Spin Off: Grown-up Parents Having Sex @ Mom and Pop's

Mrs. - posted on 07/16/2011 ( 42 moms have responded )

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This is a spin off of the should teens have sex at home to be safe with parents approval...and would you let your kid do this post.



I see I am in the minority when it comes to having parents who were open as a teen about me having sex in the house. I am also in the minority when it comes to it being okay to have sex with my fiance in their home now when I visit for a couple weeks each year.



So, I'm curious and want to open it up. Have you had sex in your parent's house with your SO when on an extended visit? Would you see it as disrespectful?



So I'm curious ladies who don't have sex at their parents house now that they are grown....



Would you have sex in your parent's house if you had to live with them (and your husband/children) for an extended period of time due to extenuating circumstances? We are talking months, even a year...would you still be "respectful" then?



What if your one of your parents had to live with you because of financial issues, would you expect them not to have sex for years out of respect for you?



Or what if one of your parents, is divorced or widowed and has to live with you because of financial reasons, would you expect them never to have sex with a new partner in your home?



I'm just curious about the parameters of this respect by not having sex within 50 feet of parents respect thing.

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Johnny - posted on 07/18/2011

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I just want to throw out there that for a great many cultures (globally probably it's actually the "norm") children live with their parents until the parents die. Generation after generation. Sometimes they move in with the husband's family, sometimes with the wife's family, and sometimes the parents come and live with the children. In many of these cultures, it may be considered a sign that there is something wrong with the family unit if the parents are not living with at least one of their children. In the city where I live, it is very common for more three or more generations to live under the same roof. Often entire extended families from great-grandparents, aunts, uncles, parents, kids, grand-kids may share a home. I find the idea that living with one's parents is inherently bad laughable. It might not work for us individually, I would rather sell my kidney than move in with my parents. But there is nothing wrong with the practice in general at all.

And obviously in such set-ups people have sex in the home. Those cultures (and ours too since we practiced this traditionally) would have died out long ago if people couldn't have sex under a shared roof.

If I was going to be a guest in someone's home who made it clear that we should not be having sex under their roof, I would not do it. But I would definitely be keeping the visit very brief and would plan to stay in other accommodations the next time. I can live without sex, but I would be rather bitchy.

Mary - posted on 07/18/2011

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I'm still stuck on Sherri's response that having sex in your parent's house (as an adult married couple with kids) is disrespectful. I just don't see it.

As I said, my ex and I lived with my parents for about 8 months. We had purchased a new home, which was in the process of being built, and our existing home had sold within days of being put on the market. We considered renting (the new home should have been completed within 3 months, but we all know how that goes!), but my parents, who had more than enough space, thought it silly for us to do so. They offered to host us.

As I said, my parents themselves had a happy, healthy sex life, and had encouraged my sister and I to pursue the same in our own marriages. Although I never had an explicit conversation with them about it, I can pretty much guarantee that they did not expect my then husband and I to abstain from a normal, healthy sexual relationship while we were living with them. In fact, I think my mother would have chastised me if she thought that we were.

As I also said, it's not as if we were flaunting it every time we had sex. We certainly were not screaming our heads off, or going at it on the kitchen table. However, what went on behind the closed door of our bedroom was our business; I just don't see how it was in any way "disrespectful" of my parents.

I can see abstaining for a night or so if it is just a brief visit, but if you are living with them for an extended period of time??? That, to me, is just bizarre. I come from a pretty traditional, and very Catholic family. My parents really did wait until they got married to have sex, and believe(d) firmly that sex was something that should be reserved for marriage. However, once married, they both believed, and taught me, that it was an integral part of the relationship with your spouse. Something almost sacred to be shared and enjoyed with this person whom you love - not something you should ever be ashamed of, or try to dismiss as "unnecessary" in the relationship.

I guess I can chalk this up as yet another reason to be grateful for the parents I was given.

Amber - posted on 07/17/2011

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" Sex is not a need and easy to go without for extended periods of time if need be."

I 100% disagree. Sex is not easy for most people to go without for long periods of time when in a committed relationship. You may not feel that it's something you need, but not many others see it that way. I would never willingly go without for an extended period.

Jenny - posted on 07/18/2011

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"Amber sex is a want not a need. You will not die without sex, you will die from the elements, without food & water. Many people go without sex for years. People can go without it for an extended period of time without problems."

I don't think that is true. You won't die but you won't be really living either. It can lead to all sorts of emotional issues and feelings of isolation. We are sexual creatures and it really is a part of our complete makeup to want sex. It can bring a deep connection to the person we are with and makes us feel good. If you don't want it, it is likely time to seek therapy and figure out why that is. I have went through periods of not wanting it and when I later reflected back on it, there was always a reason. Our desire for sex is the reason we are here right now.

[deleted account]

That's fine Sherri and understandable. But a lot of your post come across as "it's my way or no way." Not just here, but in most debates. There are gray areas in almost every debate and you come across as black and white. I was attempting to show a gray area of why a married adult couple would live in their parents' home and why sex would be appropriate.

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Sherri - posted on 07/18/2011

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Well my mind has been changed by reading others views on it. My personal feelings have not. However, if others are comfortable with it under their roofs more power to them as long as you aren't doing it under mine.

Krista - posted on 07/18/2011

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And that's totally cool and totally your prerogative. I had read your earlier post as you saying that you thought it was inappropriate for ANYBODY to have sex in anybody else's home, which is likely why so many people were protesting.

Sherri - posted on 07/18/2011

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Which may be fine for others. It would never be okay for myself. I would go elsewhere before I ever had sex in anyone elses home ever. I personally would NEVER be comfortable with it.

Sherri - posted on 07/18/2011

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Guys I am simply saying how I would and do feel and what I would and wouldn't do. If you all choose to do things differently great. I won't be living with my parents ever, they can not house a family of 6 period. So my situation is different from the get go. We would be hanging from the friggin rafters as they only have a 3 bedroom house and they obviously would have the master bedroom. I won't be having sex in anyone elses home EVER. Nobody will be having sex in mine either unless it is my husband and I.

[deleted account]

I'm with Mary (et. al) 100%.



We lived in my in-laws' house for three years. We could have rented, but they WANTED us to live there. They live out of state most of the year. It was an advantage to them to have someone living in and taking care of the house. It was an advantage to us to live rent free for three years. We are family. We do such things for one another.



@Sherri, you are Catholic right? My in-laws believe that within the context of a Christian marriage, sex is totally appropriate. It even says so in the Bible. Paul tells us not to abstain except for times of prayer and mutual consent. The fact that it is mentioned in the Bible tells me that it is VERY IMPORTANT for a married couple.



I suppose we could have gotten a hotel room EVERY time the mood was right during those three years. Ummm...except we lived 45 minutes from the closest hotel and having to drive there and pay $50-$100 would have been a mood killer.

Mrs. - posted on 07/18/2011

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I agree, Jenny. I agree because I had chronic pelvic pain for years that made sex sometimes next to impossible. It most definitely, messed with my mind and body. I told myself that it was okay and "many people go without sex for years".

Here's the deal though, after my body got better....I noticed the huge gap I had in my heart, a feeling of not being fully human, or a woman because I could not tolerate being stimulated.

Frankly, I think it is sad to think that people might be going through the same things I did and think that's all there is...That it is no big deal, when it is. It is a part of who you are as a woman and a person. It is just one part, but in my opinion not a disposable one.

Krista - posted on 07/18/2011

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I think it's probably more difficult to go without sex, however, when you have a willing person lying rightfreakingnexttoyou that entire time.

Gad, I don't think we even WOULD be able to abstain for that long -- we'd probably wind up doing it in our sleep.

[deleted account]

Well... as I said in the other post.... I think my girls were probably conceived at my dad's house, so.... We weren't staying overnight there though. Just over in the day time. He wasn't home if that makes it any better. lol



We hadn't stayed in anyone else's home since our girls were just barely a year. We did have sex there.



It's quite easy to go w/out sex (at least for me) though as I've done it for the past 3.5 years. ;)

Mary - posted on 07/18/2011

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Anna, if it's any help, as I said, my time spent back in the family home really was, overall, an pleasant experience for ALL of us. I've always been blessed to have enjoyed an easy, open, and comfortable relationship with my family. We certainly irritate each other at times, but for the most part, we enjoy each other's company, and feel free to completely be ourselves with each other. My parents were also great about making both of my husbands feel just as comfortable as I do, which is probably why living there was no big hassle. I hope your transitional period goes as smoothly as mine did!

Mary - posted on 07/18/2011

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Sherri - my parents certainly were't put out by us staying with them; not only had they offered, but they were sad to see us go. truthfully, my father would have had a conniption of us wasting money by renting. He was the one who suggested we move in when our first home sold so quickly. Granted, there were some times when we all annoyed the crap out of each other, but overall, it was a pretty enjoyable experience for ALL of us. And, no, I never though of myself as a "guest" there. Like Krista's parents, my parents would have been terribly hurt if we had. I've always thought of that house as still being my home, even if I don't live there any more.



I don't think having sex with my husband, while I lived there, was even vaguely disrespectful. I was not engaging in behavior that was contradictory to their values

, or made them uncomfortable. Truth is, I doubt they ever knew preciselywhen "it" was occurring. It's not as if we announced it, nor did I give my mom my sticky sheets to launder (my mother hadn't done my laundry since I was about 10, so I don't think that would have been well-received!).



Now, if you are not comfortable with it, or know that your parents would be, that's a whole other ball of wax. But in a family such as mine, that thinks sex between a married couple is not only normal, but important, there is no issue with it being disrespectful. Me having sex with the college boyfriend they hated in their basement while, the they slept - yeah, that would be disrespectful. But as a married adult, with a man they accepted as part of their family? Not at all.

Anna - posted on 07/18/2011

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For me, it's easy to imagine my family living with my parents b/c we actually plan to do it in a few months. We will be moving back to my hometown after years out of state, and will live with them while we house hunt. I will be 8 months pregnant so we plan to stay there until after the baby and recovery, then move into our new home (here's hoping it goes as smoothly as possible, it's far from ideal I know). My parents have a full floor of bedrooms that hasn't been used since my brother left home and a large backyard. They each work full time so they won't even be there during the day. In short, it will be loads less expensive and much easier on the kids then a hotel would be. Me birthing a baby could make the whole sex aspect a non-issue, but if the baby comes late, well, then it's going to happen.

It may just be a situation that you can't understand unless you've been in it. Hypothetical's are almost always different from reality in some way or other. Or perhaps it's just that one persons's reality is different from yours, not better or worse but different.

Krista - posted on 07/18/2011

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8 months' worth of hotels can get more than a little pricey, no?

And I guess, as I mentioned before, it all depends on the family dynamic. I may be a guest if staying at a friend's home, but these are my PARENTS I'm talking about. It's the home I grew up in. If I referred to myself as a "guest", my mom would be actually very hurt -- to her, their house is as much our "home" as it is hers.

And yes, if your parents had a problem with you having sex under your roof, then it would be disrespectful to go against their wishes. Absolutely.

However, if the permission is either explicit, or heavily implied, then I don't think it's at all disrespectful to go ahead, provided that you're discreet about it.

Sherri - posted on 07/18/2011

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Amber sex is a want not a need. You will not die without sex, you will die from the elements, without food & water. Many people go without sex for years. People can go without it for an extended period of time without problems. I never said you would want to go without but if the people you are staying with for a period of time have a problem with it than for respect for them I would certainly abstain.

@Mary I can not ever even imagine living with my parent as an adult haven't even stayed in my parents home since I was 21, 18yrs ago. Unless I had explicit permission I wouldn't and I would honestly NEVER be comfortable having sex in anyones home, even with permission. I am a guest. Although I would honestly stay in a hotel before I would stay in anyones home for months on end and put them out.

Merry - posted on 07/18/2011

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We haven't, but we haven't spent the night in anyone else's house since we were married! I don't see it as disrespectful. It's sex. Nothing disrespectful about it it's a normal part of a healthy marriage.
If you aren't married and you're staying with a religious family or something then sure it could be disrespectful to have sex there. But married people shouldn't feel bad about ever having sex as long as they are able to be alone :)
My aunt and uncle got it on in a hotel room with their 4 and 2 year old sons asleep in the bed next to them :0
I remember my aunt saying to my mom I couldn't believe he couldn't wait til we got home but we were quiet and the boys didn't wake up. I didn't know what she was referring to at the time since I was only ten but in retrospect I figured out they were having sex!
Lol

I think it's just sex, get over it, it's not like you're sacrificing puppies on their bed.

Anna - posted on 07/18/2011

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"Sex is not a need and easy to go without for extended periods of time."

It's possible, certainly not easy, but I just don't see how this is one of those times where there is a NEED to go without. It's disrespectful if you aren't discreet. It's certainly disrespectful to go against the wishes of your host. If they have a problem with it, or if you're unsure, don't do it (or go somewhere else). But if everyone involved is fine with it, then where's the disrespect?

Krista - posted on 07/18/2011

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I think it really does depend heavily on the relationship WITH the parents.

My parents are VERY similar to yours, Mary. They're certainly not graphic about sex, by any stretch of the imagination.

But, my relationship with them is such that I'm not one of those people who is grossed out by the thought of her parents having sex. Not that I want to IMAGINE it, but they have a healthy sex life and I'm happy for them. And my mom doesn't want to hear the details of my sex life, but if she found out that I was abstaining while visiting them, she'd ask me if I was nuts.

So I really think it is an individual judgment call, and I really don't think that we CAN make blanket statements about something being disrespectful or not.

Amie - posted on 07/18/2011

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We would never live in my parents or his parents homes. Ever. We have enough put away that if he ever lost his job, we could get by for a long time. We would move across the country for my husband to work before we would move in with our parents. Lord knows we love both sets but that is too much togetherness. Not to mention "helpfulness" when it comes to raising our kids. OH and space! Neither set has room to accommodate 6 more people, not anymore.



We do not have free reign to have sex wherever or whenever we want. It extends farther than just our parents homes, it goes for anyone's home we visit. Mostly because it's not our home. I left my parents house a long time ago, as did my husband. Both sets either renovated or downsized. It is a need in our relationship, however, It has a time and a place. Other people's homes is not our place. Neither sets would mind, they talk freely with us about our sex life - we just won't do it in their homes. That is where the line stops.



Another reason for that though is when we say "make yourselves at home" our families take this quite literally. I have gone to bed and had them knock and walk in. Which isn't really a big deal, the knock lets everyone know that someone is about to walk in. For others that type of thing would be rude, for us it's not. It's been this way, for both families, for as long as we can remember. That actually reminds me of funny story about my MIL. She came over late one night to drop something off (family has the code to our house to open the doors) and she was so quiet, sneaking around the house. We were sitting in the living room and wondering wtf she was doing. So we both got up to go see. She jumped a few feet and went "Oh, I thought you were in your room getting it on". LMAO. I don't think I'd laughed that hard at anything she'd said before that. A lot of the humor came from the fact that you could hear the t.v. in the living room, I have no idea where her head was that night.



If any of our parents had to live with us, well they wouldn't really be living with us. We'd finish fixing up the guest house that came with our acreage and let them live in there. Right now, it's not high on the priority list. When our parents do stay with us, they sleep in separate beds. They like bunking with the kids, even if we offer them somewhere else.



As for new partners, if we ever cross that bridge, it would have to be someone extremely special to even be allowed to see us. We may be grown but our parents would treat anyone new in their lives the same way they would if we were young still. So no, they wouldn't be having sex in our house either. I also know this because my parents are separated but working on their marriage. It was a conversation we have had, among many others, in the event that they can't work it all out.



It's just how we are. I know people find it strange but it suits us. All of us.

Becky - posted on 07/17/2011

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We didn't at the inlaws before we were married, but now that we're married, we do. Although, it's a little uncomfortable for me, because our room is right next door to theirs and the bed creaks. Hopefully they're heavy sleepers, lol! At least we're not screamers!
We've never had sex in my parents' home, only because they live in the same city as us and we've never stayed there. And before marriage, I lived with them, but dh had his own place, so we were usually over there.
As far as others doing it at our place when they're staying here, I have no problem with that. I don't want to hear it, but since the guest room is in the basement, 2 floors away from our rooms, that's unlikely!

Joanna - posted on 07/17/2011

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I wouldn't have sex in my parents home. I don't see it as disrespectful, it's just not a thing I'd feel comfortable doing. If we had to stay there for a long time, my husband and I would find somewhere else to go if we felt the need.

[deleted account]

We lived in my husband's parents house for three years. Granted, they were only there about 1/4 of the time. But geez...three years going without for a newlywed? No way. Our oldest was conceived in that house. No one had any issue when we announced that I was pregnant.

Sherri - posted on 07/17/2011

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No have never had sex in my parents house and yes I feel it is disrespectful.

I couldn't live in my parents home they don't have enough room for a family of 6. However, if I did stay with them for any length of time I would go without. Sex is not a need and easy to go without for extended periods of time if need be.

Johnny - posted on 07/17/2011

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Yup, never as a teenager but once I was an independent adult there was no issue. I think that for my in-laws, they grew up in a culture that lived comunally and spent all their adult lives as a married couple with at least one if not more of their parents. Given that they had three kids, it probably is just not something they ever thought to worry about. Their culture didn't traditionally participate in formal, legal marriage so waiting until then was not a consideration either.

Krista - posted on 07/17/2011

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I'm in the same boat as Mary.

Having sex in their house as a teenager? No frigging way.

Well...not as far as they KNEW, anyway. ;)

But as a married adult, it's different. It's like having any other houseguests -- as long as they're quiet about it and don't break the bed, then have at it.

Stifler's - posted on 07/17/2011

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My parents have 2 single beds bahaha we take our camping mattress when we stay there, their house is too cold to sleep alone.

Corinne - posted on 07/17/2011

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This is one reason that I hate going to my in laws for any length of time! When we stay there, his Mum insists that we have their room - ick! Last time she didn't even change the sheets, so no, we most definately don't do it in there, we've a hard time getting to sleep. On the rare occassion we end up in my hubbys old room, the bed is soooo creaky - again, no chance. We now stay up late 'watching a film' and sneak off to the top of the garden (they have quite a bit of land backing onto a farm) and go au naturel - lots of fun.

Amber - posted on 07/17/2011

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I don't have an issue with it at all. I've had sex in my parents home before. We really don't ever stay there because they only live 10 minutes away though.



Chad won't have sex in his parents home though. They live 5 hours away, so we stay for an extended period when we visit. When we're staying there for a week or two, it's either waiting it out or finding another place to do it. It's pretty absurd. Especially since I don't think his parents would even care.

They take our son on outings with them so that we can have alone time, but he still can't get past that mental block.

I hope that my kids never feel that way about my home. It sure doesn't encourage me to visit more often.



*Edited to add*

I just read Jodi's post and it made me remember this. Chad's mom just upgraded their guest's bed to a queen so that we would be more comfortable! She went and bought a brand new bed (that ONLY we sleep in and only a 15-20 days a year!) WTH Chad?!?! lol

Jodi - posted on 07/17/2011

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I'm just going to put it out there about my in-laws. They refuse to have a double or queen bed in their home other than their own. Yes, you heard it right. When my husband and I stay there, we sleep in separate single beds...... When we were getting rid of a queen bed a couple of years ago we offered it to them to put in one of their spare rooms, and they refused. They are happy that all of their spare beds are singles.

We feel we kind of have to respect their wishes. But give them a break, they are in their 80s. I'm pretty sure sex was not spoken about in their day.......so we just let it go. We only live an hour away, so it is rare we stay there overnight.

Kylie - posted on 07/17/2011

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We've had sex in my parents and my in laws house before and after marriage. I dont think it's disrespectful, it's not like they stand at the door listening. I didn't want to do it in my grandmothers house though, that just felt weird.

Mary - posted on 07/17/2011

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I think it really does depend on the relationship the adult child has with their parents. While my parents would never have been permissive with me having sex in their home as a teen, it was a totally different ball game once I was a married adult. My parents (well, my mom) was very open in talking about sex, and what an integral part it plays in having a strong marriage. There is no question in my mind that she and my father had an active, happy sex life. SHe encouraged my sister and I to pursue the same in our own marriages.

In my first marriage, my ex and I did live with my parents for about 8 months while we were waiting for our house to be built. I couldn't have imagined living there all that time and not having sex, or feeling weird about it. We weren't flaunting it in their face, or announcing it, but it was not some shameful secret either. However, the same did not hold true if we were visiting with his out-of-state parents, or went on a family vacation with him. We never (because of his hang-ups) had sex when were under the same roof with his family.

My current husband is the same. We have not lived with my family, but we have vacationed with them. He has no inhibitions about having sex while being in the same accommodations with them. However, whenever we are visiting his family, there is absolutely no sex. I've tried, and he's been absolutely stubborn bout how he just can't have sex in a house where his parents are just down the hall, that it just seems "wrong". The man is 45 years old, married and with a child. Really????

I'm fascinated that both men were so uncomfortable about this with their own families, but not with mine. However, while both men loved their families, neither had a particularly close or open relationship with them. THey were much more comfortable about being themselves with my parents.

Stifler's - posted on 07/17/2011

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My sister in law is like 'Sorry you have to sleep on the fold out couch in the loungeroom... do you think you can refrain from being loud in case the kids wake up'... as if we were actually going to have sex in their loungeroom bahahaha. His family are VERY open about sex.

Charlie - posted on 07/17/2011

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LOL Johnny thats what my mum says " all the kids are having a sleep over in grandma's room so mummy and daddy can have some alone time " followed by a wink , a nudge and a cackle hahaha.

Concluded with me rolling my eyes .

Lady Heather - posted on 07/17/2011

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I totally have. Multiple times at my in-laws. Camping in the tent across from theirs. We lived with my dad for a month when we first came up here and didn't have a house yet so...yeah. And then there was that time at my mum's house where she came home a little early and the husband had left his clothes in the bathroom where we'd had a shower and I had to go collect them for him and my mum was there in the living room and omg - she heard everything. Oops.

I wouldn't expect my parents to abstain in my home and when it comes to mum and stepdad...they wouldn't even if I asked. They wouldn't even if I paid them. Ha.

Johnny - posted on 07/17/2011

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We do it when we stay at MIL's. She is NOT open about sex but on our last trip.encouraged our daughter to come and sleep.with her so that Mommy and.Daddy could.have"alone time".

My parents live in the same city but I have had sex in their house while housesitting as an adult. I do not think it would bother them.

Charlie - posted on 07/17/2011

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We have had sex at my parents and his parents ...it is seriously a non issue , in fact his father likes to joke about us getting back to work on his football team of grandkids (yeah I think not ) mum used to make cracks too when we had to move in with her for a few months and were yet to find a place to rent , Jamie would go to bed and I would try and go to bed too all nonchalauntly .

SO it might be disrespectful for some peoples parents if they would prefer you not to but both my parents and my partners parents have never had an issue.

And I noticed in the other other thread someone mentioned that people dont need sex and they can wait months if need be ......Um speak for yourself , lol .

Jodi - posted on 07/17/2011

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Nope, don't do it. But only because we are generally sharing a room with one kid or another. It's a bit hard fitting in a family of 6 without bunking in with each other. We cope.

Stifler's - posted on 07/16/2011

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I don't see it as disrespectful. My family aren't open about sex at all, but I think they know we have sex as WE HAVE 2 FUCKING KIDS. So we have sex when they're staying or we stay at theirs. I don't find that respect comes into it. They had sex when I was a kid and I was in the house I assume.

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