THE TALK.... Advice please?

Desiree - posted on 03/19/2011 ( 13 moms have responded )

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I am the mom of a 12 year old Daughter. Tonight she informed me" Mom, I think it's time we have "THE CHAT"." I asked he why she felt it was now time, She very Politely told me " Well I will be 13 at the end of the year (Yeah I know, the last time I checked I was at her birth) and will be going to High School in 2012. Well I think I need to know some stuff before I get there and get into some Kind of Trouble(Please maybe I will be lucky and the Mayan Calendar is correct)"

So fine as a mother I am about to enter a whole new mine field. Does anyone have any suggestions of how the hell am I supposed to field this one without panicing and getting my blood pressure up? Advice Please

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JuLeah - posted on 03/19/2011

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You have been talking with her since her birth. When you bundle a kid in a pink blanket and call her sweet, or bundle a kid in a blue blanket and comment on how strong he looks.
Every interaction is 'the talk'
She wants the nuts and bolts ... it is as easy as teaching her how the lungs work, or the heart.
What she needs, but may not know, is beyond the nuts and bolts. The feelings that go with the changing body. The feelings that go with your new identity. I remember the first time I was looked at by a grown man in 'that way' - it freaked me out really and I didn't know how to respond.
How do you talk with someone you are interested in? What if he is interested and you are not? How do you say 'no' and have that respected? How do you hear 'no' and respect? How do you say 'yes'?
How do you set boundries? What do you do if you start to feel uncomfortable in the situation but don't want your friends to know?
What if you start you period at school and you don't have supplies? How do you fit in and maintain respect for yourself? How do you express the new feelings you have?
There are so many things she needs to know -
Ohh, when she is ready, don't just teach her 'use a condom' Teach her how ... how to put it on, keep it on .... and how do you have a conversation about sex and safety with the boy/girl you like?
She will follow your lead. If you are uncomfortable with sex and sexuality, she will be uncomfortable talking with you. It is part of the human experiance, like learning to walk, or learning to dress yourself.
Don't preach.
Ask a lot of questions, don't assume you know what she know or that you know what she wants to know ... if you leave the conversation with an open door and she knows she can talk with you openly at any time, then you have given her more then most kids get.
Be one of the few parents that don't connect shame guilt and sex ... teach her to have pride in herself, her body, her power ... she is become the woman you will call a friend for many years to come, so start this off right :)

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Kelley - posted on 03/20/2011

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Start with what she already knows. and what she's guessing/ unsure if she knows. Sometimes we assume people or our culture has alreasy cued up alot of these issues, but you mightbe suprised with the gaps that you need fill in for her. Then instead of filling them in abrubptly help her piece them togeher.
Also while walking her through this start with anatomy, even the basic working her body and then the male anatomy. It never ceases to amaze me how many young boys/men are in a great hurry to use their bodies and yet don't even really understand their own basic anatomy :)
Now your ready to help her truly piece this together. As well allow her to ask the embarrassing questions... Like how many times have you done this - my answer to that was to begin with the fact that intercourse is our human method of procreation, but more importanty it's about our intamacy with our partner, and you might touch on why this comes with a great responsibility.
But MOST impotantly treasure this privilege. Make a date of it carve out time just to listen and watch her process what you're sharing, make it something she'll treasure. I have 4 daughters and each one different in their monent and question (but basically very similar) it was indiviualized to who they are and what they needed from me. But even now we still talk about those times... 3 of them grown and one still at home and it is so wonderful to watch them as they recall those times.
Pulling up internet info on anatomy and endocrine system will help them know and know how to ask informed questions.
Kelley

Tara - posted on 03/20/2011

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I had a great reply typed out in my brain, but then I read JuLeah's and I don't need to reply at all.
Everything Julie said are things I talk to my older children about and my almost 15 year old son is extremely comfortable talking to me about ANYTHING.
I loved how JuLeah put it all, and I have nothing to add.
:) Carry ON!!

Jodi - posted on 03/19/2011

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Hi Desiree, I used books to help me discuss sex with my son. There was one specifically geared towards pre-teen/teenage boys that I used, so maybe there is a similar one for teenage girls. But there are plenty of great books out there that can really help, and it is always a good idea to have diagrams. I even had a condom handy to show him, because he wanted to know what one looked like and how it was used :D

Desiree - posted on 03/19/2011

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I think it maybe more than the sex bit, She knows about the birds and the bees, I have never hidden it from her and have discussed what is coming by way of biology, but we are talking about a girl who for some reason has managed to stay very innocent about things. She doesn't even like to say the word sex, But I think it may have more to do with the fact that boys are starting to take an interest and she is starting to be interested back. I am very proud that she has asked me, I just want to be prepared for the questions she is inevitably going to ask.

Bonnie - posted on 03/19/2011

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I think you are pretty lucky that she came to you asking to talk. I would say she is fairly mature just by hearing that. A lot of preteens or teenagers for that matter don't say anything and then it's too late (they have become pregnant or gotten into some sort of trouble).

Katherine - posted on 03/19/2011

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Oh man my 5yo wanted to have the talk!!!!

I have NO idea how to do it.
With a 13 yo old just make it casual. Like April said. Ask her what she wants to know about it and then explain it.

Jenn - posted on 03/19/2011

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OH - I love the talk in the car idea!!!! It's a fantastic way to talk about more difficult things because you aren't forced to look at each other.

April - posted on 03/19/2011

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Ask her want she wants to know, then go from there and fill in any blanks for her. For instance. she probably already knows what sex is and that when a guy and a girl have sex, they can make a baby. Maybe she needs more specifics about sex (like exactly what happens physically, i.e. female bleeding when it's her first time, male ejaculation, etc..) . There are all sorts of things she could be wondering in her young mind and it is up to you to help answer her questions. It is vitally important that she came to you asking for information. You want her to have all the right facts from YOU, not her friends who might be misinformed ("you can't get pregnant on your first time" or on the opposite spectrum: "you can get pregnant from kissing". ) Spend some mother-daughter time together (take her to the movies or out to lunch) and then find a good time to bring up the subject again (in the car on the way home) . Once you start talking, it will get easier on you and your BP will be okay! It is so wonderful that she is comfortable with you...you're pretty lucky to be close to your daughter!

Jenn - posted on 03/19/2011

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I'd get some books to help your chat along if you're feeling uneasy about talking about it. I would think by her age she should know the facts, but I guess there are some kids who don't. I know myself I'll be having the talk a bit sooner than that and will just tell them basic facts first and then go from there, letting them lead with questions. If they're too timid to ask questions I would probably just be the one to push through and talk more, or find them a book that they felt more comfortable with, but knowing me and the way I am, I can't see my kids feeling totally awkward about this topic.

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How much does she know already? I use books as a starting point. My girls learned about puberty at 7 and how babies are made at 8. By 10.5 (they're 9 now) they will be getting any and all information that hasn't come up earlier since they will be going into the 6th grade and 6th graders at the school they will be going to ARE having sex... and doing drugs. As for how to do it all.... sorry, I have no clue yet. I'm so not ready, but I need to get ready. :(

Louise - posted on 03/19/2011

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I think you have done well to get to a girl of 13 most sex education is done in primary school in the UK. In the final year of primary sex is talked about alot and so is contraception. By the time they get to high school Biology class is very interesting! So if your daughter is unaware of the birds and the bees where has she been? Do you think she is doing this because she thinks your to embarassed to talk to her. Well I have been very open with my sons and i gave them the chat and was about to answer any questions the sex ed classes had left them with. When they got to 14/15 I then made them put a condom on a banana so i knew they knew all about air bubbles and kite marks. There was no way in this day and age i was going to become a gran before my time. I think really if you are open and honest about the subject then this takes away the red faces and awkward silences.

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