spouses with seperate beds, & rooms verse together in same bed/room.

[deleted account] ( 39 moms have responded )

What is your opinion? My DH has put on some extra weight over the last year and now snores. I don't mean a light snore either. I mean the cutting down the tree's by your ear snore. No matter what I do or how he sleeps. :) LOL It is funny when you aren't trying to sleep.

Anyway, now he sleeps in the spare bed while I get the queen to myself. Ah, he must love me for that alone right? lol Nope, he also does it because his back needs the stiffer bed and ours is a soft bed.
Our oldest designed her house she wants to have the other day. She explained where everyone's room will be including hers and her husbands. (different rooms) When asked about it she said for 2 reasons. 1. she had noticed daddy sleeping in the spare bedroom and 2. she didn't like sharing her bed to begin with so why not? We got a good chuckle out of it and then explained why daddy slept in the spare. She listened, understood, and then we asked her if she would change how her picture is. She thought about it and said "No. I like it the way it is. I won't have to deal with him stealing the blankets, rolling on me, pushing me, or snoring in my ear. Although he can sleep in the same room just in a different bed because I want to keep my big bed to myself." We lost it we thought it was so funny and she was all smiles about it. She insisted she was right because she had thought out ALL of her reasons. She also said if her husband didn't like it he could sleep on the couch. LMAO

So what is your story? Your views on this matter?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Lisa - posted on 06/28/2012

1

0

0

My husband and I also sleep in separate beds (separate rooms). It all began when our baby girl was two years and having nightmares. I began sleeping with her and when that passed, I could not bring myself to sleep in the same bed with him because of his snoring. He is very angry with me. He says I don't love him and he feels like we are roommates now. What should I do? This is causing a lot of problems in our marriage. Lisa

[deleted account]

I sleep with my husband. I love it this way, I love the way his body wraps around mine, the way my head fits on his shoulder; everything is perfect.

Even if it wasn't so perfect, separate beds would not work in our tiny little house, as the only spare bed we have is the sleeper sofa in my husband's office, which is not really good enough to sleep on--we just keep it for occasional guests, though my husband has been forced to spend a few nights on it before coming to a compromise ;)

That said, most people I know have separate bedrooms. They usually have one bedroom that they use most of the time, then a separate one for the husband or wife to have his/her "own space", but a few have completely separate rooms. They say it feels adventurous sneaking into the other's room for a late night romp, and feels more like a "date" like when they were young and carefree....I don't know, it must work for them.

Rosie - posted on 04/11/2011

8,657

30

321

what other people do isn't really any of my business, however those who kick their spouse out of bed to co-sleep mystify me. i simply can't imagine choosing your kids over your spouse (in bed), but hey, if it works for them, whatever.

i havn't slept with my hubby in ages because he works nights. i miss having him in bed with me sooooo much. i have gotten really used to it though, and whenever we do manage to get a few hours in together i can't sleep very good. it's almost like when you first meet and start sleeping together you can't sleep very good-you have to get used to each other. i miss sleeping with my hubby...:(

[deleted account]

Some people are just not compatible sleep-wise no matter how much they love each other!



My husband and I have been married for over 12 years and haven't slept in the same room (off and on) for many years. I snore, I steal covers, he tosses and turns and hits me in the face on accident, I sometimes wail and shout in my sleep and practically give him a heart attack, I have bouts of insomnia, he had severe back injuries, and so on.



We have a baby now, and I co-sleep with our son and my husband sleeps in another room. We all get more rest this way!



I do miss cuddling in bed with my husband, but it has nothing to do with our sleep arrangements and everything to do with having an infant who takes up all our time and energy.

Tara - posted on 04/11/2011

2,567

14

114

I love sleeping beside Steve, we like to be touching each other in the night, even if it's just a toe touch.
That said, one of us will go sleep in the 16 month old's double bed with him on the nights he doesn't sleep right through. It's just easier for everyone that way. If he wakes up either steve or I go sleep with him.
Steve snores but it's not jackhammer loud.
I think what ever works for you and your relationship is fine. I know couples who don't sleep together for a variety of reasons, but they all have a satisfying sex life and a happy home life.
Sleeping apart due to problems in the marriage isn't going to help anything, but sleeping apart for sleeps sake is no biggie.

This conversation has been closed to further comments

39 Comments

View replies by

MeMe - Raises Her Hand (-_-) (Mommy Of A Toddler And Teen) - posted on 06/28/2012

3,377

8

66

I don't get to sleep with my husband, except on Sat and Sun, since we decided he should change to nights back in Jan of last year. So there would always be someone home for the kids before and after school/daycare. I have to say I love it! I have always liked my space while sleeping, I am not a cuddler. He also snores all the time, which due to me being a very light sleeper, makes for a terrible sleep for me. He also likes to cocoon himself in all the blankets but I solved that issue a couple years ago by giving him his own blankets! lol



I love my man though, just not for sleeping with! ;)



I think it depends on each couple and what works for them...

[deleted account]

as long as both people are ok with the sleeping situation and are both getting a decent sleep i don't really care.

Vicki - posted on 10/04/2011

1,150

0

166

I like him to sleep in bed with me. Yes for the warmth and cuddles but mostly because if he's on his back he snores LOUDLY. I can hear him from any part of the house. If he's right next to me I can kick him until he rolls over again.

Tonight he's taking part in a sleep study to see if he has sleep apnoea. So... I'm going to try let him sleep on his back so the machine thing gets a true reading

[deleted account]

My husband and I sleep in seperate beds. I have my 2 youngest kids in my bed so he sleeps in another bed. We still have an active sex life and love each other just as much as we did when we shared a bed. We've been together for 15 years and out of those 15 years we have spent 9 years in seperate beds.

Denikka - posted on 10/03/2011

2,160

5

749

My grandparents had separate twin beds, same room though. My grandpa has restless leg syndrome and he sneezes, wheezes, coughs, sniffles, etc and wakes up at ungodly hours. My grandma is also a super light sleeper and used to wake up if I rolled over in my room across the hall XD

Hubby and I currently *officially* have separate bedrooms. He has a queen sized bed in his room and I have 2 (yup, 2!) double beds, side by side in mine. Our son also has a toddler bed in his room.
We play musical beds here too :P
The boy goes to sleep in his own bed, and our little girl goes to sleep with me. DS usually wakes up in the middle of the night though and comes in to sleep in my room or with dad. And sometimes hubby decides to sleep in my room on the extra bed :P
I would like if me and hubby slept together every night, but we both have issues :P especially with being too warm.
I over heat like a beast and if hubby is in my room, that means that DS is going to end up there too. 4 people in one room, even spread out, is too much for me at times. I run the fan in the middle of winter, so yea. Over heating keeps me awake, cranky, and if I do happen to finally fall asleep, I have horrible, wake up screaming nightmares.
Hubby gets itchy. And cranky. And he also has issues with nightmares. Especially about zombies. Which he must fight off to protect himself. I'm usually the zombie XD It does NOT look good trying to explain that you have a black eye and busted lip because your hubby hit you, but he's not actually abusive and didn't mean it cause he was asleep and scared for his life XD
So for those nights, where we're temperamental and hot and miserable, separate rooms are a blessing :P

Charlie - posted on 10/03/2011

11,203

111

409

I can understand why people do it. I don't think it means the relationship is any less in fact in some cases where a partner is suffering from the noise or the softness of the bed it could make a couple a whole lot better.

Personally I like snuggling but then my partner doesnt snore, I like having him close to me, I just think each to their own.

Nikki - posted on 10/03/2011

5,263

41

574

I love cuddles before we go to sleep, but honestly we are not all that good at sleeping in the same bed. We both like to hog the bed, he snores and talks in his sleep, we both steal the doona, I am really restless, I have to pee like 6 times a night and he sweats so badly I wake up drenched, it's all quite stressful at times!

We do try and make it work, we always go to bed together at least for a couple of hours but usually I keep waking him and he keeps me awake, unless we are both exhausted, so I spend most of the night in my daughters bed, which works out well, she still wakes once or twice a night and settles better if I am in there, and she is so cute and dry to cuddle :)

Sarah - posted on 10/03/2011

74

38

3

My husband works weird, long hours. Its different every week and sometimes its until like 3am or later. On the nights that he comes home late, I sleep in the guest bedroom. I have a horrible time falling back asleep if I am woke during the night, so its just easier this way.

I do think that whatever is best for you and your partner, is the way you should go. I don't think sharing a bed/not sharing a bed necessarily bears any weight on your relationship.

[deleted account]

We play ring-around-the-beds in my home. So, sometimes hubby is in our son's bed (it's a double sized bed), or sometimes in the guest bed. My son still wanders into our bed every night, so hubby will bring him back to his bed and stay there. Or, if I am reading/watching TV, hubby will go to the guest bed. Or, sometimes he stays teh night in our bed!

April - posted on 04/11/2011

586

5

73

I love sleeping next to my husband. He doesn't snore! LOL the only thing i can complain about is when he's really tired he tends to sprawl his arms and legs around so i only have an inch of bed to lay on which i complain about then he accuses me of being a blanket-hogger, which i'm not! -shrugs- LOL

We like to sleep beside each other because neither of us can sleep if the other isn't there. :)

Medic - posted on 04/11/2011

3,922

19

552

I sleep smack in the middle of the bed and my poor husband just has to find a spot around me. He does not get home from work till midnight and I am almost always asleep by then so he just has to figure out what side of the bed has the most room for him. I love sleeping next to him....unless I am hot then I get bitchy and he opts to take over our sons bed with him. Our son says in the mornings he has to figure out who is on what side and who looks like they are sleeping better so he knows which one to wake up and not get griped at.

Dana - posted on 04/11/2011

11,264

35

495

I like both worlds. Sometimes I zonk out on the couch and stay there and I get a really good nights sleep.



My husband just had knee surgery and spent the last week sleeping on the couch while I slept in the bed. I got really good sleep then too!



I also love sleeping in the same bed with him. To be honest though, I don't get the same good sleep because one, we're either having sex or, two,I have sex dreams all night long that make me want to wake him and have sex.

Tah - posted on 04/11/2011

7,412

22

400

i can't do t..and apparently neither can he..when he is on the ship on duty/underway/deployed, i don't get a good night rest and nor does he..but that may because he' sleeping little tiny rack with a guy above him and one below him. If he falls asleep and i sneak downstairs to watch some t.v or get on the big computer instead of the ipad, within 15 to 20 minutes he's put out a apb and comes down the steps and says, "umm, excuse me, can you come to bed with your husband please...nw.."..lol, he doesnt like when i work 11-7's but its the best schedule for us since his schedule changes often, so it's either i do those or maybe work a regular 7-3 but on a weekend. I don't see us in seperate beds. i mean we just fit..like a puzzle, He snores if they work him too hard..which is often now that he's workcenter supervisor, so i just nudge him and ay hey babe..your sawing em down over there..lol, but it doesnt bother me unless im laying there trying to watch agood movie. i love our time in bed, we call it"feeling the love"..we talk, joke play, and fall asleep..

Jenny - posted on 04/11/2011

4,426

16

129

I would love my own bed. My partner sleeps like he's on a rotisserie and is trying to win a snoring contest. I spend many nights on the couch when I finally give up trying to fall asleep in bed.

Sarah - posted on 04/11/2011

5,465

31

344

I couldn't have a separate room from my husband even if I wanted to......no spare room in our house!!

I have made him sleep on the couch because of his snoring occasionally though!!

I think whatever works best for you and your family is great.....even though some nights he drives me mental......I kinda like having my hubby there next to me.

Elfrieda - posted on 04/11/2011

2,620

0

462

I think it depends on the couple's personalities. For myself, I made a huge effort after the baby was born to make it so that we could sleep together, because in bed before falling asleep and just after waking up is when we bond. Sometimes during the mornings or evenings, things get said and feelings get hurt, but we talk it all out in bed and then everything's good and we're set for the next day. The nights when one or the other of us stays up late and the other falls asleep before we're both in bed mean a grumpy day tomorrow. That's just how we are. I find it hard to understand when couples sleep in different rooms, but it's slowly sinking into my head that people are different! :)



However, when he's overtired he snores, and that's when I sneak up to the guest bedroom for some shuteye! It's hard to fall asleep without him, though.

Carolyn - posted on 04/11/2011

898

19

140

we slept in seperate rooms during my pregnancy due to a couple of reasons, one being bed space ( we had to sleep upstair due to renos, even though our bedroom was finished, the remainder of the way to the bedroom was not)

I had horrible back and hip pain and needed a gigantic S shaped pillow to get any kind of sleep, which left no room for the husband. ah the glorious months of getting the bed to myself.



The are nights where i opt out and hit the couch, i cannot fall asleep with someone touching me, he snores retardedly, will bend his legs so his knees are up in the air and leans them from side to side pulling the blankets away from me, and then flopping his legs onto me, hes always trying to cuddle me in his sleep which leads to waking me up AND snoring in my ear.



oh and then there are those nights where i do manage to fall asleep early enough on the couch and move to the bed, and someone thinks its time to well, you know..... yeah i dont effin think so buddy.



Im seriously considering getting pregnant again hahaha, and then that way we will have to make an extra bedroom upstairs and dad can sleep upstairs next to Logan, and ill be down here next to the nursery LOL.



Im also a stomach sleeper who cant sleep on her stomach due still nursing which in itself makes falling asleep a bitch let alone having Mr. Sleep disturber in bed with me.



It gets frustration so i can really see the appeal of seperate beds/rooms. I get awefully cranky and resentful after several nights of not being able to sleep because he is out cold, flailing about , snoring like a freight train have sweet glorious sleep, and Im left tossing and turning, rolling him over, nudgind, trying to fall asleep before he starts to snore again or having to sleep on the couch ( i dont bother going upstairs because if the baby wakes up, dad doesnt hear him, and id have to run across the house and down and across again to get to the nursery)



ah yes, i am bitter about sleep atm can you tell ?

[deleted account]

Whatever works in one marriage may not work in another. For us, I have a hard time sleeping when Steve's not next to me. He started a job working nights about a year ago. Before that, we never slept seperately. Now? I look forward to the weekends, his days off, so we can snuggle. I do have to admit though, it IS kinda nice to have the bed all to myself sometimes. That is, when I can get the 3 year old to sleep in HIS own bed :S

Bonnie - posted on 04/11/2011

4,813

22

262

My husband and I always sleep in the same bed. I would feel lost without him.

Jenni - posted on 04/11/2011

5,928

34

393

2 weeks out of the month my SO is on nights and is either at work or awake until 6am close to when I'm waking up. So those 2 weeks a month I sleep alone. That of course is not really by choice.



But there are times we choose to sleep seperately. I snore like a madman ever since my pregnancies. >:) So sometimes my poor hubby has trouble falling asleep if I'm especially loud and go to bed before him. So if he's having trouble sleeping he sometimes opts to sleep on the couch. I have to admit, I'm a little offended by it.... but I do understand how impossible it is to fall asleep when someone is snoring like a chainsaw.



I slept on the couch for about 6 months of my pregnancy with my daughter. I just could not get comfortable in our bed and was only comfortable there. My hubby, the sweetheart couldn't stand to be apart from me every night so he opted to sleep on the floor next to me.... awww.



I also, cannot fall asleep with someone cuddling me. I need my space. I like a little cuddling before we fall asleep. But I have a torn legiment in my shoulder and the pressure of a sleeping arm and not being able to change positions often leaves me incredibly sore in the morning.



So I'd say, all in all, we're about half and half for bed sharing. It works both ways for us. We don't mind our arrangement and absence does make the heart grow founder. We're more cuddly during the day.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 04/11/2011

21,273

9

3058

I love sleeping in the same bed as my husband. When he goes on business trips I think "good I'll have the bed to myself" but those are the nights I would have the hardest time falling asleep. When my husband and I met, he would tell me what a difficult time he would have falling asleep, and what a light sleeper he is. He would wake if a mouse farted.....well, when he and I started having "sleep overs" he would knock out in seconds, and is NOT a light sleeper anymore. He doesn't like sleeping apart from me either.

I know a few couples that have separate rooms....only one of them is in a bad marriage and was a direct result of the separate rooms...the others have fine marriages as far as I know.

ME - posted on 04/11/2011

2,978

18

193

Travis has been working nights, and I miss him terribly, but I can't say that I miss sharing the bed. He also snores, lays on me, etc. I sleep WAY better now!

Jessica - posted on 04/11/2011

986

20

64

I think if its working in your relationship then its ok. My husband has been sleeping on the couch pretty much since the baby was born though, and I feel bad about it but am not sure what to do about it. He started for 2 reasons- because he snores and it keeps me awake, and I nudge him trying to get him to change positions or something and it ends up pissing him off. And I was getting really frustrated because I was already losing sleep from getting up with the baby at night, and his snoring was making it worse. Also, the baby sleeps in the bassinet next to our bed (and sometimes I cosleep) and DH didn't want to be woken up every time the baby woke up too. I know that probably makes him sound like a dick lol, but I'm BFing so there's really nothing for him to do if he got up with the baby anyway, and I do respect that he needs to be able to function for his job.

So, that's our personal situation, and its not ideal but its what is working for now I guess.

[deleted account]

I love sleeping with my hubby most of the time but I also love when he gets up for work and I get a good 2 hours sleep with me spread out :-)

If one of us is really ill generally the ill person will get up and sleep on the couch (we have got rid of our spare bed now we've got another on the way and need all three bedrooms) so the other can sleep. But apart from that we cope with the other annoyances, like him snoring (he gets a good kick of it gets too loud - which stops him), him being too hot during summer (I make him have a fan on his side of the bed because it makes it so it's the perfect temperature for me and it's his fault he's hot lol) - I love him being hot in winter though he is my human hot water bottle then :-) and at the moment he can't touch me while we're sleeping because it hurts my back and hips but that is only because of pregnancy. I really miss him when he is not there though.

I think if it works for your relationship then why should it matter where you or your hubby sleeps.

Jocelyn - posted on 04/11/2011

5,165

42

275

Whatever works for you!
When Jordan's snoring really bad he gets kicked downstairs to the couch in the living room (thankfully he's almost stopped snoring completely, or I would be looking into the separate bedroom thing...he also gets kicked to the couch when I'm sick LOL)
And Emma, I also agree that the middle of the bed is the best ^_^

Stifler's - posted on 04/10/2011

15,141

154

604

Ohh Damian goes to work at 4 so I get the bed to myself and I swear that's why I don't want to get up. It's so much more comfortable in the middle of the bed.

Lady Heather - posted on 04/10/2011

2,448

17

91

Normally I have a hard time following asleep on my own. Pregnant Heather wishes he would just bugger off though. I suppose two queen beds in one room would work. Or king for me and double for him. muahaha.

Stifler's - posted on 04/10/2011

15,141

154

604

I always sleep in the same bed as Damian. We bought a king size bed so we have lots of room. I don't even notice his snoring even though his cousin Pete is like HOW CAN YOU STAND THAT! We've never slept in separate beds really either except when we camp and have single swags. My grandparents never shared a bed once they got old, hardly any old people I know share a bed either because it's too uncomfortable or one likes to stay up late and doesn't want to disturb the other's rest. I don't think it matters where you sleep to be honest, we just like to both sleep in our bed.

Johnny - posted on 04/10/2011

8,686

26

322

I love sharing my bed with my husband 90% of the time. But if one of us is really sick or if he comes home knackered after a night out with the boys, it's better for us to have our own space. We have a comfortable spare bed so it's no big deal. It's not romantic to share a bed with a horrendously snoring partner or someone leaning over the side to vomit all night. Nor do I want to wake up to his drunken groping, that's rather lost its appeal. But on most nights, I adore sleeping beside him and cuddling.

I think this is one of those things that you should decide for yourself. Every relationship works differently. My grandparents were happily married for 50 years and always had separate bedrooms. My grandfather had heart problems that required oxygen which could be disturbing to my grandmother. One of our couple friends have never shared a bed to sleep because he requires a CPAP machine and she can't sleep with the racket. They seem to have a pretty hot relationship too. Perhaps in their case, absence makes the libido grow stronger.

Charlie - posted on 04/10/2011

11,203

111

409

My opinion is ...whatever works for your relationship works , each to their own as long as it doesnt intefere with your relationship in a negative way then do what you need to .

I hope your husband is getting help for this problem .

for the record Tim burton and helena bonham carter maintain a great relatioship living in seperate houses next door to each other .

Personally I love to snuggle and loving having my mans warm body next to mine .

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms