Truthful with your best friend

Tanya - posted on 06/19/2010 ( 18 moms have responded )

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I have had the same best friend for 13 years.
She met her boyfriend and moved in with him after only 3 months of dating. They dated for 3 years and she was dying to be engaged. That year for her birthday he gave her the ring. Her parent, my boyfriend, and I were all out to dinner together when it happened.

When he got down on one knee I could tell by that look on his face he wasn't happy. We went out for drinks after dinner (just the 4 of us) and while she was going on about wedding plans he was watching the ball game. I mean glued to the tv and trying to change the subject.

As soon as my boyfriend and I got in the car I said no way are they getting married. He said that he thought her boyfriends behavior was odd. I did not tell her that I thought they weren't going to make it. Sure enough 3 months later he ended the relationship.

I feel bad that I did not tell her about my doubts, but at the same time I don't think she would have listened.

What would you do?

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Iris - posted on 06/19/2010

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If you saw it, she saw it. She just chose not to acknowledge it. I think if you had said something it would only have hurt her more. You did the right thing.

[deleted account]

Mind your own business.....I think you did the right thing! If she had asked your opinion, it would have been a different story but she didn't and you were just being a good friend!

I've been in a similar situation and I DID tell my friend what I knew and it ruined our friendship and she forgave him! Oh well, I guess we weren't really friends?!!

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LaCi - posted on 06/22/2010

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She wouldn't have listened, it would have only hurt her feelings and made you look like the bad guy- in her eyes. Best to just be supportive in that situation. It would be different if you thought she was somehow in danger, like.. you think the guys a serial killer or something. Not just because you don't think it will work or the guys disinterested though

Louise - posted on 06/22/2010

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Sometimes it is better to be the supportive friend and let her lead her own life. If you had told her your worries and things had worked out with the both of them that would of put an enormous strain on your relationship. Best friends are supposed to be there to pick up the peices and lend an ear not run there life for them.I think you did the right thing

Tanya - posted on 06/21/2010

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Thanks Meghan. I think I am going to have movie night with the girl I am talking about in the post. I don't think i will tell her about the post. Just as well not to bring him up

Meghan - posted on 06/21/2010

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It get's to be too much sometimes...overall we can only do so much. People at some point need to be held accountable and pick themselves up eventually! You sound like a great friend!

Tanya - posted on 06/21/2010

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Meghan I did have that friend too. I actually had two of them. They were with the scum of the earth. One was with a registered sex offender and the other was with a guy who called her son ( 5yr old) a stupid little bastard.

Really it got to the point that I just couldn't take it. I told the both how and felt and stopped talking to them.

Meghan - posted on 06/21/2010

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LOL where the hell where you 3 years ago Tanya???
I had been telling a very good friend of mine that her b/f was a douche canoe for YEARS...2 kids later and one too many sob stories from her I finally had to end the relationship. Even if you diplomatically and carefully explained your feelings, she probably wouldn't have listened to you. And from my personal expiernce there is nothing that ANYONE could have said to me...I needed to learn it on my own!

Lyndsay - posted on 06/21/2010

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Well, I am one of those friends who make sure to give my opinion on every possible matter whether I think they'll listen or not. Most of the time they don't. Maybe it was better that she got to live in bubble land for a few months without you nagging at her.

[deleted account]

honestly, I don't think she would have listened as she hadn't, by the sounds of it, even realized he did not want to propose. Like the others said, if she had asked for your opinion it would have been a different story but in this case it was better for you not to say anything. It could have ruined a friendship and would not have improved the situation between your friend and her partner anyway.

Some things are better left unsaid....

*Lisa* - posted on 06/20/2010

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I also had a similar experience to this. I was watching tv and Jon and Kate season 4 popped up. I saw the way they interacted and leaned over to my husband and said 'Gosh, those 2 are headed for divorce.' And sure enough! I should have written in to her and said 'Don't think Jon likes being talked to like that.' And then written to him and said 'You should be sweeter to your wife... a little eye contact might be a nice start'. But I think they may not have listened to me?
Hehe sorry. But I do think you did the right thing. You risk losing the friendship if you are brutally honest sometimes. And some things are easier to find out the hard way, if that makes sense.

Sarah - posted on 06/19/2010

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I had a really similar experience with my best friend.
She had literally just been proposed to and said yes, and she told me. I actually told her though that I didn't think he was right for her, and was she sure.
She assured me she knew what she was doing and was happy, so I said congratulations and that so long as she was happy then I was happy!!

There was never any bad feeling between us because of it. They did split up 2 years later and she said she remembered me saying it, but that although at the time she knew I was right, she needed to learn the hard way so to speak.

I guess it just depends what people are like, me and friend have always been brutally honest about everything, we don't always listen lol but we know we're there for each other anyway.

If what you did felt right to you at the time, then you did the right thing. Always trust your gut instinct!! :)

Tanya - posted on 06/19/2010

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Good point Iris.
I think that like the rest of the ladies if she would have asked I would have been very honest. We had some talks in the past about where we thought they were going and I was honest

C. - posted on 06/19/2010

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I would have done the same thing you did. She wouldn't have listened, and as heartbreaking as it can be to watch, sometimes you just have to let some people make their own mistakes b/c that's the only way they'll learn. What matters is that you were there for her during the engagement and when it fell apart.

Sharon - posted on 06/19/2010

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You were right. She would not have listened. I wouldn't have said a word. Not to her anyway.

When I see a situation like that I say nothing. When they express doubts I do NOT put a positive spin on it, I would be lying and betraying my true feelings.

Rosie - posted on 06/19/2010

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i think if she would've been bothered by things herself and asked about it, THEN i would've said something truthful. but until then, unless i knew for absolute positive that this guy was having doubts then i would've kept my mouth shut.

[deleted account]

One of my friends told one of our other friends her honest opinion in a similar situation. They are no longer friends.

I think it worked out well in this situation. It's hard to say what would have happened if you would have told her the truth. But at least she still has you as her friend to help her through this tough situation.

Rachelle - posted on 06/19/2010

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I agree she wouldnt have listened. Plus you were a good friend, you supported what made her happy at that time. As a friend it would be your place to give your opinion if she seemed concerned but she didnt so it might not have been your place to say something that quite honestly you didnt KNOW was the case. it would have happened when it happened whether you said anything or not. Dont feel bad I would have done the same thing. just my opinion

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