Single moms who use donors for babies.

Tara - posted on 08/12/2010 ( 75 moms have responded )

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http://www.popeater.com/2010/08/12/jenni...

This is a link to the story about Bill O'Reilly taking a strip off of Jennifer Anniston based on her new movie "swicth" in which she plays a single woman who uses a donor to become a mom.

Some argue that promoting this type of family situation is bad for moral Americans. Some argue that there is no reason to get ones panties all in a knot, this is 2010 and people have babies all kinds of ways.

What do you think? Should a single woman wait until she meets Mr. Right if her clock is ticking and she wants to be a mom, or should she go ahead and consider the donor method and forgo the dad altogether??

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Tara - posted on 08/13/2010

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@ Emma, so you're saying if a woman who is able, willing and desiring a child but can not happen to "find" love first. Should not ever be a mother? Why does loving a man need to be a prerequisite to having a baby? And come on, having a partner who acts like a child????? That's you're problem not everyone else's. My partner doesn't act like a child, none of my male married friends act like children. I would say if yours does, you married a child and now you have two. :)
@Teresa Good thing your doctor talked you out of being a single, disadvantaged uneducated and probably un prepared mom at the age of 18!!!! However if you had gone to your doctor at the age of 33 and said you were single, financially stable and emotionally ready to be a mother but did not have a relationship with a man whom you loved your doctor would have been more than willing to help you find a donor so you could be a mother.

Genetic testing is the norm with sperm donors now. I really don't see why a man is needed when a woman is capable of loving and providing for this child.
Why does a man's love need to be the deciding factor in whether a woman chooses to have a baby.
There are so many cases of women who want a baby so bad they will trick their partners into getting pregnant, or worse they will seek out a one night stand during ovulation in an attempt to get pregnant.
I don't believe that kids who come from a two parent house are better off than those from a single parent home. So much of that depends on socio-economics and family support, education, financial stability, good environment etc.
And also Emma, who's my daddy??? I would have to guess that there at least a million babies in the US alone who don't know who their daddy is, but at least with donor insemination a mom can tell her child what kind of donor he was, height, weight, eye colour, ethnic background, education etc. they may never meet their donor dad, but at least they will know they were brought into this world because of love, the love of a mom for a child.
The most pure kind of love.

Tara - posted on 08/16/2010

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@Emma,
If you hate the debates, I'm sure you know how to click the little "x" in the top left hand corner of your screen.
as well... aren't you so lucky you were able to find a great guy (who from your own posts acts like a child, won't have sex with you, plays mind guys with you etc. etc.) to have a child naturally (from love no less). And hopefully you will be able to stay with him and only him forever (since anything else is wrong) and hopefully have any more children that you want, the natural way. (by the way did you have any drugs or interventions during your delivery or did you do that completely naturally too?). God forbid you find yourself needing IVF to have any more babies.
I look at your links, the sites are pretty warped. They seem to be just a wee bit on the extreme right of center, a little moralistic and heavily laden with dogmatic beliefs.
Anyhow just remember where that little "x" is the next time you don't like being debated with.

Oh and Aura,
There is this thing called genetic testing that can eliminate the chances of someone conceiving a child with someone they are related to.
And... did you really want a baby of your own more than you wanted to adopt one? Yep I thought so.... that is the nature of the species. Most of the women on this planet are born with a strong desire to reproduce, doesn't make them selfish, makes them human.

Tara - posted on 08/13/2010

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@Teresa,
So again if a woman becomes pregnant her husband dies when she is only 1 month along, she should have an abortion to spare her child the horror of growing up with a single parent?
If a man loses his wife due to preclampsia should he give his daughter up?
I think you feel very sorry for your children and I don't know the story of why you are single but I will say that your children will follow your lead, if you feel sorry for them they will find a fault in their lives, in their selves in order to match the pity you place on them. If instead you show them strength and independence and determination they will mimic that and turn out just fine, not missing a thing. It's possible. And give women some credit here. Do you think since the beginning of time we have had a man around to help with the emotional raising of a child? Nope, they have, throughout history been off to war, work or exploration etc. this ideal of having a "stable, involved dad" is very new to the human species, beyond protection, provision and order, dads have not been and mothers have been the moral and emotional examples for their children, often alone for long periods of time.
Kids are what we make them, regardless of who raises them.

Mary - posted on 08/16/2010

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Emma, I DID read the link...but am a little skeptical of an article that starts out with "...It exposes the folly and evil of those who would redefine the family" as being unbiased towards a particular moral slant. Upon a little further digging, This study was undertaken by The Institute for American Values. A quick perusal of their web site left a strong impression that they are A) pretty much against all reproductive technolgy, even for married couples unable to conceive, and B) pretty much pro-conservative, traditional families (married, heterosexual couples). While not as flamboyantly hateful as some other groups, they are certainly not unbiased in their ideaology....and any findings from such studies xhould certainly be taken with a grain of salt.

Amie - posted on 08/15/2010

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Oh for the love of pete.

That's as big a slap in the face to single mom's, who didn't choose it off the bat, as it is to single mom's who have.

There is nothing immoral about raising a child alone. It takes more yes because there is only one parent. Most of those single parents have a good support system, especially the ones choosing to forgo it alone.

So how do moral americans then come to terms with single moms who didn't choose it?

Whether a person chooses to be a single mom or whether it's thrust upon her, they all deserve huge commendations for doing it. It is not easy, I can not imagine doing it now without my husband. At one point I have done it and I'm glad I have someone to share the burden with now but I will never forget how hard it was before. Even with my families and friends support and help it was hard.

If a woman wants a child that badly, there is nothing wrong with her choosing to use a donor. I know of one woman who chose the donor method after getting a divorce. She now has twins and is going it alone. Her mom helps her out a lot but they are happy. You can see she is tired a lot but you can also see she wouldn't change her situation.

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Jaime - posted on 08/17/2010

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Thank you for your kind words Mary. Parenting groups and open parenting forums like CoM's make a world of difference. I am truly grateful to be able to communicate back and forth with other moms every single day.



D-Mak I ♥ you my friend!

[deleted account]

Do people have to opt for genetic testing? I wasn't offered any when I married or conceived. I wanted a baby for my husband. The reason why I chose to try to get pregnant was so that I could give a child to my husband that was of our union. Our daughter reminds us of the love we have for each other every day. I am, in no way, saying that single mothers should have their children taken away from them, but I am saying that children are not just for the perpetuation of the species anymore. If they were, there would be less couples choosing not to have any.

I am of the mind that everything happens for a reason and I feel that if you were given the situation of being unable to conceive naturally, you were meant for something else. Maybe God wanted you to take care of the needy children, if you still feel pulled toward mother/fatherhood. Or maybe you were meant to be a great Aunt/Uncle.

I'm sorry. I know that, nowadays, people will look unkindly toward this opinion, but it is mine to make. Just to clarify, I do not look unkindly on a woman who chooses AI. But if one of my friends were to ask my opinion, I would tell them that they were probably meant for greater things.

Mary - posted on 08/17/2010

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Jaime, just wanted to say that I deeply admire the grace, dignity and strength that you obviously posess. I believe, from your posts, that you are a rare individual indeed, and your boy is so very lucky to have you!

Jaime - posted on 08/17/2010

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I don't find it a luxury to be a single mom...just want to put that out there. And I don't think that women that choose to use donor sperm are being selfish...I think they are making an informed decision because they are capable of caring for and loving a child--same as the rest of us.



I tried for months and I fought to keep Chris involved in our son's life but according to him, he wasn't willing to heed the compromises that I had suggested for our situation. He felt I was trying to control him and apparently he just couldn't handle it. He has two other children from previous relationships and he had just ended a nasty court battle with the mother of his youngest daughter--I was there for him through this entire battle pretty much, even went to court and met with the lawyers and still he accused me of trying to railroad him the same as the other two women in his previous relationships had done. After his last stunt of disappearing for just about a month with no phone calls, emails or text messages of his whereabouts I decided enough was enough. Am I happy about my decision? At first, no. Now, I know I did the right thing. Thinking back to the entire situation I was holding onto something that just wasn't there. Chris wasn't involved in my pregnancy, he wasn't in the room for Gray's birth, he only decided to come around when Gray was 7 weeks old...3 weeks after I had informed his mother of her new grandson (I nearly bumped into her at walmart one day and had an anxiety attack about it). I made a conscious choice to do what was best for Gray. Chris made it very clear by his actions and by his words (he sent me some emails after I served him the court papers) that he felt it best to just walk away for the sake of all involved. His two daughters don't know they have a brother, and as much as it stings to think that he will never have the chance to know them..it's not my place to tell them. Also...the real icing on the cake, for several months after he walked away from Gray he was still living with his girlfriend and helping her to raise her son!



My point in saying this is not to invoke pity for my situation...I've moved on, despite the fact that I'm not completely over the hurt. I am a believer that time is a great healer and I'm just focusing on what is positive in our lives. I don't wish my situation on anyone, but I'm not a wealthy single woman that has longed for a baby for many years and has the means to better navigate single-parenthood. I'm doing alright, but there are certainly things about my situation I would change--my son having a father that is not sincerely dedicated to the task is not one of them.

Mary - posted on 08/17/2010

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Cathy, I agree that the "diminished expectation of fatherhood" is sad. My opinion about this topic is in no way reflective of my personal values of the role of father. I am exceptionally close with my own dad, and was fortunate enough to marry a man who shares many of his qualities, and loves our daughter more than anything in this world. However, I do think that men have only themselves to blame for this "diminished expectation". Men have been abandoning their children for years. It's not that women never do it....but it's more uncommon.

Single men can become fathers...but yes, they do have a biological disadvantage, since they have to find a willing surrogate. No question, it's harder to find woman willing to "loan" you her uterus for nine months than it is to find a stranger willing to jack off in a cup. It's one of those rare times when woman actually have it easier!

My position on this is not about what I would do, either. Obviously, I hold the concept of marriage and two parent families in high regard...it is what I grew up with, and what my child was born into. However, I also know that my way of approaching motherhood is not the only way, or always the "right" way. I also know that intense longing to be pregnant and have a child of your own, and am not so self-centered as to think that this desire is only worthy of woman in stable, committed relationships.

Stifler's - posted on 08/17/2010

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That's what mine is too. I don't object to gay people having kids etc I just don't agree that bringing a child into the world to only have one parent is the right thing to do.

Stifler's - posted on 08/16/2010

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You asked for opinions and that's what I think. It has nothing to do with "my morals" it has to do with those poor kids who don't have a paternal side of their family tree.

Stifler's - posted on 08/16/2010

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Um I said I hate the debates because people don't respect anyone else's opinion. What links? He is great just because I have 3 problems with him doesn't mean he isn't a great boyfriend and dad. I just do not get how you can explain to a kid that they have no dad. It's mean.

[deleted account]

I agree that I was selfish in having a child. But, I was able to. I had an agreement with my husband that if we were unable to conceive we would adopt. I wanted to raise a child but it wasn't limited to my own bloodline. I still wouldn't mind adopting later on.

I just don't like the idea of AI. It brings up a host of problems that obviously don't exclude being fatherless. For example, the reason so many people donate sperm is for money and because it is anonymous. What if you grow up as a child of AI and marry. You want to have children and when you do they have a host of genetic problems. A doctor does some sort of blood tests and finds out it is because you are actually related to your partner. You didn't know, of course, because you didn't know who your father was. It just creeps me out because this actually happens. I feel bad for people that fall in love with a half sibling without realizing it because IVF exists.

Stifler's - posted on 08/16/2010

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I hate these debates. Anyone who makes judgments based on their own morals is immediately wrong. Just because you're not judgmental doesn't make you right. I had 2 parents and all my friend came from broken homes with single parents and I know which life they'd have preferred.

Mary - posted on 08/16/2010

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You're certainly entitled to you opinion...no matter how misguided or judgemental I may find it. That is what makes these debates entertaining, after all...

Stifler's - posted on 08/16/2010

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Sorry but I just think it's really fucking sad that these kids will have no father. I don't want a lecture. There's a reason only women and men can conceive naturally together.

Jane - posted on 08/16/2010

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@Aura - So, how many children have you adopted that are in need of a family? Of course people want a child of their own flesh and blood. Why would you say that's selfish to want one that is biologically yours? You have child/ren, don't you? Are they of your own flesh and blood? Wow...how selfish of you (said in jest of course - I'm not trying to be mean).

Stifler's - posted on 08/16/2010

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Did you not read the links? These people are adults saying they feel like they have been denied part of their identity.

Janessa - posted on 08/16/2010

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I think it is wrong in so many levels. I would never marry a men that gaved in sperm away period. I mean how do i know my kids will not fall in love with they half siblings. I mean those people can adopt they are so many kids that need homes.

Mary - posted on 08/16/2010

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Just a thought....

A few posters on here have talked about a child "missing out" by not having a father, or having issues with seeing friends with their daddy or envying 2 parent households. I'm sure this is true. Growing up, I always wanted aunts, uncles, and cousins. My parents are only children, so I had none of them, and I was a little envious of them having other kids to play with at family gatherings, while I only had my sister. However, it overall was no big deal, and left no emotional scars...BUT...my lack of cousins was not because some unknown person who *should* have been an integral part of my life rejected or abandoned me.

Yes, a child born to a single woman who conceives with an anonyous sperm donor does not have a relationship with a biological father, but it is not because of a failed relationship, indifference or rejection on the part of the father. As Aura pointed out, children are much more observant and perceptive than we often realize...and a child conceived via sperm donor may at times wish they had a more "normal" family (but don't we all!)..but they will also come to understand that Mommy wanted and loved them so much that she did whatever she could to bring them into this world and be with them. There's an awful lot to be said for the amount of security a child will find in knowing just how much their mother wanted them, before they were even born.

[deleted account]

Good Lord, this debate keeps going, lol. I had to stop reading about half way through.

I'll give my opinion, I guess, and hope that I don't hurt anyone for it. I believe that a child NEEDS to grow up in a loving, healthy, two parent household. I am not, however, objectionable to a single mother, but perhaps the better route is adoption. There are hundreds of children in the system that people ignore because they want their own flesh and blood. I think that maybe that is selfish. Why should a woman go through insemination in her later years when there are perfectly needy children right now?

I also must say, for the debate regarding "how does a child know what they are missing if they have never known it", this is not true. I am from a single mother household and I knew what I was missing. All my friends had dads that took them to do cool things like camping and fishing and to get ice cream, etc. I didn't. I think that children are a lot more observant than adults give them credit for.

Jane - posted on 08/16/2010

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Jennifer Aniston, who typically does not respond to attacks made this statement after Bill O'Reilly's rant. She said "Of course, the ideal scenario for parenting is obviously two parents of mature age. And of course, many women dream of finding Prince Charming (with fatherly instincts), but for those who've not yet found their Bill O'Reilly, I'm just glad science has provided a few other options"

I love it...she basically told him to mind his own business with class and dignity :)

Jaime - posted on 08/16/2010

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In all honesty Cathy I don't know how I would react if my son came to me and told me he got his girlfriend pregnant but he wasn't ready to be a father.

I have to consider the fact that I cannot force my son to be a father if he doesn't want to be one. Would it hurt me that he didn't want to be involved? Absolutely, without question because I would worry about his regrets later in life, but I'm not going to blast him with a lecture about how important it is for a child to have a father, when it is very clear that his heart is not in it. What I will do if that is ever the case, is to figure out why he doesn't want to be involved and also figure out why he's making irresponsible decisions if he's not prepared for the consequences. Is it better to have a father out of obligation or because he wants to be there? That's the way I look at it. I would be extremely disappointed I think, in my son's actions, but it won't make me love him less and it won't make me force my opinion that he needs to 'step up and take responsibility'. I'm a strong advocate for abortion and adoption because people do stupid shit and rather than try and raise a baby that is unwanted, I feel that these avenues are the lesser of two evils.

Having said all that, it is my hope that I can raise my son (to the best of my ability) to be a loving, caring, intelligent, strong person despite him not having a father. I'm not going to pretend that I can replace his father, because I can't...but I can be an understanding mother and I can talk with him about his dad when he asks me and I can explain to him that some men just aren't ready and because children are so important, it's best for them to be cared for by just mommy instead. And if I happen to meet someone and have a relationship, then it will be a bonus, but for me it's not a requirement that I find a man so that my son isn't lacking for the rest of his life.

Danielle - posted on 08/16/2010

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The way I see it is that in most families, for the first couple of years at least, the mother is the primary care giver anyways. I said most, not all...before somebody jumps up my back and attacks me. Maybe in those few years the single mother would end up meeting the partner of her dreams and they'd all live happily ever after. All I know is that, if a woman can provide a loving and stable home for a child than she should not be denied the right of motherhood just because she doesn't have a spouse. As I mentioned before, by the time she met someone it could be too late (with regards to her biological clock, I mean). My best friend was a single mother of two until her boys were 3 and 4 years old. She did a wonderful job with them on her own and when they were 3 and 4 she met a wonderful guy who stepped up to the plate and took on the father figure role in both of these boys' lives. I feel the same thing could happen for a woman who seeks out a donor.

Stifler's - posted on 08/16/2010

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I agree with Cathy, there have already been cases of people who are very closely related getting married.

Stifler's - posted on 08/15/2010

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Those things affect the future, Jane. They might not affect anyone directly right now, but they'll affect the future either negatively or positively. I don't even like the idea of sperm donors, especially since the child isn't allowed to contact the biological parents. Everyone wants to know where they came from.

Jane - posted on 08/15/2010

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This is a no brainer for me. I see nothing morally wrong with doing this. I could go on and on but I won't. If people have a problem with it, it's none of their business and they need to worry about their own lives and not the lives of others. I get so tired of people butting their noses in other peoples affairs...ya know? I'm not yelling at anyone (I haven't even read posts on this yet so I'm not sure what anyone has said), it's just that people always concern themselves with things that are not for them to worry about...sperm donors, birth control, abortion, same sex marriage. NONE of these things affect anyone except the person going through them!

Charlie - posted on 08/15/2010

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well a father isnt necessary but a male role model is and that could be the grandfather and uncle a friend.

The point is that a woman who goes through this process obviously WANTS a child no doubt it will be loved and cared for , how many babies are born that are unwanted accidents , being single mum will be hard no doubt but im sure a women who chooses to go this route to get pregnant will be a little more prepared than the average accidental pregnancy .

Jaime - posted on 08/15/2010

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"I will always think that they are lacking because of my beliefs of what a family is supposed to be"



That's what I don't understand. You know that not having a father is their reality, they know it's their reality and yet you still feel they are lacking because of what YOU believe--not them. So in a sense you are projecting your own agenda onto it and THAT was my point. I'm not suggesting that this makes you a horrible parent, I'm simply saying that your kids aren't lacking what they didn't have to begin with. It just keeps cycling back to the fact that in society and in life, families are not comprised solely of the nuclear model...there are sometimes two moms, sometimes two dads, sometimes one mom, sometimes one dad and sometimes a mom and dad together. Every child has their own reality and their own unique family situation. I'm just not sure if the want for male influence is a majority feeling based on the fact that there are plenty of kids that grow up without a father and without that wanting.

[deleted account]

No, sorry Jamie, I didn't skip that part. I was just still trying to make a point. I will always think that they are lacking because of my beliefs of what a family is supposed to be. The same beliefs that shape my opinion on just about every issue. I never said a child raised in a single parent household CAN'T be ok. I sure hope my kids are 3 of the ones that ARE.

I was trying to explain the difference between how much my son (and girls) want a man in their lives. Forgive me for not wanting to explain every single detail of the past 2.5 years. I'm not worried in the least about him not acknowledging my friend. THAT wasn't the point of my example at all......

Whatever. We will never see this the same, so there's no point in going back and forth anymore. :)

[deleted account]

Personally, I think it's situational and case-by-case. Some women can easily handle being a single mom using a sperm donor, others may require additional family support. Quite frankly, it's not for me to judge what's best for another woman. I don't think it matters any way as long as the child has his/her basic needs met. Basic needs may, or may not, require a 2 parent house-hold. So to make the generalized blanket statement that ALL children need to knwo their father may be inaccurate. It then becomes a priority in child raising to be honest and upfront with the child from the very beginning.

Jaime - posted on 08/15/2010

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Which is obviously why I said that I'm not making any assumptions about your life Teresa...funny how you skipped past THAT part.

You're clearly on the defensive and so be it. We have similar situations, but I choose to see it differently. I'm not sure why your son wants to walk off with strangers, but perhaps it IS because he's comfortable around his uncles so much so that he figures he can have that bond with all men. Also, not sure why you're trying to get him to acknowledge your friend and worried when he doesn't...might also just be a phase. As for the thinking of how it impacts a woman not to have a child...a majority of women have a maternal instinct, so of course they want a baby whether or not they have a partner. And this impact you seem to think it has on the children not to have a father, that is your own assertion, not theirs. As I've said and others have said, plenty of same-sex couples raise very healthy, emotionally-balanced, fulfilled children...so I'm not so sure why you think that single-parent kids are lacking?

[deleted account]

It seems as if everyone in favor of this is thinking of the woman and how it impacts HER to not have a child. Those of us against it are trying to think of the children and the children only.

Don't tell me I'm projecting anything on to my son when I am sitting there trying to get him to say hi to my female best friend (that he's known and been around since birth) while he is just trying to walk off w/ the man that he's never met before......

Danielle - posted on 08/15/2010

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I think loving, responsible, well rounded women who can provide for their children should absolutely be entitled to use a donor to have a baby! Why should they be deprived the wonderful joys of motherhood? They'd probably do much better than some of the moms I know! Perhaps by the time she meets "Mr. Right" it'll be too late. And I don't think that those women should have to miss out.

Jaime - posted on 08/15/2010

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Yes Tara, that's pretty much what I was trying to convey and you've put it a lot nicer I suppose than my Wii analogy. And Cathy, I wasn't trying to be shallow using that analogy, I was simply pointing out that for some people not having a dad or a mom is their reality and it's not the end of the world for them. As Tara explained beautifully:



"while your son was "missing" something as he knew that other kids had both a mom and a dad, he wasn't missing it on the emotional level we tend to place on children. It is like knowing someone has died in the family, but having never met them, opposed to someone dying who you were close to. It affects you differently depending on how emotionally involved you were with that person."



I am raising a son without a father, so please don't think for one second that I can't begin to empathize with your situation...but I also realize that Chris hasn't been a part of Gray's life so he's not missing his dad...he might feel later on that he's missing a male bond, but that's why I am making an effort now to expose him to male family and friends that can help him through any emotional drawbacks when he's older about not having a dad. I'm not about to place MY own personal feelings on the matter onto my 18-month-old and expect that he's going to be a weeping mess one day when he sees his best friend hugging their dad and wonders why he can't...it's just not realistic to me to assume that it will happen that way. So when I said it was much like a Wii game system, I was talking about the reaction itself. I'm sure it's disappointing to some degree, but because it's not Gray's reality now and might not be then, how can I put such expectations on his emotions.



Furthermore, I know that there are same-sex couples raising well-adjusted children, so I don't agree that it's selfish for a single woman to choose to use a sperm donor to conceive a child.

Lucy - posted on 08/15/2010

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To me, the issues surrounding the conception and birth of a child can become so engrossing that it is easy to forget about the long term challenges.

In principle, I have no problem with women using a donor to conceive a child, but it depends on the way it is dealt with. If the donor is known to the mother, and accepts that at some point in their life the child may want to contact them and have a relationship, that seems fine, as long as the child has other strong male role models along the way. However, if the donor is anonymous, I think this can create some issues with identity for the child later on. If a child has no possibility of tracking and finding out about half of their biological heritage, as a young adult they can develop problems with their sense of self, and feel they have no roots to define who they are.

There was a land mark court case here in the UK a couple of years ago where it was ruled that a young man should have access to information in order to trace his biological father, who was an anonymous sperm donor. Thinking that he was safe from ever having to face the many potential children he had created as a donor, the father was very unreceptive to the point of hostile towards his son. This was understandably devastating for the young man concerned.

So, whilst I think that some women (and men, for that matter) can make fantastic single parents, whether it was planned that way or not, I think that the well being of the future adult the child will become should be fully considered when deciding how to go about creating your family. Everybody deserves to know where they come from.

Tara - posted on 08/15/2010

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Cathy when you say "I just think it's selfish to CHOOSE that option using the sperm of an unknown male." do you really mean that a woman should forgo all hope of being a mother solely because she for whatever reason has not "fallen in love" with the right man?? Isn't that a little bit selfish of you? To say that only woman with men in their lives should be having children is insulting to women who are choosing to be a single mom, like someone else pointed out these women are generally well off financially, older, more available to their children etc.
And I think what Jamie was trying to say is that while your son was "missing" something as he knew that other kids had both a mom and a dad, he wasn't missing it on the emotional level we tend to place on children. It is like knowing someone has died in the family, but having never met them, opposed to someone dying who you were close to. It affects you differently depending on how emotionally involved you were with that person. If a child has no emotional bond with a parent they can not in affect "miss" them in the way we assume they do. They may feel they are missing something, as in a tangible dad, but not the feeling of sadness that comes with missing your dad. does that make sense?

Jaime - posted on 08/14/2010

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Cathy, you could say the same thing about a Wii game system...lots of kids have them now and there are some kids that do not. I'm sure the kids that don't have them wish in some ways that they could have one, but it's not their reality. That has to be factored in somewhere. It's great that your son was able to bond so closely with your second husband, but not every kid will have that experience. I don't think kids can truly miss what they don't have, but I do think they wish for things they don't have a lot more when they are going through a tough time emotionally. Again, I'm not making assumptions about your life...I am speaking in general terms and even from my own childhood experiences. I had a mother and step father, but my step father wasn't around much and my mother was a depressed wreck. I ALWAYS dreamed of a better life...I still daydream like a fool sometimes, but I'm much more aware that I am in charge of how my life goes and I'm only lacking in the sense to let go of what I can't control and focus on the positive aspects of my life. It sucks balls when a father walks away from his kid(s) but life goes on.

Meghan - posted on 08/14/2010

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I LOVE being a sinlge mom...freakin LOVE it! Is it hard hell yea! But if I was still with my ex I would be doing everything on my own anyway...I would still be the only one to comfort him at 3 am, clean up after him, provide healthy food, play with him...at least now I can be in control and I can ENJOY my time with him rather than be stressed out from man BS. Would it be healthier to bring a child into the world that is around constant fighting or tension or bring a child into the world who has love and affection-from whomever?
Single mom's CAN and DO raise beautiful well adjusted children. Single father's/gay couples can to!! My son (even though he isn't even 2 and I MAY be biased) is going to do amazing things with his life.

Jaime - posted on 08/14/2010

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Thanks for sharing your story Kati. Another reason to make me think that I CAN do it on my own and that Gray will be just as well-adjusted at the rest of his classmates when he reaches that age.

Doesn't mean that I don't still get sad sometimes wondering why and how it all happened this way...but I'm learning to take my cues from Gray and understand that he's happiest when things are simple and safe. Having Chris around now would likely throw a huge wrench in our lives and upset the balance that I've worked so hard to instill. It's always a work-in-progress and sometimes a struggle, but never NOT worth it.

Rosie - posted on 08/14/2010

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i also find that to be true jaime. my ex left when i was 10 weeks pregnant, and hasn't looked back. grant has asked me about his biological father once. seemed satisfied with the answer that his dad couldn't take care of him, so mom did for a while by herself, and now mom and daddy chad do. i don't know if it's because he's had chad's influence since he was age 3, or not, but in 10 1/2 years it's never been brought up to me. his previous question was when i was explaining that he has a dad named leo and the history of that (i wasn't going to lie to him about where he came from). he's never just brought it up on his own.
but i know MY feelings about leo not being there for grant are a hell of a lot more than grants. i was infuriated at first, and i wasn't even married to him-we only dated for 4 months. i couldn't imagine the way i'd feel if i was actually married to the man, i know my feelings would've been a million times worse.

Jaime - posted on 08/14/2010

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Teresa;

There are plenty of same-sex families raising extremely well-adjusted children. Children react to the stress and tension in their home life and I'm inclined to think that this "need" you seem to think your kids have for male attention, might be a result of that. I am not trying to make assumptions about your life because obviously I don't know you apart from CoM's, but you seem convinced that your children are suffering by not having their father around. You said yourself that they have plenty of male influence around, but somehow it's not enough for them? I'm sure they think it's enough...which is likely why your son wants to spend lots of time with his uncle. If his father wasn't around and he doesn't remember his father, then he's not missing his father. And seeing other kids hugging their dads and such is common everywhere...kids are also prone to following someone else' lead. I'm sure if these dads had a handful of chocolate bars your kids would want in on that too. Point is, you can't assume that your kids are suffering based on YOUR belief that they need to have a mom and a dad.



I am sad sometimes when I see Gray's dad drive by our house and think "he just lives around the corner, I don't understand why he won't come and see him"...but those moments are becoming less prevalent as I realize that Gray doesn't miss his dad---I do. A quick snap back to reality makes me also realize that I have a pretty good thing going here...I might have to struggle sometimes and I might dread the thought of having to tackle the housework with a toddler hot on my heels, the grass doesn't get cut for weeks at a time, the laundry gets washed and dried but not always folded and put away, meals are prepared to the best of my ability and patience for cooking in general...but it's not the end of the world for us to be on our own. I want my son to have people in his life that want to be in his life, not because they feel obligated or because it's what I want for him. I am confident that I can provide Gray with the emotional support he needs to be well aware of the difference our family and other families that subscribe to the 'nuclear' model. I think WE, the parents make it into much more of a problem than it actually is.

Rosie - posted on 08/14/2010

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definitely think that a woman should be able to get pregnant with insemination while single. who cares. almost 1/2 - 3/4 of married people are getting divorced anyway. doesn't seem like our "moral" society is any much different.

Jessica - posted on 08/14/2010

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I think that if a women has the means to love and raise a child on her own, then go for it! Many great men have been raised by women and no man and equally great women raised by a man. Its all about the love and the way you raise your child. Having a parent not there does not mean your child will suffer, its all in how you raise them and teach them about life.

[deleted account]

I thought about something I wanted to add. My step-niece doesn't have a father. She was pretty much conceived in a one night stand when my stepsister was 18. My stepsister lived w/ my dad and stepmom from the time she was about 6 months pregnant up until just a couple of months ago (my niece is almost 6 now). My niece is/has missed out on a LOT less than my kids have for the past 2.5 years. I don't think it neccessarily HAS to be the father (though I do think that's best), but you will never convince me that it is ok to intentionally set out to have a child that won't have a 'father figure' as a very, very regular part of that child's life (same for mother figure too).

[deleted account]

I can say it cuz I've seen it in my son, Jamie. I can see it when he prefers to go to 'Uncle John's' house over playgroup w/ his friends. I see it when he would go to just about any man out in public that he'd never even met, but be afraid to go up to any women (except me)... even the ones he knew since birth. I see it when my ex-cousin-in-law gives his sons hugs and kisses good-bye and my son insists on getting his too. I also see it in my girls by how they form serious attachments to just about any man that says hi to them (that scares me much more than my son's lacking).

I've already stated that a child CAN grow up to be just fine w/ only one parent.... doesn't mean they don't have an inborn need for both though.

Jaime - posted on 08/14/2010

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I am in your situation Teresa...I'm sure there are vast differences between our families, but I am also a single mom, raising a son without a father. What I disagree with in your case, is the assertion that our children are missing out. How can they miss what they don't have? Especially the kids that were very small when dad up and left? WE miss it...not them. WE project that stress and pain onto our everyday living and THAT is what our kids pick up on. I can't honestly say that Gray is missing a father, because he's not. He doesn't have his father in his life, and he's never been an active part (Gray is almost 18 months) so therefore it is impossible for him to miss out. I am his mother and father for all intents and purposes. He has male role models the same as your children do, and although they don't play a 'dad' part...so what? Some guys are better suited to be fathers than others and granted those guys that don't truly respect the role of 'father' should just fuck their hats, but it's not the end of the world for our children if their fathers suck. I'm not going to lie to Gray about his father. If and when he asks, we will talk about him and I will do my best to focus on the positive aspects of the time he and I spent together.



I don't think that the decision to voluntarily be a single mother is selfish...or I should say, it's no more selfish than any other person wanting to have a child. So what if there's no father or in some cases no mother? Having a male and female parent is not everyone's reality and all morals aside...it's so silly to get hung up on the idea that kids NEED both in order to function well in society. Last time I checked, society wasn't just comprised of happy-go-lucky nuclear families. Correct me if I'm wrong, but Barack Obama himself was raised by a single mother, no? His presidency aside, he appears to be a loving, devoted father and husband.

Sharon - posted on 08/13/2010

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Your view is unique - i can't see it. But you do. So you'll do what is right for your kids.

[deleted account]

Yeah, in this society my logic is seen as flawed. Doesn't take knowing me long to know my opinions on those family situations either, Sharon. I KNOW I'm in the minority on my views on many, many topics and I'm quite ok w/ that. ;)

[deleted account]

If it were me, IF i had chosen a career and not met Mr Right then sure you know what i would do it. I would be a single mum BUT i would only ever do it 1 time i find it Extreemly easy with 1 child but maybe that come from having 3 and looking back at how easy it was?
I'd do it without a man anyday soemtimes they just are NOT worth the hassle.

Sharon - posted on 08/13/2010

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You're going on and on about missing out on a father but then what about lesbian parents? Or gay dads?

There is no dad for the lesbians and no mother for the gays? I think your logic is flawed. Maybe your kids are more affected by the abandonment of their birth father. Its your job to convince them that they aren't missing out on anything.

Plenty of kids only have one parent and they turn out just fine.

I'm sorry your kids are hurting but its different that a father left or died versus "mommy wanted a baby but I couldn't find a daddy so I had you by myself". The kid never lost anything, wasn't abandoned.

I dunno - my point is theoretical since I can't think of anyone offhand that was raised by only one parent.

[deleted account]

Sometimes a kid IS better off w/ only one parent. That still doesn't make it right to set out to intentionally give that kid only one parent regardless of it's a sperm donor or a one night stand.

Sorry, this is a subject that I am extremely passionate about since I've seen the suffering of my children every single day for the past 2.5 years. No matter how much I get them around their grandpa and 'uncles'... it will never replace what they don't have. Even though my son has never 'known' what he's missing... he KNOWS and it shows. :(

Jenni - posted on 08/13/2010

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pffffffft. Old, Christian, Republican hogwash. What's the difference if they go out and have a one night stand to get pregnant?? What's the difference if the parents divorce/break up. If Billy had it his way there'd be no divorce, no gay marriage, we'd go to a christian church on sundays, we'd all drive stratuses and we'd all wear suspenders! Oh yeah, funny how he's not opposed to sending fathers away to war and leaving the women to raise the children on their own.

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