Should I revoke the God Mother status?

Melissa - posted on 06/03/2011 ( 31 moms have responded )

441

41

31

My son is just under 18 months old. His God Mother is one of my best friends. When I got pregnant she was more involved than anyone. I was single (long dramatic story - bf was cheating with my bff ... they're now married x_x) so she was around a lot, she came to my dr appts, she spent a lot of time with me, etc. After my son was born she came by every week or two to spend time with him. I told her from the get-go that being a God Mother is a very important role in my eyes; I'm entrusting her to care for my child and take on the responsibility of raising him should (God forbid) something happen to me.

After about ... I'd say 4 months, she just stopped coming around. She didn't ask about him, didn't ask to see him, nothing. We still spoke nearly every day, her time was just filled with more important things like playing pool and going out to bars with her other friends. Let me clarify - I don't expect her to put my son on any pedistal or make him a top priority, but I do expect her to have a relationship and bond with him, and I don't think that's an unfair expectation.

Through out his first year there were 2 times I asked her to take him over night - once so I could have a night out, and once because I was moving and wanted to try and get things done nice and quickly. She obliged, and showered him with gifts and everything, he seemed to have a great time, but then that was it! When his birthday came around she came, brought him the best gift out of anyone (a huge toy chest), and then that was it again. The following month was my birthday, so we went out to dinner, and I talk to her (nicely) about really wishing she would spend more time with him. I wasn't asking her to take him off my hands or take him for weekends or anything, just come around and hang out and let him know her! I told her I would trade any and every thing she's every bought him, if it only meant he could know her. She said she understood and she'd be sure to spend more time with him. She came by the next week to hang out with us, aaaand then that was it! That was back in January. I've asked her to take him once since then, not ever night, just for an afternoon while I was at work (he usually comes with me but I knew it was going to be a VERY busy day and I didn't think that was fair to him). She ignored me, then a week later asked to take him, then blew that off, then asked to take him the following week, then blew that off. My son is a very friendly little boy, he'll run up to people and give big hugs and kisses. He does it with customers at our family store, family members, friends, even people I don't see too often. But we see her SO seldom, he hides behind me when she comes in. He does not know her! And I've told her it bothers me that THAT is his reaction, and it's like she just doesn't care.

Would you "revoke" her rights as God Mother?? I don't want to be that person that's just like "you don't get to be God Mommy anymore", but realistically I feel my son deserves more. Am I just being overly needy? How would you react?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Jenn - posted on 06/03/2011

2,683

36

96

Sounds to me like she's still being a good friend. She didn't have a kid, you did, so her life hasn't changed and she still wants to go out and live her own life, but it sounds like you still see her regularly enough. I don't have any friends who I see ALL the time, like daily, but that would be too much anyway. I'm always busy doing something, but hanging out with friends still happens often enough, and we also chat on line and talk on the phone sometimes. I think maybe you're just expecting a bit too much of her.

Dana - posted on 06/05/2011

11,264

35

495

There's really a big difference between agreeing to be a God mother and then actually doing it when reality hits. She has no kids, she's not going to see it the same way you do.

At this point I'm really unsure what you want to hear. It still seems like you just want people to agree with your expectations but, they do seem a little high, imo.

Why do you actually have to revoke her rights or status, verbally. Why can't you just stop expecting these things from her and accept that she is the way she is. People change.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 06/04/2011

21,273

9

3058

Ok, you are NOT going to like my reaction. If you chose a Godparent, they are religious guidence and they are suppose to take your children if you die and they are still children. Usually you find a family member for this task, becouse if you do follow religion, it means a lot and it is an honor. I am SURE it is an honor for your friend, and it sounds like she is a great person. You need to cut her some slack. What if she was everything you dreamed of in a godparent, had children of her own and could not tend to your son the way you wish then???? Would you consider "revoking" it then? I think you are being very selfish and rude. She is being a Godparent the way she feels is right, you should have thought harder about who you chose. Someone who shares your religious beliefs, and parenting styles.

I think it is totally immature and rude that you are throwing a tantrum about how you THINK she should be treating your child....which in my opinion, you are acting like you are the only person in the world with a child, and should be the center of his attention. Not true. She has a life, and chances are, you are in fact, you probably are the reason she is not as active as you would like.....you have pushed her away yourself.

If you revoke her as a Godparent, expect to lose a friend...which you should lose her if you do that. Big ass slap in the face, and a stab in the back.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 06/05/2011

21,273

9

3058

Melissa actually you did..in your question "Would you "revoke" her rights as God Mother?? I don't want to be that person that's just like "you don't get to be God Mommy anymore", but realistically I feel my son deserves more. Am I just being overly needy? How would you react?"

Dana - posted on 06/05/2011

11,264

35

495

I wouldn't "revoke" her rights. I would just quit making demands on her that she's obviously not committed to giving.

This conversation has been closed to further comments

31 Comments

View replies by

~♥Little Miss - posted on 06/05/2011

21,273

9

3058

Melissa, you are not the only one with a child that has been dissappointed by friends that are childless....do you seriously think you are a lone ranger in that circumstance???? I just told you about my BIL and SIL, my BIL is BLOOD RELATED to my child, and he does not see him often or take him out. Really seriously, I get what you are saying. You seem like you are so self centered about your child and you that no one could POSSIBLY relate to your situation. I could tell you stories about my situation that would make steam come out of your ears. There is nothing you say that would make me think "revoking her rights or status" as a godparent would be ok. Let her live her life, and stop trying to control what she does simply because you disapprove. If you do not want her to have your child if you die, write a fucking will.

Melissa - posted on 06/05/2011

441

41

31

I can't believe so many people are getting angry over the fact that I simply expect my son to know his god mother. In the event that anything were to happen to me and he were to go live with her, it bothers me to think he'd not only be losing his mother, but be going into the care of a complete stranger.

Melissa - posted on 06/05/2011

441

41

31

Marina, I do fully understand what you're saying. It's really hard to acurately portray the situation because it's so lengthy and filled with so much detail it's really difficult to explain it all without writing a novel. We've been best friends for years, she's always been really close with my family, I've always been really close with hers. She's always been very family oriented, very responsible, and she really really WANTED to be my sons God Mother when I was pregnant. Even to this day she says she expects that she and my mother are the only people I should ask to babysit, because she understands how hard it is to trust people with your own child. But in the past year or so, she's really been changing. She's not hanging out with her friends anymore, she's not working, she's hanging out with a younger crowd and acting really irresponsibly, she's blowing all of her savings by spending it on all of her friends, I just don't know what to do. Yes, I did mention that she's bought my son a lot of things, and that's very kind of her and no a lot of people would not do that, but my issue with that is that she tends to buy EVERYONE lots of things either as a way of winning their affections or making them like her. She doesn't do it on purpose, it's a character flaw, but as part of that she seems to feel that if she buys him things it makes up for him not knowing her, and in truth it does not. She used to look forward to seeing us, she used to look forward to us going to see her or us all going out together, not only because she got to see him but because she and I got to spend quality time together too; gossiping, making one another laugh, or simply talking about past experiences together. But since she's been going through these changes, she's not only not interested in seeing my son, she's not interested in hanging out with me (unless I'm going to the bar with her and her new friends). I just question whether or not she's who I would want to fill that role anymore. Like I said, he hides from her, and he doesn't do that with ANYONE ELSE (no exaggeration what so ever). I have questioned whether or not I'm expecting too much, or whether I'm being a bitch or not, but I really can not fathom how my wanting my son to know his god mother is asking too much. Even if we saw her for a short afternoon once every other month! But it's really upsetting when we don't see her for months and months on end, and then when we do think we're going to see her, she blows us off because something better came up.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 06/05/2011

21,273

9

3058

People are trying to give you an honest perspective, that you cannot see. Not many of us would do such a thing, and not many of us would expect your childless friend to act the way you expect. If you don't want her as godparent anylonger, you need to find someone else that lives up to your standards, go back to the church, have another baptism...and have the new person named as godparent. I think it is a shitty thing to do, but for fucks sake, it is your kid......YOUR KID not hers. Do what you want, but don't expect people to agree with you.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 06/05/2011

21,273

9

3058

I am gonna slightly retract my statement....we have my BIL and SIL as godparents to my son...they do not have kids...but they are married and are very ready for kids....but have had no success getting pregnant.

They have never taken my son by themselves out, and he is 5. They would only see him at the grandparents house, would shower him with gifts, but I know how much they love him. It sometimes bothers me that they do not spend more time with him...but I would NEVER take away them being godparents. Give me a break.

Melissa - posted on 06/05/2011

441

41

31

well then that was mistyping, and my mistake, but the heading of the post clearly says "Should I revoke the God Mother status?"

~♥Little Miss - posted on 06/05/2011

21,273

9

3058

Seriously, we all understand what you are saying....I think you are missing that point. But you are missing the point that people without kids tend to act differently to people WITH kids....even if they are best friends, brothers and sisters...it is just a different perspective. You really needed to think about who you would want for a godparent the way you think they should act. I would NEVER have picked a godparent that did not already understand what it meant to have a child.

Melissa - posted on 06/05/2011

441

41

31

I never said revoke her "rights", I said status. And she had given this commitment. When I was pregnant we spoke at length on what we both felt the "responsibilities" of a God Parent are, and we were in full agreement at that point. I don't feel asking her to spend time with him every once in a while (I've asked her to see him 3 times in the last YEAR) is a demand. Asking in and of itself is lacking of demand. And I think when she's in town roughly 5 days of the week anyways, I don't think I'm out of line in asking her out on a lunch date or asking her to stop by to say hi every now and again.

[deleted account]

Plain and simple- you are wasting your time and energy by begging/pleading her to be part of your son's life. Just simply move forward with life. Whatever she does in her life is normal for the young, single, care-free lifestyle of wanting to have fun. Yup-let her make her bad decisions. One day she will tire of this lifestyle-maybe not, but it's time to move on. Don't bother saying anything to her, just move on.

Melissa - posted on 06/05/2011

441

41

31

I don't think people are really understanding the situation. Maybe I didn't explain it properly. She's seen him MAYBE 4 times since he was 4 months old. He's now 18 months. She showers him with gifts when she sees him, yes, but she does that to everyone. She tends to think if she buys a person enough things, she'll win their affections. And to the person who said it sounds like I see her on a regular basis, I don't. I've seen her maybe 4 times in over a year, I simply talk to her via text on a regular basis. And yes, in our family the God Parent is who takes the child if anything happens to the parents. I have spoken to her twice now about my wanting her to see him more (even if it is just once a month). I've told her I'd rather he know her than simply have materialistic objects from her. How meaningful can they be if he has no idea who the person he got them from is? Whenever he sees anyone he runs up to them with open arms and gives them big kisses, with her, he hides behind my leg because he has no clue who she is. I do understand she has her own life, I'm not asking her to take him every weekend or make him a huge priority, but as his God Mother I DO expect him to at least know her well enough to not want to hide on the rare occassion she does show up! She's changed a lot in the past year. She quit her job, she started hanging out with a much younger crowd, she's blowing all of her savings on taking all of her new, underage friends to concerts and buying them beer, it's very disheartening. We used to spend a lot of time together, now I never see her. Yes, I talk to her regularly, but she never asks about my son, she texts me with a picture of some guy she's talking to, tell me about him, then I don't hear from her until she has more gossip to spill. I'm not asking her to be like a mother to him, I'm asking her to allow him to know her. I've suggested things like "hey can I take you out to lunch? you, me and paddy can have a little afternoon together" or "hey I'm bringing paddy to the beach, want to come?" and i get ignored. I recently asked if she could take him (it's probably the 3rd time i've ever asked her to watch him) and she completely blew me off, then for the following 2 weeks said she wanted to take him, and blew me off both weeks. i don't understand how people think i'm asking her to be like a mother to him simply because i want the person who made this commit to him to simply see him every once in a while.

[deleted account]

Unfortunately that's the sad reality of how friendships change when one becomes a parent. Frienships tend to drift apart, epsecially if one of you has a child, and the other does not. Her lifestyle did not change-yours did! I also happen to agree with the statement that the title of Godmother is usually reserved for a religious notion of committing the child to a Christian upbringing, with the Godparents as spiritual leaders. Is that what you were seeking from this friend? Or more of a role of "Auntie"? In any event, let's play devil's advocate. You spew your concerns to her-revoke her title as Godmother. She's hurt, your hurt. You will never get back the same friendship you had previously! She moves on with her life, minus you & your child. Now what?!

Elfrieda - posted on 06/04/2011

2,620

0

462

It sounds like you think she should be like a mother to him, but I think she's doing fine. She's probably tired of all the baby stuff, just like you and I get tired of it, but we can't stop because they're our babies.

I think that it would be a mistake to alienate her right now. Your baby demands a lot of your attention right now, and it might just be more than she can handle to be right there with you. It sounds like she cares about the two of you very much, so I'd wait a few years and see how it goes. Most people can bond much better with little kids than with babies, so I don't think it means anything that she and your 18 month old aren't best friends right now.

[deleted account]

Honestly - if someone was as pushy as you seem to be I'd run a mile. Your exaggerated expectations would totally frighten me off. I can understand that you are disappointed, but it's not up to you to shape their relationship with each other. She sounds like a good friend.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 06/04/2011

21,273

9

3058

I think she sounds like she loves your son very much. Cut her some slack. You do not need to dictate how others see fit how to show their love to your son.

Mary - posted on 06/04/2011

153

0

21

I think she has shown that she cares for your son. I think it might ruin your friendship if you tell her she can't be his God mother anymore. I agree w/ Jenn and I also think that you should listen to your gut. It's your child you are intrusting someone else to care for if something were to happen to you. If you don't feel she is fit, than that's your answer. good luck!

April - posted on 06/04/2011

3,420

16

263

imo, it's just a title. my god parents never even bought me anything or treated me extra special. they were just people that got to take part in a special ceremony when i was an infant. nothing ever progressed beyond that. sadly, my godmother is my mom's sister and my godfather is my dad's brother. they are my flesh and blood, but they're both like strangers to me. i'd feel very awkward if one of them were to give me a hug. consider your son lucky that this woman is part of his life from time to time. they aren't going to be best buddies, but they certainly won't be strangers either. i don't think you should revoke her status as godmother. i think your son is lucky to have someone who is willing to be there even part time.

Jenn - posted on 06/04/2011

2,683

36

96

Mel - you don't think she shows she cares? "Showering him with gifts", taking him over night, etc. - that sounds like more than most friends would do. What exactly do you expect from a Godparent? I don't have any Godparents for my kids, but if something were to happen to us, the kids would go live with my sister. She currently lives in Schimmert, NL, so it's not like they spend time with her or really know her a whole lot - especially since they're so young - but it doesn't mean that they wouldn't be loved and cared for, and that's all that matters.

[deleted account]

Make a will leaving your child to someone who cares but leave the godmother status as it is. There isnt any point causing a fuss over something that will probably never happen and if it does happen and your dead she cant change your will or shout at you so problem solved.

Lacye - posted on 06/04/2011

2,011

31

164

God mothers do not automatically get custody of the child if something happens to the mother. If the father is still alive, he would be granted custody unless your parents can get custody. You can have it written in your will that you want your son's god mother to have custody if something should happen to you but that doesn't really mean they will automatically get it.

Mrs. - posted on 06/04/2011

1,767

6

30

Wish I could revoke my SIL as Godmother. She has seen her niece a handful of times in her life and just sees her as competition for attention. Truly sad.

Mel - posted on 06/04/2011

5,539

58

228

definately she should not be god mother. Find someone else, who actually shows she cares about him and does the right thing

Sarah - posted on 06/04/2011

1,499

10

41

My best friend is my son's God mother & I am her son's God mother. For us personally, we don't expect anything out of each other as far as the "God mother role" goes. I live 2 hours away from her, so my son sees her about once a month or so. Even though we don't see each other often, we'll always know that we are there for each other. It's just sort of an unspoken thing I guess.

I wouldn't necessarily revoke her God mother status. You might risk losing a good friend over it. Even though she doesn't spend as much time with him as you'd like, I'm sure she still loves him tons. It's probably just hard for her to understand since she's not a mother yet. I'd say just keep providing opportunities for your son to visit with her...he'll understand who she is in time. If she just flat out refuses to come around or spend ANY time with you guys, then I would reconsider my friendship with her.

[deleted account]

I agree with Jenn- try to remember back to before you were a mom- I know I didnt 'get' how enormous it is, even though I thought I did.

Bridgette - posted on 06/03/2011

99

0

17

No, I would not do that. However, you could talk to her and let her know that, being the godmother, that you hope she can take a more active role in your child's life. If she is not interested, there could be a reason you dont know, or maybe she may say she shouldnt be the godmother anyway?

Since the traditional role of the "godmother" is not what you are looking for here, I dont know that revoking it will do anything other than lose you a friend for good.

Jodi - posted on 06/03/2011

3,562

36

3907

Godmothers don't really have any legal standing over custodial rights anyway. From my understanding, being a godmother is a religious/spiritual thing. Within various denominations of Christianity it is actually a role undertaken to be involved in your child's religious upbringing.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms