'they NEED their dad!'

Merry - posted on 07/04/2011 ( 15 moms have responded )

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Sometimes I see women staying with men they don't love because they think their kids *need* their dad and mom to be together.
Other women know they can't be with the dad, but still think the kids need a relationship with him even if he's a dead beat, or borderline abusive etc.
do kids *need* both parents? Is a relationship with a crappy dad better then no dad at all?
If the dad isn't in the kids life is it a huge loss? Or is it worse to have a bad influence in their lives.

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Tara - posted on 07/04/2011

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No present father is better than a present but damaging father.
A father who repeatedly breaks promises, treats the children poorly, abuses them, lies to them etc. is not fit to be a role model, even if it is just every other weekend.
I think that a stable, happy one parent home is much healthier and a much better example to kids than a two parent home where one parent is cruel or mean or abusive to the children and the other parent.
Kids need a good example and good role models not an "idealistic, blanket approach to family". And if that means a single parent family.

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[deleted account]

My kids need their father even if he is an ass.
Example, The kids are sick. I told him that and asked him to not go anywhere unless he has to because they need time to get better. He took them here there and everywhere and they have come home more sick then when they left. So far he hasn't called them this week even though he has stated that it should be no less then 3 times per week. The kids never know when he is going to call. They love him and ask to spend time with him even though he keep screwing up.
I wish i could be a fully single mum because then they woulf have stability but it wont ever happen because my ex just doesn't see whats best for the kids.
I mean the stability wont happen.

Christina - posted on 07/04/2011

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Kids need parental figures in their life, but it doesn't have to be their actual parent. My ex-husband lost his rights to our kids during our divorce. He has restricted visitation with them that he can enforce 3 times a month for 6hrs at a time. (He doesn't do that at all since he lives 1400 miles away.) He calls when he wants and stirs up trouble with the kids. So I've been cutting off phone contact with him. My kids are happier not talking to him since he chooses not to see them. (Yes his choice. He did something illegal that he knew would make me take the kids and leave if I found out, and he did it anyway.) My current husband fills the void in my children's lives and my kids are quite happy with their "new daddy" as they put it.

Teresa - posted on 07/04/2011

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I don't' think the kids need both parents at all especially in the case of abuse. I have personal experience with this in our family. My daughter married a guy that will never ever be of any value in his children's lives. What is the point? My father was in prison for 20 years. I tried to have a relationship with his after he was released. It was a mistake and a waste of my time.

The best thing parents can do for their kids is to love each other but if they can't, it is better they be apart in my opinion. Kids don't need an example of how NOT to have a good marriage. No matter how two people try, if they are not in love, it shows. I feel it is detrimental to their mental well being and it will affect them their whole lives.

Lady Heather - posted on 07/04/2011

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Also I agree with Holly 100%. When I say shitty, I mean SHITTY. haha.

Lady Heather - posted on 07/04/2011

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I don't think any kid needs a shitty dad any more than they need a shitty mum or a kick to the teeth.

Ez - posted on 07/04/2011

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In a perfect world, where both parents are willing and able to participate in the child's life, yes they need their Dad. But I agree with Tara 100%. There comes a point where the negative influences of an abusive, neglectful, non-committal father far outweighs any positives.

[deleted account]

First off, I'll point out that I am a major father's rights activist. My husband has custody of our oldest (from a previous relationship of his) and in going through the custodial stepmom journey I've found that a lot of dads are unfaily jilted in the family court system.

Saying that, if there's abuse (any kind of abuse: physical, verbal, drugs, etc.) then I think the kids aren't necessarily "better off without" but I do think that access should be limited and/or supervised (by a professional, because I've seen so many times when the suprvision is done by the abuser's parents and they don't really supervise). Of course, there are a few cicrcumstances where I think a child would be better off without the father (if he's a convicted child molestor or murderer for example), but in most cases I feel that even if he's not a "good" dad he should still be allowed time with the kids (and vice versa - they should be allowed time with their dad).

I am a firm believer in the philosphy of "better a dead beat dad than no dad at all."

Oh, and in the case where women don't leave a relationship because they think their kids need mom and dad together, I think that's wrong. I would rather hae the children see to seperated and happy parents, than parents who stay together and are unhappy all the time.

Carolee - posted on 07/04/2011

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I am sorry that he is choosing to do that to your kids, but at least they know what kind of person he is. I know it sucks now, and sometimes it's easier to not know what your parents are truly like and what they really think of you, but I don't think it has to be a bad thing forever.

Who knows... everybody's situation is different, but if there was abuse, it's better without him.

[deleted account]

They had a dad on a regular basis that saw them and spent time w/ them. Instead of where they are now... never knowing if/when he's going to call or if/when they are going to go see him. They had stability. Yeah, I provide them w/ as much stability as I can. They have other positive male role models on a regular basis that love them and spend time w/ them, but their dad is still 'involved' and always will be. It's sporadic though (they are w/ him now... for 4 weeks... for the first time in 6 months). He WON'T completely go away and it's not possible to make him go away, so they were much better off w/ him on a daily basis than on a couple times/year basis.

IF he would drop off the face of the Earth completely.... eventually they 'might' be better off, but they'd always know what they were missing and I think that longing would still be there. Hard to tell for sure though cuz I know he'll never disappear completely. It's disruptive to their lives.

I can't speak on what would or wouldn't be better if he were completely gone. I can speak that him being around constantly was way better than him being a sporadic deadbeat.

Carolee - posted on 07/04/2011

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How were they better off? I'm interested because my situation was so different (with my parents AND my son's biological father). I'm just curious.

[deleted account]

I stayed w/ a man for 2 years after I should've left... until HE left me. My kids were way better off in the last 2 years of our marriage than they've been in the 3 years since he left.

[deleted account]

A family can thrive better without a parent.In this case if the dad is not behaving appropriately as in abusive etc.Its best the mother left or had him leave.So many kids have been hurt more by there parents staying together then doing what was right.Protecting them from abuse etc.

Lacye - posted on 07/04/2011

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If the man is a good father, then yes, the child does need him. But if the man is a complete dead beat dad and doesn't want to try, then no he can go fuck himself. The mother can always find a better role model.

Carolee - posted on 07/04/2011

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I truly believe that it is worse to have the bad influence in the kids' lives. There are other options for positive male role-models. A good friend, an uncle, or even grandfather could be a suitable role-model for kids as long as they are a consistant part of their lives. And just because you leave the "father" of your child(ren) does NOT mean that you will never date, live with, or marry again! There are good men out there who will be happy to combine their life with yours and your children's. If the courts say the kids have to see their father, then that's one thing, but to not leave an abusive relationship and use the kids as the reason is (IMO) not healthy on a number of levels.

On the other hand, having a relationship with a crappy dad CAN have it's benefits (occasionally... NOT typically the case). My dad was crap when I was growing up, and he knows it. He never wanted my sister and me, and we know it. I have had the "upper hand" for years with him because he knows how crappy he was, and he actually, truly, feels bad about what he did to us. In the past, I have been able to use that to my advantage. Unfortunately, abusive men tend to just not care, don't feel bad (ever), and it is just better all around to cut all ties that you can.

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