmas, when I was little people wouldn't RSVP even though we switched my celebration to the 12th of Dec. and there were two years in a row, I had no one show up on my birthday, apparently they had RSVP'ed and just didn't show up.
Not fair to little ones.

Krista - posted on 01/21/2011

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I absolutely RSVP, whether I'm going or not. I think it is the height of rudeness to not do so, particularly if food/drinks are being served, because otherwise, how does the host know how much to buy?

~♥Little Miss - posted on 01/21/2011

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It is rude nor to respond, but I think people just forget. I like the idea people have about putting your e mail address, or telephone number with a specific instruction telling to rsvp through text or e mail. No matter how easy you make it for people, many will not rsvp, especially people who think that it is obvious they are gonna go.....like family.

[deleted account]

I RSVP, if I'm going or not because it does make it easier for the host to plan food and what not. It annoys me when people don't RSVP because I then have to assume they are coming and cater for them just in case they turn up (although if it was for a sit down meal if you don't RSVP tough luck you don't eat).

There has only been once I have RSVP'd yes and then not gone and that was to my cousins suprise 18th a couple of months ago, I went to the toilet just before we was about to walk out the door (all dressed up and ready to go) and found I started bleeding quite heavily (I was pregnant) and with the tummy pain I had we felt it would be better to go to the doctors rather than the party (it ended up with me on bed rest boo) but my auntie, uncle and cousin completely understood why we wasn't there.

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