Spanking. I have changed my ways....

~♥Little Miss - posted on 02/18/2011 ( 21 moms have responded )

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Ok, so I was a spanker. Not often, and only when I felt my son "deserved" it...but due to all of the disciplinary debates on here, I have "seen the light". I no longer will ever spank my son. Please mind you that I was not abusive, nor was it regular...maybe once per month...sometimes more...mostly less. I have recently aquired the book "How to talk so kids will listen, & listen so kids will talk" by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish. I want to be the best parent I can be, and I find that hitting, spanking, popping, smacking (whatever you want to call it) just was not working for our house. I thought it was, but then I stepped back and saw. I took a hard look.



I asked my son, "do you know why momma spanks you sometimes?" His response "cause you are really mad at me". It broke my heart...that is NOT why I spanked. I have stopped timeouts for the same reason...same answer.



Will you ever stop spanking? Have you ever REALLY talked to your kids about "why?"



*Edited to add* my household runs differently without that looming threat of doing something wrong and getting punished with pain.



Thank you ladies for making this such a controversial topic, and helping mothers like me see things differently.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Krista - posted on 02/18/2011

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I think that's fantastic, Marina.

And I think that we ALL have to look at ourselves and always ask ourselves, "Is this working?"

I was once so tempted to spank Sam that my hands were shaking. I wanted him to sit down in the tub and he just wouldn't. I'd plunk him down, and he'd just pop up, laughing. Repeat this about 40 times. I was sweaty and frazzled and at the end of my rope, and wanted nothing more than to spank his little arse if he stood just one more time.

And I stopped, and realized that this was more about ME, not him. I wanted to spank, because I was frustrated and at the end of my rope.

Then and there, I decided that I would never spank. I'm not one of those parents who can calmly, rationally deliver a spanking -- I'd be one of those parents who spanks out of frustration for some minor annoying kid thing that isn't even that bad. And what the hell purpose would THAT serve?

So, knowing myself, I've forbidden myself from spanking my children. Blanket ban. And it's actually MUCH easier to just have that permanent kibosh on spanking -- it's just not an option anymore, so I don't even have to think about it.

Ez - posted on 02/18/2011

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Congratulations Marina! That's fabulous news :)

Krista, I have had several moments like you described. That's when I give MYSELF a time out lol. But it illustrates to me that the only reason I would ever smack would be to relieve my own anger or frustration. So I have also ruled it out completely.

Louise - posted on 02/18/2011

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I did spank my sons when they were growing up when I felt the occasion required it, they are now 17 and 20 and are loving respectful sons. All that smacking achieved for me was making me feel dreadful and out of control.

Quite a few years later I had a daughter and there is no way on this planet I would smack her as I feel I have grown up and now have the patients to put my point across to her without resorting to violence.

I am glad you have decided to stop the smacking but I think I will still use the naughty step as it is the fastest way to demonstrate to my daughter that I am not happy with her behaviour without shouting at her or smacking her. We mums all find our own ways of disciplin that works for us. I have a daughter that is 2 years 3 months and going through the terrible twos but now she understands that screaming and hitting is not the way to get attention from me she just gets a 2 minute time out and then a chat and a cuddle.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 02/18/2011

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That is why I loved time outs....cause we both needed them...but still he got the message confused that I was just mad at him....I know what you are saying Krista....that is definately how some of our spanks would go....boy being difficult...momma hits but out of frusteration....not a healthy feeling. It is learning a new way to deal with our OWN emotions so they do not build up inside until it exits out our hands onto our little ones.

Jessica - posted on 02/18/2011

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That's awesome! I refuse to do it. I have vowed ever since I was old enough to think about being a parent that I'd never hit my kids- I'm well acquainted with the many ways in which it can be harmful and that it doesn't "work."

21 Comments

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Krista - posted on 02/18/2011

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Yep. I think that a lot of parents don't realize that sometimes THEY need a time-out. If you have to put your kid in his playpen or crib and walk away for 5 minutes, don't feel like you're punishing your kid for nothing -- we all get to the end of our rope, and it's much more fair to the child for them to be unceremoniously plunked in their crib for no good reason, then to be spanked for no good reason, right?

Krista - posted on 02/18/2011

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Aww...DMak's left ventricle is grinning. That's GOT to be adorable!

Esther - posted on 02/18/2011

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Marina - I think it's great that you were willing to take an honest look at your own parenting and make a change. That's not an easy thing to do and I applaud you for doing it.

Amie - posted on 02/18/2011

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Kate! My husband is the same way! I have to step in sometimes, never in front of the kids mind you - I pull him a side to give him a kick. LOL!

It does take time, we use a lot of talking (god it seems like we're always talking and it's probably why none of mine ever shut up now =/ Double edged sword that is. haha) of consequences, imparting good listening skills (a lot of adults don't have this, never mind kids - it is a learned skill, it is not natural for many people) we let natural consequences work their course when it's feasible, etc.

Some days, you will want to rip your hair out (I know I do anyway) but it works out in the end. =)

Tara - posted on 02/18/2011

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Way to go! There are always better more productive respectful ways to raise our kids. Bravo to you!

Melissa - posted on 02/18/2011

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I take away priviledges. If Im about to give her her meal I tell her seh can watch a DVD or do playdo after if she doesnt eat I tell her she cant do thast anymore because she didnt eat. I dont smack anymore. I dont know if I will again. Maybe on rare occasions. Im trying to focus on positive parenting

~♥Little Miss - posted on 02/18/2011

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I will look into that book...I have to go get another one about weening while breastfeeding this weekend...Thanks

[deleted account]

I could kiss you, Marina!

I highly recommend Barbara Colorosso's "Kids are Worth it!".....great book, very practical and relatable.

Kate CP - posted on 02/18/2011

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I stopped spanking because it wasn't working. We've started using the removal of privileges as consequences and we talk about things more now. The results are less tantrums and a happier kid and Mommy. Daddy sometimes thinks we are letting her get away with stuff but he's still of the mindset that children should just obey without question. He's getting better though.

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