Should i tell him?

April - posted on 02/20/2011 ( 23 moms have responded )

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This morning i just had a miscarriage, i didn't know i was pregnant so i was so shocked to what i woke up to this morning. What i saw will haunt me forever and it makes me sad just thinking about it (i'm sorry i just don't want to go into any further detail) i was probably a few weeks along.



My husband and i have two beautiful children, a girl and a boy. So we both decided to stop at that. No more kids. The thing is my husband and i had a big issue when i got pregnant with our son. We both knew it was too early but it took him such a long time to accept the fact. We argued all the time and it was just one of the most horrible experiences of my life and made my pregnancy so stressful.



After our son was born he apologized, he was heart broken and felt awful about what he put me through. All is in the past now but we have agreed that our son was going to be our last. Which i'm 100% fine with ( he thinks we might like to have more in the future but i said no way)



Anyway with all that being said, i'm now confused as to whether i should tell him that i had just miscarried since everything that's happened in the past. I want him to know because i want to tell someone what i had just experienced, but i'm afraid that i might just give him something to worry about. I just want to know if anyones experienced something similar and any advice you may give.



What do you think? Should i tell him?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Johnny - posted on 02/20/2011

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I am sorry to hear that you lost your baby April. No matter if you knew or not, and whether it was planned or not, it is still a difficult and painful experience.



I tend to believe that open honesty (most of the time) is the only way that partnerships succeed in the long run. It sounds like you have been through some difficult times and have come through with deeper understanding of one another and what each of you needs. He may react badly at first, many of us do to shocking news, with no intention of causing the other person pain. But in the long run, keeping a secret about this will probably cause you to feel more apart from your spouse on an emotional level. You will be carrying those feelings alone. That baby was something you created together, and should share in the knowledge and mourning of your loss.



I suffered a miscarriage early in my relationship with my husband. We were engaged, his father was dying from a stroke, and his brother was in the ICU from an exceedingly elevated blood pressure. It was NOT a good time and we were really just in the process of learning the deep stuff about each other. I didn't tell him until a couple of months after his father passed. He was very hurt that I hadn't shared with him that we had conceived and lost a baby. He did not see it as just my problem, and he was right. It took a while for those wounds to heal in our relationship.

Sharon - posted on 02/21/2011

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If you both decided you were done, how did you wind up pregnant?

I think you need to tell him so he can take better precautions against knocking you again. And you need to rethink your birth control.

My husband and I are done also - I would tell him. But he KNOWS I'm done and wouldn't suspect me of trying to get preggo against his will.

April - posted on 02/21/2011

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Thank you so much for all your help, i just spoke to my husband and he started to cry. He was upset because he was scared for me, which in turn made me cry because i wasn't expecting this reaction from him. Then we had a long talk and after everything he did make me feel his support and care.

We are going to my gynecologist to have a check up and to ask some questions so we have a better understanding of what had happened and what other suggestions she may have for birth control.

I'm so thankful that there are so many wonderful women in this community, it makes me feel better knowing i'm receiving support from you all. Thank you.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 02/21/2011

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Yes, i do think you should tell him. this way if it is truly time for the two of you to stop having children, you can talk about a permanant solution....otherwise, this may open up a whole new can of worms of maybe really wanting more.

JuLeah - posted on 02/20/2011

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Is he your husband or partner? I see a difference. Does he have your back? Does he support you? Is he the one you lean on? ... if I were him, I'd wanna know. If he is a husband, as I understand that word, don't tell him. But, if he is your partner, tell him ... he is involved, this is in part his experiance .... it is something you will share and walk through together

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23 Comments

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Shauna - posted on 02/21/2011

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sorry i didnt read all posts- im glad you spoke to him, and wish you both healing.

Shauna - posted on 02/21/2011

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So sorry for your loss. I have experienced a miscarriage myself and it is such a painful thing that cant be put to words, my heart goes out to you. But honestly i think ... be honest. Tell him. If anything it may bring you closer as a couple. you need to go through this with him.

Johnny - posted on 02/21/2011

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I'm happy to hear that he responded in that way. Open communication builds relationships that are so much stronger. And it makes hard times a little easier.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 02/21/2011

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I am sorry for what you are going through, it would be nice to have some support.

Bonnie - posted on 02/21/2011

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Oh April, I am so sorry. I have never experienced this, so I can't imagine what it is truly like. Even though you didn't know you were pregnant and it wasn't planned, I would still tell my husband. He should be there at a time like this to support you. You shouldn't have to be alone. It is tough to go through either way.

Brandi - posted on 02/21/2011

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I would tell him. Just so you don't have to deal with this alone. Tell him you had no idea that you were even pregnant. If he is a good husband, he will be understanding and sympathetic to you right now.

[deleted account]

I am sorry for your loss. I had 3 m/c myself and I can relate. Please do tell him. You will need your husband for emotional strength. You might even experience the same stages of grief loss: sadness, depression, anger and end up lashing out on your children for no reason. It IS an issue. It IS something that you experienced and something that shouldn't be downplayed or disregarded. You need your husband now more than ever, whether he understands or not. {{{HUGS}}} Feel free to send me a PM anytime.

Danielle - posted on 02/21/2011

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I'm so sorry for your loss. If I were you I would tell him. It will more than likely eventually come out, and when it does he may be angry at you for NOT telling him. If I was him I would be angry b/c I knew you went through that alone. If you don't want it be be a big issue I'd play it down. Tell him in passing, don't make a big deal out of it. If you're having a hard time you DEFINATELY need to tell him. You NEED someone you can talk to and considering he lost a child too you can lean on one another.

Tara - posted on 02/21/2011

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I'm sorry for your loss, I've miscarried and it's not an easy thing to get passed, especially without support, and especially without the support of the person you love.
I would tell him, and let him you are telling him because you want his love and support, because even though you didn't know you were expecting, you are sad that you have lost a baby, and even if it were a baby that wasn't planned and maybe not desired, it's still a baby and you are still sad.
Let him know how you feel, otherwise you may end up resenting him for having to go through this alone.

[deleted account]

I'm so sorry to hear that. This is not a burden I would want to endure alone. I would tell him.

April - posted on 02/20/2011

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Thank you ladies so much for your advice, when i wrote this i was still shaken up from what had happened but after reading what you all have said i've realized that it is better to tell my husband what happened, no matter how he reacts he should know that we had lost our baby, even if we hadn't known that i was pregnant it's still devastating. I need him now. So thank you all again for your encouragement and help. :)

Katherine - posted on 02/20/2011

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I would tell him. I think he would want to know. Even though he has been upset in the past it would be worse and harder on you if you didn't. Besides it's not like you did it by yourself.

So sorry to hear it.

Sal - posted on 02/20/2011

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late last year i thought i might of had a miscarriage, i shouldn;t of been pregnant but (and a it turned out i wasn't) but i had all the symptons and then had really heavy bleeding, we didn't want anymore, i hadn;t told my hisband my fears, but when it all came to head, he was supportive and and when we thought that it might of been a baby he was sad, so from my experience i would say tel him, if he handles it badly i am so sorry for suggesting it, but i can't see how the man who loves you wouldn;t want to comfort you even if he was against the idea of anther baby.

Stifler's - posted on 02/20/2011

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I haven't experienced this but I would tell my husband. He would be just as upset as I would be and he'd probably want to know.

Alyssa - posted on 02/20/2011

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I'm so sorry for what you are going through April. Whether or not you knew I would imagine it is still a very emotional time and I really feel for you.

I can't say what I think you should do since I don't know you or your husband but if it were me, I would absolutely tell my husband. We also have two kids and are both happy to stop. I would want someone to emotionally support me and I think my husband would have a right to know. It is a good chance to get things out in the open and talk about how you both feel and work out together how you want to manage your choices.

Marylea - posted on 02/20/2011

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I can't speak from experience, but if I was in your situation I would tell my spouse. Since neither one of you wants to have more kids and this was an unplanned pregnancy I personally don't see the harm. At least if he knows he can support you through the experience. I couldn't keep a secret like that from my hubby and I would feel that he had a right to know. Hope that helps. Good luck.

Marylea

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