Some ideas please?

Sharon - posted on 01/17/2011 ( 19 moms have responded )

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I have a divorced friend who has an 8 yr old little girl.

She has fallen behind on her bills and has asked someone to move in with her. I don't know if this is a friend or a boyfriend. It is a male.

Originally her daughter was ok with this.

After spending the day with her dad she came home and asked to live with her father and said she didn't want the friend to move in.

My friend is TORN. She needs to make ends meet She's going to wind up homeless if she doesn't get this roommate help.

She's worried her ex is putting ideas into their daughters' head. There is a possibility that if she lets this happen the ex & his family could turn the daughter against her. Yeah - in the end - the truth will out but in the mean time, the mom misses out on all these sweet years. But she doesn't want to force her daughter to into a situation that truely (if it does) frightens her or upsets her.

She's had her mom alone for nearly all her life. Her dad has been an on again off again situation until the past couple of years.

IDEAS?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Carolyn - posted on 01/17/2011

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it is entirely possible that the father is not putting ideas into her head.

i get frustrated when so many jump to the conclusion that all men are assholes.

it is entirely possible that this little girl mentioned her new roommate to her dad, and a simple question like " how do you feel about that| could open flood gates.

maybe she has been uncomfortable with it the whole time but just didnt want to tell her mom, didnt want to disappoint, worry, feel like she is the reason they would lose their house if she spoke up etc. its entirely possible that the father simply encouraged his daughter to tell her mom how she really felt.

kids sometimes also tell each parent what they think they want to hear. " yes mom its okay" so mom will be happy " i dont like the idea dad" thinking its what dad wants to hear. .. this does happen, alot ! kids are smart, more often smarter than they get credit for !

im just saying, lets not beat up on dad, we definitely do not know the whole story. we dont know who this man is to the mom, if he has met the little girl etc.

is the mom not able to relocate to a more affordable appartment/ house ? has she even tried finding a female roommate ? is the daughter uncomfortable with a roommate period or just a dude moving in ?

the idea of posting something at a nearby college/university is a great idea, you can get med students, or education students who are gone 80 % of the time, and will pay rent through the summer while they are gone home just to keep their accomodations for next semester.

mom needs to talk to her daughter, and let her know that it is okay for her to be honest. mom also needs to not react with any frustration, disappointment, resentment or anger either. she needs to be open , and listen. regardless of whether or not this little girl gets any say in the bottom line, her feelings and worries need to be acknowlegde and adressed before her mom does anything. especially if she wants to maintain a healthy and open relationship with her.

Amie - posted on 01/17/2011

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If this is a boyfriend, that mom has dropped the ball. You never, ever, move a partner into the house without the kid(s) having met the person and gotten to know him/her.

If it's just a room mate. She needs to talk to her daughter. Find out what is the exact problem. She needs to do what she can to ease her worries.

If it is coming from her ex. She needs to tell him to butt out of her life. If he has concerns, he should bring them to her and not ferret information to their daughter. Children should never be the go between for parents. On the same note, parents should not use the children against each other. Grow up and act like the parents you're supposed to be.

If this is the only way for them to keep their home, then so be it. She needs to sit and draw it out of her daughter though. It's the only way to understand the mind change.

I do think the ex is being a dick and stuck some things in her head though. =/

Katherine - posted on 01/17/2011

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Government Assistance? They will do emergency evictions and foreclosures (I believe).

19 Comments

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Sharon - posted on 01/18/2011

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AH! Its not a strange man. I don't know if its a boyfriend or just a male friend, but he is known to the little girl.

Bonnie - posted on 01/18/2011

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Yeah I agree that the father possibly said things to her about this male friend moving in. Maybe he even said things to the daughter like, "oh your mom is having a man move in. She is going to forget all about you and you will be all alone." I know it is kind of far fetched, but I have heard of stories like this before. I think her mother should really consider having a female move in instead. Not only will this probably make her daughter more comfortable, but way less of a chance that the father could make up stories in regards to the situation; if that is the case.

Shauna - posted on 01/18/2011

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Im sure the dad put some thoughts into her little head, but can you blame him? Being the father of daughter, i wouldnt want my daughter living with another unknown man! ... weather hes been there 100% or not, im sure he still care about her well being. That being said, mom needs to find a female roomate.

[deleted account]

I wouldn't move anyone into our home that my children weren't completely comfortable w/ and definitely wouldn't move a man in w/ my two almost pre-teen daughters.

I would look into a female room mate (well, I wouldn't. I don't want ANYONE in my house....) or some type of rental assistance/emergency assistance.

Whether or not the ex is putting ideas into the kid's head or not... my kids have a right to feel comfortable in their own home and I will not intentionally do anything that I know will cause waves w/ my ex.... I get enough of those by doing the RIGHT thing.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 01/18/2011

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Mandy, I disagree, this is the little girls home, she needs to feel safe and comfortable in her own home.



**I just asked my husband about this, hypothetically speaking...divorced etc..he said "not with my daughter in the house" But then again, his only suggestion was to get a female roommate.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 01/18/2011

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Let me give an example....I knew my step dad well before my mom and him got married and moved in....he slept over, we new him well. But then he moved in, and it did not feel like my home anymore....regardless of wether this girl knows the man...having a strange man in the house changes things....so would having a women...but it would possibly be more comfortable.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 01/18/2011

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I personnally would not feel comfortable with a man moving in with me and my 8 year old daughter...for oh so many reasons....she can find a female roomate that will pay hopefully.

Sharon - posted on 01/18/2011

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You make some good points Carolyn. I kind of hope you're right.

Unfortunately, knowing the situation and both of them, I'm worried the dad and his mom are the ones controlling the little girl/putting ideas in her head.

I'll suggest the female roommate thing but I'm pretty sure a stranger is out of the question.

[deleted account]

It just also dawned on me that a friend of mine was going through something similar (minus the ex). Single mom, etc. She went to her local college and posted a notice on the community board (one of the ones you can tack a paper on and let people rip off the phone # at the bottom). She specified "FEMALE ONLY". She got several replies. College kids are always looking for cheap housing and your friend sounds like she only needs help, not a free ride. My friend ended up having a better job fall into her lap, so she ended up not needing the room mate after all, but she also met some good girls that way (through posting on the board), who she ended up "using" as babysitters instead of room mates. Is that a possibility?

Melissa - posted on 01/17/2011

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If it were me I would talk to my daughter and explain to her what was happening that someone needed to move in and ask why she was bothered about it and just have proper chat so she understood what was going on. For me I dont think its right to let an 8 year have a say in that kind of thing I think they have to learn to accept whats going to happen

Sharon - posted on 01/17/2011

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Um - My friend has um unfair female attributes. Dark flashing eyes, huge heaving breasts, dark tawny skin..

She's gorgeous and not many women are comfortable with her. They feel threatened. I'm one of the few who doesn't give a shit. I gotta man. LMAO! Oh and he isn't in the curvy women.

A female roommate isn't OUT - I guess its just not an option right now. Well, not without taking in a complete stranger.

Jodi - posted on 01/17/2011

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I can see the ex's issue with a male moving in. It sounds like maybe she hasn't known this person long? And the daughter doesn't know him all that well? I must admit, I'd be concerned if I were the other parent, too, unless I understood the relationship. I had concerns initially when my ex moved in with a girldfriend he met on the internet and she moved from interstate to move in with him. I was pretty nervous, and our son was 12. I was also nervous abotu the fact that she had a 10 year old daughter, and the first time my son ever met them was after they had already moved into his dad's house. So I think some concern is understandable.



With regard to ideas, I think it depends on the relationship between mum and the guy that has moved in.....but maybe a meeting between mum and dad may be in order here? And perhaps dad needs to meet the new roommate? Or is their relationship as fucked up as mine is with my ex and there is no way in hell?

[deleted account]

Female roomie is what I was thinking too, when I was reading it. I don't know how, but women do it all the time alone also. Like I said, I've never been a single mom so I don't know how on earth they juggle it all and pay bills and still have time to spend with their kids. I agree with Katherine too....government assistance could help too. Wish I had more to offer!

♏*PHOENIX*♏ - posted on 01/17/2011

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This is hard Sharon….goodness…
Its like that saying “Im damned if I do and Im damned if I don’t”

Clearly this lady needs to keep a roof over her head….as well as her daughters…and unless the family is going to help her out with rent…then she needs to have this roommate.
If she doesn’t want to force her daughter to stay with her then she is going to have to take that risk in letting her stay with her father.

If her daughter and her have a good relationship now then it will be unbreakable by anyone. And actions speak louder then words…

If this was me and I had a fear of my son being turned against me, he would just have to stay with me….

[deleted account]

Honestly with young girl and ex drama she would be better off finding a female roommate. Its a very good possibility her dad put some ideas in her head and if this is a boyfriend then your friends daughter may just have to suck it up. This is one of those be a parent not a friend situation, her daughter isn't old enough to understand the situation and not old enough to choose where she lives.

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