Surrogate moms. Would you do it?

[deleted account] ( 79 moms have responded )

If you were asked to be a surrogate for someone close to you. Would you do it? How would you feel about caring a baby for 9 months just to give him/her away. Even though genetics means the child is not yours, would you still feel like they are. Is that bond really in the genes, or does it come from growing the baby and being physically connected to them. What do you think about it?

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Jenny - posted on 12/20/2010

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I see overpopulation as a huge issue. There's no reason to bring too many more people into it.



We have so many children who need homes right now and if there are parents with love to give I see them matching up as a win-win. I do understand the drive to parent but if I could not have conceived I would adopt. I still might. Two natural kids was my limit but if the clock starts ticking again I'll be sure to find a child to fill that desire.



It's not for everyone but I personally see no need for creating more people outside of nature.

Brittany - posted on 12/23/2010

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Its funny that i came across this since this has been up 4 topic in my family. Honestly i wouldnt mind doing it for a family member or a stranger... as cliche as it sounds i would do it because its giving life 4 someone who having trouble doing so....

Becky - posted on 12/23/2010

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I can see your point, Jenny. I worked in adoption, so I know the stories! And I have PCOS, so I thought I'd be infertile. I feel very blessed that I wasn't, but I was prepared for the fact that I may be unable to have children. And honestly, I don't think we would have gone any further than trying clomid. I was fully prepared to adopt. In fact, I'd still maybe like to adopt. But, having been pregnant, even though pregnancy was miserable for me, it is an amazing experience. I think if I'd known beforehand what it was like to know that little life is growing in you and feel him/her moving around, and see him seconds after giving birth, I would have felt differently, and done everything in my power to get pregnant if it was difficult for me. So I can understand IUI, IVF, etc, doing everything in your power to get pregnant. I wouldn't have used a surrogate though, because to me, it was the experience of being pregnant that was wonderful. Genetics didn't really matter that much. So if I couldn't have conceived and carried my own baby, I would have adopted one of the many, many children out there waiting for a family. But, obviously, not everyone shares my feelings on the subject, and I think it's wonderful that there are options out there for just about everyone to have a family one way or another.

Lady Heather - posted on 12/24/2010

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Also this whole adopt first thing sounds so awesome and all, but in actual practice it is not always possible. For instance, I am barred from adopting from many places simply because I have epilepsy. There are so many things that have to be in place for adoption these days. I totally recognize that there are lots of unwanted kids in the world. I do plan on adopting from the foster system at some point (because they don't seem to mind the illness), but the fact is that these kids still aren't accessible. Most of the overpopulated parts of the world have very limited and strict adoption. Until that changes, we're kind of stuck with what we have right now.

April - posted on 12/24/2010

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I would only do it for my sister. Just my sister and no one else.

IF I ever decided (i won't) to carry a stranger's baby, yes, I would feel like that baby is mine. I think the bond I would feel is still genetic, even though the baby wouldn't be genetically related to me. I think we are hardwired to protect helpless babies. Even in the animal kingdom there are plenty of animals who have "adopted" babies from other mothers. There's even been animals who have "adopted" another species.

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User - posted on 11/03/2012

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I am looking for a family who would like someone to surrogate for them. I am EXTREMELY FERTILE and dont see why i cannot help others who struggle.

HOWEVER!!! the person/couple must be able to both physically and mentally, sociably be able to take care of the child/ren to a high standard. Both myself and my husband are what we would like to call pretty intelligent but were never given chances in life to make use of it. My husband used to box and was asked by a well known trainer to box professionally with them but again circumstances and a lack of good parenting on our parwnts behalf. We would love to help others to have childrej but also to do the jOb well x

Joanna - posted on 12/25/2010

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The family I adopted my daughter out to waited for 4 years. I don't know how much they paid though, it was through a private agency - I do know that my hospital bill was covered ( I just paid for the prenatal visits). So it was at least $5,000.

[deleted account]

just hear the best story. a friend that has done 4 ivf attempts and was about to give up cause husband didn't want to go donor egg got pregnant on her own. maybe miracles can happen!

[deleted account]

Julianne I am in Canada. yeah lots of test (most blood) and uterine/tubes, etc and daily cycle monitoring is covered but still is a fortune once you get going.

that said can't complain in end cause two healthy babies :)

Becky - posted on 12/25/2010

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Wow, It sounds like the adoption process is much easier here in Canada! If you adopt a child from foster care, it is free. You don't have to be a foster parent first, just be approved as an adoptive parent. And it is possible to adopt a newborn or infant through the government - I've placed several. But they are all considered special needs - prenatally exposed to drugs or alcohol, at risk for mental illness or a mental or physical handicap, have a genetic issue, etc. (mostly prenatally exposed to drugs and/or alcohol.) Adopting a healthy newborn is more expensive, as you have to go through a private agency. Nowhere near the price it is in the US though. When I did my practicum in a private agency it was 5-6,000 dollars. It may have gone up a bit now, but I'm sure it's still under 10. The wait is 2-3 years though.

Sherri - posted on 12/24/2010

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Vicki sorry to hear it was so difficult for you I know that two of my friends had to have IVF their insurance paid for two complete rounds of fertilized eggs, medication, collecting the eggs etc. They were lucky though both of them took the first time. Friend #1 ended up with two beautiful twins, friend #2 ended up with a beautiful little boy and then did it again 3 yrs later and ended up with a beautiful little girl.

[deleted account]

just move to canada?





it might be the same here actually. I just know for the most part, medical expenses are paid for

[deleted account]

sorry but it was way more expensive for me with IUIs and IVFs ad he donor. the donor part was obviousl really expensive but even before that we sunk about that much into it. people mortgage their homes sometimes. I know my parents changed their retirement to help us get through this. and that was with a great health plan that covered the majority of the meds. glad to hear though that some places and people can do it cheaper with insurance. that is partl my point about it all. once you've sunk that much money into it it can be cheaper to keep going than start adotion process. plus the timeline. plus as mentioned not eveyone would be approved. the system sucks. and the dr's and gov'ts get wealthier.

Sherri - posted on 12/24/2010

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If you wish to adopt an older child you need to become a foster parent first, wait a period of time I think around 6mo's then you can start the adoption process which is far less expensive. However, to adopt a newborn it is highly expensive.

[deleted account]

I cant believe adoption is so expensive. You would think, with all the parents without children, and the children without parents, they would make it cheaper.

Sherri - posted on 12/24/2010

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Also it is virtually impossible to adopt an infant in the US. Unless you want to wait an average 3-5 yrs. Not mention the avg. cost to adopt a newborn in the U.S. is $25,000-$30,000. Virtually impossible for most couples looking to adopt a child. It is far more reasonable to go through IVF that insurance covers the majority of the cost.

Lady Heather - posted on 12/24/2010

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I totally would if I was able. My sister and I promised each other's uteri if needed a long time ago. A friend of mine was a surrogate for another friend and now that couple who tried for years and years to have a baby have three year old twins. It was just such a beautiful thing to do.

I'm sure there is a closeness there being the one who carried the child, but you do go into it knowing it isn't your baby so I'm sure there's a difference there. In any case, with the people I know who've done it there's a lifelong connection between all involved. It's not like you pop the kid out and never see it again. You just get to become the coolest auntie ever.

[deleted account]

If they are close enough to even ask me too I would totally do it and better legally be the childs godmother. Someone close enough to ask me I would see all the time and be a large part of the childs life anyway.

[deleted account]

Brittany that is so not cliche. it is beautiful! but I'm a big sap when it comes to that stuff.

my old naturopath ahd a good friend do it for a family. unfortunately she miscarried and it was quite hard on her. but then they did it againa and success! her reason for doing it? she loved being pregnant, was done having her children and same thing...wanted to give the gift of life to people that othewise wouldn't have had it. yes, adoption but whatever...you know what I mean.

[deleted account]

oh, you're really feeling the movement now! seriously as a person that did go through fertility stuff I LOVE hearing about healthy pregnancies! and I can totally get the thinking about it before but now thinking how hard it would be. I know even with what I went through I couldn't have been a surrogate. donated eggs most likely, surrogacy no. anywya, congrat again. look forward to hearing about a new baby and all the fun issues that come with it!

[deleted account]

I thought about this for a few days before posting. I don't think I could do it. At one point I said I could. But now I'm pregnant...feeling the baby move and react to my voice and movement...

[deleted account]

Hey Jennie...looks like we have more in common than just being canadian...I had two children 'naturally' as well! haha. oh how I do humour myself.

[deleted account]

I could do it but only when ive finished having the children that ive wanted to have and only when my children were old enough to understand what was happening

Shauna - posted on 12/21/2010

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If it was a close close person and a heartfelt crying season to me id pro give in a do it im a really compasionate person.

A lady i work with was a surrogate---she has 4 children of her own and had EASY pregnancies ---- her view was : she has easy carefree pregnancies always went right back to prebaby weight---- never had a stretch mark no nothing bad... always went back to a size 0 without working out. She was in it for the money ---- so i guess if it was as easy she she claims i may be in it for the money when times are rough too!!!! and giving another mother a child that they couldnt carry would be so rewarding.

Loreana - posted on 12/21/2010

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I think it must be differant for differant people. I have always wanted to be a surrogate mom, everybody who truly wants and knows what parenting takes deserves to have a child and many women who should never be allowed to be mothers have babies. so why shoudn;t a women who is incapable or a gay couple who have buckets of love to give be denied because of biology? I ve thought long and hard about surrogacy and my only issue is that although you are not the biological parent I think since you are bringing the child into the world it is also your responsibility to ensure the people raising him or her are responsible loving people, after all is takes a lot more than genetics to make a good parent!

Natasha - posted on 12/21/2010

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I have seriously considered this. One of my very closest friends is incredibly sick and cannot carry a baby due to this. Even if she could get pregnant, she is unable to have her own children. While talking last summer she mentioned, in passing, that she and her boyfriend were talking about what they would do to have thier own children, one option being surrogacy. I think she was hinting at the possibility of asking me, but I don't know what my answer would be. I have been extremely lucky to have a son, and to be pregnant now, but just last year I lost a baby at 14 wks, and that worries me. I don't know if I would be strong enough to carry a baby to term (and I don't mean that physically) and then have to hand it over to someone else. I also worry about how my children would react to watching me grow a baby and then not have the oppritunity to watch it grow up.

[deleted account]

No I couldn't do it, even for family. I could not carry a child for 9 months and then give it away, even if I still had regular contact - I bond with my babies from the moment I know I am pregnant, and I honestly think I would find it too traumatic. Also I appear to have awful pregnancies (1st one I had sickness throughout and was ill with pre-e and this one I am suffering morning sickness even worse than last time, and my pelvis is already starting to hurt from the spd).

Due to my fertility problems we were told we couldn't have children, my SIL and BIL seriously offered to have a surrogate baby for my hubby and I. We would never have accepted, even if we hadn't got pregnant for a few reasons, the main one being we had agreed that if we couldn't have children we would adopt as there are so many children who need a mommy and daddy. We just felt that it would be too stressful pursuing things like surrogacy.

I have complete respect for those who can be surrogates though it truely is the most amazing gift for someone!

Tara - posted on 12/21/2010

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to add, I would have to say no at this stage of my life, so please read my other post as in the past... I would have....

I'm too old for all that shit now. lol
Honestly after having 6 babies, my body is retired from carrying life. And I got fixed last May so... all in the past...
:)

Tara - posted on 12/21/2010

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I would be a surrogate if I knew the people and would have a role in that child's life. Be it Aunt or just close friend.
I wouldn't do it for money or to just anyone.
A close friend or family, in a heartbeat. I would also pump and donate my milk to said family or friend in the event they wanted their baby to have breastmilk. I would also encourage said family member or friend to begin trying to lactate while I am pregnant so they could nurse as well.
I don't disagree that there are a ton of children needing to be adopted. It does not make someone a bad person if they want to have their own child, with their own genes. Nor does it make someone a bad person if they simply would rather have an infant over a child.
I support all moves to make adoption easier, just as I support all moves to make surrogacy easier.
All have merit in their own right, but not all are suitable to all people.

Brittany - posted on 12/21/2010

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yes i have already offered a friend.you just have to know from the beginning it isnt yours and its going to a loving home

[deleted account]

I can see why you wouldn't support it. This topic of conversation came up with my younger sister before. She's not going to have her own children. She is going to foster and/or adopt. She said so many children in this world are unwanted, why should she bring one in because she wants them when she can give a good home to one that already exists.
I really wanted to have my own children though. I wanted to go through the process of pregnancy. I think it was kind of selfish in a way.

Jenny - posted on 12/20/2010

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I would never restrict another woman's choices Joanna. I am just stating that I wouldn't come to the same conclusion as I don't support it.

Joanna - posted on 12/20/2010

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But Jenny, if you allowed yourself to have biological children before adopting, why can't an infertile woman have the same?

Stifler's - posted on 12/20/2010

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I fully agree with that Julianne, there's no natural selection survival of the fittest etc. anymore.

[deleted account]

i watched this documentary that said one of the main reasons our population has multiplied so drastically, is because of the advances in the medical field.Doctors save people from what use to be life threatening diseases, and the advances in fertility options for people who could not have children, result in more births less deaths. Obviously that leads to overpopulation.

Jenny - posted on 12/20/2010

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I had 2 naturally and got fixed at 28. They replace their father and I so it's not overpopulating. If we decide to have more we will adopt.

Yes, I agree adopting should be easier. Yes, I sympathise with fertilty issues. No, most people don't feel the way I do and that's fine. I'm glad people found happiness however they did but it doesn't change my mind.

[deleted account]

Thank you Marina. and I feel I did create my children within nature. jenny if I had tried to adopt from the get go that might have been another story, but 5 yrs into it and I doubt they would have approved me (age and finances). it takes yrs and is not quite as easy to adopt as many people sem to think.

may I ask you if you adopted or did you have your children "within nature?"

Sherri - posted on 12/20/2010

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So Jenny do you also not believe in IVF? If so that is extremely sad, do you know how many people I personally know that would not be parents right now had they not been able to go through IVF.

Sherri - posted on 12/20/2010

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No. I could never carry a child for nine months, give birth to him or her and give them away. Carrying them in my body would still make me bond with that baby.

Julie - posted on 12/20/2010

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I would think about it...I loved being pregnant!!! To give the joy of motherhood to another person would be awesome, but I would have to think a lot about it before i did it.

Laura - posted on 12/20/2010

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For my sister or brother I wouldn't even give it a second thought. Although my bro has 2 boys so I know I don't need to worry about that. I don't think I could do it for anyone but family but you don't know until your asked. If my sis asked me I don't even think she would get to finish the sentence before I said yes.

[deleted account]

oh and marina if you say anymore shit that will make me like you even more I will have to hit you over the head.

[deleted account]

sometimes people invest so much money and time and heartache into getting pregnant. you don't start out thinking I'll have another woman carry my child. it evolves. and sometimes after putting that much of oneself into it emotionally it is hard to stop. there are stages a person must go through to get to that point. and after all that time invested in trying to get pregnant only to start the adoption thing...well, more yrs can go by with people getting older and the pain getting deeper.

I had my twins through donor egg and after 5 yrs of hell trying without success, when they told me I would need to go the donor route I jumped. if it hadn't have worked...? I guess I would have been a very old mother if I had to adopt (also don't know if it could have happened due to financial constraints). anyway...as for surrogacy, I can't imagine someone going through carrying a child for another person and then just handing over all ties (often, not always) once the baby is born. I'm just grateful there are people out there that can do it as I've come across some beautiful stories of people having gone this route.

Julie - posted on 12/20/2010

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I have considered it, I'm not opposed to it ( I love being pregnant) however, I then think about all the babys out there who's mothers can't take care of them and needs a family ( My grandmother was a foster mother who did foster care all my life and then some. She took care of 100+ foster babys in her 34 years of foster care. ) I once asked her how she could do it. Take care a a baby for some times up to 2 years and then let them go. Her reply was simple. becuase in my heart I know there are more out there that need to be loved. My thought it why make more where there are plenty out there that need the love of a family.

Jenn - posted on 12/20/2010

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I've actually thought about this before, but I don't know if I could really do it. I think I'd have a hard time handing the baby over after feeling them inside of me for that long. To those who can do it - you should be highly commended for the beautiful gift that you give to others!

Jenny - posted on 12/20/2010

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No, I wouldn't. I am not a believer in bringing babies into the world artificially. I would recommend adoption.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/20/2010

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I have 2 beautiful healthy babies,...I would just need to decide if putting my body through this again would be worth giving someone a human life...sounds good, my body hates pregnancy...I am on the fence.

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