Touchy subject (Just want some oppinions)

Danielle - posted on 06/08/2011 ( 18 moms have responded )

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Before I met my husband he was in a long time relationship with this girl we'll call Sarah. She cheated on him and they broke up and stayed broke up for mnths. One day one of her friends came to him concerned b/c *Sarah was pregnant and was apparently trying to starve the baby out of herself. He went to see her and she was 7 mnths pregnant and was about 120lbs. She told him that the baby was his so he stepped up and although he was in his senior year in highschool he was going to quit school so he could work to support her and the baby. They got back together and she cheated on him again and this time when they broke up she first said she was raped and the baby was not his and then another time told him that the baby belonged to the guy she cheated on him with. They went their seperate ways. We met, got married and had children and he hasn't had contact with her since. She has since gotten married and the man is raising the little boy as his own.I ran into her the other day and it was like looking at my son and husband..he looks JUST like them. I talked to my husband about it and his only reply was "I have TWO children...not three" but I could tell it bothers him. If that's his son I want him to have something to do with him and I would like my children to know him but my husband doesn't want to stir the waters. I know it's none of my business but I just worry about when that little boy finds out that the man raising him is not his dad and if my husband is, how it will effect him. I was adopted and had a hard time understanding why my parents didn't want me. As an adult I found my mother but my father still wouldn't have anything to do with me and it hurt. I don't plan on going to her, but should I continue to talk to my husband about it or do I just let it go?

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√v^√v^√♥ - posted on 06/09/2011

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I think it's noble to discuss your concerns with your husband as you have been in a similar situation before. It is kind of you to worry about this other little boy and how he might feel.

It is your husbands possible child though, and if he doesn't want to be in the childs life, that is his choice. Also, if this boy is being raised by another father and his mother is happy.. why touch that situation?

I would be concerned about what could happen later on too. Did they ever get an official paternity test done? What if the mother requests it and starts to ask for child support from your husband? We just cannot see into the future though, so who knows if she will stay content in her current situation or flip out in the future. Sorry to hear this may be a possibility.

I know I was with my ex for 3 years and about a month after we broke up, I found out he thinks he has a 5 year old daughter. I laughed in his face because it wasn't my problem anymore but the situation with him is that it was an affair so the woman would never tell her husband. Lovely huh? But I just thought, how sad. And how stressful and angry I would have been if I had stayed with my ex, having to worry about this child that might pop up from a previous relationship? We all meet people and want to move on.... so when the past jumps back in, it's not easy to deal with.

I would just talk to your husband about what he would do if this happens. Ask him how he feels, how he would deal with it and at least gain comfort from the conversation you and he has. Don't pressure him to do anything, but ask him about every possible scenario and see how he responds or would respond.

That way you are not worrying about what could happen years into the future. Wondering about how this little boy is doing and what not.

Personally, if the kid has a dad, even not a real one, raising him. I say leave it alone. But I would discuss that if and when that situation changes and the 'dad' leaves...... I would ask my husband to step in and be his real father seeing as he needs him finally. I don't think there is anything wrong with that much. My friend is doing this with his kids and I think its ok.

Alyssa - posted on 06/08/2011

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Thats tough! IMO It would be best to let your husband know you support him (as it sounds like you have) and let him make his own mind up.In time he might change his mind and he would need to know you are there for him too. Good luck

[deleted account]

Sometimes the right thing to do is so hard! I admire your concern for the boy and your desire to spare him the pain of thinking his father "didn't want him". I just wanted to let you know Danielle, that I really admire the way you're handling the situation. Not many women would be level headed enough to see past the shock of running into a boy who looks just like her son and husband.

JuLeah - posted on 06/08/2011

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This is not yours. It is a chance to work on, deal with, resolve issues the situation has brought up for you, but it is not yours.



That little one might never find out. If he does, it will unfold as it is meant to.



To support your husband, you can honor his wishes. Listen if he wants to talk, but he won't want to reason things out with you if he knows you will be pushing him to take action he is not ready to take.

[deleted account]

I honestly don't know what I would do in that situation. I know what I would WANT to do, and that is to find out if the boy is your husband's or not. But I think you're doing the right thing by stepping back, making it clear that you would welcome this boy with open arms, should he really be your husband's. I think though, part of me sees it from the boy's perspective. I grew up without a father and then when I finally met mine, he was pretty much a schmuck. But I know what it's like to be lied to and then to find out the truth and it hurts like hell. I think the place I'm coming from is that I feel like the CHILD, more than anyone else, deserves to know the truth, one way or another. But again, if I were in your shoes, I think I'd just allow the people actually involved handle it how they see best. It sounds like this woman put your husband through the ringer way back when and that he's probably hurt and afraid to find out. If he was invested that much as a high school student, where he was willing to drop out of school and help raise a baby....then I'm sure it hurt like hell to go through what she put him through and then to ultimately be told that the baby wasn't his (even if it really is). Maybe he's just afraid to revisit that kind of disappointment?

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~♥Little Miss - posted on 06/09/2011

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Awe, well, I guess just give him some time to work through this. He has already probably grieved over the loss of a child, due to his ex's antics....dealing with it again right now might be to hard. I would never just let it go, just keep it in your mind.....just let him bring it up next time.

Danielle, I have never met my father either. I was not adopted, but he was a pretty terrible man to my mother. She left him running fror her life, and for me and my sister's lifes. I was just a baby...newborn I think. He died when I was 16 years old.

Danielle - posted on 06/09/2011

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@Marina~ We have talked indepth about the situation. He knows exactly how I feel about everything. He's also been there every step of the way of my situation with my family. When my father (biological) died and I got the call that he had passed, my husband was furious b/c I wanted to go to the funeral.(I had never seen the man till his funeral and my sister had told him that I had found them and he never made any attempt to contact me) He sat with me many nights as I cried b/c I never got to say the things I needed to say to the man. He's seen how hard it was for my mother to face me and explain why she had given me up. I guess that's why it's so hard for me to just stand back and quit putting my nose where it doesn't belong lol. I do worry about my kids running into him later in life and have questions themselves why we never told them. We live in a small town..everyone shops at the same grocery store, uses the same bank and the teenagers all hang out at the same place.
@Joy~ Thank you, that's really sweet of you. My friends don't understand why I'm so worried about it, but the way I look at it that little boy did not ask to be brought into this situation and I also believe that if you have a child it's your responsibility to take care of it. Whether you're with that person's mother or not. In my eyes it has nothing to do with the adults in the situation. Personally I don't like his mother due to how she done my husband but it wouldn't be right to take it out on her son.
We may never find out the truth and he may grow up and spend the rest of his life thinking his stepfather is his dad, I just want to be prepared if it does come to light.

Karen - posted on 06/08/2011

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My husband has a cousin who is in this situation. He got a girl pregnant who had cheated on him and the child looks just like him. They got a paternitly test done and it came back that it was his. During all the court sesions, he cooperated 100% on child support and visitation everything. He wanted to be a father to that child so bad. The problem was that the baby's mom was harrasing him, telling all his/her friends and family that he was being the total opposite. That he was a dead beat dad and we all knew what he was doing for his little girl. She was trying so hard to push him away. He tried talking to her and working things out so they could be parents together (not looking for a relationship). Still no cooperation from her end. So finally he told us he was signing his parental rights off. (wich is what she wanted). He had grown up being pulled in 2 different directions by his parents and didn't want that for his little girl. The mother was happy with her knew spouse and he was doing a great job at raising her. So he figured it would be best for him to just step out and let the fighting stop before she was old enough for it to affect his little girl the way it affected him. He knew the mom would not give up the harrasment and would rather his daughter not know him at all than to put her through all the bad experiences she was facing. He is hoping that someday when she grows up that he can find her and explain. I would ask your husband how he feels about it. You really have to go by that. Maybe it's something small getting in the way. Maybe it's something that you can mediate between them so you can all have visitation with the child. I don't know. I don't know if what my husband's cousin did was right or not either. Just giving you an experience to go from. It's sad when these things happen. I hope it works out though.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 06/08/2011

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Very nice Joy. That was really sweet!

One more thing Danielle, is there a chance that your child and is potential child could ever be in a social setting? School, friends...I know your child is younger, but still.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 06/08/2011

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I am guessing that you have told your husband how you feel about never knowing your real parents and how heartbreaking that is?? Wowza, this is a tough one. I can relate on many levels that I will not bore you with all the details, but my sister has a son by the another man...but the man she is married to adopted him. He has been part of the boys life since he was six months old...or maybe a year...anyway,he has no idea this is not his father. We have all told my sister repeatedly to tell him the truth. It is her choice, her life. The boy just turned 16, and still doesn't know. When the other shoe drops, it is gonna be devestating for him.

That all aside, this is your husbands choice. Have you told him your children together could have a sibling?!? This is so tough.

Danielle - posted on 06/08/2011

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I've thought about the back child support and that would be hard on us but I would gladly do it if it insured that this little boy didn't spend one night wondering why his dad didn't want anything to do with him. I've decided that as hard as it will be I'm just going to drop the subject completely. If my husband wants to talk about it then I'll be there to offer any support or advice I can provide but I don't think that he wants to get caught up in it so I'm going to try to quit worrying about it.

Lacye - posted on 06/08/2011

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This is a tough one. On the one hand, if your husband does force the issue about the boy, it could be a big mess because he will have to start paying child support as well as any back child support. You and your husband will have to put up with this woman for the rest of your lives.

On the other hand, if your husband doesn't force the issue, the child could find out the man he thought was is father isn't and he will ask your husband why he didn't come forward. Your husband could tell the truth and say that he honestly didn't know about him. It's not like your husband is rejecting him, he doesn't know if the boy is his.

I think for now it might be a good idea to let it go. Yeah you can talk to your husband about it all but that might cause problems between you and him if you try to force him to do it. From the sounds of it, he doesn't want to.

Nancy - posted on 06/08/2011

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I believe it is great you want to talk to him about this, but eventually it will be his choice what he wants to do. I think he would be better of doing a paternity test to see if he is the father or not. Later in life he might regret not having stepped up to this issue. I understand he doesn't want to stir the waters, but if this is his son, he has a responsibility as his dad!

Danielle - posted on 06/08/2011

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I don't know that he does know that his stepfather is not his dad. I'm just worried that one day he'll find out and hate my hubby b/c he wasn't there. As far as I know she's still saying her son isn't his. She hasn't asked for anything nor contacted either of us. I'm not going to pressure him into talking to her..I wouldn't appreciate it if he did that to me. I just don't want him to think that I would have a problem with him having a relationship with his son. I have told him that, but he still says that he has his family and that's that. I was just curious as to what someone else would do in my situation.

Krista - posted on 06/08/2011

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Man, that's a tough situation. She sounds like a real piece of work, and I would bet dollars to donuts that this kid DOESN'T know that his stepdad isn't his real dad. But he might.

If I were him, I'd be contacting his ex and just asking if the kid knows, and I'd leave contact information in case he wanted to get in touch.

But, I can understand why your husband is reluctant to walk into a potential hornet's nest with his psycho ex. This isn't something you're going to be able to persuade or force him to do -- this is his own situation that he has to deal with. All you can do is let him know that if he wants to talk about it, you're happy to listen.

Amanda - posted on 06/08/2011

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I agree with your husband let waters stay still. If this child believes an other man is his father then leave it be. If he figures out later that this man isnt his father thats something SHE has to deal with, not your husband.

Stifler's - posted on 06/08/2011

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Demand a paternity test if she's trying to claim he's his and will want backpay for years of supposed neglect. She sounds like the type.

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