Tequila shots in honor of her memory?

[deleted account] ( 19 moms have responded )

Early Monday morning a 19 year old girl's life was taken when she chose to get in the car with her drunk boyfriend(driver) and her friend. Her boyfriend is in intensive care and is expected to revcover. The friend came out of the accident with barely a scratch. The boyfriend will be facing criminal charges when he wakes up. All 3 were extremely intoxicated.

Later that morning her friends got together and honored her death by taking 3 tequila shots each (her favorite drink and number) and later that night had a bonfire by the lake.

* In Canada the legal drinking age is 19 *

What are ur thoughts? What do you think of what they did to honor her memory? Should the bar be held partially responsible? Should the boyfriend be solely responsible? What do you think of the legal drinking age in Canada?........would there have been a different outcome if it was 21?


~Jennifer - posted on 03/11/2010




First of all - the bar is DEFINITELY at fault. I've been a bartender since I was 18 - almost 20 years now, and if we allow someone to get that drunk, we are criminally liable for anything that happens to them on their way home. (The bar AND the bartender $10,000 fine + criminal charges on the bar, $5,000 to each bartender + criminal liability charges. - we are not allowed to serve an intoxicated person for any reason)

As for their way of honoring her memory - can't say much about that. My group of RL friends has lost quite a few 'members' over the years, and we always meet for a drink in their honor - we actually planned it that way.

"Don't go to the funeral, go to the bar - that's where I'd be if I was still here with you"

Generally, the send-off involves pints of Guinness and whatever their favorite shot was (usually tequila) however, we DO NOT drive home - ever - for any reason.

I think that it may feel a little raw to the people that are left behind. I think that people on the outside of the group looking in would think "how can you honor someone that was killed by alcohol WITH alcohol?".....but I just see it as having the last chance to say goodbye in a setting in which that person WOULD be at, if they were still here. A 'send off in their comfort zone' if you will.

His fault for driving (and although he should be charged, there's probably nothing that the law can do to him that will equal his knowledge that he killed someone he loved because he was reckless and stupid) - HER fault for even getting in the car - but hopefully an example for their friends who will always remember her and think twice about it when they're drunk and about to get into that car to go home.....

Sara - posted on 03/11/2010




I'm not sure...I mean, if someone dies because they were drunk and got into a car with someone who is drunk driving, it seems a little inappropriate to honor their memory by drinking....maybe that's just me, but that would be like honoring Corey Haim's death by doing a bunch of pills. I'm sure their friend would gladly trade in her favorite beverage for her life...

This conversation has been closed to further comments


View replies by

Dana - posted on 03/14/2010




I've actually lived this situation, except the bar being at fault part. This was a few years ago now.

A good friend of ours was 21 and had been drinking all day at a local festival, he then came to the bar to see my husband play. Some friends ended up taking his keys away from him so he couldn't drive, he was wasted before getting to the bar. I left the bar for 10 minutes to drive Matt's mother home (she wasn't drunk, she just doesn't drive) when I got back my friends car was gone. I got inside and asked wth happened and was told that my friend got into his car and started to hot wire it to drive home. The friend who he had been hanging out with all day and was equally drunk, gave him the keys because he didn't want him to tear his whole car apart to hot wire it. Stupid move.

Within the hour ambulances went past the bar and I got a sick feeling in my stomach. I even said to friends of ours I hope Phil is okay.

On the way home Phil's father literally almost ran into my husband's car with his own at a stop sign. He knew it was us and wanted to know if we knew anything about an accident as he was on his way there and knew nothing. That's how we found out. It was just awful. His family was just devastated, as we all were.

At the time we were mad at most of our friends for the drinking and partying going on as it was. We were older and he was just 21. He had even come to Matt and I to talk about his drinking. He promised himself and us that he'd only drink on the weekend. Which he did. It was still not enough...

Our other friends started going to the grave site, within a week to "party" at the head stone. They told us of leaving beers there for him. *eye roll*. That was the end of our already strained relationship with most of those people. This kids poor mother would go there constantly. We started a flower garden where he died on the side of the road. He had actually been thrown out of his car from the driver seat and through the back window, he was over 6ft tall and then he was run over by a car who didn't see him lying in the road. Luckily he was already dead when he was run over, but still it was a violent death. His mother still tends to that garden every week, every month for the past 5 yrs she's put something in the paper on the 13th (the day he died). It just disgusted me that she would have to go to his grave and repeatedly find beer cans, full and empty.

Sorry for the long story, this subject just touches me deeply.

Jess - posted on 03/14/2010




Im from Australia and the legal drinking age here is 18. I dont think the legal drink age would make any difference, if their going to drink they will do it whether its legal or not.

The bar isn't responsible for this accident. The staff are just doing their job and no one made these young adults drink ! The driver should be held 100% responsible for his actions, and I hope he feels the full wrath of the law !

Patricia - posted on 03/11/2010




That's funny Kati, I said the same thing about being old enough at 18 to join the service and go and kill someone...way to go!

Jessica - posted on 03/11/2010




In alberta the legal drinking age is 18, I had my first drink when I was 16. I think even if the drinking age had been 21 one, I still would have had my first drink at 16, so I don't think that would change the out come of a situation. Difference being how I went about doing it, I didn't drink much or anything like that but if I was going somewhere where I might be drinking, my parents knew and I was always knew that no matter what time of the night, how much I thought I might get in trouble etc, that I could always call my parents for a ride home. As for this case, very sad and tragic. I think that bar should only be liable to a point, you can cut someone off and offer them a cab to have them tell you to go go f*ck yourself and go drive home anyways. Likely if the driver is convicted in court, he's not gunna be there long ( with the systems the way they are) and the knowing what he's done and having to live with that will be worse then anytime he could spend in a cell.

Tah - posted on 03/11/2010




isn't there a law where the bar is responsible....i'm pretty sure there is...and if her life was taken by alcohol, why not honor her by spreading alcohol awareness and standing up against drunk driving...i don't know....thats my take on it..

Rosie - posted on 03/11/2010




i think it's pretty pathetic to do a shot in "honor" of her memory, pretty fucked up if you ask me. i think the boyfriend should be solely responsible. i feel, even though it's not legal, that the bar shouldn't be at fault. i hate that law. I used to work at a bar and EVERYBODY was over the legal limit, how are we supposed to know when people leave and who is driving, and if they think we should, they should make it mandatory for people to "check out" of the bar, take a breathaliser on the spot, and have someone responsible for driving them home-via taxi. but since this isn't what bars are supposed to do, how can they keep tabs on everybody that leaves? i worked in a dance club, where this scenario could've been possible since someone was stationed at the door, but in a regular bar or tavern there's usually only one person manning the whole bar.

as for the drinking age in canada, i think it should be 18 here in the states. i don't understand how we can send people to fight in a war at 18, but they can't have a drink? either change the age of enlistment, or change the drinking age to 18, doesn't matter to me as long as they are both the same.

~Jennifer - posted on 03/11/2010




we had that on New Year here.
( I still stayed home - I don't go out on "Amateur Night")

[deleted account]

Ya, I'm pretty sure we have the same laws here........I know that at Christmas time we have a free taxi service called ' Operation Red Nose ' which allows drinkers to get a safe ride home with their vehicle following behind driven by another employee from the taxi service........maybe we should find a way to implement this year round!??

Jocelyn - posted on 03/11/2010




*Crossed Posted because I'm lazy lol*
I don't think it was a bad tribute IF they has someone to DD. I'm not sure about BC, but in Alberta a bar can be held legally responsible and face huge fines if the staff over-serve and something happens because of it (you have to take a course and a test to get certified to serve/sell liqueur). I think that BC should implement the same sort of thing. If you are serving, and someone is getting drunk it is you responsibility to offer other drink choices (no alcoholic) and it is also your responsibility to try and make sure that they don't drive; offer to call a cab, take their keys, get a friend of theirs to step up and help. If they drive away, call the cops. There are things that the servers can do, and probably should have done.

[deleted account]

As far as I can tell the law's are pretty much the same in Canada......the bar can and I feel should be held at least partially responsible......I do believe that it should be at the discretion of the bar to deal with it's employee! The bartender(s) are representing the bar but ultimately the bar should be responsible for their behaviour!

As for the tequila shots, although I find it ironic I don't see a problem with it!

19? 21? I don't think it really matters! I don't think a couple years would have necessarily prevented this from happening.......it all depends on the person/group! Unfortunately age doesn't necessarily correspond to wisdom/ common sense and definitely doesn't stop people from drinking and driving!

I agree with the other ladies; it doesn't matter if the driver is charged and convicted in a court of law......he's gonna struggle the rest of his life with his decision BUT hopefully it teaches him a lesson! Kind of a shitty way to learn....

Lindsay - posted on 03/11/2010




This is a terrible situation for all that was involved. In Kentucky (and probably the rest of the US) the establishment and the bartender can also be fined as well as the driver of the vehicle charged in this case. Here, establishments that serve alcohol are able to cut the costomer off if they are already intoxicated. They are also responsible for providing them with a ride home. Locally we have a taxi service that will give a free ride home if intoxicated.

I honestly don't see anything wrong with them honoring her memory with her favorite shot. I've had people close to me pass and after the funeral service we would either go out for drinks or go to someone's house and drink and share good stories of the person that has passed. And I would hope that when I pass, my close friends and family would do the same.

Patricia - posted on 03/11/2010




That's a tough one Dana, here the drinking age is 21. For me, it was 18. I do believe, that everybody involved should be responsible..as tragic as this ended, all three teenagers should have known better and even though there are people that can be functional alcoholics..(in this case they are too young to be that) the bartender should have seen that they had one too many and stopped serving them. Every country has their own drinking age, but I personally, think it should be 21 or older (even though teenagers will get it one way or another) Its rather sad, because an 18 year old can join the service, have a gun handed to them, go and kill someone but they are not considered adult enough to sit and have a drink? CRAZY or what? As for the way the girls friends bid their final farewell, I think there's a little irony in it...and maybe, their actions were clouded by their sorrow....sad sad sad gone too soon and the driver? Whether he is in jail or not, he shall be punished for the rest of his life, just knowing that "HE" was driving.

Kelly - posted on 03/11/2010




I don't know about the law in Canada, but here in the States the bar could be held responsible, as well as the individual bartender, and the driver. (at least that's the way it was when I bartended in Texas) I don't think the drinking age really has too much to do with it. I really wasn't that different at 21 than I was at 19. Of course, I was never stupid enough to drive after I had been drinking at either age. As far as honoring her life by taking shots after she just died BECAUSE of drinking, I think it's kind of stupid. But then again I think pouring alcohol on a grave is stupid too. Some people just have a hard time knowing how to grieve, and these are just kids. They probably think what they are doing is the right thing. The only thing that concerns me is that they are not understanding fully the serious consequences that come with drinking alcohol.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms