Should i feel bad because i am asking my son's father to pay child support?

Kammee - posted on 04/12/2013 ( 12 moms have responded )

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I found out i was pregnant in 2010 by my boyfriend at the time, when i told him he just left me high and dry. He wouldn't return my phone calls or answer my text, I heard through mutual friends that he had a new girlfriend. Finally when i was about 6 months pregnant he called and wanted to talk so i agreed and he pretty much told me he wanted to sign his rights over etc. I was hurt and so confused why somone could literally be so selfish to abandon a girl that was pregnant with his child and want to give up rights to a baby that he made! So after that i figured the best thing for me and my unborn baby was to move back home which is in another state ( only 3 hours away from his father) I let him and his family know what i was planning on doing. His parents understood and agreed thats where i needed to be, but i promised i would keep them updated on everything. His parents were very nice and have from the start wanted to be in my son's life. So i moved home at 7 months pregnant never heard a word from his father but stayed in touch with his mom. When i had my son i called her and let her know and she told her son that he had a new son. All i got was a text from him 2 weeks later saying "Congrats". Being a new mom was very hard for me and a huge change! I have from day one tried to do everything possible for my son because i feel guilty because its my fault he was born into a broken family from the start. Well i filed for custody and my dad hired a lawyer to do all the paper work and my son's father was served, he didnt bother to respond so it just went into default. He is required to pay $360 child support per month plus 50% of all daycare related cost. I started working full time 2 months after i had my son making barely above miniumun wage but i made sure all my bills were paid and my son had clothes and diapers etc. I did not want to go on welfare because i was capable of working even though i qualify. I have never stopped his parents from coming and seeing there grandchild, and no matter what i can't change who my son's father is so he needs to know his father;'s side of the family. Even thoough in the custody order it states the father is responsible for all transportation when excerising his visiatation rights i would meet his parents half way and let them take him for the day or actually drive him all the way up to them and let them see him.. My son's father never came with his parents or cared to ask how he is doing. Whenever he would get caught working somewhere for them to garnish his wages he would wither quit or just be a bum and not work. Now my son is 2 and he all of a sudden wants to be a dad, well i swallowed my pride (Even though i would love to say no because of how he has treated my son and I) and let him see him and told him PLEASE if your really want to be a father to our son PLEASE PLEASE be consistent don't just see him once and then go 6 months without seeing him, its to hard on our son and confusing if he there and then not. Well he promised he was going to see him every other weekand and be a consistent presence in our son's life. He also had a job and ORS started garnishing his wages well he took him ONCE and come to find out he was just trying to impress a new girlfriend and since they broke up he had no use for my son anymore! I was so hurt especially for my son! And to make matters even better he just up and quit his job telling me he is going to start school full time so he wont be paying child support for 4 years! I have tried so many times to work with him and give him chance after chance to get on his feet but when i say "Hey you need to start paying child support" He tells me im selfish and that im only concerned about myself not about my son or else i wouldnt be asking for money. Well i want to be able to move out of my parents house one day but i can't when i am using every last dime that i make to support both me and my son. IS it to much to ask for him to help? I finally decided i was going to take him for contempt of court this last month for not paying child support/daycare/hospital bills and when he got served he has not stopped texting me telling me i am the worst human being ever, all im trying to do is suck him dry of all his money, it's my fault for moving back home and im the reason why he doesn't get to see his son becasuse i MADE the choice to move away, he will make sure to tell his son when he gets older how i kept him from him and thats why he was never around (Which is such a lie i have always encouraged visitations with his son and NEVER have said no to him or his parents reagrding visitation) Well his mother called saying that she was going to call ORS and make a 200 dollar payment towards child support basically if i would drop the contempt charges, i told her no i'm sorry but my son's father needs to be held responisble for taking care of his son etc. I have given him plenty of chances and he just has excuse after excuse of why he can't pay etc. Well since i refused to drop the contempt charges he never paid the money she said she would, i just dont get it do they think raising a kid is free? Why do they make me feel like i am being greedy and selfish to ask for help supporting my son? Why does my son's father get to go out everynight, date, never being responsible when i didnt get pregnant on my own? Then come to find out my son's father bought a motorcycle last summer, goes to concerts, went on a Cruise in feburary with his family to Hondurus and he proudly posts all this stuff on facebook! So now as the days get closer to the court hearing i have decided to put my foot down and not accomadate them as much as i use too. If they want to see there grandchild then they can come pick him up and bring him back as per the custody order. I dont have the money to spend driving so they can see there grandchild.They never give me gas money and they just expect i should meet them or accomadate them whenever. Sorry for the book i just wrote but i wanted to give the jist of everything so you guys can give me ur best advice. Am i wrong to demand my son's father pay child support?

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Jodi - posted on 04/12/2013

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You are not wrong in upholding the court ordered child support. Don't feel bad about it. Stick to your guns and hold him responsible. Ignore the threats and rants. Be strong and stand up for your baby.

Kristi - posted on 04/14/2013

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Good for you for not backing down! So many women have been/are in similar situations and cave to the pressure or fall for the manipulation. Being a single parent is not easy. It sounds like you've been doing all the right things so far. So many people think visitation and child support go hand in hand so they try to use the child as a bartering chip. You are clearly not doing that. Your son's father thinks that way though. If he doesn't see him, he doesn't have to pay for him. He's talking a big game to make you question yourself and your motives. Don't. You know the decisions you are making are for your son's best interest, your son will know it, too...if it is ever really a question. Your son deserves and needs, at bare minimum, financial support from both parents and that is the only support the courts can "force." Keeping fighting the good fight...

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Susan - posted on 05/12/2013

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Hard on him?

No. Stick his butt in jail. In most states, it isn't even up to you, but to the D.A. But I would call Child Support Enforcement or your lawyer or whoever is in charge of your case and let them know he bought the motorcycle and is going on cruises. Tell the DA that it's all on facebook. They have such problems getting enough evidence sometimes and so many men just go free, they'll be glad to be able to throw one in jail for a while.

You are being fair - MORE than fair. If he doesn't want to see his son, fine. But that has nothing to do with child support. He decided to have sex (unless you forced him!). Therefore he is responsible for the consequences of that act - i,e. your munchkin.

I would let the grandparents know that you hold no ill will towards them, and you appreciate that they obviously care for their grandson. But I would also let them know that there are times that you can't afford to bring the baby and could they please come and pick him up? It sounds like they are at least trying.

Conniemarie - posted on 05/07/2013

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DO NOT FELL GUILTY!!!!
HE made the CHOICE to have sex with you and is obviously intelligent enough to know how to make, or not, a baby.

he dosent want to be involved, fine. his loss. That DOES NOT give him the right to be finicially irresponsible. If he didnt want an unplanned baby, he should have taken the correct actions!!!!!

Melissa - posted on 05/07/2013

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My 2 cents...

First, its a court order. The paperwork is there so when the scumbag does work or whatever, they will garnish his wage. Its never going to go away. BUT, that said, never expect the money; learn to live without it. When it does come, then its a bonus. My stepmom was in the same situation with her ex and my stepsister. She never really saw the money but had moved on in her life and was that much happier because she let it lie as it would and found my dad.

Secondly, you can typically limit the biological father's access to the child while awarding court ordered grandparent visitation rights. We had a family friend do just this because they were heavily involved in their grandchildren's lives and were in disbelief over how their own child treated the kids. So, if you feel that relationship is good and salvageable, run with it.

Change your number and delete and block the ass off of Facebook. The sooner you let it go and stop thinking of your son's needs as a financial burden, the happier you'll be. Your son is a blessing and came into your life for a reason. By being a strong, take charge mom, you'll teach him that women deserve to be respected and his sperm donor was simply that - a sperm donor.

Do as one of the previous posters said - find some educational programs for single moms and go to school! The best thing you can do to empower yourself and your son is get educated! It will be a tough road to travel, but the reward will be worth every struggle in the end. You'll end off in a significantly better position in the end and you'll have all the opportunity to provide everything your son needs including your own place to live and your own independence from your parents.

So, the long and short - don't let the court order die, but switch your thinking. Its you and your son and NOTHING should ever interfere in that relationship. Its also up to you to decide how you're going to forage a path in life, so dig deep, muster up the courage and do what you need to do for YOU. Eliminating the negative is freeing!

Tammy - posted on 05/06/2013

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You are too nice of a person! I can't believe how nice you are to the father's family! They are so using you!!! Your son does not need that kind of person for a father, nor those kinds of grandparents. I think that you should just move on, get on with your life and forget about them. See if you can get some kind of government funded education and make something out of your life for yourself and your son, so that you don't have to depend on nobody.

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he helped make the child and so he is at least partly responsible for caring for it. since he is likely a poor influence on him, he should at least financially support the child to some extent.

Tracy - posted on 05/02/2013

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This sounds a fair amount like my situation 16 years ago. The father was around only enough to cause problems or impress somebody he just met. I always told him to either be here or don't - I don't care which, but be consistent. I'm not gonna track you down and make you be a daddy. I told him to pay what he honestly can afford to help with and that I wasn't out to make sure he suffers but that we need financial help too. None of this was ever good enough for the guy. He would make our son sit on the couch and wait for him only to never show up. Crap like that. Dodge child support and I would be at every single court hearing about child support trying to enforce that he either pay or be reprimanded for not paying. I even told him if he would rather put "child support" into a monthly account that only our son can access when he's grown up, that I would LOVE that (in case he thought I was just blowing the money). A college fund that I can't afford to give, ya know? Anyway, I fought the good fight for a few years and took time off work, stressed, cried, complained, worried about whether child support would ever show up (and it never did...16 years and MAYBE $500 thanks to unemployment auto deductions... he even made me go in half on buying a crib mirror...$20 total - $10 each). I finally had to come to a decision: will I be happier with the money or happier if I let it go? My answer, for ME, was I would be happier if I let it go (LOL, I wasn't getting money anyway...) It's been 10+ years since that decision and it was one of the best attitude adjustments I have ever made for myself. Does he get away scott-free? Sure. He hasn't seen our son since he was 6 (aside from ONE attempted arrangement when our son was 10 - that wasn't a great visit and our son decided he didn't want anything more from him). Do I care that this man gets to roam the globe happy and unattached while I am responsible for his child? Not in the slightest. It's not his child by any means except blood. I still struggle for money like crazy and always will. Trying to get money from this man wouldn't change that fact. Getting $180/month (last awarded amount) would help, but it's not worth the problems it causes. I could donate plasma for that much each month and be all the happier for it. My advice to you is to make sure the owed child support is on record, that should he work that ORS is aware to take the money. Beyond that, let it go. Not for him. Not for his family. But let it go for yourself AND your son. You will be a happier and more available mommy if you aren't always out there "fighting the good fight" (with respect to Kristi!)

~♥Little Miss - posted on 05/01/2013

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Oh and I would not be letting the grandparents take that child any where. They want to visit? They can come to your house.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 05/01/2013

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This guy is a twat. Stick it to him as hard as you fucking possibly can for as much money as you can. I would not answer his text any more or read them. He is a low life piece of trash. Let him pay. MAKE him pay.

Liz - posted on 04/15/2013

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I think you're absolutely right to do as you've been doing and good for you for not being a doormat in this situation. You are sticking up for your son and for yourself. Stay strong and hang in there; don't give in to his attempts at manipulation.

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