Sibling Rivalry

Jodi - posted on 11/03/2010 ( 9 moms have responded )

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You ladies seem to have your heads screwed squarely on shoulders (most of the time! lol), so I thought I would get all of your viewpoints on a little bit of a personal issue. My sister, who is a mere 4 years older than me, and I used to be like best friends, until she moved back home...then it started changing...here's some important history:

I dropped out of college and moved back in with my parents for about 6 months before getting an apartment with my fiance. In that 6 months, my sister divorced her then husband, sold all of her worldly possessions and moved back in as well. Up until this point we had been great friends. I was a manager at a gas station at that time and got her a job where I worked under a demeaning Turkish man who had little respect for me, so my job was hard enough. 3 weeks after starting she simply never showed up again which did not reflect well on me and I'm pretty sure had to do with me not getting my raise that year. Strike one. I'm kind of prude by today's standards (only had sex with one man my entire life!) so when my sister started bringing home random guys from the bars every weekend and hooking up in the room next to mine...I was less than impressed.

I moved out and she met "John" (about 6 months after divorcing her husband), 3 months after knowing "John" they were engaged, and living together. 6 months after meeting him she was pregnant and she kicked him oout when she was about 7 or 8 months pregnant. Before she gave birth to her son there was a new man, I don't even remember his name. They broke up, there was a string of men, she met "Scott". Same story, about 3 or 4 months in they were engaged and living together and were pregnant before they had been dating for even 6 months. Son number two is born about a week before her firstborn turned 2. New boyfriend was at the hospital and met her son before she allowed "Scott" to see his son.

Now, "John" has been out of the picture completely, doesn't even pay child support and my sister is just peachy keen with that. "Scott" on the other hand wants to be invovled, initiated paper work for child support, tries to see his son when he can...but my sister (as much as I love her) has fought him every step of the way, is always demeaning, rude and plain out a bitch to him or when talking about him.

Recently, she was trying to bitch about him to me because he wants to join the military and I couldn't side with her. I told her I couldn't think less of anyone because they wanted to help protect our country, that he would bring home more money for his child and set a better example for his child etc etc and I thought that it was important that he do what HE thought is best for his own life. This was all said in the way that I just couldn't call him an asshole for doing what he has to do, not in a way that I was praising his every moment in life. I have never had a problem with this man btw, he is nice, amicable, never says anything about my sister (I have him on facebook), he stands up for her when his family calls her out etc etc. (I would not call us friends by any standards though.)

Anyways, since that incident she has claimed that I am unsupportive, that she doesn't get the help she needs (My dad watches her boys 3 days a week, I was watching her boys full time for free since her firstborn was born until I got pregnant recently, my parents, myself and my husband all jsut chipped in financially and physically to reshingle her roof and remodel her kitchen, my parents bought her car when she wa about to lose it and pay her house payments most months etc etc etc.) She tells me I'm lucky because of my situation that I can get breaks and it's not her fault the way things turned out etc etc etc.

My issue...or question is: How on earth is it MY fault? She made poor decisions that got her where she is, up until this point I never said anything and was nothing BUT supportive. I made different decisions to get me where I am (married, financially stable etc etc etc). Am I really expected to never say my mind on certain issues when I think she's just being unreasonable? I have been her shoulder to cry on and listening ear enough, she is nothing but woe is me, martyr single mom, you have it easy, etc etc. I know her life is hard, but seriously, shouldn't she at least own up to the decisions she made to get her here? Or am I being a horrible sister and friend? Her oldest is now 3 and she still refuses to see that the result of her situation is not entirely the fault of the father's of her children...and somehow me. She has told me she never would have accepted engagement if I hadn't been married and never would have gotten pregnant the second time around if I hadn't had my daughter...so somehow I'm responsible? Tell me what you think and be brutally honest, the rest of my family thinks I never should have said a word that went against anything she says and I just can't accept that!

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Jodi - posted on 11/04/2010

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I definately agree that in being so supportive (blindly supportive as Sharon so aptly put it) we have been enabling her. Alas, hindsight is 20/20 and there are things I would have done different if I could go back. Unfortunately I can't, and the rest of our family doesn't really see how backing her up and agreeing with her every word is not helping her. My mom says they're just "trying to keep the peace." While I have no cut her out of my life, we don't talk much anymore unless she needs something (which I'm more frequently refusing now) and only see each other if we both happen to be at our parent's house at the same time. It would take a diamond edged blade to cut the tension! lol
I'm glad to know, aside from being "too" supportive for too long, I'm not being judgemental or what not.

And Kati, she used to be a pretty good drinker until she had her kids...so she's changed now. On a side note, my mom told her I'm getting my tubes tied once my twins are born...guess who's following suit! (Thank God to that!) Thanks Ladies!

Rosie - posted on 11/04/2010

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she sounds alot like my sister. 3 different kids by 3 different dads, would've had 4 but aborted one. does your sister drink alot per chance, cause it would make it almost identical to my situation.
i coddled my sister for so long, "cause nothing ever goes her way" and i thought i was helping her. i now realize it made it worse. i havn't spoken to my once very close sister for about 4 years now. we'll say hi if we see eachother in walmart or something, and she does allow us access to her kids (well the ones that didn't get taken away by their dad). i just don't talk to her anymore. maybe you should have a talk with her, make it clear that you don't like her behavior, and if she doesnt' get her head on straight you can't enable her anymore and you have to step away. make sure it's known if she wants to work on herself and how she treats others, then you'll be more than happy to have her back in your life. it's hard at first, but i do think that i personally did the right thing. she may never come around, but that isn't MY fault. i can only worry about myself now. good luck :)

Sharon - posted on 11/04/2010

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This is what you get for namby pambying her. You supported her, which is great, except it has backfired on you all. now she thinks she's entitled to all the help & support while not making any real effort on her own.

I don't know what turned her this way, its sad and gross.

But you ARE right. You weren't wrong to support her, just a bit blind. SHE made all the mistakes. Its what SHE did that put her in the spot she is in now.

Hannah - posted on 11/04/2010

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Dr. Phil would have a hay day with her!! Ever watch the "Dr Phil Family"?
But seriously, she has made decisions and that has where they have led her life thus far....She doesnt sound appreciative at all....However maybe she just has trouble expressing how she really feels and that is why she doesnt seem to. Im not condoning her behaviour, just saying that she may feel like she has trouble saying how she REALLY feels....

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That's a very odd game of one-upping she's playing with you :S None of this is your fault, don't even think that. She's a big girl, she just makes some very odd decisions that she's not willing to take responsibility for. I think she needs Dr. Phil :D

Tah - posted on 11/03/2010

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"Tell me what you think and be brutally honest"



okay..I think she is spoiled and ridiculous. I think that she is unappreciative. I think that you should continue to tell the truth to her because that is obvioulsy something she is not getting. Maybe if somebody told her the truth she would act a little differently. She is jealous of you and noone told her to do anything to keep up with the Joneses(you).



Don't do another thing for her and next time she ask you advice ask her this, "do you want the truth or do you want to hear that you are right, because i'm sure you say that to yourself enough"



Don't you regret anything you have been blessed with, including God-given good common sense, don't feel guilty for having love and a good life and anytime she is ready to have it, she can, but it's gonna take less enabling from the family and more tough love....



I tell people all the time, you don't wanna hear the truth, don't ask me...i don't support stupidity...

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