The interfering grandparents

Tammy - posted on 09/25/2010 ( 12 moms have responded )

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I have tried for nearly 5 years to stop my mum interfering with how I bring up my kids and the choices I make for them but to no evail, she probably means well but from the moment we had our 1st baby (April 2006) and then our 2nd (Feb 2008) to this day she has constantly bossed me around with them. She questions the way I dress them,("Wheres her vest?" "why haven't you put a cardigan on her" etc) what time i put them to bed, how I feed them. Everything!!! We have had countless arguments and have fallen out a few times but It makes no difference. I am a good mum, my kids are always fed, dressed nice, kept clean, loved, disciplined fairly the way me and hubby choose and they are never harmed, or abused so I feel she has no right to stick her nose into anything unless I ask for advice. When Ellie (my 1st) was born I was a married 24 year old, independant with my own life and yet she made me feel like i was some incompetent teenager (no offence to all the good teenage mums out there) who didn't have a clue, she embarrased me infront of family members because she would constantly feel she needed to remind me when the baby was due a feed, tell me I had to wind her or when i had to change her nappy (Diaper) etc. I knew when o feed, change, wind my baby I didn't need my mother to remind me!!! she would give people permission to hold my baby without consolting me 1st and if I tried to stroke my babys cheek or fiddle with her blanket whilst she slept (as all new mums know your in awe of this new little person) she would slap my hand away and tell me I'm gunna wake her!! She tried to force me into feeding her solids at only 3 months when I was told by midwife not to feed solids before 4 months, and she would argue with me all the time over things i'd been told by my midwife too (I.e not to give sugared water) saying 'We did it with you and you turned out alright' even to this day my kids are 4 and 2 she still trys to get me to do my parenting 'her' way and if a dare to disagree we get into a row,. I love my mum but Its gettin me down., anyone else go through anything like this? any advise?

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Jenni - posted on 09/25/2010

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Say: "Mom, I love you and you were the best Mom I could have had. When I need advice you will be the first one I come to. But it's my turn to be a mom and I need to be given the chance to be the mother I want to be."

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Jessica - posted on 09/25/2010

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In which case, write your feelings down and get her to read them away from you.



Make sure you tell her exactly how she makes you feel. Also tell her that there is more than one way to raise a child and what worked for her won't neccesarily work for you and your kids. Not to mention that medical advice concerning children changes rather rapidly the more we discover about the world and ourselves, so what was considered harmless when she was raising you, may not be so now.



Make her understand that you appreciate her trying to help but you are an adult and a mom now and you have to consider what is best for your own family unit.



Ask for her help to become the best mum you can be by allowing you to parent without constant (whichever emotion you happen to feel at the time) because you feel you don't live up to her standards.



You have to be brutally honest, but polite about it at the same time. It won't be easy. Take a long time to think about what you want to write and even longer to write it. I am sure, if you pour your heart into the letter she will come to understand how this is making you feel.



The worse thing one parent can do to another is make them feel like a bad parent. It is setting and forcing a behavioural pattern for said parent to fail because of a feeling of inadequacy. And it isn't fair to your children to see that type of behaviour and to see you being treated that way. You wouldn't want your children to submit to that treatment so why allow them to see you submit to it?

Tammy - posted on 09/25/2010

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she was actually a really good mum with me and my bro growing up, she did a great job coz my Dad was useless and she basically brought us up alone. I never dreamed in a million years she would be an interfering grandmother

Jessica - posted on 09/25/2010

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If I were in your situation I would tell her how bad she is making me feel. Tell her that they are your kids, not hers and if you want advice you will ask her for it. Tell her if she carries on belittling you as a parent, in front of others no less, then the visits will stop until she learns that you are a good parent and you know your children. You know what they need and when. Actually, write her a letter/email about it and don't contact her. When she has read it, she will contact you and if she is an 'amazing' mum as you put it she will understand and back off.

Sharon - posted on 09/25/2010

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There us no way in hell i'd stand for that.

The only way you could be such a lousy parent is if she was lousy too. Did she really do such terrible job?

My mom& I hve disagreed about the kids a couple of times. We have gone months without speaking to each other. I feel that no matter how much they love the grandkids, if they can't be decent to you what is that saying to the kids?

Tammy - posted on 09/25/2010

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yea i've walked away and given her the silent treatment. tried ignoring her too she just says 'i'm only giving advice' its no advice when shes mking me feel less of a mum and unable to match up to the amazing mum that she was

Tammy - posted on 09/25/2010

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Yea I've said that to her countless times and she gets shitty and starts a row

Tammy - posted on 09/25/2010

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20 minutes walk, 5 minutes in the car. see her about 3 times a week, she dotes on my kids thats why its hard to just stay away

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