sex...

Tah - posted on 08/15/2010 ( 77 moms have responded )

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so people think i am crazy because in 5 years i have never said no to my husband..for sex....whatever time...placetc..if im tired..sick...hurting...i dont say no...we have sex a few times a week at least and thats because he works overnight sometimes and so do i...but...people who have been married longer tell me it will change...

So...How often do you have sex?...
does it lessen as time progress?
do you always do it when he wants or do you tell him no?...
and anything else you might want to throw in there.....

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Charlie - posted on 08/16/2010

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Shelley ,

Lots of hetero couples have anal sex but what your friend is going through is abuse , emotional and physical thats wrong !

Christina i have to disagree with your post saying it is a womans duty to please her man , EEEEEK sorry that makes me want to drop a Valium with my martini like a good 50;s housewife .

I dont think think any relationship is equal amongst partners if either couple is obliged by "duty " i just feel that what is done for each other should be done out of love and free will not because its expected .

Sarah - posted on 08/16/2010

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I don't think it's my "duty" to have sex with my husband. I think sex when one person or the other doesn't really want to isn't how it should be. I'd feel awful knowing that my husband was only doing it because he felt he HAD to. I'd much rather wait until we're BOTH in the mood for it.

I've been on both of the coin. Years ago it used to be wanting sex all the time. Now it's my husband. We've had good spells and dry spells. We work through it without ending up doing it because it's our "duty" to do so.

I've felt bad about denying him sex, my libido went through a REALLY rough patch just recently. It DID put a strain on our relationship, but he wouldn't pressure me or demand it of me. He was patient and understanding and we got through it.

The few times one of us has had sex just to please the other, it's been a disaster! Made us feel even worse. It's not my "duty" to have sex with my husband, it's OUR duty to respect each other enough to say no, and work through our issues together.

Fair enough to those of you who wouldn't ever deny your husbands, if that's what suits you, then great! What works for some does not for others though. Every person and marriage is different. :)

Kylie - posted on 08/15/2010

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I deny my hubby sex all the time Christina and he doesn't want anyone or anything else. I would not have married the man if whether or not i say yes each time he wants it effects his faithfulness and I certainly don't consider sex my duty or his. Like he wanted to do it at my Nanna's in her squeaky spare bed when we stayed there for a few days..hell no..so he said how about out the back..ermm NO it's 5 degrees out there! The smell of old lady sheets might turn him on but i couldn't think of anything more unsexy and NO not on the floor either buddy..it was just not gonna happen in my nans house.

Lindsay - posted on 08/15/2010

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I think sex is very important in a relationship. It helps you clear your mind and only focus on each other. When we first found out we were expecting our daughter, we constantly heard. "There goes your sex life. It's all down hill from here." We made a concious decision together right then and there that it wasn't going to happen to us. I think that an intimate relationship can easily slide to the wayside when kids are added to the mix and can have a negative impact on a relationship. We didn't necessarily make a "schedule" but we took it upon ourselves to make an agreement that barring other circumstances (birth recovery times, illnesses, etc) that we would do our best to not go more than 2 days between having sex at any given time. That was our way of being proactive. It has worked well for us. We enjoy sex and have a very healthy sex life. We also respect each other. If I'm just not into it, he doesn't push it and vice versa. Sex IS important to a relationship, but trust and respect are even more so. If someone is pushing the other to do something they aren't comfortable with or even if they just don't feel like it, it's not going to do anything but push them apart.

Sharon - posted on 08/16/2010

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I've frequently said NO.

No, because I was recently postpartum.
No, because I had the flu.
frankly he's an ass for even asking at those times.

I've said NO, because I was just tired. I'm all for pleasing him and I don't use sex as a tool or weapon against him. Making my husband happy is just plain fun. Sex is awesome. But I have said no, I will say no and I don't feel bad about it.

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Ava - posted on 08/26/2010

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I don't say no to my fiance either usually. The only time I ever had was when I got tired of it being so one-sided. We barely have sex once every two weeks now because he works. I don't really care either way. :)

Mandy - posted on 08/26/2010

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sex is a very important part of our relationship. Unfortunately mu husband has a medical condition which causes extreme pain at times, so he has no choice but to turn me down, so we can go long periods with being intimate, if it goes too long we do get mad with each other and pick arguments with each other because we haven't been close.
In an ideal world I think we would do it every couple of days, even though we've been together over 7 years now, the desire is still as strong and it's even better now.
I have said no plenty of times, either been to tired, ill or just not in the mood. Just because you're married I don't believe you should give into your partners demands, though there are times when I have done it when I've not really felt like it and it's been really good. No one should ever be forced.

C. - posted on 08/26/2010

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YES, THANK YOU!!!! That is what I meant. I know I used the wrong word but I couldn't think of any other way to describe in the short amount of time that I had to write my responses. But yes, that is what I was trying to say. Thank you for deciphering ;)

LOL! I'll have to remember that, Loureen :) Thank you. It was a nice visit. Never met them before and neither had my son, so I was really nervous at first but both of hubby's grandparents made me feel right at home the second I met them.

Charlie - posted on 08/26/2010

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Emma ,
Christina has been here for a long time now she knows how we roll , LOL , no one took it out of context its Christina who used the word out of context .



Christina i THINK i know where you are coming from however it would be a lot easier to clarify your standing if you could find another word other than "duty " to explain if that is not what you truly mean .

So let me see if i can decipher your meaning .

You believe that in a relationship a man and a woman should have enough respect and love to WANT to please their partner ? so from your view point you SHOULD please him when he likes ( not that you must ? ) and he should return the favor .
Am i getting this or not ? because duty does imply an obligation it is actually a word used in its definition , so you can see how your word was misconstrued .

Any way next time your out of town let us know so we can have a free for all LOL just kidding ;p
Hope your visit with your Grand in law was nice :D

Stifler's - posted on 08/25/2010

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People on here take everything out of context Christina. You get used to it.

C. - posted on 08/25/2010

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"I saw the term "duty" being thrown around in previous posts."



Oh, puh-lease.. First of all, the term 'duty' wasn't "thrown around" at all. Second of all, if you read the OP, it's talking about women telling their husbands NO. WOMEN!!! Now, could that be WHY I threw in that it's a WOMAN'S duty to please her husband? Hmm.. Probably.



Of course every spouse has a duty. Nobody said that the woman was the ONLY one that should be the pleaser. Men should please their wives just as much as women should please their husbands. It's their 'duty' as much as ours to ensure that their spouse is pleased or happy in bed. But we were talking about WOMEN, hence why I only spoke about a wife's duty to her husband. And of course pleasing your spouse in bed is not our only wifely/husbandly duty (since you seem to want to talk about both sides), but that is what the thread is talking about. Sex. So that's the only 'duty' I will discuss in this thread.

Abby - posted on 08/20/2010

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I love sex. In the entire time that I've been with my partner the only time we stopped having sex was the last 2 weeks of my pregnancy and then for 4 weeks after Em was born. We are intimate on a daily basis. Not always necessarily intercourse. I love sex, I love being intimate, I love showing affection and I love the feeling of being embraced, kissed and loved by my partner. We always make time to cuddle with each other everyday, whether it's in the morning or at night, on the weekends we hold hands, kiss, hug, tease and play with each other. It keeps our relationship honest and our lives full of affection and love.

I saw the term "duty" being thrown around in previous posts. I don't believe it's my duty to pleasure him. I do feel like it's OUR duty to be aware of each others needs and desires. We leave each other little notes with ideas or suggestions, we talk often about new things we could try, and we spend even more time doing nothing at all.

C. - posted on 08/20/2010

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"Christina i have to disagree with your post saying it is a womans duty to please her man , EEEEEK sorry that makes me want to drop a Valium with my martini like a good 50;s housewife .



I dont think think any relationship is equal amongst partners if either couple is obliged by "duty " i just feel that what is done for each other should be done out of love and free will not because its expected ."





Yeah, yeah.. I love how you all talk S*** when I'm in Tucson and can't defend myself daily (visiting hubby's Grand's) :P



The word 'duty' was definitely the WRONG choice.. Perhaps I should have just said any wife should be happy to please her husband no matter what (within reason, so long as he isn't cheating on her or abusing her in any way). I do feel as if it is my wifely 'duty', for lack of a better word replacement at this time, but I do NOT feel OBLIGED to do it! You can have a DUTY and do it with a happy heart.. Or hand, or mouth... LOL. Does that make more sense?



Just like raising our son is my MOTHERLY DUTY.. I still LOVE raising him and I do not feel obliged to do a good job. I WANT to do it and I am HAPPY to do it.

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@ Tah, I agree with you, I haven't said no to my hubby either. Our sex life is awesome especially after 17 years together. It seems like it got better with age.
Sometimes he's the one to say no or he's too tired but what he doesn't realize that it bothers me when he turns me down.

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Jocelyn/ Emma it's nice to know I'm not alone I was beginning to think there was something wrong with my dh reading the rest of the posts 3-4 times a week - I WISH lmao!

Loureen again I'm glad there is somebody else out there like me - I have never known anyone whos sex drive increased after birth except me and now theres you :-)

Johnny - posted on 08/16/2010

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Like others have said, it sure isn't a "duty". The very idea of that really seriously disturbs me. Like Mary, I rarely say no to my husband because he's sensitive about when would be a good time. It's not that he's so intuitive, he just grabs my boobs and if I smile, he knows he'd good, and if I jerk away and say yuck, he knows he'll have to use his other wife, Palmela. I do try to have sex if I'm not totally in the mood though. For 2 reasons, because I like to make him happy because he's a good guy & deserves it, and because once we get going, I almost always end up enjoying myself.

Tah - posted on 08/16/2010

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if my husband has an underlying condition or the swine flu i am not expecting him to pony up...literally...if i have to resort to my own devices..i will...it isnt a chore..its something i love..and also..for the kink..go to 3wishes.com....costumes for every occassion...

Tara - posted on 08/16/2010

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After reading all the responses I wanted to add that I never have sex out of a sense of duty.
My hubby is a great dad, partner and friend. He doesn't "help" me around the house. He takes care of his share of the house work load and the child care and maintenance issues, if he wasn't so "good" there is no way I would have the energy or will to do the deed as often as we do.
Right now quality is more important than quantity. :)
It's finding time and a secure place that is our problem. With 5 homechooled kids here, 3 dogs and living right in town, it's hard to squeeze in a quickie in the laundry room while the kids clean up the lunch dishes, lol. (but we've done it!!)
We both initiate about the same amount of time. If he knows I'm tired he won't approach for permission to land, he'll do a quick fly by and then touch down in the land of the hand.
I'm the same, if I am in the mood and I know he's tired or not feeling so hot, than I will also take care of my own needs. I am in tune with him and he is with me.
And I agree with whoever said "Where's the fun if there ain't no kink?" LMAO
:)Tara

Jodi - posted on 08/16/2010

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Anyway, isn't that what masturbation is for? Satisfying yourself when your partner is not up to it but you really need it?

Jodi - posted on 08/16/2010

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Not at all Tah, that would be your opinion, I just wouldn't agree with you ;P



I have a hubby with diabetes and high blood pressure, so sometimes those things interfere. I don't expect him to get it up if he doesn't feel like it. Personally, I think I should respect his feelings, just as he should respect mine. We are not always on the same page, I don't think any couple always can be, but we do recognise the signs and the difficulties on any one day and neither of us feels pressure to have sex if it just isn't going to work for both of us.

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Mary makes a lot of sense. Partners need to be in tune with each other. Unfortunately my husband doesn't always have good intuition. I mean, when I've been in the bathroom most of the day for pregnancy related reasons, I'm NOT going to be in the mood and you better leave me alone, unless you want to give me a back rub, and STOP after that. Otherwise, I'm usually good to go.

Kati, if it makes you feel any better I read the book too. (Five Love Languages for those of you who don't want to scroll back to see what I'm talking about) We had pre-marital counseling through our church and we were assigned to read it. I read it, husband did not. On our HONEYMOON, I was in tears shouting, "If you would have read the book, you'd know why I'm mad at you!" He read my chapter (quality time/conversation) that night...lol. I have to give him credit, he's learned a lot and improved greatly since then.

Jodi - posted on 08/16/2010

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Elisabeth, nothing is wrong with you never saying no to your husband, but to feel it is your "duty"? Honestly, THAT is why people are questioning it. It is NOT a woman's duty to please her husband every time he wants sex. Would you consider it is duty to try and get it up if he wasn't feeling like it just because YOU want sex?

Elisabeth - posted on 08/16/2010

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Wow there are others people like me out there! I never say no to my husband, no matter what unless it is that time of the month it which case I find other ways to keep him happy...whats wrong with that?

Stifler's - posted on 08/16/2010

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I'm glad I'm not the only one Jocelyn lol I'm reading everyone else's posts and I'm like WHY!!!!!!!!!!!! He's 26 going on 90

Jocelyn - posted on 08/16/2010

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Lol Toni I'm right there with you! If I get sex once a week that means we're on a roll! I get turned down all the time, the bastard lol. If I could I'd been having sex at LEAST once a day. DH on the other hand thinks I'm a crazy nymfo and can't keep up. He's quite happy with once a week. At least he helps keep my toy chest (ahem lol) full.
So technically, when my hubby asks I never say no lol. I think I've maybe said no 4 times (in 5 years, so I'm not doing too bad in that area hehe)
Although I do wonder what will happen when I hit my peak, seeing as I'm only 23. Hubby will have to get me a pool boy (or a landscaper lol) and they can alternate days...

Caitlin - posted on 08/16/2010

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My husband is amazing, but still sometimes I say No.. most of the time it's because he hasn't picked up on my "not tonight" vibe. Like last week, I took a shower, than said I was going to bed.. he said i'll be there in a minute, and I waited.. and waited (apparently something interesting was on TV) either way 40 minutes later i'm mostly asleep and he comes in all horny.. it wasn't happening. He didn't mind, I made up for it the next night!

He's older, so sometimes he's just too tired too, he's in school full time and working full time, and i'm in school part time, taking care of the kids and i'm going back to work full time too, so we're both pretty tired and busy. We used to make like rabbits... *sigh* at least I know I keep him happy, he doesn't have enough energy to go elsewhere! That and we talk about these things all the time, if either of us were really desperate, we'd definately find some extra time.

Tah - posted on 08/16/2010

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if my husband wasnt such a good guy i would probably tell him no all the time..he cleans the house..i mean hands and knees..i said i was going to go and buy a carpet cleaner because our house has had alot of traffic this summer...family visits..parties....etc...the man went and bought carpet cleaners and scrubbed the frikking carpet and i am here to tell you..it was better than the rented shampoo machine we got from farm fresh....he does dishes, washes clothes etc and goes to work all week at the crack of dawn..and since he is in the navy..him getting off on time is rare...so i have every reason to say yes yes yes...and i do..lol..

now if he was being an ass to me he would not get any of this good loving..he makes me want to..when im in the mirror saying i need lipo here and a mini tummy tuck and eating celery sticks..he makes me feel beautiful anyway..when im sick he takes care of me...limping...like i am now...lol..he is there to spoil me..it starts before the bedroom..now if we have had a little spat..thats about as big as it gets with us..i would have sex with him..he said im like man because i can be pissed..have sex and then go back to being pissed..the 2 dont go hand and hand to me..he is the one who will say..nope..not til we resolve this, you wont treat me like a one night stand..lol...

Mary - posted on 08/16/2010

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I have to honestly say that I have never refused to have sex with my husband....but, I do want to quantify that. Part of that is because he has never tried to initiate sex when I wasn't receptive.

The man is far from perfect, but he does seem fairly intutitve about when it might not be a "good" time.

I love him, and I love, love, love having sex with him....but certainly not when I'm physically ill or in pain, or when he has royally pissed me off and he has yet to apologize or make amends for whatever jackass thing he's done.

For instance, I just worked 2 hellatious 12 hour night shifts, and am running on about 3 hours of sleep. Because I was off, and he and the girl were left to their own devices, the house is a godamned disaster. If he were to approach me right now, I would probably bite his head off, and he's smart enough to know that. However, if he waits until after he has cleaned up that sink full of dirty dishes, puts his and her clothes in the hamper, we've had a nice family dinner together (and I've had a beer or two!)...well, nothing would help me fall off into a an exahusted yet contented sleep better than a little lovin'!

Rosie - posted on 08/16/2010

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read it, my love language is him doing things for me. and if he can't or won't, i can't or won't get in the mood.

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Okay, now that I have fully read all the responses, I can answer better.

I never say no because I love my husband and enjoy sex with him a great deal. I also love that he loves getting it from me. I like to take care of his needs and, if I am not able to have sex, I will continue to take care of his needs in other ways. This isn't because I'm afraid of backlash or I feel it is my duty, I just like doing it.

Even if my husband has been a lazy bum all day and asks me for sex, I would still give it to him. Usually, when I show my love for him, he reciprocates by showing his love for me in ways that matter to me. I recommend the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It transformed the idea of marriage and love for me.

Having said all this, my husband is not a needy guy. In truth, my libido is MUCH higher than his. We have sex once, maybe twice a week because he truly is exhausted from work. I'm okay with this, I can deal. If it were the other way around, I know that my husband would be loving and understanding as well.

Krista - posted on 08/16/2010

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I guess I'm just lucky that he didn't want to have sex right after I gave birth, because that would have hurt, lol.

Jaysus, Aura. I would frigging well HOPE your husband wouldn't want to have sex right after you pushed something the size of a coconut out of your Very Thing. So I don't know if you can say that you're "lucky", unless you're saying "I'm lucky my husband isn't a horny, inconsiderate asswipe who has a serious death wish."

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I seem to be an oddity - I rarely say no to my hubby, he however turns me down quite a lot because I am a raving nympho it seems! Apparently he is really tired because he works really hard.

Oddly my sex drive increased dramaically after having my son and 10 months later is still going strong. But if I get sex once a week I'm doing good (I am SO jealous of you ladies that get to have it more than once a week).

Hmm I may go and jump the husband.... ;-)

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I have never said no either. Ever, for any circumstances. I guess I'm just lucky that he didn't want to have sex right after I gave birth, because that would have hurt, lol. Even when I'm not, somehow, able to have sex, I am perfectly happy to give him a little something other than. Maybe that's why I feel the way I do about porn... why go somewhere else when I'm ALWAYS available, lol?

Sara - posted on 08/16/2010

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Admittedly, I get my way more when he's sexually satisfied. I don't know if that counts as manipulation, but sometimes when we're disagreeing about something, a little something goes a long way....

Hannah - posted on 08/16/2010

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We have sex a lot. I actually turned him down last night because I was so tired. I usually NEVER turn him down though. Most of the time I am doing it just to make him happy. I'm usually not in the mood and doing it in the bathroom everytime while my 2 1/2 yr old watches Fireman Sam, doesnt always mean exciting. I lost my libido too and kids sure as hell aren't helping it come back.

Sarah - posted on 08/16/2010

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Awwww Kati that sucks! I hope you can work things out. :(

Kati brings up a good point too, if your husband has been an ass to you all day, or done nothing to help out for no other reason than laziness (for the sake of argument) and he then wants sex, why would anyone jump up and give him what he wants?!?

There must be some situations where you would say no surely??? lol

ME - posted on 08/16/2010

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Hubby and I had sex 6 days out of 7 until our son was born...then it got a little less, but not much, maybe 4 days a week on average. Since my daughter was born, however, I'm embarrassed to admit how little we have sex. I have had some serious issues with my IUD however, and just had it removed; I'm hoping this will help with the sex issue. I LOVE sex with my husband, and we are very sexually compatible, so I'm not exactly sure what else it could be. I am grateful to him for being (sort of) understanding, and hope to make up for it SOON!!!

Rosie - posted on 08/16/2010

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i unfortunately don't want it anymore, and when i do want it-he's not here or he's sleeping (night shift) so i've pretty much given up on the thought that i'm going to have sex regularly again until his schedule changes.
theres also been a car accident that injured him and has now creeped its invasive self into every aspect of our lives. he doesn't help around the house,, cause he hurts- i get pissed, tired and frustrated basically being a single mother to 3 kids and don't want to put out when i don't get help in return. he's not giving me what i want so why should i give him what he wants? i know it sounds bad, but seriously until you are around a person who is NEVER home, and when he is doesn't do anything for you cause he hurts ( i know he can do some things-that's all i ask).
sorry for laying out all the personal baggage. just wanted to show you why some people don't have sex when their partner commands it.

Morgan - posted on 08/16/2010

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I say no alot too, I had 33 sticthes with my DD and it just has never felt the same, even after 7 months I'll do it cause I love my Hubby and I know he has needs but i dread the thought :(

[deleted account]

Oh, I said no a lot. Sex w/out at least a little pain (though sometimes it was VERY little) never happened for me, so I wasn't really up for 2 days in a row very often. The one time I said no for a GOOD reason (extreme abdominal pain), he didn't listen/care.....

[deleted account]

We had sex on average 3-4 times per week (w/ exception of times of bedrest, newborns, etc..) throughout our entire marriage. Way more than enough for me. Way less than enough for him since lack of sex was one of his 'reasons' for the divorce.

Jane - posted on 08/16/2010

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Hey Tah - my husband and I have been together for 14 years and I have never said no, nor has he said no. And that will probably never change :) We have sex several times a week but LOTS on the weekends (LOL). I think for some it might lessen but it hasn't for us...we are very sexually compatible. I always want it when he wants to and he always wants to when I do.

I can say that with my first husband, my kids dad, it definetly lessened over time to the point where I didn't want to have sex with him at all. BUT, there was a lot of circumstances surrounding that, hence the divorce. We met when I was 18. But the time we separated I was no longer in love with him and we had completely grown apart. For the record, we get along great and he's a great dad...we just weren't a happily married couple any longer for SO many reasons!!!!

I have my own opinions on why things lessen for people but I will keep them to myself because it will tick people off!

Ashley - posted on 08/16/2010

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Before my husband and I moved in together it was every night. Then after we moved in together it was every other night. Then we got married and it was back to every night. Then we had our baby and now its at least once, twice, if I'm lucky three times a week. We seem to only do it on weekends because we dont seem to go to bed at the same time on weekdays and hes around for nap time on weekends. I hardly ever say no. He'll initiate it and if I'm not feeling well depending on the illness he'll drop it right away. He makes me feel so sexy that I usualy give him something elts anyway. He makes me feel good so why not make him feel good? More would be nice buy I am happy that I have been with the man for 8 years and sex is still exciting and is getting better all the time.

Sara - posted on 08/16/2010

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Shelley, NOT normal! That's abusive behavior, I'm so sorry your friend is dealing with that.

I say no to my husband quite often. I'm in the same boat with some other ladies, my drive just hasn't been the same since having a baby. We've recently gotten back on track a bit, but we still only have sex on average once a week. If I'm tired or just not in the mood, I have no qualms about telling him no. I am not only there to please him. If I'm not going to enjoy it then sorry about you buddy. That's why you have Rosy Palm and her 5 friends. So NOT my "duty".

Lucy - posted on 08/16/2010

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Shelley, I feel so bad for your friend- Why is she staying with such an abusive man? As for the anal sex, plenty of couples enjoy it (hetero and gay), but what this guy is doing sounds like a way to humiliate and control your friend. Horrible.

For us, like a lot of others, sex is an important part of our relationship, but we go through droughts between the times of plenty occasionally!

After our second child a serious spine condition have got much worse, so anything too energetic in the bedroom was painful, and I just really didn't feel like it most of the time. My husband was amazingly patient, and never once made me feel pressured, though i know he found it difficult. But a year ago I did a very intensive physiotherapy course which has reduced my pain dramatically and made me a lot more flexible, so we have made up for the time we missed out on ;)

As for just out right saying no, it hasn't really happened because of the way we initiate. My husband doesn't just say "right honey, I'm ready to go, on the bed with you!" we just tend to build up to it mutually through cuddling, chatting, playing etc, which just wouldn't really happen if one of us wasn't in the mood. For us it is about being intuitive to the other person's mood, and not pushing it if the vibe isn't there. Luckily for us, most of the time it is!

Tracey - posted on 08/16/2010

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Problem isn't saying yes or no in my house - it's finding time with all the kids running around.

Shelley - posted on 08/16/2010

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I try not to deny him but have a few times eg after my c-section i just couldn't stand to be touched anywhere near there for about 6 weeks then after i have my babies it takes a while for me to feel into it. He is so gentle and understanding. I think that goes a long way towards a good sex life is when the wife considers his needs and when he is gentle and considers her needs. I have pretended to be asleep when i'm really tired or just not in the mood.
I do have a friend who does anything and everything her husband wants in the bedroom he really does use going elsewhere as a threat or will refuse to help with the kids or around the home unless he gets what he wants. He made her give him a bj every night after their babies untill she was ready to have sex. I can't stand him. He also decides what hole and tells her she doesn't deserve to enjoy this so roll over.
I hadn't even heard of anal sex in a marriage untill she told me this. My husband has never asked is this normal/common in other relationships?

Charlie - posted on 08/16/2010

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wheres the fun if there aint no kink ?

;P just kidding .......kinda LOL

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