Separation - do you think it is Selfish to consider?

Erin - posted on 10/20/2013 ( 7 moms have responded )

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My husband and I have been married for 8 years, with 2 boys. Lately, we have drifted apart, and are always angry and fighting with each other. It is bad sometimes, bad enough that I think that we should just end it. If I say anything about it to him, he tells me that I am selfish, and only thinking about and taking care of number 1. That I care more about myself and don't think about what it would do to the kids if they didn't have two parents in the same house. I know that it would hurt our boys, that it would be hard for them, my parents were divorced when I was 2. I know first hand how hard it is to grow up like that. However, I also do not think I am selfish for thinking about it. Our relationship is over, there is nothing between us, he tells me all the time that he is only still with me because of the kids, that he is not attracted to me at all, and many other things. I could keep going on. I don't want to live like this forever, I want to feel that the person I am with wants to be with me. However, if I say anything to him, I am a selfish B$%#& and he can't believe that I would even think of doing something like that to my boys. That he would never think of that because he knows that our boys are way more important that either one of us and I am just in it for me. I love my boys, I would never do anything that is going to seriously harm them, and have thought long and hard about this. I don't think I am being selfish or uncaring or anything else he says, I think I am trying to make my self a better person which will be helpful to them. I don't want them to grow up thinking this is how relationships are supposed to be, or that it is okay to treat others the way they see.
What do you think - it is selfish to think about breaking up a family?

7 Comments

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Valerie - posted on 11/03/2013

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I honestly think and strongly believe you should leave with your children and think about what is best for them not you or yur husband but yur children. people may disagree with me but sometimes staying in a bad relationship is so much more unhealthier your children will see what is going on because kids are so much smarter then we think. if you stay your kids are the ones eing hurt now and in the long run they will grow to think that that kind of marriage/relationshp is okay. you are not being selfish wht he is trying to do is make you feel guilty and like you are the bad parent who reaking up the family when that is not true. you are a mother who knows that her children come 1st and will do thevery best for her kids. i hope this helps you but in the end only you can make your decision.

[deleted account]

While divorce is hard on kids, so is growing up with 2 parents who don't love or like each other and are resentful at being in the relationship. If you are truly unhappy and your husband has made it clear it is over, then it might be best to move on and end the relationship. I also think it's very unkind of your husband to talk to you that way just because you have a different opinion than him about what is best for your kids

Erin - posted on 10/22/2013

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counseling and therapy are great suggestions and I have considered them in the past, but I am the only one who thinks they might have benefit or make a change. According to him, this is what happens when you have been together for years, you just lose the "spark" and romance. We have not actually done counselling but after being the only one to make an effort for years I am tired of it and don't have the energy or desire to any more.
Maybe I am selfish for wanting more

Jodi - posted on 10/22/2013

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I agree with considering counselling. Every marriage has its ups and downs. My husband and I have occasionally gone to counselling, just to get us back on the same page. Sometimes we do drift apart for a bit. Occasionally we need some more objective assistance to get us back on track. It worked for us. But then, we were both willing to work at it. I split with my ex husband after 7 years of marriage because we were in a bad place at the time and he wasn't willing to work with me, go to counselling and make some changes in our relationship.

Until you have considered counselling, then yes, I think you are moving too soon.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/21/2013

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If you have not considered all your options, yes it's selfish.

If you have not attended counseling, yes it's selfish

If you HAVE tried absolutely everything else to work on the relationship, and nothing is helping, then you need to consider separation, but only after you've tried everything else. Only then is it not selfish.

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