Sex Ed

JuLeah - posted on 11/09/2011 ( 40 moms have responded )

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My child is now in the 4th grade. I have looked over the curriculum and don't actually hate it.

I recall when I was that age; the school was not allowed to show us pictures of a penis, even a drawing. That was called porn, so instead they showed a male in profile with his penis cut off.

I still remember the looks on the faces of many of the boys.

So, things are better :)

They will talk about reproduction, sex, and sexuality as separate issues.

Safety with strangers, with unwanted touching, with setting limits.

They talk about families as - one parent or two, foster kids or adopted, two moms or two dads, kids living with grandparents ....

The LBGTQA community will be an open and on-going topic

There is no shame - which was a big big feature in the curriculum I learned

I ought to be overjoyed, right?

But, still .... they talk about rape, molestation, unwanted touching in terms of sexual abuse and this just bugs the spit out of me

I don't want my child to hear this terminology

Sex is fun - ought to be fun anyway and if it is not, something is not right .... rape is not sex. Molestation is not sex. Unwanted touching is not sex.

Abuse is abuse - rape and molestation and unwanted touching is about power and control, it is about fear and pain ....

I think we are behind the eight ball in dealing with these crimes unless we can all get on the same page about the nature of these crimes.

They are crimes that have nothing, not a thing, to do with sex, or pleasure, or attraction or desire .... We can't keep our kids safe if we don't understand that.

How do you all approach this with your kids? What will your schools teach?

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Debby - posted on 11/15/2011

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Children should be taught "good touch and bad touch" soon after potty training...and to tell parents if someone touches them. Even here in a VERY small rural area ( a town of 800) we had incidents of 4th graders sneaking into bathrooms for oral sex! I served on the committee to get sex ed into our district and made sure the RSO list was at the school.
So yes, 4th grade is a bit late....talk to your child and explain the difference. We tell them not to steal, lie, cheat...we need to teach them how NOT to become a victim.

Tracey - posted on 11/11/2011

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In Primary School (age 5 - 11) our kids are taught that if anyone touches, or wants them to touch any part of the body covered by a swimming costume, or does anything that makes them uncomfortable it is wrong and they should tell an adult. You don't need to go into great detail about individual crimes.

Tina - posted on 11/10/2011

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I get what you're trying to say but these crimes are of a sexual nature that's why they're referred to as sex crimes. We should worry less about what the title is and more on educating on what is and isn't acceptable. Some people don't know boundaries and that may be because they were never taught. There are always going to be people who do what ever they want regardless of their education but it might teach some people to make better decisions.

Carolee - posted on 11/10/2011

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I'm sorry, but saying that it's not sexual is really kind of offending me. I've been molested and raped. It was VERY sexual. It wasn't consentual, but it WAS sexual. It has affected my sex life still to this day. It always will affect my sex life, and my husband accepts that.

There are many different types of sex. Making love and having a one night stand are different, but neither of them are bad. You can have just as much fun doing one as you can doing the other. That doesn't take the sexual part of a one-night stand out of the equation just because there's less of an emotional connection. Just like sex being forced doesn't take the sexual part out of the situation.

The basis of any sexual encounter is not "sex". The base of making love is the emotional connection. The base of a one night stand is horniness and often the thrill of something/someone new (there are many different reasons, too). The basis of rape is control. But if something is conducted in a sexual manner (penetration in any orifice or cunnilingus), it IS sexual.

I understand that you feel the need to take the sex aspect out of it because you aren't ready to accept it. It took a long time for me, too. But insisting to others that rape, molestation, and incest aren't sexual kind of feels like you're trying to say that I have no reason to have flash-backs if I attempt to preform certain sexual acts with my husband (of my own accord).

Jennifer - posted on 11/11/2011

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My children were taught that ANY touch that makes them uncomfortable should be reported. My grandfather started by tickling me. It made me uncomfortable. I knew it was more, but never said anything. Later, after he'd raped me, he would tickle me in front of other family members. It was a threat and a means for him to 'relive' the rape and the thrill even in front of everyone. I still remember the look in his eyes, it scared me. I've seen one man look at my daughter like that, and trust me, he will never be close enough to do anything to her.

I do agree that teaching sex ed and about sex abuses in the same setting can be confusing, but it is sex.

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Carla - posted on 01/22/2016

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My 6-year old son was sexually assaulted by a sociopathic 9-yr old boy. After that trauma - your perspective changes: A LOT. Now I'm only critical of not giving children this information. My criticism is that people don't know it can happen to them, it may have already happened to their child or a child they know at age 4-5-6. We are LUCKY we found out when we did. Knowledge is power to know what's wrong - this is true for crimes involving sexual power, maybe more than anything. The child who hurt my son told him and our 6-yr old neighbor boy they were in a secret club and playing games and having challenges and punishments. We only knew him for 4 weeks! Children need to know these are not games or punishments - they are completely wrong for children to be doing.

Tina - posted on 11/15/2011

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I'm glad my mum taught me even before I went to school about inappropriate touching as I had a 15 year old who I trusted molest me and had she not taught me about that I may not have told her about it and who knows how much further it might have gotten down the track. I know we all want to protect our children but sometimes we need to talk to them about uncomfortable stuff in order to protect them and so they know they can trust us and talk to us about anything.

Kelina - posted on 11/13/2011

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I think these classes are important. Not every childs parent will talk to them about it. Maybe these classes can prevent abuse like this more often. However the sad truth is that even if a child tells a parent there's no guarantee that that parent will do something about it. My best friend told me about some of the things her dad used to do that made her uncomfortable after we had both moved out and I told her that those were the actions of a sexual predator. She was worried because she still ahd a younger sister in the home with her father. It took a great deal of courage for her to talk to her mom, and talk to the police about it and after all of that her mom chose to move her young daughter back into the home where her father got her drunk and raped her less than a year later. Perhaps if she had been taught these things in school, she would have known far sooner and been able to have her dad arrested but the only classes that were taught in our school her mom pulled her out of because she didn't want her daughter to know these things. The realization that she should have came far too late for her now 15 year old.

[deleted account]

I think these classes are vital.As our childrens primary teachers its also up to us to teach our children about this stuff to.Its great i believe because many parents won't teach there children about this vital topic, thats were school comes in so well.Its there to cover the kids who otherwise won't be thought about sex ed.For me i will teach my children as well as the sex ed programme.

Bridget - posted on 11/12/2011

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They need to teach these things to kids. I have had the inappropriate touch talk with our kids already and they are 5, 4, and 2. Especially my 5and 4 year old since they are going to school they NEED to know what is right and wrong when it comes to touch. It's just like telling them not to talk to strangers it's a safety issue. I think that it is good that they are having these dicussions with kids earlier rather than later.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 11/12/2011

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I did start talking to my 7 year old about being touched and it making you uncomfortable because of what happened to my mom. My husband and I told her about her private parts with the proper names and told her that the only people who see them are a doctor and your parents if you hurt yourself or need help in the bath or shower. We told her if someone touches you in your privates or asks you to touch theirs you tell us or a teacher and don't believe them if they say that your mommy and daddy won't believe you. I told her don't believe anything someone tells you if they hurt you like that because they're lying.

I needed to get that across to her because my mom was molested by an uncle who would also shove his tongue down her mouth in front of her parents because her parents didn't know what was going on. And her uncle had told her and her sisters what probably every molester or abuser tells his or her victims. I know my mom didn't want me to go through that and I know she wouldn't want her grandchildren to go through it.

Hope - posted on 11/12/2011

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I believe that we should be teaching our children about this before they even go to school. It should not just be a one off conversation either. I wish I had talked to my child about it when he was even as young as 2, using age appropriate language of coarse. Maybe that would have made a difference for him and prevented it.

[deleted account]

i agree that for the rapist rape and molestation is about power and control and not really about sex, but regardless it is a sex act and to the child it is going to be sex or unwanted touching and although i think it's a little early to talk about rape, i would have no problems with them talking about unwanted touching and what to do about it. i would rather my child be over educated about those things than under educated and something were to happen and they were confused about it.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 11/11/2011

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Jennifer, so sorry to hear that. How terrible. Such a bad association. Has he been brought up on charges???? PLEASE say yes!

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 11/11/2011

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Tracy, that's what my husband and I told our older daughter.

Hope - posted on 11/11/2011

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In the booklet from my sons school they even talk about the mouth being a private part that no one can touch

JuLeah - posted on 11/10/2011

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I am sorry you experianced that Marina. It was rape.

I have talked with so many women, and men, who say, 'well it wasn't really rape because ..."

I was drunk
It was just oral
I didn't really fight
I was too frightened to speak much less say 'No'
I started it because we were kissing

So, people blame themselves, try to call it 'no big deal' Yet it impacts the whole rest of their lives

And maybe this really is just for my own sanity, but I've experianced rape and I've experianced sex - there is a big big difference and it doesn't emotional damage to me to give it the same label

~♥Little Miss - posted on 11/10/2011

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I can understand that Juleah. I was raped.....or a form of rape. i am having difficulty dealing with that, and calling it that, simply because it was oral and not vaginal. I was forced to give oral sex on a man about 10 years ago. To tell you the truth, I did not even realize it could be construed as rape until about 1 month ago when my sister told me the same thing happened to her....forced oral. Then I told her "hey, that happened to me to!" I am pissed because I didn't realize sooner.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 11/10/2011

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My daughter is in grade one, all the school has covered is bullying. My husband and I have covered a bit of sex ed with her already though.



I do disagree though that Molestation and rape have nothing to do with sex. But they are also abuses of power. My mom was molested as a child by an uncle. That's a sex crime and an abuse of power. Rape is a sex crime. Why not teach your child as early as you can that if someone touches you improperly or asks you to touch them improperly that what they are doing is sexual abuse?



If my ex had pressured me into having sex with him, that would be rape to me. If anyone does that to me, that's rape.

JuLeah - posted on 11/10/2011

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Maybe that is it Marina. For my own ... sanity, recovery, future ... I needed to seperate the two. I need to see rape as a very different thing from sex.

And, also, I hear kids and grown people talk about rape in those terms "We had sex, but I didn't want to"

Well, then you didn't have sex; it was rape

I hear women say, "well, we've had sex before, so it can't be rape"

Or, "He's my husband; it can't be rape"

If there is pain, fear, tears ... it's not sex

[deleted account]

What class should they teach children about sex crimes? Thing about not teaching children what a sex crime is, how are they suppose to know when they are being abused, or someone they know?



Right Amanda, that's why I said touch on the subject, but don't go so far in depth that it scares the kids. They should be learning the positive aspect of sex and that sex can be/is in fact very healthy in a healthy relationship. With that age I think if they hear too many details about the bad they may be afraid to be intimate when they are older.....



It kind of reminds me of when my best friend and I were about 16-17 my mother gave us an hour long "talk" about how excruciatingly painful having a baby was and when I was 20 pregnant with my oldest I was scared to death and I think thats what caused my labor to prolong like it did.



So again touch on it, maybe offer an extra 20 min at the end of the day for the kids that want to know more or something? I just think that talk should be left up to the parents... if my son were to come home rambling about rape and molestation I would be somewhat irked because I have two little ones here that have no idea what that means and right now they don't need to know.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 11/10/2011

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I think more along the lines of what you are trying to talk about would be referred to as sexual intimacy, or "making love" That is different than rape.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 11/10/2011

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Juleah, I see what you are trying to say, I think, but I fully disagree. Especially this part "Rape is not a sex crime - it is an assult, a crime - it has nothing to do with sex" or "Rape, molestation, unwanted touching is about power and control . ... this doesn't come from the same place as the attraction for or desire for sex ....."

OF COURSE it is about sex,and has something to do with it. Penetration of the vaginal, mouth or anus is sex. It depends on the circumstances on how it is defined as a crime. Sexual assault is a crime, is it not? Rape is a crime....it is a sexual act that is forced upon someone....it is sexual...it may be about control...but if you tell any women that has been raped that it is not a sex crime, I think most would disagree....also tell them that it was not sex, it was only her being over powered....she would not agree. Like I said, rape may be about power and force. But you are wrong. It is also about sex. There are many other ways to control someone...but penetrating their vagina, mouth or anus is pretty specifically about sex. Tying them up for days without food and making them bend to your every whim without sex or sexual undertones...see that is also control...but THAT is not sex.

JuLeah - posted on 11/10/2011

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I am still not using words that express what I want to say: I want kids to know about, understand rape, molestation, unwanted touching .... I want kids to have skills to see this when it is happening, to defend themselves, to speak out on their abuser ....

These are crimes and kids needs tools to keep themsleves safe

Sex is a different issue - sex is not a crime - sex is a fun time if you do it right .... now with sex there are also issues of limit setting, safetly, gender indenity ... many things to be learns and discussed - but sex is not a crime

Rape, molestation, unwanted touching is about power and control . ... this doesn't come from the same place as the attraction for or desire for sex ......

Rape is not a sex crime - it is an assult, a crime - it has nothing to do with sex

I guess it is like calling domestic violence a marriage crime .... a real actual marriage doesn't contain domestic violence

Amanda - posted on 11/10/2011

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What class should they teach children about sex crimes? Thing about not teaching children what a sex crime is, how are they suppose to know when they are being abused, or someone they know? At one time wives believed their husbands can have sex with them anytime they want because they are married. In my generation during my sex ed courses we all learned this is rape, and not acceptiable behaviour of a husband.

2 out of 3 of my children have already gone through many years of sex education from their mother, and a few years in school. This doesnt bother me at all. My children have known about sex crimes and their rights to their own sexually for many years thanks to their mom.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 11/10/2011

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I absolutely agree that rape is about power and control, but it is still sex even though it is sexual assault. Regardless of the "reason" for someone to rape someone, ie the power, control, adrenaline rush, it is still penetration.

Tina - posted on 11/10/2011

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i don't see the problem. the whole point of sex ed is how to have sex safely and what the results of sex can be. Therefore they need to know that consent is needed before they have a sexual relationship. A lot of children who are sexually abused also don't know what happening to them is wrong and don't know that they can turn to someone to help them. The perpertrator uses mind games to make the child think they are bad and if they tell anyone they'll get into trouble or something bad will happen. And education like this might actually encourage abused children to come out and tell someone.

Stifler's - posted on 11/10/2011

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I agree with Marina somewhat. While I agree that rape is about power and control, sexual abuse can destroy/alter your sexuality and cause pregnancy/transmitted diseases and it is forced sex.

[deleted account]

They will talk about reproduction, sex, and sexuality as separate issues.



Safety with strangers, with unwanted touching, with setting limits.



They talk about families as - one parent or two, foster kids or adopted, two moms or two dads, kids living with grandparents ....



The LBGTQA community will be an open and on-going topic



I am all for it, I only hope my sons school plans on teaching the same next year, his 4th year. I have already talked here and there with him about everything in your post... things he came to me himself and asked about. I think its good for them and especially good in a class room to kind of alleviate any embarrassment or"shame" the kids might have about sex.



I do not think rape, molestation and the like should be taught/discussed in depth, maybe touch on the subject , give them a general definition of what each one is but I think alot of parents may be uncomfortable with their young kids knowing.... maybe offer a separate class to the children whose parents want them to know??? I don't know. That might give them an unwanted and irrational fear of sex or any kind of physical closeness, those things have ZERO to do with loving, caring healthy relationships which is what I think the school should also include in the discussion . I also think that talk should be left up to the parents to have when they feel their child is ready know those terms and what they mean. My son, when asking me about sex in general asked me what a pedophile was (he heard it on the news one night) and I simply told him it was an adult that does bad things to kids, hes never asked about rape (doesnt even know of the word) and since he was able to verbally respond back to me I have ALWAYS taught him that nobody is allowed to touch him anywhere BUT if it did happen he needs to tell me or another adult,because I don't feel he is ready to know what that all entails and I don't want him to know just yet. I want him to be innocent for as long as he can be but I also do not want to shelter him, which is why I give him answers to things he asks. Some answers I keep light and short, some I don't.



ETA-- Children should absolutely know and have someone they trust to go to if something is being done to them, that's why I say touch on the subject, just wanted to make that clear.

Hope - posted on 11/09/2011

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I am just wondering JuLeah what do you think these crimes should be called if not sex crimes.

I personally embrasure the teaching this in schools. I live in Australia and my Grade 3 child did an age appropriate course in grade 1 in relation to inappropriate touching and identifying it but the yucky feel you get in your tummy. He change school halfway through this year and did a similar course a few weeks ago at this new school, the wording and workbook used older language which was more appropriate to his age today.

There are so many children bring sexually abused everyday around the world and if a simple educational class about it can help a child see what is going to happen and be able to prevent it themselves or give them the confidence to be able to talk to someone about it, then I say teach away.

Lacye - posted on 11/09/2011

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I agree with Marina. Rape, incest, and molestation has everything to do with sex. Yes it is about power of the victim but the attacker is still doing it with a sexual undertone. Rape is unwanted sex. Molestation is unwanted sexual touching. Incest is sex between two family members (consensual or not). These crimes still have a sexual undertone to them. There is no changing that.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 11/09/2011

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Sex is the act of a penis penetrating a vagina, or oral sex is mouth contact with genitalia, anal sex is penetration of the anus. Molestation, incest, and rape IS sex..

~♥Little Miss - posted on 11/09/2011

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Juleah, I understand why you don't like it, BUT "Sex is fun - ought to be fun anyway and if it is not, something is not right .... rape is not sex. Molestation is not sex. Unwanted touching is not sex"

It certainly IS sex. It is sexual assault. It is unwanted sex that children should be VERY aware of. Children are molested, and raped to regularly.

Also, do you really want your 10/11 year old knowing how much fun sex can be? How good it can feel? How it is so intimate on a whole new level of understanding of each others body? I don't. I would love to share these thoughts with my children...when they are older.

JuLeah - posted on 11/09/2011

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I do think safe touch, rape, molestation need be taught about/talked about ... and yes, what to do if it happens is also talked about ... I don't like that these crimes are called sex crimes - as they have nothing to do with sex

It is 2011 and women are still told, 'well if you hadn't been wearing that short skirt ..."

NO no no no .... nothing to do with the short skirt ... rape is not about attraction, or desire, or pleasure, or sex ....

That is the part I have isue with

[deleted account]

I don't know about the school... is sex ed in Health class? Cuz my 5th graders don't have anything sex related in their health book.... ??



I'm not discussing rape w/ my kids. Not at this point, at least. They all know that no one is allowed to touch their privates except them... unless in the case of illness or injury where mom or the doctor may need to have a look. That's as far as I've gotten. When we do more indepth sex talks I'll go over the whole 'no means no' stuff, etc...

Carolee - posted on 11/09/2011

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If you don't teach children about the bad, how will they know to come to you if it happens?

If I hadn't heard these terms in school, I wouldn't have known that what people were doing to me was wrong.

Rape, molestation, and incest are all crimes, yes. But they are SEXUAL abuse crimes. I feel they most definately should be taught, along with ways of getting it to stop and punishing the offenders.

Jeannette - posted on 11/09/2011

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I think it is a good idea to discuss incest, molestation, rape in these classes. Hopefully it will open a door for a child who might be being abused once they learn there is a trusted adult to turn to. Does the curriculum include who the children could go to if this were happening to them?

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