To be liked or not liked

Veronica - posted on 07/05/2011 ( 52 moms have responded )

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A conversation was brought up while visiting with my aunts about discipline, etc. And we hit this topic about our kids "hating us" because we put our foot down, and are strict about rules, etc. in the household. (For instance - when they are grounded from something - my aunt takes away their video games for a month strait -- they all tell her she is a mean mother -- but hey, they think twice the next time they do it) So, i wanted to see what other mothers ideas were....

When/If your kids say, "i hate you" or "i dont like you mommy" --- what is your reaction/thoughts to this??
My kids have said this to me - because they didnt get what they wanted, or i stood firm on something with them ---- I feel like Im doing my job, regardless of what my kids say.
However, I know of a lot of moms who are told by their kids that they are unliked or hated - that bawl about it, and then give in to their kids, because "they dont want their kids to hate them".

SO - which type of parent are you (without bashing anyone) -- A) Hate me all you want, you arent getting your way OR B) You can have the cookie, i dont want you to hate me

P.S. the hate talk comes around 7/8 years old -- so im not talking about a 1 or 2 year old -- im relating to the older children as you are developing and sticking by rules, chores, and teaching them life lessons, etc.

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[deleted account]

I had a thought. Tell me if I'm right or wrong. (My son is only 10mo.)

Kids who really fear and loathe you don't scream "I hate you." That's a kid who's comfortable.

Krista - posted on 07/06/2011

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Like Lisa, I'm neither. I'm not big on rules that are there solely for asserting my own authority. Any rule that I have in the house has to have a sensible rationale and reasoning behind it. But when it comes to those rules, then yes, I will stand firm. And I understand that there will be many times that they will loathe me for having those rules in place -- but my job isn't to be perpetually popular with them. My role is to raise them into decent human beings.

That being said, it's easier said than done. Sometimes I stand firm, sometimes I pick my battles, and sometimes I wave the white flag.

I keep a stash of organic cereal bars in my glove box, so that my toddler can have a snack on our 45-minute drive home every day.

Has there been the odd time that he's wailed and yelled for another bar? Yep.

Have I said, "No, honey. You had your bar already."? Yep.

Have I then endured 5 minutes of wailing and bawling before giving in, thinking, "Fuck it. I'm going to wind up going off the road if he keeps howling. Besides...at least it's a moderately healthy snack, right?"

Yep. I've caved.

We try, right? That's all we can do.

Veronica - posted on 07/06/2011

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I agree with compromise as welll, and have reworded stuff for the positive, rather than the negative, which does help with struggles. For instance (a negative) - 'mom can i have a cookie" (me) 'no, you cannot have a cookie til after dinner" -- instead -(positive) - "yes, you may have a cookie, right after you finish your dinner."
I have found that this simple switcheroo actually works wonders - and my kids are more likely to eat up their food, or do their chores, when the agreement has been made and the comprimise in place.
It's when i say no, that the hate/dislike talk comes out. BUT i also make sure they understand why im saying no - 'not now', 'you disobeyed a rule, therefore the answer is no', etc. etc.

Minnie - posted on 07/06/2011

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I'm neither. We have boundaries to keep ourselves and property safe. I also don't fall all over myself to make a point JUST to be the authority. Sometimes I rethink what I've enforced and apologized when I realized that it was a bit silly.



We work together. I don't lord it over my kids but they also don't run amok.



On a side note Evelyn announced the other day that we are all tiddlywinks compared to chips :/. Even her beloved uncle, lol.

Constance - posted on 07/06/2011

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All my kids have said that they hate me or my husband. I always just respond with," That's ok I still love you." They don't get what they want but they know I stand my ground. The hate disappears when it is time for dessert.

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Gina - posted on 07/08/2011

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I was watching Oprah when my 13 year old wanted to go shopping together because she was bored, I told her I wasn't feeling well so no. She did some begging til I told her to go nag dad of course she yelled hates me and I'm ruining her life.
"Tell Oprah " I told her, Nope I'm e-mailing Dr Phil she yelled. Gotta love them!

Jodi - posted on 07/07/2011

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My 6 year old doesn't settle just for "I hate you". No...... She continues "nobody loves me, everyone hates me, you all don't love me, it's not fair, you never love me, ever" and on and on and on. But at least she is in her room shouting this out, and no-one is listening to her. I don't react to anything like this other than tell her to go to her room, but mostly, I don't even need to tell her that, because she is already storming off to her room of her own accord.

Jane - posted on 07/07/2011

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I say "Just doing my job, honey!"

In other words, "Hate me all you want, you aren't getting your way."

BTW the hate talk continues and gets worse during the teen years sometimes.

Casey - posted on 07/07/2011

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My oldest child isn't even 3 yet so I am yet to experience the hate talk yet from him, but I am a big believer that I am their mother not their friend and if they do something that I think is not appropriate then I will pull them up about it and take whatever action is nessaccary and if they don't like it to bad and if they want to say nasty things to me thats ok they won't see a reaction from me at all (I'll cry about it later lol), children at that age don't mean it when they say "I hate you mum" or "your a mean mum" they are just trying to hurt you and get a reaction.

Adrienne - posted on 07/07/2011

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My daughter is only a year old so obviously this does not pertain to me, but, I will be a mother that stands by my rules and sticks to my guns. My mom was that way and I feel awful for all the times I told her "I hate you" when I was younger, but I can tell you, if you get sick of hearing it (and this will probably sound wrong to many people but my mom is THE most loving and caring person you could ever meet, she was just fed up with my attitude, which was AWFUL!) I will never forget the day I yelled, "I hate you!" and she said "well I hate you too!" I NEVER said it again after that, because even though I knew she didn't mean it, it made me realize how much it hurt to hear!

Jennie - posted on 07/07/2011

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There is an old quotes about parenting..."You have to love your kids enough, to let them hate you." My younger children, 7 and 9 as well as my 15 year old son have never told me they hated me. But...my 16 year old daughter has. I just laugh and say to her, thats fine. Rules are rules and discipline is discipline. They get over it quickly!

Gina - posted on 07/07/2011

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I posted without reading the other posts. I agree with Veronica, how you say your words makes a difference.If you do your homework than watch TV you're enjoy it more and be relaxed, works better than 'No do your homework now' I have always explained things to my daughter, I found that if she knows 'why' she accepts things better. Of course that was before the wonderful teen years, somehow all bets are off now! LOL

Gina - posted on 07/07/2011

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I'm type A,my daughter has yelled that she hates me when I make her do something she doesn't want to do. I have to admit it does hurt,but I stick to what I believe is best for her. I've been telling her I'm only trying to look after you,and you're making it near impossible by screaming I'm ruining your life by making you wear a coat, Ah teenagers!
My wise father said 'You know you're doing something right when your kids say they hate you'

LadyJane - posted on 07/06/2011

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My 6yr old has done the "I Hate you bit" and I just look at him and say, that still isn't going to allow you do get what you want... About an hour later, he'll come down and tell me that he needs to tell me something and then he'll "apologize" and will give me a hug. He knows he's not going to get away with things just because he decides to get an attitude about it.

Vegemite - posted on 07/06/2011

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7/8 HA! Mine's 3 and has said all the I don't like you, you're mean, go away, stuff for a long time. He'll say it if he doesn't want to tidy up, feed the cats, make his bed, have a bath, eat, go to bed or if he wants to do or have something he's not allowed. I stand my ground. I don't change my mind if I've said he has to or can't do or have something then I can't go back on myself. Sometimes we'll talk about it and make a compromise. He can have something I've said he can't if he gives something else up or does an extra chore but that is only with the small stuff. Pick and chose the battles I say. I don't know how this will work as he gets older but I guess I'll have to figure that out when we get there.

Rosie - posted on 07/06/2011

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it does hurt me-but not enough to make me change my mind on my punishment. it does make me question myself ALOT. that's for damn sure. he (my oldest) definitly knows how to push my buttons. he has ADHD so i feel like iam disciplining him waaaay more often then his brothers. he obviously feels that way too, and he pulls the whole "you don't do that to vinnie" card. makes me feel guilty.

Amie - posted on 07/06/2011

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Ours started the mean/hate talk about 3 years old - each of them. We also have had rules and boundaries since they were born. It was only at this age, where they could truly rebel against them, that it started cropping up as a problem. It always starts off with telling mommy (or daddy) to go away, I don't like you or You're mean. The actual I HATE YOU ('cause ya, mine screamed it) started at about 5 and lasted roughly until 7. Our son will be 7 in two months, he still has "I hate you" episodes at least once every other week. He really hates cleaning up after himself, oh well kiddo. (Which is weird when I think about it, he loves helping me clean the house but his room - he hates it LOL)



It has never phased me. I'm not here to be liked and I know they love me even during an emotional outburst. I'm here to prepare them for adulthood - one small step at a time.



Besides, they eventually figure out what it is they are really saying - then come apologize for it as soon as their emotions are under control. Mine do that too. It usually takes a couple min to ten minutes, depending on the mood they're in.

Stifler's - posted on 07/06/2011

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They'll get over it is my thoughts. I told my parents that shit all the time as a kid to get what I wanted, I didn't mean it. Most kids don't. I won't give cookies for shite behaviour just so my kids don't "hate me".

Sal - posted on 07/06/2011

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i have a little of the opposite latley, my son (15) told me i was being nice, what wrong your not usually nice to me?....i explained that is was because he wasn;t being a shit, and was helping out when asked, he wasn;'t harrassing his sisters just for fun and because he was getting out of bed at an earlier time he wasn't making the whle family wait upon him, he was stunned that would make a difference...sometimes i have to wonder just how that boy walks and breaths at the some time!!!

[deleted account]

Hehe funny story. My daughter, five at the time, threw a fit in walmart. I was pregnant had a buggy full of groceries and her younger sister. I dropped everything carried her out while she was screaming "you harmless woman!!" She meant you heartless woman lol! Whenever she gets mad at me I tell her im a harmless woman :). There is a difference between your kids actually hating you and saying this. I believe every kid at some point says something along the line of hating their parents. Hate me but respect my rules.

Jennifer - posted on 07/06/2011

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Yes this is a great strategy! I love it when I get cooperation just by how I react (or take advantage of) to situation!

Jennifer - posted on 07/06/2011

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I believe if your kids like you ALL the time you are clearly NOT doing your job as a parent. Your job is not to be liked, its to be respected. I enjoy it when my kids and I play together and have fun but I have no problem laying down the law. I want my children to be nice responsible adults and they won't get that way by being over indulged or allowed to get away with bad behavior.

Desiree - posted on 07/06/2011

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I am at the " You don't listen to me anymore" stage of life, yip I have a teen and a tween. Girls are worse than boys at this stage and when I get the SULK or You don't love me my answer to both is. I am not here to be your friend so I don't care what your opinion on the matter is the answer remains NO!. As to " I hate You"'s that fine to that means I am doing something right and the other favourite is "but my friends....." I don't care about your friends I am not their mother the answer still remains NO! end of story.



I am a mother and not a friend to my kids they know the boundries and because of it they know they can come to me about anything and everything. they know my love is unending and has no strings attached and even though there are times they disappoint me I love them more then because I know they will learn from their mistakes and that they are learning the correct way to deal with any problem that may come their direction.

[deleted account]

Yes of course.Your own manner as a parent is above all the most important.You have to treat your children with respect It makes teaching them so much easier and so much more pleasant.Positive parenting is the key in my home.
I agree with what you said Veronica.:-)

Tania - posted on 07/06/2011

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As the mother of a teen I can speak from expierience. At least from a disiplinary standpoint I hear at least once a week that I am ruining is life . At this point he knows what is expected of him most of the time. I take privilages away if he is overly disrespectful and rude. I tell him that I'll survive nd eventually so will he.

Unless we have other plans he can usually do the things he wants to do and if he can't he will do it another time. If he knows the reasons why there is rarely an argument.

The one thing I have noticed is that yes you parenting style does change as your kids get older. For me it did anyway. Ben became much more demanding and anxious as he got older so the disiplinary style changed.

Jenni - posted on 07/06/2011

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It is funny that more often than not it's all in how you word things for kids. ;)

Veronica - posted on 07/06/2011

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I agree with compromise as welll, and have reworded stuff for the positive, rather than the negative, which does help with struggles. For instance (a negative) - 'mom can i have a cookie" (me) 'no, you cannot have a cookie til after dinner" -- instead -(positive) - "yes, you may have a cookie, right after you finish your dinner."
I have found that this simple switcheroo actually works wonders - and my kids are more likely to eat up their food, or do their chores, when the agreement has been made and the comprimise in place.
It's when i say no, that the hate/dislike talk comes out. BUT i also make sure they understand why im saying no - 'not now', 'you disobeyed a rule, therefore the answer is no', etc. etc.

Veronica - posted on 07/06/2011

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I agree with compromise as welll, and have reworded stuff for the positive, rather than the negative, which does help with struggles. For instance (a negative) - 'mom can i have a cookie" (me) 'no, you cannot have a cookie til after dinner" -- instead -(positive) - "yes, you may have a cookie, right after you finish your dinner."
I have found that this simple switcheroo actually works wonders - and my kids are more likely to eat up their food, or do their chores, when the agreement has been made and the comprimise in place.
It's when i say no, that the hate/dislike talk comes out. BUT i also make sure they understand why im saying no - 'not now', 'you disobeyed a rule, therefore the answer is no', etc. etc.

Jenni - posted on 07/06/2011

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lol I do that too Toni. ;)

My son always wants a drink before bed but I don't want him to polish off an entire cup because we're working on NT PT. So I say, ok you can have a few sips. To avoid a total meltdown at bedtime! Plus, I'd feel totally evil denying him a basic need. So we compromise. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. We haven't had any problems with it. I'm sure there are other situations I do that in as well, just can't think of any off hand.

But I think coming to compromises is essential. Not only is it an important life skill but it's a great way to avoid unnecessary power struggles.

[deleted account]

I think I'm an A parent - already if I say no I mean no - I always explain why I have said no because I respect my son and he deserves to know my reasoning (if I haven't got a good reason I can't say no) but usually I give guides so you can have some cake once you've eaten your dinner (he has to attempt his dinner not eat it all) for example.

I am very firm when I have said no because I know it'll make my life easier in the long run, if I do have a rare situation like Krista's where I give in for my sanity I try and do it in a way he doesn't realise, so instead of giving him a whole bar I'd give him bits of 'mommies' bar - but I don't think I'll get away with that for much longer :-)

[deleted account]

If you get a "i hate you" once in a while.Be assured your being a good mom.Your not giving in and allowing your child to be the parent.
You have to have times were what you say goes.
My kids know we are the parents and sometimes we say no.Its accepted and we move on.
People think we might be hard on them but we can't allow our children to expect to have/want everything the ask for.We practise gentle discipline in our home.We speak softly, handle situation's calmly, teach them and help them understand.Our children are well behaved.

So don't tell me i am to hard on them.Which we have been told.
My kids are not the ones having tantrums at home or in public because they can't have what they want.I mean that respectfully.
You have to say no sometimes.

Amanda - posted on 07/06/2011

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When my older children tell me they hate me, or Im a mean mom. I respond with "Good it means I am doing my job as a parent right!"

Jenni - posted on 07/06/2011

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As Lisa mentioned. Most of the time I consider most requests with an "I'll think about it". But I usually only say no to issues concerning safety and respect.
With other requests we have discussions on why it may not be a good idea. Maybe we can do that another time. Or some form of a compromise.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 07/06/2011

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I think the "I hate you" can start really at any age. My son is five, and I think he uttered those words for the first time at about 3 1/2. I am not typically one to cave, but sometimes I have to stop and look at what I am saying no to. If it is more of a reaction to what he wants, usually I will let him have it. But there are definitely times to stand firm. You really need to pick your battles.

Jenni - posted on 07/06/2011

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I'm not the type to say 'no' to everything. I weigh whether or not the request is unreasonable before deciding. I feel it's important for my children to have control over many small things in their lives. But of course, there are requests that are simply not up for debate.



When I do decide the situation calls for an "absolute NO". That is it. End of discussion. My children can pull out all the stops but I am an unmovable stone. Of course, my children are too young for the "I hate you" yet. But if it's in response to not getting their way, I would see it as, they hate that I'm saying no. They may hate me (rather dislike me) in that moment because I am the one standing in the way of getting something they desire.



So no, I don't give in. I honestly don't recall a time where I did give in because they whined or tantrumed to a denial of an unreasonable request. Once I say "no" I stick to my guns, no matter what.

Teresa - posted on 07/06/2011

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Your kids are not going to like you all the time and that's a fact. You are their parent, not their friend. You are their teacher, not their friend. You are responsible for teaching them what is right and wrong and learning that they can't do whatever they want whenever they want.

All my kids of demonstrated their dislike for me at some point but I have always stuck to my guns when it comes to discipline. There are some rules which must be adhered to in my household, Curfew, chores, no back talk.

What do I do when they say they hate me? Nothing. They have a right to express their feelings, but they aren't going to sway me from the rules or make me cry about it. They are simply lashing out and I take it as just that.

Bernie - posted on 07/06/2011

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My son is only three and has autism but we regularly get grunted/groweld at if he gets told off or put in time out.
Hopefully I will be a type "A". I knew of a Mum who was a type "B" and her daughter ruled the house, sabotaged her relationships, grounding only lasted 1 hour with her.

Sal - posted on 07/06/2011

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ohhh and like juleah also had a all complaints in writing to be forwarded to me by close of bussiness for consideration during the next working day, he got sick of writing and gettig the same reply...."thankyou, your letter is important to us, unfortuatly there is no one on the managment board able to deal with it at this time as the CEO is on maternity leave and isn;t expected back for some time, there is an oportunity fr you to take a redunancy from the organisation as we are considering outsourcing the position of cranky teenager to an off shore temping agency, you will be given 100 years of your yearly income as a reduncy payout, we have calculated this (minus any outstanding debts owed to the organisation) to be -1000 dollars, please forward balance outstanding if you decide to leave our family..

Sal - posted on 07/06/2011

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does it bother me....well it isn't nice to hear, but it is part of the mum game so thats just the way it goes sometime,

Sal - posted on 07/06/2011

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i think last time one of my kids pulled this on me, i just told them they don;t have to like me, just do as thy are told, and seen as he was a teenage boy he had limited appeal for me as well....but i did love him,

[deleted account]

My girls started to say to me.... Mom, you're kinda mean. My response to that was.... Only kinda? I'd better get working on that then. ;)

Does that answer your question? lol I AM also a 'softie' though, but that's cuz my memory sucks so bad that most of the time I can't remember when I've restricted them from something.... Oops. I DO want my kids to like me, but not at the expense of their behavior. So if they're behavior sucks.... they aren't going to like me very much for a while.

JuLeah - posted on 07/05/2011

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Wait ... yours will get there .... I don't know any who have not had their days such as this

Carolee - posted on 07/05/2011

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Wow! JuLeah, that is the most spectacular thing I've read in a while! I hope I'm that witty when my kids start in on that crap hard-core.

JuLeah - posted on 07/05/2011

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I have been told I am a 'Bad Mama' and that "Other Mamas' don't make their kids do homework like that" and "Maybe you are not even my Mama" and "If you make me do this (homework again) I will hate myself for life. Can you live with that?" And, "If you really loved me you would ..."

IF I respond, I say something like, "Hush your fussing"

or "Knock it off"

or "Submit all complaints in writing"

Once, when she really got going, I started to type an email and asked her to please repeat what she had just said.
"Why"
"I am emailing Aunt Susan and want to make sure I get your words just right"
"I don't want anyone to know what I am saying. I sound like a baby"

I just laughed ... she quit ....

I don't need to be liked. I know she loves me.

My job is to be the wall she bounces off of, the wall she runs her head into .... the safety net, the boundary .... she has many friends, she needs me to be her mother

Veronica - posted on 07/05/2011

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I feel exactly the same way --- i know a person who just couldnt stand that her son would tell her that he hated her, when she would put him in timeout - he would cry so hard - and she would sit and cry too - he would tell her how bad she was -- then she would grab him and tell him she is soo sorry -- that was when he was 5 -- he is now 12 - and runs the roost --- he gets what he wants, eats what he wants, and doesnt do anything around the house either --- I just dont understand this mentality....

[deleted account]

My 4 yr old has a nice habit of this exact thing when she gets told she can't have or can't do something. My reaction when she says " I hate you" is to turn around and say "I'll always love you" It annoys her so much.
I hold firm. If i don't they would walk all over me.

Firebird - posted on 07/05/2011

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My daughter's 6 and she tells me she hates me at least 3 times a month. I know she doesn't mean it so I either say "good!" or I laugh and say "no you don't!".

Lady Heather - posted on 07/05/2011

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I'm kind of expecting it to happen one day. I don't think I ever told my mum I hated her but my sister did ALL THE TIME. Haha. My response will be something along the lines of "Well that's a pity because I LOVE you."

Veronica - posted on 07/05/2011

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I don't think mother's in B are 'bad' mothers or what not - i know its hard to be told you are unliked or hated by your own children - but you also understand why they are saying it -- its not like you are abusing them or being unreasonable for them to literally have that feeling -- but i think there are more 'soft' mothers in society than there used to be, and i think it has led to the disrespect of teens/young adults that are in society these days -- but that may be a whole other debate.

Carolee - posted on 07/05/2011

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Well, my oldest is turning 4 this month, so I can't say from experience yet, but I hope I'm in the A group. My son HAS started the "c'mon mom, make me happy" and "you're making me sad/cry" talk, though. I couldn't help but laugh. It was so cute, but he didn't get his way, no matter how hard he tried. I hope to stay firm with both my kids. I would MUCH rather they hate me than be "intitled brats" like some other kids I know (I am not saying that those in group B are making their children that way... the people I know take B to the extreme).

Kate CP - posted on 07/05/2011

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Meh. My mom put her foot down when I was younger. I was pissed at the time but I don't think I hated her for it nor do I hate her now. At the time it seemed like the world was collapsing because I wasn't getting my way...but it was never that big of a deal.

I've had the "You can think I'm mean all you want. You can be angry all you want. You're still not watching another movie" fight. So I guess I'm type A). ;)

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