SAHMs don't need help from fathers?

Rosie - posted on 10/01/2010 ( 121 moms have responded )

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at work today it came to my attention that my new boss and his wife have it all planned out that since she is not working, that she will be the one waking up with the baby during the night (she's about 4 months along). i blurted out, "you did not just say that!!" thinking he was joking. he looked at me and said "no, we have it all figured out. the reason why i took this job was so that she didn't have to work, and in turn she will be the one doing all the duties during the night. she was even the one that brought it up, not me." i said, "oh, ok" and left it at that. when i really wanted to scream are you fucking crazy???? your wife carries a baby for 9 months, then goes through pushing out a 7 lb child, and you don't think she's gonna want a little bit of help during the night??? you're in for a harsh lesson when the time comes buddy.



then i realized how judgemental i was being, and wondered if this was the norm for SAHM. i understand this attitude to an extent. what i don't get is not helping someone out after they just had a child, and they are mostly healed. like 3-4 weeks minimum. after that, helping out on your days off, or something would be also something that i believe would be in the best interest of everybody. am i way off base, or does this happen more than i think?

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Charlie - posted on 10/05/2010

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I think its a load of shit that the man goes to work and we should be expected to work around the clock twety four seven .

Any man worth his salt should help around the house when needed , should see when his woman is exhausted and offer to take the kids while she gets some respite , if im cooking hes doing the dishes , if im bathing the kids he is dressing them while i pack away the bath stuff , if he sleeps in one morning i get the next morning .

WE made a decision to have a family TOGETHER , we decided together that someone should stay home with the children and although he wanted to be a stay at home dad he earns more so it made sense , yes he goes to work but the money in the bank is OURS , we both earn it , it is for our family , who says being a SAHM means being a martyr , being a supermum , why should we be expected to do EVERYTHING and the man can go to work do his shift and then put his feet up until bed time where he can sleep the whole night through ?

I am very happy to have the luxury of being a stay at home mum , i work my ass off , i dont complain because i love it , the support i recieve from Jamie allows me to get to the gym , get some sleep , all of which helps my health and well being which in turn means a happy family and in turn i give him the opportunity to do what he wants , i will NEVER understand SAHM who whinge and complain about hard it is and yet THEY WILL NOT ASK FOR HELP ( although i dont think you should have to )

"My boyfriend gets up at 430AM everyday and goes to work and gets back at 630PM. I don't really think it's fair to expect him to get up to our kid during the night to be honest."

Sorry but a 13 hour shift doesnt compare to a 24 hour shift 7 days a week , i dont know about you but i am up nursing , changing nappies settling all through the night and with a teething toddler there is little time for sleep .

Charlie - posted on 10/05/2010

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It;s not about demanding Kimberly , for most of us we DO do the majority of household chores , take care of the kids night and day its about the husband WANTING to take on his share of the responsibilty , yes it makes a huge difference in how many children you have and how close together they are .
I breastfeed around the clock , i do it because i enjoy it however it is the fact that he offers to do so(bottle feed expressed milk ) , he occasionally will get up and make me a cup of tea , its about being thoughtful .

Congratulations at acheiving supermum status ! for you to say "Maybe those moms should go to a paying job and let the dads stay home, I know plenty of men that would LOVE that."
Is incredibly offensive , are you implying being a mother , a nurse , a cook , a cheerleader , a cleaner , a food producing unit , a negotiator , a teacher , an accountant , an entertainer ECT is not a job simply because we do not get paid ?
What a complete backhander to women and motherhood , way to diminsh one the most important jobs in the world !

This thread reeks of 1950's male dominated bullshit .

Again no one demands a man do anything just as a man should never demand anything of a woman its about your partner doing whats right and being a MAN sharing his load of responsability without being asked , i will not bend to think a mans only job is to "bring home the bacon " and a womans job is EVERYTHING else .

If how you as a couple works for you then great , i am genuinely pleased for you but please spare us the flippant comments .

Tara - posted on 10/05/2010

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hmmm... after reading several of the replies I am going to hazard a guess that most women here have young kids or just one kid.
In our house it is not mens/womens work. It is work that needs doing. So regardless of sex everyone helps to keep the house in order. We are a team. My hubby works for himself so he sets his schedule. He did get up in the night with our baby and I in the beginning even though we co-sleep and other than rolling over I didn't do anything except latch him on (how lazy of me, lol ;)
But he would wake up and see if he needed to be changed, handle that, change his jammies if needed and then watch me nurse him and go in for the burp the second Riley started to fuss.
When he is home he cleans, he cooks, he bathes, he reads stories, he does laundry etc. when I am hom, I clean, cook, bathe, read, and do laundry etc. But all the kids have chores to help keep the house running smoothly. With 7 people living in it, 3 dogs and 2 cats it's a big place that clutters up easily. But it's not just our job, it's the kids darn mess for the most part so they do a lot of cleaning up after themselves and their younger siblings. Meal planning and cooking is usually a joint effort.
Sahm and working dads should share the responsibilities of managing a home and family.

[deleted account]

I actually agree with Sherri. If my hubby doesn't get his rest he could seriously get hurt on his job (he's an independent painting contractor and specializes on old victorian houses that are 3 or more stores tall - meaning he's up in a ladder for a large portion of the day). I am FINE with doing all the night stuff so he can be rested and do his job without getting hurt.

He's supporting our family financially, so I am more than happy to do the night time stuff. He watches the kids when he gets home (around 3 or 4 every day) so I can have some "me time" and then I do nights. We take turns cooking dinner and we also have our "pink" and "blue" jobs (I love that description!).

I can see where this may not be the case for some families, but it works for my family (and for Sherri's family as well) and I think we should be able to voice what works for us without our husbands being called "selfish" and our situations being called "unfair" to us. I feel our situation is VERY fair. My hubby works his butt off so I can stay home. I appreciate that more than I could ever express and for that alone I am more than happy to wake up at night.

Oh, and we have 3 kids, and the last 2 are 16 months apart. I get everything done AND I get enough rest (even now that the baby is teething and waking up more than usual). When ou HAVE to find time to catch a quick nap, you will. It's as easy as that, at least it is for me...

JuLeah - posted on 10/04/2010

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Sadly, I too have seen this from women and men. "I work all day and you stay home, so why can't you get up at night?"

There is soooo much wrong with that, I am not sure where to start, but yes, women go along and the guy, who has his cake and gets to eat it, won't change things. Who will vote themselves out of office?

I knew a woman who got up all night with the baby, got up at 4:30 to make hubby breakfast and luch to send with him, stayed up as she had to get her older children off to school, and was home with the baby all day. The older kids came home after school and she would help with homework, drive them to games, make dinner .... all day, of course, she had been washing clothes, shopping for food, cleaning the house ..... and when I asked her, she said, "But, I am the wife"

So, hubby, who did get up early for work, also got home early - mid afternoon actually. Did he help with homework? make dinner? drive kids to practice? NOPE

He relaxed because he had had a hard day at work, then he went to bed - while his wife finished the last minute chores like making school lunches for the following day.

She got to bed late, but was up again at 2 with the baby and started it all over again

When I asked him he said, "If you are orginized and firm, having kids doesn't need to change your life much."

Kids are in colle now and they are still married, so I guess she is okay with it all.



The thing that drives me wild is how fathers get to 'help' with the baby. Moms' say, "Yes, I let my husband help. He drives my daughter to school"



My daughter? and husbands/fathers don't help. They parent. Parents parent and deserve the respect owed if they do. Of course, the fellow in the above story is no kind of parent in my opinion, but my Uncle .... he would have birthed the child if that had been an option. He never missed a step - he and my Aunt were/are full partners in every way. They do what needs to be done and their focus is their child. Said child got married this past weekend and, of course, both parents planned the wedding, were involved, cried .... but it was a very different experiance for my uncle, I believe, then it will be for the fellow in the first story. My uncle will miss his baby girl, the other fellow never really had kids, so he won't miss much.

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Becky - posted on 10/18/2010

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Old school attitude this guy has. Face it 50 years ago, the men did not help with bringing up the child and just went out and made the money so that the family could survive. My SO's parents were like that BIG TIME and really hiss at the modern ways families run now.

I kind of think, okay whatever works for the couple and if that is what they truly want then who am I to say anything about their business.

Sherri - posted on 10/08/2010

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Interesting I think it all depends on what works in your family. Nobody's answer is right or wrong.

I feel it is my job to do all the house cleaning, laundry, cooking and taking care of the kids and everything that gets to go along with that. Dad's job is to come home play with them and occasionally discipline them if I need him too. Although I do love when he will cook breakfast or dinner occasionally on the weekend.

I also never leave my kids other than the time they are at school. I probably leave my kids overnight an average of 1 a yr other than that my kids are always with me. I also do daycare 5 days a week. So I am here 24/7 with the kids.

Jessica - posted on 10/08/2010

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In my opinion a SAHM is a full time job. If your husband gets 2 days off a week, he can share them. Just as he can share the house work and other choers. You may be at home, but your a mother not a maid or a babysitter. Everyone needs time away from their little darlings even if it is just sleeping in an extra hour once a week, or going for coffee with the girls.

Charlie - posted on 10/08/2010

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I completley agree ,we are mothers not martyrs which is why between my fiance and i the support we show each other is vital to both of our sanity , health and wellbeing .

A - posted on 10/08/2010

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Loureen and Shannen I see what you guys are saying. I just think some ladies take it too far and try to be super woman and *sometimes* end up missing out on a lot of quality time with their kids

[deleted account]

I agree with loureen. Finding time for a nap with a 4yr old a 2yr old and 3 month old is laughable and my house is by no means a perfect house and i still can't find time!

Charlie - posted on 10/08/2010

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Well that all depends on what family situation you live in , i find very little time for naps with a toddler and a newborn and it has very little to do with having a perfect house , the very idea is laughable !

Stifler's - posted on 10/07/2010

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I should have napped. Instead I did washing and crap that didn't even matter or could have waited. It's the stress of having a small baby you don't know what to do with that makes you not want to nap.

A - posted on 10/07/2010

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It depends on the mom....a mom who is really dedicated to making a perfect house and home probably (not always) doesn't have time to nap all day with the baby. THey have laundry and dishes to do, etc. Me on the other hand, if me and baby had a bad night, I'll nap with the baby, and if I got enough rest at night I'll clean through the nap. It depends on the expectations of the husband and wife....my husband doesn't mind if he comes home and there's dirty dishes and no dinner...he knows I was taking care of our son. But some husbands and wives don't slide on things like that. Its a lucky woman who has a independent baby who will let her do the housework and not demand most of their attention throughout the day.... Some days my son won't let me put him down...especially when teething. I'm not going to leave him crying to do the dishes. Sorry! lol

Charlie - posted on 10/07/2010

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"If I were a sahm I would probably have plenty of time to nap when the baby napped "

you would think so but no mother i know in real life has had it work out that way maybe when they are really young but even then .....

[deleted account]

I plan on going back to work after I have my baby, but I think it'd only be fair if my hubby brought home all the bacon that I take care of the baby, at least for the most part. If he wanted to help, then so be it, but I'm not going to turn over and say "Honey, you go clean the baby, I'm too sleepy." when my hubby's been working twelve straight hours at the warehouse and just got home. If I were a sahm I would probably have plenty of time to nap when the baby napped and so it wouldn't be as hard on me.

[deleted account]

Well...in a way I had my partner whipped. I mean we both got up in the night when I was breast feeding, but when she went onto the bottle I would always kick him out of bed and not let him back in until Winter was asleep again. And he was working at the time. I mean I gave him the usual like I watch Winter alllllllllll day long so he can atleast do something! And he gave me the usual I work all day long. And then I just said that if he is working alllll day long, the more reason he should do nights because otherwise he has hardly any bonding time with the baby. Lol. Does this make me a b***h? Haha.

Jane - posted on 10/06/2010

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I am a working mom and always have been. HOWEVER, I took about 4 months off after the birth of each of my children. I did exactly what your boss's wife is doing. My husband was working...getting up early, coming home late, etc. I was, at the time, a stay at home mom...at least for those 4 months. MY expectation of that position in our family was that I would do the night stuff...because during the day, when the babies slept, I slept. BUT, if my husband was up at night, he didn't get an opportunity to nap during the day when the baby napped...he had to be working.

I think a stay at home mom's job is just as important as a working mom's job. BUT, that is the job...to be the mom, who is at home, taking care of the children, the home, etc. Now, on weekends? All bets were off...we both did the night thing and shared all responsibilities of all aspects of the home.

A - posted on 10/05/2010

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I see both sides. Since I breastfeed, There's really no need for my husband to help most times. In the beginning, and the early days, when I was exhausted, and learning how to correctly parent my child, I made mistakes, and things were rough, and there were nights when I had to ask my husband to help (I'm a SAHM, btw). He would help me whenever I asked. Once I got a handle on my childs needs and how to meet them, and changed my parenting practices (we started cosleeping at night which helped me get more sleep instead of staying awake trying to put our baby back to sleep in the crib, so I could handle being woken up frequently to nurse) my husband hasn't had to get up once to help me at night. Before I thought there was something wrong with my child for not sleeping through the night, but after doing research and finding out that OVER 50% of babies are still waking at night at 12 months, and cry it out wasn't working, I switched tactics to attached parenting and me and baby got in sync. I'm less stressed and baby is happier.
So, since baby was about 8 months old, my husband doesn't help at night. And if I had listened to my instincts earlier on he probably wouldn't have needed to help me much at all at night, but we live and we learn.

That said, during the day, or even in the morning if I want to sleep in, my husband helps a lot. He's not afraid to change diapers, and he is actually a father and spends quality time with our son. He's not the type to come home from work and spend the rest of the night in front of the TV and not even acknowledge us. We all play together every day. And even thought I am a SAHM, my husband usually does a lot of the cooking for me. Every couple is different as is every baby. If she doesnt need help great. If she does, thats okay too. I think its kind of unreasonable to not expect help at times but then again you cant prepare for parenthood completely until it happens. Its a hand on experience kind of job :)

Charlie - posted on 10/05/2010

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Dear Jeebus we were talking about the same thing Hahaha !

I get what you mean , my SO is a fisherman its a dangerous jobs at the best of times work is sporadic though its never the same from week to week he started last night at 10 :30pm its now 12:27 pm the next day here and he is still at work unloading all the fish !
When he gets home i will have had the house clean , dinner will be cooked ( i love cooking ) and tomorrow he will get to sleep in while i take the kids out for the morning because i know he will be exhausted , he doesnt ask this of me its just being mindful of him and his needs , the next day once rested he will let me sleep in , he often offers to cook , takes the kids while i go to the gym ect Its fairly equal if we give one day the other gives the next and if we work together everyone is rested and happy !

Kimberly - posted on 10/05/2010

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HAHA

"I just wish for other women not to settle for sub par parenting on the males"

Sorry for the confusion, I was coming from the angle of a SAHM that has a very involved husband. Now for the poor moms out there that get zero assistance, never get a break and have to also be a slave to their husbands on top of that- eh, no, not happening here. That's bullshit. But like I said several times now, if you get the luxury of staying home and your husband is very involved with the co-parenting of your children and he lends you a hand day to day- for the love of Pete, let the man sleep.

Stifler's - posted on 10/05/2010

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He also just does the 4am feed and change without me knowing if he wakes logan up when he gets up for work.

Stifler's - posted on 10/05/2010

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I agree, I don't expect my partner to get up through the night because he'll most likely kill himself or others on a minesite if he's fatigued but there have been nights where t's been necessary and I've just be like... YOU GET UP when Logan started crying again and he has to get up with him so I can sleep in in the morning on Sundays and he helps bath and do things around the house if I don't get it all done.

Charlie - posted on 10/05/2010

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Well now you're confusing the shit outta me LOL.



I am lucky enough to have a very involved partner , i love the luxury of being a SAHM after your last post i essentially feel the way you do , i guess your comment about going and getting a paid job really threw me off as to how you really felt , i must have missed the apology , i apologise for missing the apology :p



I just wish for other women not to settle for sub par parenting on the males behalf since we are in debate on the topic but in all honesty i really do not care , i have it amazing and i agree this aint the 50's lucjy i got a 21st century man ;)

Kimberly - posted on 10/05/2010

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Whoa. Someone is not getting enough sleep. You're missing it completely. I just don't think a working man should have to get up during the night. That's it. Now, when he is up and awake then sure by all means have him watch his children so you can get some extra sleep, relax or whatever it is that you need to feel rewarded and in good spirits to continue doing your back busting motherly duties. My husband does tons of things around the house and takes care of his daughter so I may be afforded time to spar with you crazy ladies. I have it good and I know it. I apologize for making you feel oppressed.

"are you implying being a mother , a nurse , a cook , a cheerleader , a cleaner , a food producing unit , a negotiator , a teacher , an accountant , an entertainer ECT is not a job simply because we do not get paid ?"

Not in a million years would I ever. I applied for the same job as you did and I just do it with a smile. My husband is very generous, thoughtful and helpful. He loves his daughter and takes care of her when he is home and awake and helps me out. I have absolutely nothing to complain about and want for nothing. I realize that is not the case with everyone and I apologize for being insensitive to those that get absolutely no help from their husbands except for to be a paycheck. It's gotta be tough. If that's all your man does then shake the shit out of him to get his ass in gear! Give em hell! This ain't the 50's!

[deleted account]

Fair enough...i think i'm snappy cause i'm sleep deprived. It's funny though cause even though this has been a tough few weeks i still havent asked him to get up of a night. Its early morning. I'll ask him to get up to the kids so i can try and get even just an hours extra sleep.

Kimberly - posted on 10/05/2010

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Shannen,

Of course if you are sick and all of your LOs are out of sorts, then that is a different story. By all means, your husband should be required to help you out. You're a team. I just don't get the moms like myself with one kiddo trying to demand their working husband get up during the night. Yeesh, no, I didn't have 3 for a reason. I like being able to do simple things in my sleep. Hope you perk up soon. :)

Sherri - posted on 10/05/2010

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No I don't think so. I would much rather be tired then my poor husband that has to be on the road all day long driving 200+ miles a day in a 10 wheel vehicle. It is my job and I am more than happy to do it. I actually love the night time feedings when it is just them and me and I can drink all there babiness all by myself.
Also Loreen I choose to sleep on the couch after the kids are born I have super quick labors and am back to my old self with in a day or so. I choose to sleep on the couch with the baby in the bassinet because I do not want my children ever in my bed or to sleep with me. So we camp out in the living room and that way I can be assured everyone else in the house gets a good nights rest without us disturbing them.

Kylie - posted on 10/05/2010

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I've always done the nighttime parenting because i have the boobs. My husband helps heaps with the house and kids so it never even occurred to me that we should take turns with getting up in the night. On nights when i was up every hour and the baby was crying he has gotten up to give me support, but thats a rare event. This is why we both agreed on the decision to co sleep, we all need our rest and hes the one who gets up at 5.30 am to goto work and i get to stay in bed for 2-3 more hours.

[deleted account]

Kemberly i find that offensive. Just because i don't feel refreshed the next morning doesn't mean i should go and get a job. I can't wait until you have more than 1. Think about it like this, 3 month old wakes 3 times during the night for feeding and due to slow eater Nurses for about 45 mins, 2 yr old is teething and in pain, 4yr old is sick with very high temps and isn't sleeping very well. This happened to me 1 week ago and it lasted for 7 nights. So between 3 children i had NO sleep. So hell yeah i asked my hubby to help. I'm glad you could do all your nigthtime tasks in your sleep but you know what so could i when it was 1 child.

And to top all of that off now i am sick can't breath can't sleep. Lucky i have a very supportive hubby who understands that it is NOT only the parent who stays home job to look after the children and house.

Kimberly - posted on 10/05/2010

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Holly, our set ups sound pretty much identical and it all works for me too and I also get plenty of rest. It takes no time at all to give a bottle or change a quick diaper in the middle of the night. I feel terrible for the moms that are not getting enough sleep doing the same tasks that I could pretty much do in my sleep and still feel refreshed in the morning. Maybe those moms should go to a paying job and let the dads stay home, I know plenty of men that would LOVE that.

[deleted account]

That is a good point Katie, but like I said, my hubby takes care of them for a couple hours when he gets home from work so I can rest/play on the internet/nap (and on my nights to cook dinner he watches them while I make dinner as well). I also can usually get a nap in while my younger ones are napping during the day (and my oldest is at school) if I need it. I don't lack for sleep at all. I also didn't when my kids were babies. When I needed more sleep, I found the time for it. So what if the laundry has to wait for the next day? My hubby understands and appreciates that I understand that he needs to sleep at night. Our marriage is a partnership and part of that partnership is understanding each other's needs. My hubby NEEDS to be rested so he can work (and work safely) and support us. I NEED a couple hours at the end of the day for me, and he provides that to me without complaint (secretly, I think he wishes HE could stay home all day and I would work! lol).



If my hubby didn't give me that time at the end of the day, then damn skippy he would be expected to help during the night (because he would be resting on the early evening and would therefore get the required amount of rest).



Now, I never slept on the couch (though my hubby did for about 2 weeks after our youngest was born). I get better sleep in my bed and my hubby understands that if the kids bug him while he's sleeping then he will go to the couch. It's not a big deal.

Rosie - posted on 10/05/2010

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but holly, you take care of his children all day, can't THEY get hurt iif you aren't fully rested as well?

Rosie - posted on 10/05/2010

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how on earth does anybody think it's fair to have a 24/7 job, while the man responsible for bringing the child into the world just leaves it all to you?

[deleted account]

I'm totally with Loureen on this one. Althought i must admit my hubby isn't in bed with us atm due to how heavy he sleeps i don't want him possibly rolling on bubs. He was there when i pushed bubs out and he sure as hell knew the pain i was in doin so.

Charlie - posted on 10/05/2010

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Dear jeebus you pushed a baby out and had to sleep on the couch , what a bummer !

Ive heard a few people say this and it boggles the mind that you just went through 9 months of lugging extra weight aroung , pushed a baby the size of a melon out the hole a size of a lemon or cut open from one side to the other ( a major op ) only to go and sleep on the couch , what a jip .

Stifler's - posted on 10/05/2010

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lol toni my boyfriend was like that until said socks missed the wash because they mysteriously fell off the basket.

Sherri - posted on 10/05/2010

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Sorry Kati but that was the agreement in our home too. I did every feeding, changed every diaper, did every bath, cut all there nails. I was the one home, my job is to keep the house clean, do the cooking and take care of the kids. He has to work 40+ hrs a week and get up at 3:30am for work. He is a truck driver and if he doesn't sleep enough he is going to kill someone with his 10 wheeler. Damn straight I am the one that gets up all night with the kids.
I also don't sleep in the bedroom for the first several weeks so he can sleep. I slept on the couch in the livingroom for about 4mo's.

Rosie - posted on 10/05/2010

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completely the way i feel loureen!!! i don't feel the woman that stays home gets to have ANY time off, why shouldn't her partner help out at night? or any other time for that matter.

[deleted account]

Loureen, you just got a virtual standing ovation from me lol! I read your posts sometimes and I wanna tell you to get outta my brain! I love the way you word things :)



On a side note, the day after Jacob was born one of our visitors said to Steve, "So, are you gonna help with the babysitting?" Steve said, "It's not babysitting when it's my SON! It's my JOB!" I swear, I could have pushed out another baby for him right then and there and I think for a moment, my eyes actually turned into little heart shaped orbs.....

[deleted account]

"I am not saying that your husband should come home kick his shoes and clothes off in the middle of the floor and leave a trail for you to run behind picking up."

OMG Tah I didn't know you'd been to MY house...it is a running joke now that my hubby literally walks through thte door, drops his kecks and steps out of them! Although I don't pick them up I just yell at him to do it (He is getting better he now for some random reason picks them up and puts them on top of the laundry basket in the kitchen...notice not IN the laundry basket). LMAO

We do have male and female jobs, (or pink and blue as someone described them earlier) but we have thise jobs because they are where our strengths lie, my hubby does the 'blue' jobs such as DIY...he is a gas engineer/ all around construction worker so is rather skilled in it, gardening...I refuse to do it, he got his petrol mower like he really wanted so he can do it! I have my 'pink' jobs such as laundry...I am so much quicker at it and if it was left to him I would have nothing white left, oh and he tried ironing once and then complained that his arm was tired (wimp - he only ironed 5 things), I clean because I am here all day BUT if he comes home and the place isn't tidy hge doesn't complain he just helps me clean it. We both cook (he is a much better cook than me) and look after our son.

So sometimes it is not about gender although some jobs seem to be falling into typical stereotypes it is about working to our strengths.

Tah - posted on 10/05/2010

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also..My husband comes home and will immediately ask me what i need done, or who needs to go where, if one needs to go in one direction and the other is going somewhere else, he jumps right in, if he knows i could scream if i hear mommy one more time he will take over, this weekend after church, i had been sick, having an allergic reaction to something for over a week and have to take 3 different medications so that my throat won't close up, steriods, zantac, claritin, benedryl and then a pain med for my hand which is swollen..okay so 4...and he knew i was tired and hurting, but i said i would make breakfast(homefries, turkey sausage, eggs) he took the kids and set them up to play on the balcony, he swept the whole carpet because he said he can do it better than any vacuum..lol....then got on his hands and knees and scrubbed the carpet with a carpet cleaner because he thinks he is better than a steam vac also. Then he took my daughter to the neighbor to get her hair done, an appt that i set up but i had already laid done for a nap, went and got the cash to pay her, fed the kids lunch and then started to work on my project that needed to go on powerpoint.(did the project but just didn't know how to powerpoint, i'm not a computer person, he is an IT..lol) So i am not saying that in my house by any means my husband hasn't or doesn't help, I am not saying we view things as his or her jobs. We do what needs to be done, i just know that for me, when i was a sahm and now that i am a working mom, that is usually here during the day,(work nights) i feel certain things are my repsonsibility, even if he doesn't see it that way.

Tah - posted on 10/05/2010

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Let me be clear, i am not saying that he can't or shouldn't do anything, i do feel that the majority of the work is that of the partner that stays home. When i stayed home my husband would cook and clean etc because he loves me and the children and is willing to do what needs to be done. The thing is, not that much needed to be done. Of course i was tired and frustrated sometimes but i knew that my free time while being a sahm was more than his while running around on a ship nonstop. SO when he got home, i made sure that for the most part what needed to be done was done so that he didn't come home to a dirty house, food was cooking, so he didn't have to (unless we wanted his chili) and he had some clean undies and pj pants for after his shower to lounge around in and a beer. I have a friend right now that works 2 days a month in the reserves and the rest of the time she is at home, her husband is active duty and he does all the all the cooking, cleaning and everything else in addition to working all day. I'll tell you bad it is. He was recently stationed away from here and she and the kids lost weight because he did all the cooking.



I am not saying that your husband should come home kick his shoes and clothes off in the middle of the floor and leave a trail for you to run behind picking up. I am saying that I feel the home is more the responsibility of the person who stays home, because that is your job, the same way whatever he leaves the house and does for 8-12 hours is his.

Stifler's - posted on 10/05/2010

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I think most of the reason I let Damo do the fun things like bathing Logan and playing instead of cooking and loading the dishwasher is because he isn't here during the day to enjoy his company. It makes me feel bad if I'm like oi you do the dishes and wash your own work clothes blah blah blah after he's been at work all day. Maybe coz I'm lazy and do minimal house work anyway.

Iris - posted on 10/05/2010

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I know what you're saying Loureen, and this is the way my husband is brought up. He doesn't feel it is a burden, it's partnership. He might be working all day, but so is his wife, so he helps out.

Charlie - posted on 10/05/2010

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And you know who taught me this way , my father !
He says "being a father and a husband means taking responsibility for your child and your relationship with your wife , everything is 50/50"
He actually told Jamie this when we first had a child luckily Jamie feels the same way :D

Iris my dad also says there is no such thing as mens job's and woman's jobs , just jobs that need to be done and he was working hard shifts pouring steele all day and coming home to help out around the house , i think he was a great role model of what i should look for in a man .

I guess he is the whole reason i feel they way i do and thats a good thing IMO .

Iris - posted on 10/05/2010

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I couldn't have said it better Loureen.
My husband cooks, I don't force him to, he loves it. He reads for the little one almost every day, because it's their time. If i feel overwhelmed he takes over and even when I don't he still takes care of the girls. And on weekends and days off we take turns to sleep in. Often he does laundry and he folds it and puts it away and vacuums the floors. We don't have any "man job, woman's job in our house, it's team work and it works great for both of us.

[deleted account]

I agree with Loureen, yes while our men are at work it is our job to care for our kids and our home. However, when he gets back he has a duty to WANT to look after his children and as for helping with the home, he SHOULD pick up after himself, afterall that is a MAJOR help. If my hubby didn't want to look after our son I couldn't be with him, because he wouldn't be a very good dad. He helps bath, feed, dress him etc while he is home so he can spend some valuable time with our son (my hubby works from 6am - 6pm, and sometimes later (if he has the gas switched off he has to stay until it is back on again) 6 days a week so that s no excuse for your men not helping with your children).

Yes they need a break BUT so do we, if your happy being a mommy martyr then good for you but I will not accept that! As I said before we BOTH made a baby, we BOTH wanted a baby, it is BOTH of our jobs to look after and care for the baby!

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