Should i have to ask my husband for money even if i work?

Caroline - posted on 11/30/2012 ( 18 moms have responded )

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Hi Eveyone, I,ve been married for 14 years i have two girls one 15 and one 9, i work 21 hours a week come out with about £700 which i get paid monthly. My husband gets paid weekly so my wages cover the big bills for the month - so i do not see a penny of my wages at all.



I have to ask my husband for money have done for 14 years and i'm getting so down and depressed with it as everytime i ask he says what do you want that for you are only going to work you dont need it so hence he does not give it to me.



The last straw was a few weeks ago i was going to Derby with work in my car on a training course i asked my husband for car parking money, his response was you don't need money as there are no car parking levies in Derby, I did not know this but would have been nice to have a little bit of change in my purse incase of.

I feel so frustrated at times my children get more money than i do (Pocket money) I feel like i am in a no win situation. I have had enough to tell you the truth i don't ask for any money now as i am just so fed up of the response. What should i do next?



Unsure if this should be on the debate bit as all i am really asking for is help on how to deal with this or who would i need to go to for help? :-(

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Kristi - posted on 12/07/2012

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You shouldn't have to ask whether you're employed outside the home or not. Not in the manner you're talking about here.



I'm on disability so I only receive a small check once a month. While I was still married to my 2nd husband, I paid the house payment. He was the main money maker but I used our money when and where I needed to. Now if I needed to buy something I didn't usually buy every month, like clothes or video games, then I would check with my husband to make sure he didn't have anything "extra" he needed and out of mutual respect. Even though he made all the money, he would do the same with me, of course he would be asking for things for his car... ; )



Your husband sounds controlling. Does he alienate you from your friends and family? How is he with your children? You are an individual person. You are supposed to be equals. Stand up for yourself. You can do it. As the others said, you are not a child and you don't deserve to be treated like one. If he refuses to compromise then do what the other moms suggested as well, pay yourself first.

Cass - posted on 12/06/2012

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keep some work money for yourself, and tell him its now his responsibility to pay ____ bills. if he wants a reason, its pretty simple, if you aren't happy & feeling free then the relationship will never last regardless of his controlling behavior. he doesnt want you to have financial freedom, fears your freedom and his lack of control, and is power tripping every time you ask and he says no. also just be strong. if he says you don't need it, tell him you do need it and to shut the fuck up.

Jdsmith - posted on 12/31/2012

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Start getting the check directly deposited into 2 accounts. One for just you and the other for the family. Also find out what he is spending money on. If it is not just bills and necessities, then maybe it is time for you to lean on him a little. 14 years of marriage should buy you a little clout in the family, more so since you also work.

Cecilia - posted on 12/29/2012

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I would say first to talk to him, explain your money all goes to bills and that you feel that it is unfair to you. Maybe ask him to take a bill or two to be fair. Is there a reason he doesn't trust you with money? Maybe ask him why he does it. It could be he never realized he was hurting your feelings by doing so.

In our house my checks also go to paying bills with very little left. (or sometimes not enough) He spends his money to pay off his credit cards. We have a 3rd account for sharing. I feel for you though. I have a husband who tries to spend money on me all the time and i yell at him for it and want to return things because of cost. I guess in some aspect i'm your husband. the one who has to watch the bottom line. Maybe i make my husband feels bad with the way i act.

Kathy - posted on 12/07/2012

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I would sit your husband down and point out that you are both adults and both should have access to the money. .



There are a couple of different set-up than could work, but here is what we do:



We have one joint account. Both of our pay checks go in there (and his is quite a bit larger - I work part time). He tends to pay the bills as they come in from the account, and many are set to automatic removal. The rest of the money in the account is there for either of us to use as we see fit. Almost all of it goes to such exciting things as gas and food. Some goes to lattes and the like. If either of us wants to purchase a non-necessity for over about 75 dollars we clear it with the other first. I think this scenario works well when both partners have similar spending styles.



Some people have 3 accounts - one for household expenses (all fixed expenses plus regular expenses - such as groceries and gas), plus one for each adult, where the remainder of the money (i.e. the "play" money) is deposited. It could be 50/50 or according to need. In this scenario you need access to the household account plus your account. I think this works well when spending styles do not match, or when one partner tends to get controlling over little things (like parking money!)



If he will not see reason, get your bank account, have your pay put in it, and then give him the appropriate amount to cover bills, ideally giving you both similar amounts of play money.



Good luck, Caroline, and talk to your partner. This situation is unfair to you (it would make resentful) and dangerous if there is ever an emergency.

18 Comments

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Craig - posted on 06/23/2014

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Both you and your husband can both place 700 each into an account so that you will have 1,400 for all the bills (I take it that your monthly bills are less then 1,400), what ever is left you split 50/50. That is straight up, both pay equally for the bills and both have the same amount after for themselves. Or you could work more hours or ask for a raise or find a better job if you need even more money per month.

Julie - posted on 01/06/2013

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I am sorry your husband is treating you like a child. The reality is, you have fallen into the roll and now you have to pull yourself out.
Open an individual checking/savings account (same bank as your husbands). Take the account number to your employer and sign up for direct deposit to that account. Then YOU transfer funds, say 600.00 into your husbands/joint account.
Tell your husband what you have done and why. He should take you seriously from there, and besides you should be building your own credit report anyway. Many women do sneak and top off, but this is YOUR HARD EARNED cash, and you should be IN CHARGE of how much he gets.

Caroline - posted on 01/04/2013

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hi thank you for your reply - we have a joint account- i am aloud to use it for food shopping. This all sounds so simple - but to be honest i don't think i am strong enough! - surpose scared. My husband is absolutly great with the children - they get more than myself. I have come to the point where i think i might need to move on for my own insanity. Ive just got to pluck up the courage to do so. Anything like sticking up for my rights is so not my strong point and never has been. But yes i know i need to make a stand - You have all been so helpful and encouraging thank you so much. I really do appreciate all your coments. :-)

Nikki - posted on 12/07/2012

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I have never had to ask my husband for money, we have an everyday account, a savings account and a credit card. Both our wages get divided between the three accounts, bills get paid first then we spend as we see accordingly. For large purchases I will discuss it with him, or if I was spending the last hundred before payday I am considerate and ask if he needs any money before we get paid.



I would be looking into marriage counseling, he is clearly trying to control you with money, which is not acceptable. You work, you raise children and look after the house you are entitled to have money to spend on yourself if you can afford it, let alone for parking. Does he spend money on himself?



If you can't seek help for yourself seek it so that you can be a positive role model for your girls. I am certain from one mother to another that you do not want your girls to end up in a controlling relationship. You need to step up and show them how you and they deserve to be treated with respect and compassion.

K. - posted on 12/06/2012

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I agree with Little Miss. You are earning your own money, and it seems as if he is attempting to control that too. You deserve A LOT as a housewife. Like LIttle Miss said, you are not a child. You should not have to ask for allowances. The two of you are a team, it's time he started acting like it.



Unfortunatley though, I've seen a lot of this. I was at one point the insecure one. There came a time however, when I said "Screw you" to anyone that was going to bring me down. If you like me, and want to be with me, you are going to treat me like an equal. And eventually I met the man who did, and we've been married for almost 6 years now. Not a long time, I know, but a long time for me.



Bottom line, you are not a child, either is he. Act like it.

Barbara - posted on 12/04/2012

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I am amazed that you have been married for 14 years and you are just talking about it now! When we first got married we talked about how the house would be run and how the checking account would be worked up. We have 3 checking accounts. 1st one we use for the house and bills. The 2nd one is his and the 3rd one is mine. What is mine is mine. Of course when I am working full time I put 70% of my salary into the 1st account and 30% goes into my account. When I am working part time (now) I put into the 1st account around 60% because I need money for extras that go to me (sometimes the kids) my husband is the bread winner and he knows he is always going to put around 75 to 80% in the checking account. If I should have extra money I do usually give it to him for some extra things. But my husband does pay for most of the bills.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/01/2012

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Well, then maybe your should stop paying the big bills, and keeping a bit of money in your own account. Sorry to say, sounds like he is intentionally trying to control what you can and cannot do. I would sit down and explain to him that you will not live like this any longer, and that half of your paycheck will go into your own account so you do not need to ask for an allowance like a child any longer.

Tracey - posted on 11/30/2012

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Could you have a joint acount where you both pay a percentage of earnins to cover all bills, then you both have spending money. Who gets the child benefit, could this be paid into your account?

America3437 - posted on 11/30/2012

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Take the money you need off the top of your check. It is as simple as withdrawing a little bit and putting it in your purse. If he isn't willing to give you any of his then use yours and let him worry about paying that bill like you have to worry about spending money. It's not like you want to go blow it on bubble gum and shoes but if you did then you worked for it so use it!

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