Slacker Dads aka Sperm Donors

Kimberly - posted on 10/14/2010 ( 20 moms have responded )

705

59

52

I was reading another convo, "Moms using children as pawns!" and started wondering why mothers chose these types of men to father their children.
If your child's father is a dead beat, drug addict, abusive, criminal, (insert negative attribute or character flaw here). What was he like before you chose to have a child with him? Did he just morph over night into a villain or did you think you could change him? I think some women are drawn to bad men and take them on as a pet project psych experiment.
I know the first hand excitement of being with a bad boy and was in it for 10 years before I walked. I really did think I could change him. Ah the little girl mentality. THANK GOD I did not have a child with that man. I would have no one to blame but myself.
If you knew what kind of man he was going into it, whose fault is it?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Charlie - posted on 10/14/2010

11,203

111

409

I went out with the typical bad boys before i grew up and found Jamie .

I think the reason I went out with these guys is because at the time i really didnt think i was worth any better , sad i know , luckily i went trhough a transition where i realised my self worth and through my confidence in myself attracted a REAL man who was passionate and respectful .

Luckily i never fell pregnant with any of the other guys , mistakes happen , contraception isnt 100% and it can often land women in situations with men they never intended on falling pregnant with , on the other hand some women really do want to "fix" men and others want to get out but cant because they are scared of the abusiv situation they are in .

I dont think its a simple question of whos fault is it , it all depends on each situation it could be the women but it can also be the men .

Jenny - posted on 10/14/2010

4,426

16

129

Some women like to sleep their way to financial stabilty and lock in a poor sap by lying about birth control right down to poking holes in the condom. I've met more then a few girls who pulled that stunt. Now they're crying that the dude wants nothing to do with them.

I do not believe consenting to sex equates with consenting to parenthood. It's almost at the point a guy needs to sign a waiver before he pulls the zipper down.

My first was a birth control baby. My partner asked me what I wanted to do and said he would support me in any decision. I told him I wanted to complete the pregnancy and if he did not want to be a Dad I would let him walk away. Of course, he didn't want that and we're together ot this day but I wouldn't have lorded the baby over him if he did.

Yes, I know there are tons of guys out there who act into it, promise you the moon, then bail. Those are not whom I'm referring to. I'm referring to women who equate having kids with a free ride.

Amie - posted on 10/14/2010

6,596

20

412

That is a fact Liz but the OP asked why women CHOSE to have children with these men. I pointed out why some DIDN'T choose it, it just happened.

Rosie - posted on 10/14/2010

8,657

30

321

i knew my ex boyfriend was a bit of an absent father, but i made excuses for him. he had his kid when he was 16, the mother doesn't take care of him either, and Leo's parents ended up taking care of his son for him, and her. he still saw zachary (his son) about every week (he lived about an hour away). so there was this part of me that kinda felt sorry for him. he cried to me about how he wanted to be there for zachary, and how he was working hard to get his son back. blah, blah blah. i got pregnant immediately. i was on the pill, and we used a condom, cause stupid me i had gotten pregnant the month before and had a miscarriage.



his actions showed me one thing, his words showed me another. i chose to believe his words. he's not a "bad boy". he's an asshole, but he was different from the other "bad boys" i had slept with before-he actually stuck around. -well stuck around long enough to get me pregnant twice and then leave 10 weeks into it, and never look back.

so to answer this quesiton, it is both of our faults for getting pregnant, his fault for choosing to leave. i didn't make that decision for him, i only can control what i do. he controls what he does. sure i made a mistake, but i've dealt with my mistake. he hasn't. am i making sense?? lol!

[deleted account]

Thats true Amie but everyone does know that the only thing that is 100% is no sex or a hysterectomy. So basically if you have sex you take that chance knowingly.

This conversation has been closed to further comments

20 Comments

View replies by

Sal - posted on 10/14/2010

1,816

16

34

you should never have a baby to save a marriage or change a man....that being said many men do change after becomming dads, and not always for the better, my ist was a bc baby, we were pretty much over when i found out i was expecting (i was 4 months along) i was distraught but my long term bf was estatic-(i think he thought he had me trapped), so we stayed together, but it didn't make a difference, we still fought about everything, and in the end i asked him to leave, and he did completely, left aus, i never heard from him again, until recently now he is all sorry about it and regrets his actions but it was 15 years ago and his run is a bit late....i would never say that i wouldn't do it all again as i have my wonderful boy but i would given my time again cut out the asngst and kick him out before i had the baby and saved myself another year of greif...

Jenni - posted on 10/14/2010

5,928

34

393

It really comes down to the situation. Some women have low self-esteem. Maybe they've grown up with bad examples of men and don't know any better. Maybe they've had a shady past as well and were dating at par. They we're young and inexperienced. They weren't trying to get pregnant. The man was false and they didn't see it.

Kim, I hear you... I have one of those as well! We were together 5 years and I wasn't always precautious. He was very manipulative and I was a combination of all the examples I have just given. LUCKILY someone must have been looking out for me and I didn't get pregnant.

[deleted account]

My closet friend refers to her father as "sperm donor". Her mom resents her calling him that. Her mom takes responsibility for her shitty decisions but for some reason my friend can't let it go. She's in denial and it's obviously her way of coping. Just wanted to share...

Carolee - posted on 10/14/2010

21,950

17

585

My son's biological father left me without warning. I woke up with him taking his stuff out to his brother-in-law's car. Half an hour after I woke up, I was a single mother with a total of $50 that he gave me to "survive" on. No warning, just left. His excuse for leaving was that he had a dream that I cheated on him, so I obviously had. Before that, I was treated as a princess. Some men are just crazy, and you don't find out until it's too late.

Amie - posted on 10/14/2010

6,596

20

412

I find it more interesting that women put the pressure on other women to take responsibility and get over it... than they do the men involved.



Men are equally at fault, if he decides to walk off the moment pregnancy is mentioned, his issue. He's the sperm donor from that point on, he's not a dad, he's only a father by the fact of biology. It happens, no reason to take it personally for a situation that isn't even your own.



For a long time my ex was "the sperm donor" for the simple fact that he walked right out of their lives when we broke up. Now he's back and he's earning his title of dad. As of right now, he's their father and it stops there. They call him by his name, one day they may call him dad but I'll leave that up to them. When they deem him worthy of the title dad, he will be dad too. For now, that title is my husband's alone by our children's doing.

Kimberly - posted on 10/14/2010

705

59

52

You guys are really taking the "sperm donor" label literally. I meant that jokingly, but it is interesting to get your take on it, I guess.

My sister and I affectionately refer to my bio father as "the sperm donor"- amongst ourselves, not to his face of course. It is one of the many terms of endearment we secretly have for him. He was married to my mom for 9 years but was some what of a dead beat. So the term "sperm donor" wasn't meant to be code for casual unprotected sex that resulted in an oops. Just a nickname. Carry on.

Stifler's - posted on 10/14/2010

15,141

154

604

I don't agree with the term sperm donor either, if you have sex with someone THERE'S A RISK THAT YOU'LL GET PREGNANT. Don't go around making excuses for it, you did it get over it.

[deleted account]

I hate the term sperm donor fullstop. The woman chose to sleep with the man (unless she was raped), end of really. Some people do change like a switch some are like that in the first place. I suppose it's no ones fault but sometimes people are just stupid or victims.

Amie - posted on 10/14/2010

6,596

20

412

"First up, I am just going to say, I HATE the term *sperm donor* unless he actually jerked off in a cup to give you the sperm, because otherwise, you, as a woman, CHOSE to sleep with him, regardless of what type of person he was. So if he only hung around long enough to implant his sperm, what does that make you? "

Not everyone plans on getting pregnant though Jodi. Some even take precautions and it still happens.

My oldest is a BC baby, my friends son is the result of a broken condom. It happens and the dad in those scenarios, not always anything more than a sperm donor.

Yes we (in the general sense) chose to sleep with that person, doesn't mean we chose to have a child with him. Which opens up a whole other can of worms for those who are of the mind, Don't have sex unless you're prepared to have a child. Doesn't always work that way and not everyone thinks that way.

[deleted account]

The reality is people do change, some for the better some for the worst.
If you choose to have a kids with a dip shit dead beat, sure thats on you. But that doesn't mean they will always be that way. My ex grew up and is a good dad now, it took time.

[deleted account]

I always had 'issues' w/ my ex, but the 'father' he is now (to MY kids, at least) is completely unlike the man I married. The man I THOUGHT I knew... really doesn't exist.

Jodi - posted on 10/14/2010

3,562

36

3907

First up, I am just going to say, I HATE the term *sperm donor* unless he actually jerked off in a cup to give you the sperm, because otherwise, you, as a woman, CHOSE to sleep with him, regardless of what type of person he was. So if he only hung around long enough to implant his sperm, what does that make you?



I was married to my ex for 7 years, and had been with him for 5 years before that. He wasn't always an arsehole, no. Yes, he did literally morph overight. About 3 years into our marriage, his father died. My ex didn't have a great relationship with his dad, and didn't really make the effort. To make things worse, no-one told my ex outright that his father was going to die (I mean, he was on a lung transplant list, it didn't take a rocket scientist to know the odds for a 54 year old man weren't great, but my ex didn't work it out).



He became an angry, angry person when his dad died. Really angry. He became abusive. He also decided his dad was right about everything and I was the woman and he expected that I should be doing all of the housework and cooking. I battled that for another 2 years and then we discussed separation. That's when I found out I was pregnant. It wasn't a fun time. I had a husband claiming it wasn't his baby, and staying out all night drinking with his friends. And I had a baby to think of. So I decided to try to make things work.



Two years later we split. Looking back, it was absolutely inevitable.



Anyway, sorry for the rant. But he wasn't always the person he is now. Extreme circumstances changed the person he was, and he became a person I didn't like, and 15 years later, still don't like. He is not a nice person. He still has anger issues. There is only so much, as a wife, you can take in trying to support a partner through difficult times. I reached my limit when he wouldn't help himself.



He's not a great dad, but he does ok. His son loves him. He does wish his dad would spend more time with him when he goes to his house - he tends to get shoved off to his room to watch TV or play his DS. But he enjoys what time he does get. I personally have nothing to do with him myself these days.

Amie - posted on 10/14/2010

6,596

20

412

I think for some they use it as a shield. They know what kind of person he is but it's ok when they're together.



Once they split up though, they use it as their "shield" to make his life hell.



Some men honestly do change after a break up though. My ex was an alright father before we split up. Not the best but he was there for the kids and paid attention to them. After we broke up, he totally slacked off. He's recently come back into their lives and is trying harder. I think that has more to do with the fact that he's growing up, is engaged and finally is starting to screw his head on straight. We were young when we had the kids. He has a ways to go but he's taking the steps to get there.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms