Step-mom Looking For Some Insight!

Dusty - posted on 01/30/2014 ( 5 moms have responded )

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Hello everyone.

I am a newly wed woman of 25. My husband and I have known each other for over 11 years and have been a couple for a little over 1 year. He has a 3 year old daughter who's life I have been a part of since she was 2. Things aren't always so easy being that her biological mom is a very irrational, emotional and possessive person. I have stressed to her many times that I will not try to and cannot replace her and that in any decision making her dad and I do, I am never trying to override her entitlement. Despite my desperate attempts to make this known, she still has this possessiveness of her daughter that she does not hesitate to make known. I am going to continue to hold my ground because my only goal is to eventually have all us reach compromise and agreement in my step daughter's life so she doesn't grow up with unhappy memories to look back on.
I guess I would just love some feedback and insight on what other step-moms have done in similar situations.
Also, I do not yet have any biological children and I am getting to the point where I am very ready to become one. I have such a strong feeling that having my own biological child will only increase the bond between my step daughter and I, as I know how much she would love a little brother or sister. I also feel like having one of my own would simply help teach me how to be a mom to the fullest extent. Has anyone else found that to be true?
Can't wait to hear responses!

5 Comments

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Karin - posted on 01/31/2014

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Oh yes, don't wait too long to become b-mommy. You will regret it when you can't always keep up.... lol! I wish I could stick an extra pair of eyes everywere to see where to be next...lol!

Karin - posted on 01/31/2014

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I was in a similar situation... got married to a divorced man with 3 children (1 boy and 2 girls) same story with the biological mom but 10 times worst. She would say the most horrible things to them so that they would hate me... with the youngest it worked because she was also very much favoured by her mom and you have to remember "Mother is god in the eyes of a child" NEVER badmouth her biological mother, not even when you think she won't hear you. ALWAYS give her love and assure her of that love (I know, it's not always easy. Take every situation on as : NEW) Never compete!!! Ever!! They pick it up so quickly and YES they USE it to get what they want from either one of the mommy figures.... Children are clever little buggers. I learnt that one the hard way. NEVER be a friend! Don't pull that thorned branch through your own bum. I't hurts and causes problems between you and your husband. They will end up not respecting you or your position in the home.
Sadly for the children, we also divorced but I still have contact with the 2 older children. My girl calls me mommy now in secret, she was 13 when me and her dad split up and she is currently in matric and lives with her mom again. I can tell you horrors, true fairytales, comedies, teary tales the whole 9 yards of what my experience was. Yes, I have very fond memories that I cherish dearly, then there are the please forget lock in a box and bury ones. You are welcome to e-mail me if you feel you need someone to talk to that won't taddle, know more or try to medle... Iam married again and we have a little one of our own that turned 1 just the other day. Yes, having your own child changes so many things and the worlds riches can't buy that love and that overwhelming protective instinct. (You only truly realise why her Biological mom reacts in her way when you become a biological mommy too)

SKYLA JON - posted on 01/30/2014

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It seems like she still hasn't taken responsibility for the actions that she has made, which is sooooo sad. My biological mother is the exact same way. I also have a step mother who has been a part of me since i was thirteen months. Who was definitely in your situation. She let me make my own assumptions about my mother, which i was realized how she was at a very young age! My step mother and I had a rocky start but over time i realized how wonderful she was, especially since she was the one who took responsibility for me. Have you talked to your husband at all about the way the mother handles things? Maybe he has a little leeway with her? Other than that I have learned just to not take it personally, knowing you are doing the right thing in the end!!

Dusty - posted on 01/30/2014

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Thank you for your input! I appreciate it so much. I absolutely agree with you that shedding negative light on her mom is always a bad idea, even if it's something that's true. She should be allowed to make all her own assumptions and thoughts about her mom all on her own without anyone swaying her opinion. I try so hard to not come off as pushy when talking to her mom. I never want her to think I'm taking charge or taking over her child. It's just difficult when she's the type of mom who says things like, "I know you are his wife now, but when it comes to things such as finance I don't count anything you do for her, to be honest" even though I am the one who carries her insurance on our side. She tends to be very childish and unbending, which is something I cannot relate with at all.
As for the encouragement to have a child of my own, thank you! I am so ready to take that next step. My husband wants to wait a little while longer, which I can deal with for now, but he ultimately wants another baby too.

SKYLA JON - posted on 01/30/2014

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Hey there!! I think the only advice I could give to you would be to take things slow and stress to her that you will always be there if she needs you. Never push. Never let her hear you down talking her bio mother, even if she is the way she is. This will only reflect positive light on you when she looks back :D Having a child of your own, I believe is a wonderful idea. I believe having a sibling would bring the family closer. I think talking to her first about having a little brother or sister to receive her thought would be a good idea first. Seeing her excited would give you confirmation!! I know its super hard but takes a strong kind woman to love and care for a child as if the child was her own!!! Hope everything works out!

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