Secret Friends

Jeannette - posted on 09/21/2009 ( 20 moms have responded )

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I have a "friend" on fb that my husband does not know about. Now, this friend is someone I knew in high school, and we went out a few times, but I am not interested in him like that.

We talk about music, our kids, jobs, whatever. I knew his family and I really liked them, so I ask about them too.

My husband doesn't know that we are friends. I know that he already thinks fb is a social joke, but he doesn't say anything about me getting on anymore. He knows that I have spoken to this guy, but I don't want him to think that because we are still talking that it'd ever become anything more than that.

Now, the guy lives about 5 hours away...not about to run into him. Also, he's given me his phone number, but I haven't called. I don't want to give him the wrong impression either. I am happily married and he's respecting that.

If my husband were to find out and get upset, I would immediately unfriend this guy. He's not that important to me. Of all the things I would fight for or demand, I would not want to make my husband jealous.

What do you think? Am I being too secretive?

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20 Comments

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Christen - posted on 12/15/2011

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if your feeling guilty about your secret then obvously its time to come clean.......if i talk to any of my ex's esp to my 4y/o dad i always tell the hubby. he doesnt care and he isnt a jealous person. but we have both been hurt by cheeting ex's and vowed never to hurt eachother in that way. we have an honest relationship. its hard but we make it work. if you have to hide it chances are there is something underlying going on. im not saying you would ever let it go farther than that im just saying it might be subconsious. talk to your hubby about it and see what he thinks. if nothing else at least you get it out there and dont have the guilt hanging over your head.

Proud - posted on 12/12/2011

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I'd tell my husband that I was speaking to him. And by putting the word friend in quotations makes me believe this person is more than just a friend or you want them to be.

Charlie - posted on 09/22/2009

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Too secretive , tell him that its just a friend, bring it up if he asks eg" *name* asked how all the family were " that sounds non threatening .
I have more male friends on FB and real life than female , i have always had more male friends and Jamie knows that , he is comfortable and secure in our relationship because i openly talk about my friends both male and female , Mind you all of my male friends are now his friends , he is even friends with one of my ex's .
If one of them call me and we have a chat on the phone for an hour laughing i either pass the phone to him to say hi or just pretty much recall the convo to him .

If its not something important or something that could develop into more than be open and honest about i am sure he would appreciate it more than finding out another way .

Jeannette - posted on 09/22/2009

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Quoting Joy :



Quoting Sara:

If you're asking us, then you already know the answer to your question...

Personally, I would not keep any secret friend from my husband.






I agree.  The way I see it is, would you let your husband read your conversations with this guy?  If so, then I don't see a problem staying in touch with him but it definitely shouldn't be kept secret from your husband.  A secret of that nature implies something inappropriate.  I'm not saying that you've done anything wrong but it sounds like you "feel" like you have (if that makes sense).  I'm also not saying that all couples share everything, but if you are intentionally hiding something from your spouse because you're afraid he/she'd be hurt or upset by it....chances are they would be.  I just had to un-friend my high school boyfriend because he started getting a little wierd....looking at my son's pics and telling me what pretty babies WE would have had........it got creepy and I knew my husband wouldn't appreciate him talking to me like that.....so a quick "good bye, have a great life, take care" and he was un-friended. 






Yeah, if he said WE would/should/could, it would be over.  He knows I found a guy that I think is great. He asked how my husband and I met, and at the end of my story, he replied "That's great!  Oh my god, he sounds like a great guy!  I'm happy you've found the one!"...literally. 



I posted on my status that I was going to my son's game, and he along with everyone else was cheering...Go Trevor!  So, it's just friends, and everyday stuff. 



Thanks ladies....I can be a dope sometimes.

Jeannette - posted on 09/22/2009

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You know, you all make sense. I think I was making a bigger issue of it because I know we had a past. Quite honestly, I've never kept up with anyone from my past before fb.
No, my husband and I are not jealous people. No me and the guy don't have inappropriate conversations, now my SIL and I have VERY inappropriate convos! lol! Anyway, my husband could read anything we've written to or about each other and I wouldn't feel ashamed or guilty.
Yes, I have friends he doesn't know about on fb, this particular one I happened to personally know.
So, I thought about your answers and I actually did casually bring it up. You know I talk to so and so on fb, and he and you both like Mastadon, have you ever heard of Manowar? He said no started talking about music. Then I said so and so and I talked about another group who I can't remember....and I went on - and my husband just engaged in conversation, like he always does no matter who I talk about.
I am so relieved.
To answer the question does he ever act like he is interested in me? No, my fb friend and I are happy to be friends, he is moving on with his life (he's had issues). Really, all we ever talk about is everyday stuff. At first, we did go over the remember this...but that didn't last long, because I insert my kids and my husband in conversations all the time...so we jumped to current. He talks about his son all the time.
He is cool to talk to sometimes. And I agree, my husband doesn't need to know everything I say to everyone... and he really doesn't.
I feel bad that I thought for a moment that our relationship would suffer in any way from a friendship.
It was brought up to me by my SIL today that my brother had a problem with it. He is very jealous of her talking to other men he doesn't know about, but she knows I would never leave my husband for this guy. I mean, we didn't work out for a reason...I like that we can still be friends.

Sharon, I am not a 40 year old guy whacking off to everything you post....but sometimes, I pretend to be one! jk

Jodi - posted on 09/22/2009

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Quoting Cassie:

I honestly think you are being too secretive. If you are truly only wanting friendship with this guy then you should share the happiness of finding an old friend with you're husband and he should be happy that you've found an old friend on fb. If you're husband were to find out that you have been "secretly" talking with this guy, he will most likely assume the worst. Look at it from his perspective. His wife is secretly talking to an old flame without sharing it with him. Phone numbers have been exchanged. I'm sure he would be hurt and worried. I think you should tell him. Honesty is the best form of communication in a marriage.



I agree with Cassie.  I found an old male friend from high school on facebook several months ago, and shared it with my husband.  In fact, this friend happens to be in my city this week on holidays with his family, and we are meeting them for dinner tonight!  ALL of us.  Really, your husband would have to be pretty insecure to ask you to cancel the friendship, but I can totally understand why he would ask you too if you were being secretive about it!

Kylie - posted on 09/22/2009

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I think if your chatting about things that you wouldn't want your husband to read or you are deliberately keeping the contact with this male friend a secret because you know your man wouldn't approve then it's probably an unhealthy secret. Do you think your friend might be interested in you that way?

[deleted account]

I think that if you're deliberately withholding the fact that you're talking to this man from your husband, or if it's someone your husband would want to know about, then you're being too secretive. Otherwise, I'm not sure why he would care. My husband and I both have guy and girl friends who we talk to on FB and off-and we don't always inform one another. I think that's normal.

[deleted account]

Quoting Sara:

If you're asking us, then you already know the answer to your question...

Personally, I would not keep any secret friend from my husband.



I agree.  The way I see it is, would you let your husband read your conversations with this guy?  If so, then I don't see a problem staying in touch with him but it definitely shouldn't be kept secret from your husband.  A secret of that nature implies something inappropriate.  I'm not saying that you've done anything wrong but it sounds like you "feel" like you have (if that makes sense).  I'm also not saying that all couples share everything, but if you are intentionally hiding something from your spouse because you're afraid he/she'd be hurt or upset by it....chances are they would be.  I just had to un-friend my high school boyfriend because he started getting a little wierd....looking at my son's pics and telling me what pretty babies WE would have had........it got creepy and I knew my husband wouldn't appreciate him talking to me like that.....so a quick "good bye, have a great life, take care" and he was un-friended. 

Anna - posted on 09/22/2009

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I agree, definetly too secretive, the problem now is if you come out and tell dh then he is going to wonder why you didn't tell him from the start. That being said, I would not be "waiting" for something to happen for my dh to find out and be hurt about it, not to mention he will probably start wondering what else your hiding. If you truly feel your dh will be upset, you should unfriend this person. Your marriage is worth far more than a "secret friend."

Konda - posted on 09/22/2009

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I think if you are 'hiding' it, then it is wrong. If you know he'd be upset, then perhaps he has a reason. I also, contact my ex-boyfriend, I tell him about my kids and life...I email him, not FB, but hubby does know. Now is he 100% happy about it, nope, I broke up with hubby many years ago because I thought I loved this man...well, I did, he was just incapable of loving anyone back.....anyway, hubby does know....yet he also knows that I love him, and the old flame is just a friend that I will always care about and worry about.

Evelyn - posted on 09/22/2009

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I think that perhaps YOU think you are being too secretive and are maybe feeling a little guilty. I agree with Sara, since you asked, you probably already know the answer. Do you think your "secret" friend has other intentions towards you? If he does, then it's definitely a no-no.

Sharon - posted on 09/22/2009

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You know? Once upon a time I would have said "If you can't be 100% open & honest then what you're hiding is bad."



But now? My few local friends do not fill the niches I need filled. Very few females are into the things that I'm into. So I joined a herpetological society online, I made some good friends there. We've shared info, sadness, even a few bucks here & there when someone was running short. Not a lot $20.



They're guys. There is no way I'm going to find a huge pool of knowledgeable women in the field of animals that I'm interested in.



They're my friends on the amphib forum and some have carried over to FB. I guess my husband knows I talk to guys, he probably assumes its a little inappropriate, its not. I'll bet he has no idea they're privy to my FB stuff with family tidbits, personal names, & very personal updates.



Actually I think I scare most of them. LOL they don't talk to me as much on FB as they do on our other forum.



The thing is - I think if your husband asked you "hey are you talking to (name here)?" You'd say yes. Your husband doesn't care about FB and that makes a huge difference. Mine doesn't either. he's convinced you're all 40 yr old male perverts beating off to whatever it is I happen to say.

Sara - posted on 09/22/2009

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If you're asking us, then you already know the answer to your question...



Personally, I would not keep any secret friend from my husband.

Esther - posted on 09/22/2009

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I think you're being too secretive too. If there is nothing going on beyond just occassionally chatting with an old friend then why wouldn't you tell your husband. If my husband did that and felt the need to keep it a secret from me, I'd be worried.

Cassie - posted on 09/22/2009

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I honestly think you are being too secretive. If you are truly only wanting friendship with this guy then you should share the happiness of finding an old friend with you're husband and he should be happy that you've found an old friend on fb. If you're husband were to find out that you have been "secretly" talking with this guy, he will most likely assume the worst. Look at it from his perspective. His wife is secretly talking to an old flame without sharing it with him. Phone numbers have been exchanged. I'm sure he would be hurt and worried. I think you should tell him. Honesty is the best form of communication in a marriage.

Mel - posted on 09/22/2009

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not at all. I have male friends, that i speak to on a regular basis, i am not exactly secretive but I dont go announcing it to my fiance, he just notices the people i regularly talk to through fb or msn. its your business who you are friends with

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