Should I have a say so?

Bri - posted on 08/19/2011 ( 13 moms have responded )

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DSS has treated my DH horribly over the phone the past few weeks when at his BM's , he is only 6, everytime DH calls he says "don't wanna talk etc" never the case before, I dont see how he has soo much hatred against his own BD, we have lots of fun, go to the park, out to eat, we shop, dance around, color together, we play video games together, we go to myrtle beach etc....



He jjust seems so hateful for the age of 6 (almost 7) anything we can do? As a SM should I have a say so!!?? I feel like telling this "B****!" off its quite obviously there is some serious alienating going on. should kids know about adult fights? i surely dont think so

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Tara - posted on 08/21/2011

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My 6 year old rarely if ever wants to talk to her dad when he calls, which is often. It's not that she has any hatred toward him or that she doesn't care etc. it's just that to her it's no big deal to talk to him when she will see him soon anyway, and for a 6 year old, almost 7 year old, talking to an adult, any adult on the phone is usually boring.
And no you have no say, and if you decide you do have a say, you will regret it.

Lacye - posted on 08/19/2011

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No. You don't have a say. He is not your child. You may love him like he is, but he's not. I understand it's hard to look at it this way, I have a step daughter, but you have to. This situation is between your husband and his ex. Your interference will only make things worse.

Krista - posted on 08/19/2011

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No, kids should not know about adult fights, but no, you should not have a say so. This is between your husband and his son. The most you can do is encourage them to talk to each other -- but other than that, you need to let the two of them work it out.

The next time he DOES visit, maybe your husband should spend some time alone with him and just talk to him gently and ask him why he doesn't want to talk to him when he calls.

[deleted account]

maybe he just doesnt want to be on the phone. He may want to be playing or something else. When i was away, my little brother wouldnt talk to me on the phone. He would pass me off to someone else. I was insulted, but when i came home, he was ecstatic to see me.

Tanya - posted on 08/21/2011

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Is him not wanting to talk the only way he is "treating his father horribly?" Because I have a 6-year-old, and when he is watching tv, or busy playing, he doesn't want to talk on the phone either! Not to anybody!


I'm 29, and I hate talking on the phone! I don't say so, because I have a "filter", but 6-year-olds don't have that yet.

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Sherri - posted on 08/20/2011

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@Julianne

DSS - Darling Step Son
DH - Darling Husband
BM- Birth Mother
BD- Birth Dad

Amber - posted on 08/20/2011

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My son's dad is away with the military right now. We are still very much a couple and talk as frequently as possible on the phone. I encourage the relationship between my son and his father. I offer the phone to him every time I talk to Chad.
Christian still refuses most of the time. He just doesn't want to talk to him on the phone. He'll even tell me that he'll talk to him when he comes home..... Then, when Chad gets to visit, Christian acts as if dad never left. He's a happy, giggling, daddy's boy.

So, this could have absolutely nothing to do with the BM and everything to do with the child. I'm encouraging my child to talk to his dad and reminding him that daddy loves and misses him all the time...it doesn't make a difference.

Jane - posted on 08/19/2011

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He isn't your child so you have no legal right to do anything. It also would cause more problems than it solves. Instead, be a good mom to the boy when he is in your company, give your husband any support he needs, and help him figure out how to deal with the situation.

Stifler's - posted on 08/19/2011

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A say so about what? Telling her off will only make things worse. Like the others said he is probably just going through a phase of being shy on the phone. My brother used to refuse to talk to me on the phone at that age for no reason but would talk to Damo and I would pretend to be my husband just so I could hear his voice.

Ez - posted on 08/19/2011

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I agree with the others. No, you don't have a say. Your job as a step-parent is to support your husband in his relationship with his son. Give your husband the opportunity to talk about it if he wants. Make it possible for him to spend some one-on-one time with his son. But stay out of the drama.



Also, he is only a little boy. I seriously doubt he is intentionally being hateful. He is probably just confused and feeling insecure, especially if his mother is making him aware of any animosity. You getting involved will only make the situation 10x worse. Instead, work on providing a safe, loving environment when he is with you. Help him feel wanted. Help him relate to his father by allowing their relationship to grow at his own pace.

Krista - posted on 08/19/2011

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And don't forget that some kids are really weird about not wanting to talk on the phone. When my nephews were about that age, Santa Claus himself could have been on the phone, but you offered them the receiver, and it was "Nooooo!" and they'd run away.

So it might just be a kid thing, really. If he and his dad get along well and have fun during visits, as well as good bonding quiet time, then I wouldn't make too big a deal out of the phone call thing.

[deleted account]

Ditto Krista.

I will add that I have one daughter that when she is w/ her father (only a couple times/year) she won't talk to me on the phone MOST of the time. She also usually refuses to talk to her father when he calls her here. It's just the way she is w/ us and the phone calls. My ex has, in the past, tried to blame me for her not wanting to talk and 'turning her against him', but... hello? she does the same thing to me!

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