Tough time integrating with potential step-child

Christina - posted on 03/25/2013 ( 10 moms have responded )

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How do you leave someone you love knowing it isn't going to work because his child is too bad? I know it sounds horrible. My children can't stand this boy. My bf is talking marriage and I feel it would be a disaster blending our family. I feel terrible thinking this way but this child yells at me, doesn't have any manners, is over the top hyper and very loud. Refuses to clean after himself. I don't even have to tell mine to pick up after themselves they just do it. I just don't see how we are going to survive living together without my kids just locking themselves in their room

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Have you spoken to him about this issue?
Try to do so in a manner that does not attack his parenting, or his child, but address your concerns. Let him know that you are concerned about the details of blending a family. Point out areas where you parent differently and look for a compromise--be careful not to imply that your parenting is correct and his is incorrect, or that your parenting in somehow better than his (even if this is the case, you don't want to put him on the defensive.) Through parenting the step child in more similar ways to your own children, you may be able to quell some of his irritating habits (and help him out in the long run as well).

Also, many couples who are blending a family benefit a lot from family counselling. This would be a session, probably just once a month during the year or so leading up to your marriage, and during the first few years of your marriage. The counselor can help you address specific areas of conflict, communicate your fears, frustrations, and feelings clearly and without conflict, and give you exercises to help you bond as a family.

It's not wrong to leave him because you can't stand his kid, but if you really love him, I think it's worth giving the relationship a real shot--but it will take more than just trying on your own.

Christina - posted on 03/25/2013

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He has him two weeks at a time. We don't live together. We have been dating for almost two years and I love him dearly it gives me anxiety thinking about blending our family.

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Christina - posted on 03/28/2013

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Thanks Kristi and to everyone. I have spoken to the boys mother and she tells me it takes days to get him straighten out when he comes back to her so I know he has it in him to act right . the dad is doing more harm than good trying to be his friend than parent. Its just a different world too fast than when I was raised.what happened to respect? It has turned into entitlement. But I have read evey post and I thank you guys.

Kristi - posted on 03/28/2013

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I'm so sorry, Christina. What a sad situation for everyone. It is amazing what some kids are allowed to get away with these days.

I do want to clarify that when we all went to counseling, the therapists never accused him or blamed him solely or outright. They were always sensitive and diplomatic. But he knew from the get go he was screwing with everybody so he was only there as a facade to begin with. The mere suggestion he try a new "technique" he bailed because he "knew" they were on to him.

It helped the rest of us because we were open minded and willing to work together. Sadly, it doesn't sound like your boyfriend has an open mind. I don't mean to sound disrespectful, but if he thinks his son's behavior is funny and that you just need to lighten up, I think he needs to wake up and grow up. That is a huge disaster waiting to happen.

Do you have family and/or friends nearby that can help you work through this? Have you talked to your kids? If so, what are their thoughts? I've been assuming they're older.

I completely get how awful this is for you. I will tell you what though, if more people were as honest with themselves as you are and as selfless, there would be a lot less long term suffering, especially for innocent children. You are very brave. **hugs**

Christina - posted on 03/27/2013

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Kristi I feel like if I were able to get him to talk to someone and she pointed the finger at him then there would be resentment like in your situation. I just feel the best thing for everyone is to walk away. I'm just having a hard time leaving a man that I love.

Christina - posted on 03/27/2013

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Thanks for all the responds. He is an only child. They think his behavior is funny. The dad laughs at the things that he does. If he tells him to do something and the child yells back no I'm not doing this then the dad just laughs. Let me tell you if I yelled at my dad I would have been searching for my teeth. I have tried to talk to him and he doesn't see it says I need to relax that he is a good kid.

Kristi - posted on 03/27/2013

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Sorry...I can't scroll on this iPad. Anyways...I just want to wish you the very best no matter what you decide. You are very wise to be cautious. Take care.

Kristi - posted on 03/27/2013

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I think you're being very realistic and logical. It is better to recognize and deal with this before your relationship goes any further. It is essential for you and your boyfriend to be on the same page about how to move forward, if you do, with his son. Otherwise, as you said, nobody will survive living together and you'll end up with a lot of hurt feelings and resentment.

Kelly has made very excellent suggestions if that sounds like something you want to pursue and you think has a chance to work. You do need to talk to your boyfriend about this. However, if you do consider the family therapy, you need to make sure your kids are on board. The last thing you want is to force them into something and end up ruining your relationship with them.

My first husband has daughters from his first wife and that whole situation was a mess. We all went to counseling and the girls, their Mom and I worked very well together. My ex-husband dropped out when the therapist basically called him the problem. But, he was later diagnosed as a sociopath so he's a bad example but like I said the rest of us were very successful and all remained close for a good 15 more years until my daughter and I moved 1500 miles away and now we have a harder time staying in touch.

Gloria - posted on 03/26/2013

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Have you tried discscussing with your Bf? If not please do that . He must try to put his child in order b4 you commit yourself to marry him. You cant love a person minus you loving his child so try to get help from Bf.

Lakota - posted on 03/25/2013

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It doesn't sound horrible. It sound realistic. You have to protect your kids and their happines too. Does your boyfriend have main custody of his son? Tough situation.

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