Rosie - posted on 01/11/2011 ( 26 moms have responded )




i work with a woman whose 15 year old daughter got guillen barre syndrome a few months back. she was missing a lot of work, and she's single so it makes it even harder on her financially. she's gotten no support from her ex.

this was also right before christmas so a couple of ladies and i decided that we would get a few gift cards for them. so each of us spent about $30-$40 each on her and her daughter.

none of us have received an acknowledgement of ANYKIND. we put the cards in her locker at work, so there wasn't really interaction there, and i figured maybe she wouldn't open it until christmas or something and that's why she hasn't said anything yet. but now it's way past christmas and still nothing.

i'm pissed. am i overreacting?? i realize that giving is the thing that makes you feel good, but damn it i wanted a thank you, or an acknowlegement that she even got the damn gift in the first place!!! we each keep on telling each other that a thank you shouldn't be EXPECTED, but nice. however the more days go on i'm getting more and more pissed. would you be pissed or would you blow it off?


[deleted account]

I'm playing devil's advocate I suppose, but I'm awful about sending thank yous to people. I tell them when I receive a gift, so at least they know, but some have come to me later and said they expected a note in the mail. I realize, perhaps I should send a note, but but the same token, if they don't know that I really appreciate a gift, if they really NEED a thank you, that gift wasn't about me, it was about them. I realize everyone likes to feel good about giving a gift, to know that they helped someone out in a difficult time, but if you need that acknowledgment so desperately, perhaps you did it for the wrong reasons. Maybe instead of worrying about the thank you she hasn't given, talk to her. Invite her over for a cup of coffee and a chat. See how things are going. Maybe, in all her worrying about her daughter, she simply hasn't made the connection that she should say thank you. I would totally blow it off! She's got bigger problems right now.

Sharon - posted on 01/11/2011




I'd be pissed too.

But I once got a gift, it was supposed to be helpful. But in light of all my other issues, it was so hard to be positive about it. I just kept thinking "I could have used the cash for this..." like utility bills - things that don't take gift cards.

and like others said.. maybe she's embarassed.

Amie - posted on 01/11/2011




Does she know it came from you guys? Or was it completely anonymous?

If she doesn't know for sure, I can see why she would say nothing to anyone.

If she does know though, she may just be stressed out about her situation and forgot. It happens.

I'd just let it go.

LaCi - posted on 01/11/2011




That's true. She could feel embarrassed. Maybe she's a bit uncomfortable, feels as though she's become a "charity case." I'm sure it's not at all that she doesn't appreciate what you guys did for her though.

I have a really hard time accepting help from people, so I can kind of understand that.


View replies by

[deleted account]

I think that to expect a thank you is fine and should be expected. However, in today's society people really don't do that sort of things anymore. It is rude not to at least thank a person or send a thank you card but you really need to just forget it. Chances are that since you haven't gotten a response yet then you probably won't at all.
I think you did a wonderful thing and that reguardless of her inability to thank you that she is still grateful.

[deleted account]

My first thought was she could be embarrassed, it is really hard for some people to acceot help, so she may feel as though she has become a charity case, or that you guys feel sorry for her. Or it could be she doesn't know who left the gift cards for her, so doesn't know who to thank.

Invite her out for coffee or whatever, or round to yours so it is free (as such) and talk to her find out how she is doing, how her daughter is doing and if you really can't get past it just check she did actually get the Christmas gifts by asking her while your having your coffee, drop it in casually.

Jodi - posted on 01/13/2011




I think this lady has much bigger issues to worry about than your feelings or making sure she thanks you. You did something generous and nice and that really should be good enough, especially considering her circumstances at the moment. If I were that lady, I know I would feel like a charity case, I would feel embarassed and ashamed that others thought I couldn't take care of myself and my family, I'm super independant like that and it would actually rub me the wrong way. Under normal circumstances I would still say thank you, but I don't blame the lady if it has slipped her mind with all she has going on right now.

Pat yourself on the back for doing a good and nice thing and forget about it.

[deleted account]

I haven't read all the answers but here's a suggestion.....why don't you ask her if she received the gift cards you put in her locker and just explain that you were worried that she hadn't seen them?!

Did you put them in the locker yourself. Maybe the lady who put them in the locker kept them for herself?

Jocelyn - posted on 01/13/2011




I would be a little peeved too, but I also agree that she might be feeling a bit awkward about the whole thing. I also like Dawn's idea about inviting her out for coffee :)

Tara - posted on 01/13/2011




I'd blow it off, like the other ladies said, I think she might be feeling too embarrassed to thank anyone, and perhaps just overwhelmed by the amount of stress she is under.
It's nice to receive a thank you, but it's the giving that counts. And I'm sure she appreciates it.

Sharon - posted on 01/11/2011




oh yeah I agree with Dawn!! Invite her out for coffee. Express concern for her and her daughter right now. She was open once with you, I'll bet she will be again.

Sometimes it all just gets so dark, its hard to be positive or express even a thank you, when it all just sucks so much.

Nicole - posted on 01/11/2011




As nice as thank yous are, her daughter has guillen barre syndrome and that is bloody scarey! No amount of gift cards will change that. I can't imagine how helpless she must feel right now. Your gifts were kind and thoughtful, now maybe you can give her the gift of understanding.

You say that your anger is escalating, getting worse each day. I would suggest that you take responsibility for that anger, examine where it is coming from, then find a way to put it aside.

Jenn - posted on 01/11/2011




Maybe she doesn't know who to thank - was it marked who it was from? Everyone reacts differently to things too, so maybe she feels embarrassed or something like she's some sort of charity case, KWIM? Or there's always the option that she's an ungrateful bitch LOL! But I'd go with one of the first options. ;)

Bonnie - posted on 01/11/2011




hmm I would be a little upset about it. I don't need a thank you personally, but at least let me know you got them. Are you sure she got them?

April - posted on 01/11/2011




i would only want a thank you so that i know the person got the gift and that it didn't get lost. i just want to know that my money didn't go to waste.

Becky - posted on 01/11/2011




I'd let it go, because there's really no other graceful way to deal with it, but I can understand why you'd be pissed about it. If she knows who it's from, even if she doesn't, if she's uncomfortable saying thank you, a nice note posted on the bulletin board or emailed out to everyone would do.

Petra - posted on 01/11/2011




That kind of sucks, Kati. I'd probably try my best to leave it alone, she might be feeling kind of ashamed about it. It can be really hard to be gracious when shame is mixed up in there. I think what you guys did is really kind & generous, though.

Rosie - posted on 01/11/2011




i think what makes it worse for me was when i first had grant 11 years ago, our first christmas together she personally got grant ALOT of toys cause she knew i was single, and how hard it is to be single and have a child. i think i wanted to see that i made her as happy as she made me that time. :(

Rosie - posted on 01/11/2011




how do you blow it off teresa?!! i've been trying my damndest, but it seems to keep on getting worse! *sigh*

C. - posted on 01/11/2011




Yeah, that would be nice.. I would be mad, too.. But then again, I get ticked if hubby doesn't acknowledge that I've said something to him. I blame that on the hormones, though..

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms