Should hubby help out even though he works?

Katherine - posted on 09/06/2011 ( 62 moms have responded )

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I have been seeing a lot of posts on this. Moms are saying dad comes home and either plays a game or watches TV. Doesn't help clean, change the baby, play with the kids, get them ready for bed etc.....

What would you do? What do you think? Should it be this way? When you agreed to be a SAHM, was this what you expected?

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Look dispite many having husbands etc that don't want to clean etc or thats the agreement in your home.Which is fine as i said each to there own.

One thing that would not sit with me is.Dad not wanting to play with his kids,talk to them.Do bed time after he comes home from work.(If dad is so tired,he can just tuck the kids up in bed and give a kiss,simple)



This is so vital.I never had them as a kid.I so craved what other kids had with there dads.



I am so proud i fell in love with a man who dispite hard times financially/work wise the whole deal.Even in the good days financially.He Would never come home and walk past his kids.

Thats NOT okay.Ever.I would be so disappointed in him as a father if he did that.I would speak to him about the affects this can cause on our children and in our realationship.Everthing else i can handle, not putting effort into our children won't go down well in my house.



I feel personally its something so important that it should not be allowed to happen in ANY home(CHILDREN WISE).

Kellie - posted on 09/06/2011

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I do expect him to help a little, I do the majority and that's fine, but I expect him to help me when/if I need it.

That's the housework, as for helping with the baby.

Yep damn straight the men should help with the baby, he should play, bathe, change etc etc them. Providing sperm then saying, oh but I work run along now is not being a father, it's not being a parent, it's being a sperm donor then providing financial support. Supporting your SO/Wife is MORE than going to work and making money. Raising your kids and being there for them is MORE than going to work and providing financially. It's helping them with those things, it's reading them a bedtime story, it's giving them a hug etc etc.

I am a SAHM NOT a Maid/Servant. I work too, just not outside of the home nor do I get paid a wage, but I work too.

Tasha - posted on 09/06/2011

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Moms work too, all day. I say yes he should help. I start a p/t babysitting job tomorrow, but for the last 8 months ive been a SAHM, and kinda still will be, ill take my son to the friends house im babysitting for. Ive not worked outside the home since before my son was born, i see the raising of my son as my 1sr priority, my house is also part of my job. I do what is reasonable, sometimes on a good day i have a super clean ouse when DH gets home, sometimes its been rough and the laundry isnt all done, theres a few dishes in the sink and i didnt vacume. I believe if you stay home all day, you should be responible for more of the housework, not ALL of it. Same with the child rearing, we both created this life and live in this home, we are both responsibe for caring for it all. My husband works very hard to provide financially for our family, but he also knows that he needs to provide emotionally too and he does. It takes two, you just have to find what works for your family. We're stiil new at this parenting thing, so i dont have much background, but i know whats seems fair, and thats not one person doing all for the kids and house.

Mary - posted on 09/06/2011

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I think it depends on how you define "helping out". To me, playing with your child when you get home from work, giving them a bath or getting them dressed isn't helping out...it's being a father.

As a sahm, the bulk of the household chores and maintenance do fall to me. As well, the majority of childcare is my responsibility, since I am with her much more than he is. He works at his job however many hours a day, and I work in our home those same number of hours. When he comes home, I do expect him to actively participate in our household. We both equally need and deserve some downtime, and the only way that is going to happen is if we help each other out.

When he comes home from work, I do expect him to entertain and play with our toddler (as does she!). Truth is, once he walks through that door, she's pretty much done with me for a while. It gives me a bit of a break from her...but by no means am I sitting on my ass. I'm typically making our dinner (while having a beer or glass of wine), folding laundry, and perhaps catching up with my sister on the phone. It's relaxing, but I'm not exactly idle, either. That doesn't happen for either of us until she goes to bed.

Shana - posted on 09/10/2011

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I guess it depends on how you define housework...if its work within the house, then mine does uhm none! Well, not quite none, but very little.He cooks if hes home on time or on the weekends, and empties the bin as required or does the dishes but not huges amounts.But if we include the yard work, he now does it all, I rarly help with that all!!
As for the kiddies, his help with our first daughter is restricted to playing,cuddling but never ever nappy changing (I totally understand and respect his reasons on this situation and as such this is a non-issue to me) and he offers our sons any help they require (they are aged 11,8,7 and 3 so need a lot less "help") and he is always ready for a play with anyone of his kiddies

It works for us - he helps when/if I ask - to be honest I get more upset when my sons are "dont help" and the main one they dont do - is put dirty clothes in the dirty clothes basket - which drives me insane LOL

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Mrs. - posted on 09/10/2011

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My fiance works nights, but come home at 1 or 2 am at the latest. He likes to get up early, put my daughter in the running stroller, eat breakfast and clean his little butt off. He's super anal about it. Housework is his therapy. It is how he grew up. If I do something like the dishes, floors, etc, he usually goes back and "corrects" it...so I just let him do what makes him happy.

The bulk of caring for my daughter goes to me though. He plays with her and does the bedtime routine on his days off, but that's about it. Oh, but he is kind sometimes about changing poopy diapers in public, which is nice.

Some people might find this weird, but it works for us.

Cyndel - posted on 09/09/2011

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When my husband was working (stupid economy) I expected him to be a father, help with the kids...play and read books etc. But I did most of the house work...sometimes he would do the dishes or clean the toilet if he noticed I hadn't gotten to it yet but usually I just wanted a break from the kids so I could get the house work done so he would play with/read to/help with crafts with the kids while I did all the things I'd been trying all day to get to.

Lacye - posted on 09/08/2011

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I go to school, take care of our daughter most of the time, and do most of the housework. It wouldn't kill my husband to pick up after himself a little bit, take out the garbage, and change a couple of diapers every once in a while.

Donna - posted on 09/08/2011

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both me and my husband work so yeah i do think he needs to help me. but if i was a sahm, then no, i have all day to clean and take care of the kids, thats part of the job lol.

Sal - posted on 09/08/2011

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after reading a few other post (sherry and feen) i agree fully with them in that my husband has a job where going tired because he was up to kids over night or had to come home on a short turn around and had to do house chores before bed just isn't a risk i am willing to push....if i get a bit tired after a night up with a sick kid i really can slack off, he just might have to get in a high speed pusuit and use his gun.....not good on no rest

Sal - posted on 09/08/2011

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i don't expect my hubby to come home and do my jobs as such, i try my hardest to have all essential jobs (as i see them) done when i am on mummy duty as i call it, so when he finishes so do i to a degree, we have a coffee, a wine, watch the news both read stories and do kids teeth and bed when he is one days,when he is on nights we have a relaxing morning extra coffee, walk in the garden ,and both do kids breakfasts and get them school ready then i get stuck in to the work later HOWEVER if i am running late and run off my feet and trying to get dinner ready bath kids, lunchs packed uniforms ironed, getting washing off the line he does do it, and when he has days off we both do what ever needs doing, and i also make a point of getting my bookclub night out, and recently had a girls weekend away so i am very lucky that my hubby knows i need me time, and as he is on holidays he is currently washing up....i think each partner should be understanding and use common sence.....if he come home every night to a pigsty and no dinner ready till 11pm he might get pissed, if he sat on his butt every night while i ran around like a blue arsed fly i'd be pissed.....but i see being a sahm as more than looking after the kids but the geeral running and maintenance of the house....

another reason is that he works different hours every shift some times, th kids still need dinner and bed or be at school at the same time reguardless of what he is working, and he was regually never home on time as he was a sole unit, if i waited for him it might never of got done, i just had to be totally reliant on myself

Stifler's - posted on 09/08/2011

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Exactly. When is it your day off as a parent... never. He is a parent too.

Becky - posted on 09/08/2011

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Well, to say that as a SAHM you should be 100% responsible for household chores and to say that as a SAHM you should be 100% responsible for your children are two entirely different things. I hate housework. Really, hate it. I do it, but for me, there is nothing whatsoever enjoyable about it. I do not expect my husband to come home and cook dinner, do dishes, pick up all the kids' toys, etc. However, if he NEVER lifted a finger to help around the house, that wouldn't work for me. If it works for you, great, enjoy. But it doesn't for me. I don't expect him to pitch in with the day to day chores. But, if we are say, having company, especially if he is the one who invited them over, then I expect him to pitch in to help get ready for them. And he does. When we have company, he actually usually does the majority of the cooking/food prep, while I do the majority of the cleaning. I'd much prefer it the other way around, since I really prefer cooking to cleaning, but I guess so does he!



However, to say that it is okay for your husband to come home from work and take no responsibility whatsoever for your children, is really, IMO, cheating your children. Both parents need to take responsibility for their children and be involved in their lives. Dads, no matter how hard they work, need to give their children a bath and read them their bedtime story once in a while. They need to sooth them when they're sick sometimes. They need to make an effort to make it to some of their soccer games, even if they do work long hours. Those things are how you build a relationship with your child. Coming home, grunting a few words through dinner, and then plopping your butt on the couch and ignoring your family, or disappearing for the rest of the evening, is not!! I understand moms who say that when their husbands work long hours, they would rather they spend the time they have at home with the kids then doing housework. I think that's how it should be. But for a mom to say that because her husband works long hours, he should have no responsibility for anything at home, including the children, and should be able to use all his free time for himself, well, I don't think that's fair to anyone in the family, including the father!



As for which job is harder, obviously I haven't done every job, so I can't compare. But I used to be a child welfare worker, which, contrary to some of the opinions that have been expressed in debates here, is a very hard job. I used to work with some real little shits. And some real pain in the ass adults too! But at the end of the day, I got to leave it behind, go home, and do nothing if I so chose. I don't have that option as a SAHM. If my child has been puking every 15 minutes all day long (and I hate dealing with puke even more than I hate housework!), I still have to get up and deal with it all night too. If the boys have had one tantrum after another all day, I don't get to say, that's it, it's been a hard day, and go home at 4:30. If I have to be up at 7 the next morning because I have an appointment, I still have to get up 3-4 (or more!) times in the night with a 3 year old who will not yet go potty by himself at night and a 2 year old who does not yet consistently sleep through the night. My old job was hard, but being a SAHM is harder. Infinitely better, but still harder.

Lady Heather - posted on 09/07/2011

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I didn't say there was anything wrong with video games. We just aren't into them around here and my husband likes to keep doing stuff because that's just how he is. Dude. Also, if you are renting then you can't really compare repairs and stuff. I don't have a landlord's handyman to come fix my shit any time. It's just me and the husband. I guess if you have a shitty landlord, that sucks. But at the end of that day it's not entirely your problem because you aren't the one who is going to own the run down house. You can leave. If something goes crazy wrong with my house and it doesn't get fixed right away I could potentially ruin a massive investment. So yeah, I expect my husband to help with the care of that investment whether he's away a lot or not. That kind of responsibility can't fall all on one person. Either he helps, or the money he makes pays for someone to do it. In my house, he prefers to do it himself.

I do have to agree that I don't think my job is harder. My husband has a very high pressure job too. He's an engineer. People could definitely die if he fucks something up. He also puts a lot of time in with his truck driving from crazy tiny mill town to other crazy tiny mill town and obviously you need to be rested to drive safely. This is why I try and stop him from doing too much and get pissy with him when he doesn't go to bed at a reasonable hour. Ha.

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yes he should help, even if the wife does stay at home because everyone needs a break sometimes and being a stay at home mom is a 24/7 job. I think they should be expected to do something, even if it's just one thing a night, like doing the dishes or putting the kids to bed.

Stifler's - posted on 09/07/2011

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I don't expect him to come home and want to scrub the shower but if I need help with something or something needs to be done I expect it. I don't expect a spiel on how he makes the money so I should do everything else and how it's not his job.

Charlie - posted on 09/07/2011

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Jamie goes to work at 11pm and isnt home until 1, 2 , 3 pm the next day ..his job is incredibly dangerous handeling heavy machinery in the ocean ( the fishermans memorial wall is a reminder of that in fact we have lost one of our families fleet with crew on board .......anyway I think if it works for your family that he can come home and sit around or play and you are happy to do it all yourself then thats great , thats your family dynamic.

For us that wouldnt work because for one he just wouldnt feel right coming home and not helping out and Im not really sure I would put up with that either .....I have my own opinion of fathers that do that and its not complimentary but then those fathers arent my partner so it doesnt matter.

I see it this way too , If I were the main earner I definately wouldnt feel comfortable coming home and not being an active part of the family.

everyones different I guess , as long as everyone is happy then so be it !

Stifler's - posted on 09/07/2011

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My post wasn't aimed at you Sherri lol. My husband gets home at 630 and dinner is ready so the kids can go to bed at 7 so all I make him do is mow the lawn on the weekend and help tidy the house here and there and bath Logan on weeknights while I do dishes and put renae in bed. Then he goes to bed at 830. Often Logan doesn't need a bath either I'm just saying if he were to come home, not talk to me, plop down and watch tv while I do everything it would piss me off.

Stifler's - posted on 09/07/2011

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Also what surprises me about some of these threads... is that the husband/partner isn't working long hours. They're always like "he doesn't have a job... doesn't do this doesn't do that just plays games all day and refuses to do anything to help me and I work x amount of hours" are you fucking kidding me?

Stifler's - posted on 09/07/2011

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It would tick no boxes for me to cook, clean, look after the kids all by myself and him work and come back and do whatever he wants. I'd be gone.

Carol - posted on 09/07/2011

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I know how to change the fluids in my car because I took that upon my self to learn. If my car breaks down and my husband is in another state he cant come home right then and fix it for me, It would be a few weeks to a month before he gets home. I cant ask my landlord because sadly he doesn't know how to do it either. My job isn't harder than my husbands, if my kid gets hurt, i call 911 and temporarily fix it till they arrive sorry not many moms are/where EMTS or where medics in the military, once im on my way to the hospital, i will call my husband and keep him posted on whats going on. If my car breaks down while I'm out and its not as simple as adding fluids or changing a tire, i call a tow truck and take it to a garage. If my sink is leaking and there is something i can do to hold off for a while till i get the funds to call a plumber as my landlords handy man may be busy with another renter i will do it. My husband hates it when i bring simple problems that I can fix myself to him, he trust that i can do these things myself and i don't need his help doing them, and Im glad he understands that i don't need him to help me with every little thing when he is home. Personally just him going out and working and making sure i don't need to, so I can raise our kids and not someone else, is enough. Yea it would be nice once in a while for him to wash dishes, but its better when he cleans up a room or two so he doesn't have to do dishes, and vacuums and sweeps once in a while.
Heather- my husband likes doing other things than play video games also, but i'm not going to have him start a project leave for a month and come home with a day or two off before he leaves again for work. That's just one more thing I have to work around while hes gone and for me to nag him about getting rid of or finishing when he is home. I'm not a fan of him playing video games but if hes only home for one or two days it wont hurt for him to play or go fishing or take me and the kids to a Zoo or have his friends over for dinner.
Also if my husband messes up at work, everyone he works with can lose their job, not just him or in the field he works in someone can be injured or die because he messed up. At his other job if he messes up hes just let someone get killed, or worst he just let a friend and fellow solider get killed.
My house is over a hundred years old, I'm lucky enough that my landlord just replaced everything before we started renting from him, so the only thing i have to worry about right now, is my sub pump shutting off and my basement flooding. Sadly the handy man or my husband will have to go down there and turn it back on. I'm sure only a handful of women here have husbands who are gone for weeks on end and im sure most of them have had to figure out someone to survive being a single mom till their husbands come back home be it from being in the military or their husbands work on oil and gas rigs so to say that its wrong for their husbands not to help out at home, or that their husbands should be held to help out at home when most of the time these guys just want to relax and spend time with their kids is wrong. Most of these guys help out, to the best of their abilities as they are out there doing jobs no one else wants to. So for me to think its fine that my husband entertains my kids with a movie and video games when hes off while I clean is how it works in our house. My kids dont see him often so they dont care as long as they are spending time with him, and when they do see him most of the time he is asleep because he just worked a 14-15 hr shift and is only going to get about 6 hours of sleep. Hes in the same boat as his dad is, as soon as they get home, they are asleep, unlike his dad he doesn't get weekends or holidays off.

Charlie - posted on 09/07/2011

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Yes he helps equally when he comes home.



If I cook , he washes up.

If I am bathing the kids , he is getting one dressed .

If I am cleaning the house he is changing nappies.



He is a father and a partner in a relationship too .......not just a fisherman he plays an active role in his family which IMO is a must other wise whats the point ?



I am always suprised when my friends look shocked that I mow the lawn ..because " its the mans job" wtf ?



He does so willingly because he feels its the right thing to do having said that I do majority of the work at home.



Wouldnt have it any other way .

Merry - posted on 09/07/2011

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Matt tells me my job is tons harder then his. The stress alone makes it harder, if I screw up I could wreck our kids injure our kids or god forbid they died. If he screws up the worst that could happen is he gets fired and needs a new job. Besides, he gets new scenery and adult conversation, he can pee in private and eat alone on his break.

Now I'd never prefer working to being a mom but when my days get hard I do daydream about having a nice simple shift at work to relax. My previous jobs were so much easier then being a mom. I'm happy here, this is my dream, but I don't think I have it easier then matt. And he agrees too.

Lady Heather - posted on 09/07/2011

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My husband would effing kill me if I tried to work on one of the cars! Ahahaha. I don't see how I could get all the household repairs and stuff done by myself too. That would be nuts. I don't know. Maybe some people have more updated houses or smaller houses or whatever, but shit is always breaking around here. I could probably spend all day just fixing the house and doing renos.

I have one of those husbands who doesn't like to just sit and do nothing though. I have to make him settle down at the end of the night. Last night he came home after working 12 hours and was disappointed that dinner was ready because he wanted to cook something on his charcoal grill. So then he cooked a roast. And there were coals left so he cooked some potatoes. Now I don't really have to make dinner tonight. Yay. That's just how he is though. He actually likes to be doing shit. We don't do the whole sit and play video games and crap here.

Carol - posted on 09/07/2011

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I agree my husband deals with a ton of crap at work and he doesn't work 9 to 5 but even if he did why should he have to come home and help? I can understand having him help out if your kid is sick, your sick or he genuinely wants to but by staying at home with your kids you've told you husband that he just has to work and do chores you cant like work on a car. My sister in law has her husband work when he gets home an hes gone about the same amount of time my husband is which is weeks and when he gets home she has a honey do list already ready for him. My mother in law thinks its great that since my husband does work so far away and is gone so long that I don't have that list for him. If i need something fixed and dont want to pay for it to be done i will fix it myself.

Morgan - posted on 09/07/2011

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My husband works full time and is absolutely excpected to help me on evenings and weekends I've never had to ask him though he just does it, I feel bad for mothers who get no help it's a shame

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Personally, I think working in an office is 1000 times easier than staying home with kids all day. Going into the office is a vacation. At the office, no one is throwing up on you, peeing on you, expecting you to wipe their butt, throwing tantrums, throwing food, expecting you to cook for them, etc.

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The best time to begin parenting a child is before it's born, and this goes for both mother and father. These fathers are missing out on so much, I'm guessing that they will be hurt when they decide its time to interact with their son/daughter and the child wants little to do with them. Fathers need to be more than just the person who says NO. It could be that these fathers had fathers who largely left parenting to their wives, perhaps if you've got a husband like this, they should be encouraged to play with, spend time with, bathe, dress, read stories, all vitally important things for a child's development, because like it or not, children need both male and female role models in order to develop properly. It could be the father is unsure of his ability, if this is the case gently coax him, instead of criticising and using the 'Why don't you..." in condemnation, suggest ways that he can interact. My son-in-law was thrown in the deep end when my daughter was hospitalised, and suddenly there was his 12 month old daughter trying to communicate and yet he couldn't understand a word. He soon picked it up, but its better not to be such a stressful (for both) situation. Don't be quick to jump in and 'do it properly' when he does decide to do something...step back and allow father and child to develop their own relationship themselves.

Carol - posted on 09/07/2011

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I dont expect my husband to help, unless its on his day off. He works 14 hours everyday and works nights. As long as he keeps the kids busy ( they love waching him play xbox and thats fine with me cause they are out of my hair for at least 2 hours. ) I can clean or actually tkae a bath without screaming, or things getting thrown at me in the shower. There are times he's gone 3 or 4 weeks so I cant really ask him everynight to help and the days he is home he will spend time with the kids before work. Each person is diffrent, I didnt agree to being a SAHM, but im not goign to pay for daycare and i've already have had family tell me they wat to be paided (my mom of all people) for watching my son ( we bought groceries and paid her bills already). Its not my favorite thing but I would rather spend everyday watching my kids grow up than allow someone else to watch my kids and not really know them.

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After our first childs birth..daddy went back to work 2 days later.He was so upset leaving us, but it had to be done.
She was always asleep, when he left and came back.
I never expected a thing from him, he worked his butt off and i wanted to take care of him, when he arrived home.
He, however lol, had other ideas.He refused to sleep at night, he did the late night feeds.Dispite me saying no.He said, it was there tim e and she would wake at feeds.I would hear him talking away to her..so sweet.
He would help out making the rest of the dinner and would often tell me to sit down.While bringing in a cuppa for me.Blessed i was.
Hes still the same.I guess what i am saying is each to there own.My man would not take no for an answer.Thats how it rolled in our house lol.:-)

Jodi - posted on 09/07/2011

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My ex told me "you're the woman, you are the one who belongs in the kitchen". Famous last words....... seriously, they were. That night I realised my marriage was over. Next day I was a single lady (minus the paperwork of course).

Julie - posted on 09/06/2011

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When I got married, I thought things wouldbe equal. My husband had basically been the housewife in the sharehouse he was living in - for 18 months, he'd been the one to do all the tidying up for all of the house, and did most of the cooking for himself (his housemates just bought takeaway mostly).

Unfortunately, he was one of those pigs who thought once the ring goes on the finger, the little wife becomes the doormat.

When we got married, he was working 10-15 hours a week maximum. I was at uni full time ie 8am to 5pm three days a week, and 8am-8pm one day and 8am-2pm. I also had a part time job working the afternoon I had off uni plus saturdays. So we were doing paid work the same number of hours, and on top of that of that I was out at uni approx 35 hours a week (and spending 3 hours a day on buses because he insisted he needed my car to hang out with his mates while I was at uni).

AND then on top of all that, I was expected to come home and do all the cooking and cleaning, not just for him (he was a dirty slob too) but also for his disgusting best friend he moved in with us to try and pay the rent.

Even after I took on a second job working nights, which was an extra 25-35 hours a week, I was still expected to be the houseslave.

I'd be up at 6am, catch a bus to uni, get home around 7:30pm, cook his dinner, get dressed for work, leave at 8:30pm, and work til at least 1 or 2am (some nights up to 5am, six nights a week). Work saturdays all day at my other job, then back to my night job.

My time "off" was sundays when I'd actually get 8 hours sleep, a few hours to do assignments before going to church from 5 til 9pm most sundays because I was part of the team that did some of the service - and I always had to have his dinner cooked before I left.

Despite the fact that most weeks he worked 10 hours, didn't even look for a better job and spent all the rest of his time playing on the playstation and smoking drugs, I was expected to do all the housework. I once took a photo of him and his bum best mate washing the dishes because I was so surprised they remembered how to!

Strangely enough, this arrangement didn't last - after 12 months (when I'd started skipping uni and taken on a third job), I started to get very sick I had to quit one of my jobs, then as I got sicker throughout my pregnancy, I had to quit my second job and stopped going to uni most days, and by the end of my pregnancy, I had to quit all my jobs and stopped going to uni altogether.

I have fibromyalgia, and half a dozen serious injuries which would have healed if I hadn't been forced to work a heavily physically demanding job, but I kept working against doctor's orders because we needed the money and he wouldn't get another job (in fact he kept getting fired from the jobs other people found for him).

Eventually he finally got a full time job, even though he kept taking unpaid time off telling them he was sick when he was really going to his mate's house to get stoned instead of work.

I had to have a whole bunch of operations while we married. And every time he'd deliberately take his annual leave the few weeks BEFORE my operation, so he wouldn't be able to stay home to look after me and our daughter afterwards. When one was botched badly, and I couldn't even get out of bed without help for months, his version of "helping" would be to take our daughter to school, leave her in after school care, pick her up at 6pm (he finished work at 2pm), drop her home, dump her on me and go back out to his mates to get stoned til 2am (when he wasn't busy visiting his mistresses instead).

It didn't matter that I could barely move from pain and the doctor had made it clear I needed to rest, according to him, he'd done his "job" by looking after our daughter for the three days I was in hospital for. Even when he told the surgeon I could be discharged because I was going to stay with my grandmother for a few days so I was being care for away from my daughter so she wouldn't hurt me (she has autistic spectrum disorder and often hurts me accidently), within an hour of going to my grandmother's, he dropped our daughter off (even though my grandmother was too elderly to care for a young hyperactive 5 year old without another adult to control her), and unsurprisingly, within half an hour, my daughter had jumped on the leg I had operated on and I had to be taken back to hospital by ambulance.

That is part of why I was unable to get out of bed unassisted for nearly 6 months.

Yet despite all this, I was still expected to do ALL the cooking and cleaning. If I didn't, he'd buy takeaway for himself (even though we didn't have the money for it when he was blowing 3/4 of his pay on drugs and stupid debts he ran up like speeding fines, and paying off a car he refused to insure and then crashed) and leave our daughter and I to go hungry. If I didnt' clean the house, it was just left to get messier and messier, and if the dishes weren't clean and he wanted one, he'd just bash me for not having it done for him. and with clothes, after repeatedly abusing me for not having his clothes for washed for him, he'd wash his own clothes, and throw mine on the floor of the laundy and tip bong water on them and leave them to literally rot (and go mouldy) until at times I'd have no clothes at all left.

Some guys are just pigs- they know how to cook and clean and the woman works more hours in paid work AND also is studying AND is also sick and injured, yet these guys thinks because he has a wife, it's her job to do all the work.

Of course, even if the guy works a normal week and the woman stays at home with the kids, it's no excuse for a guy to be lazy. Women need a break too. A paid job is usually only around 40 hours a week, being a mum is a 24/7 job. Of course a man should help. Women need a break sometime. Single men who work 40 hours a week come home and do their own housework, it's not a major burden to help their wife out a little wth the housework , and spending time playing with the kids so the wife can do simple things like have a shower etc, shouldn't be a chore - playing with your kids is a luxury not all dads even have. They should be grateful.

All I know, is when I finally escaped my now-ex husband, even though he doesn't see our daughter at all, despite our daughter being a total slob, I have less housework and more free time than I ever did with him around - without him deliberately trashing the house and being lazy disgusting slob.

That should be a wake up call to men - if you are going to be lazy, disgusting pig, we live in a world where your wife might very well decide that she'll have less housework, more spare time and more money without you! Enjoy your kids, respect your wife, and you might just have a happy marriage and happy family.

Katherine - posted on 09/06/2011

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Ok so here is my take on it. Moms CAN multi-task we know that. However when dad comes home after he's taken a breather I expect some me time. Whether it's 10 minutes or half an hour. He SHOULD play with the kids and be involved not just plop down and watch TV. Only half an hour to an hour of his time.
Yes, he provides, yes he works hard, but so do we. And the whole reason I did post this was because of the SAHM's group. They DO complain a lot.

I don't think an hour to half an hour a night is too much to ask of him. Whether it's chores or just playing with the kids.

I do know some dads that travel a lot and work 7 days a week. That is HARD work, but still a few times a week doesn't hurt to help out. Especially when mom is home alone with the kids practically 24/7 all week.

Now if both parents work they should definitely share the duties. Moms shouldn't solely be responsible as a working mother.
Anyways I'm rambling, that's my opinion.

Ixchel - posted on 09/06/2011

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Personally, I think that if you choose to be a SAHM and your husband works and provides all the income for the home then it is unfair to ask him to come home and do more work. However, i think that bonding time with his kids is not work. If he has the energy to play games then he could do a game with the kids. I however think and strongly feel a SAHM mother needs strong organizational skills to make it all work and for everyone to feel their needs are all being meet. I do not agree with a father who checks out of the family when he comes home simply because mom stays home the only people who suffer are the children. If mom keeps the house clean and tidy while the kids are in school and has supper ready and homework finished when dad gets home. It would be a very nice evening if dad helped to clear the table quickly while mom started baths then the whole family could watch a nice family show then off to bed for the kids and maybe some relax time for mom and dad. Everybody got family and down time together. Sounds like a nice comprimise We use to run our family this way until severe injury changed things in our house. now most of the house duites fall to my husband I do as much as I can and my children do as much as they can. However before my injury I did everything my husband only carried in the grocery from the store. Since my illness I don;t know what i would do if my husband had not picked up the slack he is truly wonderful. i only wish all husbands were like mine

Izzy - posted on 09/06/2011

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Im a SAHM and i do all the house work. He goes to work. Sometimes he helps me with chores and stuff, but when it comes to our daughter we split the job.

He hates changing dipers and stuff, but I didnt make her all by myself, its only fair he helps up with OUR baby.

Lady Heather - posted on 09/06/2011

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We threw child care in with household chores because it was in the OP Jennifer! I don't think any of us actually think of our kids as being chores. But if you go on the SAHM group there are always ladies on there yammering about their husbands who don't help with the house OR kids. It's bizarre.

Stifler's - posted on 09/06/2011

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my husband mows the lawn and fixes his car and all that. but he enjoys doing the car and stuff.

Jennifer - posted on 09/06/2011

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Um, well, does he take care of the lawn, cars, house repairs and other 'men's work'? If so, he should be cut a bit of slack.....but I do know plenty of women who do EVERYTHING, and that is not right. But I know far more SAHM's who honestly don't do anything. One girl I know divides all the housework right down the middle, after her husband works 50 hours a week he is expected to come home and cook dinner because she has already cooked two meals for their child. (she throws premade stuff in the micrwave!) He is also expected to get up with the baby on the weekends so she can sleep in. He rarely gets to have a break, after work he watches the baby so she can go out! This is not the only couple I know that is like this either! My husband lets me sleep in one day on the weekend, but the other day is his. He rarely cooks, but he would burn water. He does do the manly chores, and use to help around the house if I asked. Now, though, he rarely helps. My kids are 19, 16, 15, 10 and 7. While they are at school, I clean the house and cook. Then I'm bored! On weekends, they have chores, so I am mainly only doing the cooking! He says the kids gotta learn, and we both need a break. I now feel bad because he still works just as hard as ever at his job, but I am so spoiled. This summer was so hot, too, and he works outdoors!



Anyway, ladies who homeschool deserve more help, and those with little children, but it does get better.



Hmmm, reading through the other posts I noticed many threw childcare in with household chores, my husband never had to be asked to care for his children! He was very pleased when our youngest had to be put on a bottle, that way he could do some of the nightime feedings!

Amanda - posted on 09/06/2011

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Yes in reality he should help out. They are his kids and guarenteed his mess too.

When I became a SAHM it was because we couldn't afford to have 2 kids in daycare while I went back to work. I agreed to stay home and look after the kids, not to be expected to do everything just because he goes out to work and I look after the kids.
Of course it never works out like that and I'm sick of hearing, you've been home all day and I've been up since 4.30. Guess what honey, so have I coz you're so damn loud you wake the whole house up and I've had the kids jumping on me coz you put them in my bed so you don't have to deal with them.

I don't give him a choice when he is home now. I cook so he loads the dishwasher, cleans the kitchen over and sweeps the floor. with shopping he either comes and helps or looks after the kids. If he doesn't like the way I clean he can do it himself.

[deleted account]

Absolutely they should help. I expected that we were equal partners (as was agreed upon before marriage... I still have the premarital counseling 'workbooks' to prove it) and somewhere along the line his expectations changed (or he was just a liar all along) and that would be one of the reasons we are no longer married. I didn't perform my 'wifely duties' to his satisfaction. @@

Stifler's - posted on 09/06/2011

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I expect him to do things when he gets home. We eat dinner, he baths Logan, I put Renae to sleep and do the dishes then Logan goes to bed and we watch tv. I usually do all the housework in the 13 hours of the day he's away at work. If it doesn't get done during the day then it doesn't get done because I knock off at 7. On the weekends he helps me get the washing off or cooks, helps tidy the house etc. and gets up to the kids during the night on Saturday night and Sunday morning so I can sleep.

[deleted account]

That's ridiculous johnny, we always agreed that if we both work full time we both do chores, that isn't or at least shouldn't be shocking we live in a modern world where many men are not incapable or unwilling to look after themselves and their families.

Johnny - posted on 09/06/2011

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When I was a SAHM I expected to do the household work for the most part. The cleaning, laundry, cooking, shopping, etc. For me, that was part of the deal. My husband was quite helpful, he'd do laundry if I was busy cooking or pick up some forgotten groceries on his way home. But I viewed being a "housewife" as my job and I tried to make sure I had all my assigned "tasks" under control. He never made me feel unappreciated nor put undue pressure on me though, We work well together in the household sense.

I view parenting tasks as a different ball of wax. So did he. He is just as much a parent as I am, so when he was home from work, it was his opportunity to spend time with our daughter. To play with her, to give her a bath, to read to her, etc. I actually have a hard time understanding the motivations of men who have kids yet have very little to do with them. What's the deal with that?

I will say that my current pet peeve is even though I am back to work full-time, and my husband and I have finally successfully negotiated our share of the responsibilities, I feel that outsiders are still expecting me to continue to manage all the "housewifely" chores myself in addition to working. The other day at the playground I mentioned to an acquaintance that we were just hanging out waiting for [my hubby] to finish vaccuuming and then we were going to the pool. She was seriously horrified that I would "make" him vaccuum. I pointed out that I work full-time too, but apparently that was no excuse. WTF!!

JuLeah - posted on 09/06/2011

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My father used to say, "My job is to put food on the table, nothing else"

And I used to say, but you don't. Mom shops, Mom cooks, Mom sets the table, Mom brings the food to the table and puts it on there. All you do it eat.

We were tight my father and I :) The older I got the less respect for him I had. Pipes bursting, kids screaming, dog throwing up all over the floor ... and him sitting there watching TV. "Hon, bring me a cold one while your're up"
"Kid, get over here and change the chanel for your old man"

Yah, what a guy

[deleted account]

I agree with Mary I expect him to spend time with the kids when he gets home, and he wants to, he baths and plays with the kids, it gives me a break but it also gives him time with them, he also often sorts ethan's tea and regularly cooks ours too.

However, when it comes to cleaning the home unless I explicitly tell him to do something like Hoover he won't. I don't mind though as it is my job, the bit that really pees me off is him not putting laundry in the laundry bin (there are three scattered around our home) or rubbish in the dustbin or leaving dirt in the sink after he has washed or leaving crap in my lounge. I am not his mother I do not pick up after him that is not my job, I am sick of reminding him of this. He does all garden jobs because I do not touch my garden I am not a gardener, I hate it.

So as a sahm I expect to do most of the tidying and childcare but I also expect my hubby to help look after our children and help my cleaning by picking up after himself/ putting stuff where they should be!

[deleted account]

Yeah, being a father should never be an option. We are both parents 100% of the time.

I do the bulk of the housework. I do expect my husband to put his dirty dishes near the sink and his dirty clothes in the hamper. He also does the outside work, which is his downtime, because he enjoys it. But I don't expect him to vacuum or do the laundry...except for those two times when I was first home with a newborn.

Merry - posted on 09/06/2011

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Mary that sounds like my situation too :) as soon as matt gets home Eric is all over him! Daddy play cars? Daddy chase me! Daddy go outside? On and on! Matt barely getsto sit down! But I let him sleep until 830 in the mornings so he's able to rest up sometime :)

[deleted account]

This is a major issue in my house right now. For me, the issue isn't so much "is he helping" as much as it is "is he making things worse". It's hard enough to pick up after four kids, but to have a husband come home and drop his dirty clothes on the kitchen floor or pile loads of dirty dishes in the sink is too much. It's like having a fifth child to take care of and is very, very annoying.

JuLeah - posted on 09/06/2011

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Is he a partner or a roommate?



Is he a father or a sometimes baby sitter?



I agree it was this way in the 1950's ... and were women happy?



I think it depends on what type of relationship he wants with his wife, his children ... respect, trust, kindness, laughter, joy, close bond ... then yah, your primary job is that of a parent and the role you love is that of a partner and father - where you work can be fun too, and I hope for him it is, but that is just a pay check - his life is in his home with his family



If he doesn't want that, just wants to be roommates, and a sometimes baby sitter, then he is doing things just right -



I can't tell you how many women I know that also have a full time job outside the home and still do all the laundry, cooking, cleaning, child care ....



He is a partner or a roommate ... it's simple really



And, he gets weekends off from his 'job' and paid holidays ... two week vacation every year



A stay at home parent is on 24/7 - never gets a break, no vacations, no weekends off - ever.



Family vacations are twice the work, weekends are harder then the weekday - and there is no paid vacation ...

Lady Heather - posted on 09/06/2011

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I expect my husband will help out with the kid in the evening. I don't understand why a man would have kids just to come home and ignore them. And why should I work all night while he only works during the day? That makes no sense. Usually I do the dishes while he gives Freja a bath and reads her stories. That's their time together. He'd never see her otherwise.



He does the odd housework thing during the week (throws in a load of laundry, takes out garbage). I don't like him to do too much because he works 11-12 hour days. On the weekend he takes care of the lawn and household repairs. Sometimes he'll vacuum the basement or something. He makes dinner on Saturday nights.



He doesn't do nothing but I am home all day and can get it mostly done. But he does help and he definitely does kid stuff.

Becky - posted on 09/06/2011

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Just because a father works does not make him any less a father or any less responsible for his children. I definitely feel that a father needs to be spending some time with his kids when he is home from work, whether that be playing with them, reading to them, putting them to bed, whatever works for the family.
Jeff leaves for work before the kids get up in the morning and gets home around 6. We usually sit down to eat shortly afterwards, always as a family. Then, sometimes he plays with the kids in the evening, sometimes he has other stuff to do. If he's busy with stuff in the yard or around the house, I don't mind entertaining the kids for the evening, even though I've had them climbing all over me all day and could use the break! But if he's just on the computer surfing the web, it does annoy me. He could do that after they're in bed! He almost always does bath time and we both put them to bed. It's a little tough, because the boys are both in an "only mommy can do it!" phase. Aargh!
As for housework, I am expected to do the majority, and that is okay, because I am home. Although I'm not the world's greatest housekeeper! :/ During the week, I do the meals and clean up afterwards. I do sometimes wish he'd at least clear his dishes off the table and put the leftovers away, but oh well. On weekends, he'll help out more, and if we have a big cleaning to do, like for company coming over, he helps with that. He rarely spends the evening just sitting on his butt playing games or watching TV - he does the yard work, maintenance around the house, and has been busy building a play centre for the boys this summer. So I really can't complain!

~♥Little Miss - posted on 09/06/2011

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My husband has a 1 1/2 hour commute to work and home. That is 3 hours on the road (or more if trafficc bad), works an 8 hour day, and STILL comes home and helps.

Merry - posted on 09/06/2011

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We both say that being a parent is a 24/7 job. To both parents. He cares for the family by going to work and earning money while I care for the family by being here and doing the house and kid related stuff. When he's don't at work he comes home but he's still working, now it's sort of half work for both of us since it's split between us. So e let's me rest sometimes, I let him rest sometimes, he does chores for me or watches the kids so I can get stuff done.
Neither of us stops working til bed time, but I'm still working in bed! Lol he can't nurse the baby tho so there's no splitting that job!
So, no, he can't come home and be a lazy bum, he doesn't even try. He knows we both work hard all day just in different places. But for the same goal, a happy healthy family.

Sarah - posted on 09/06/2011

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I think that husbands/partners should help out a bit even if they work, but that the person at home for the majority of the time should probably do the lions share of it.

I think that playing with the kids/bathing them/putting them to bed though, is a different kettle of fish to cleaning up and housework.
I would be more pissed off if my husband didn't help out with that kind of thing than with housework. My husband WANTS to spend some time with the kids after work, so he will play and bath etc, not all those things all the time, but he'll always play with them for a bit!!

I only work part-time, so I feel it's my job to keep on top of the housework......however.....I'm crap at cleaning and all that, so I must admit I do the minimum! lol! He knew I was no domestic goddess when he married me though ;)

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