Vasectomy

La - posted on 04/16/2010 ( 36 moms have responded )

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Hey everyone,

This isn't really a debate question so I apologize for throwing personal business up here but I'm interested in hearing outside opinions. My partner and I are leaning towards him getting a vasectomy, but I'm having mixed feelings about it. I'm 29 weeks pregnant with our second child. I have 2 additional stepchildren (from his first marriage). That's four children total for us. So it seems like a no brainer to both of us that we could be done having kids. We are able to support and care for four and I don't know if I'd even want any more than that. However, I'm feeling very mixed about the vasectomy...it makes me sad for some reason. I almost feel like I am grieving a loss when I think about the permanence of it. On the otherhand, I know that SOMETHING must be done unless we want to keep having more kids (which I sometimes go back and forth about also). Hormonal forms of contraception are not an option for us and we prefer not to use barrier methods. My main question: is it normal to feel so ambivalent about him getting snipped or am I just trying to have my cake and eat it too by trying to keep our options open? This is kind of time sensitive since we need to have this figured out by August.

Thanks Ladies

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Mary - posted on 04/17/2010

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Laura, your ambivalence is completely normal...I think everyone feels that way before either a vasectomy or a tubal ligation. Even if you KNEW, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you would not want another child, it is still a bit of a sad thing to accept that there will never be another baby - that this time of your life is coming to an end.



This is something only you and your partner can decide on together. The only reason I would hesitate on doing something that could be irreversible is that (I think) you are still fairly young. As Jodi pointed out, it's a little easier for couples in their late thirties or forties...our fertility is declining at that point anyway, and while stranger things have happened (thus making BC necessary), we are of more of a mindset to accept that our baby days are over.



Because you are a little ambivalent, and you have yet to see what life with 4 kids will be like, I would urge to talk at length with your OB about all of your non-permanent options, and see if there isn't something else that would be a workable option for you. The real reason I urge this? - In L&D, I have seen more than a few couples who made a choice to have either a vasectomy or tubal while still fairly young. Life situations changed, and 5-10 years later, another child is desperately wanted, but reversals are not always successful, and they end up needing extensive fertility assistance to get pregnant, and regretting choosing such a permanent methof of birth control while so young.

Rosie - posted on 04/16/2010

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hi laura, my hubby got snipped, and i was a little bit afraid of the permanancy. i have 3 boys. i want a girl sooooooooooooo bad, but i am not willing to put up with another pregnancy (i hate it) and i just know that we are done. financially, emotionally, everything, i just know that i do not want anymore kids. do you know?

i felt conflicted because i want a girl, and there's always that thing inside of me that says i would want another child (boy girl doesn't matter). i see a baby, i miss that. i don't feel that would ever change. but i do know that no matter how great my feelings for the daughter i never had, i know that we simply cannot go through it again. just know it's normal to feel stressed by the permanence, but if your feelings of doubt superceed your feelings that you want it done, than wait.

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La - posted on 05/31/2010

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It seems as if circumstances have determined the final outcome of the snip or no snip debate...he got laid off so we don't have the insurance to cover it now. IUD here I come.

Celia - posted on 05/22/2010

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We are thinking of going the same route and it does make me a bit sad even though I am sure I want to stop at 1. I told him to hold off for a year just to be 100% after all it is permenant unless you have the cash to reverst it and we wouldent!

Dana - posted on 05/22/2010

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Sounds like you should just hold off for now. See how you feel a few months after the baby is born. There's no point in rushing it, especially if you're pregnant right now.

La - posted on 05/22/2010

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LOL we keep thinking about winning the lottery and getting a house with a crazy amount of bedrooms for each of the kids, but we haven't even won more than one out of 6 numbers :( Yeah the coil idea doesn't sit well with me either. Neither does taking hormones of any kind...

[deleted account]

Im in a similar position im pregnant with baby number 4 at the moment and think the most sensible thing to do now is for hubby to get a vasectomy. Basically we cant fit anymore kids in the house after this one and hubby is about to turn fifty too. But i just cant deal with the permanancy of it, i think well what if in 6 years my oldest moves out and i'll have a spare bed then i can have another. Of course common sense tells me by then i'll be 38 and hubby will be 56 so probably not a good idea. Theres also the dream that we will win the lottery so we can buy a bigger house lol. Im lucky i can go on the pill it doesnt affect me too much but i dont want to be popping pills for the next 20 years and coils dont agree with me so they are out.

Jocelyn - posted on 05/21/2010

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Yeah it doesn't sound like you guys are totally convinced you are done having kids :) Just go on some birth control and come back to face this decision next year!

Lady - posted on 05/21/2010

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It relly doesn't sound as if either of you are ready to make the decision to make this perminant yet - i really think it would be worth researching some other methods at this time until you are both sure.

La - posted on 05/21/2010

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Ok sorry to rehash this thread, but here is the latest:

I had pretty much had closure on the idea of vasectomy and being ok with the number of children we have. Then the DAY OF the consultation with the urologist, Dan decides he doesn't know if he wants to get it done and reschedules the consultation for a month later. Then last night he blurts out, "want to have another kid?" meanwhile I haven't even given birth to this one yet. So now I'M confused again because I was all set to do this. I'm thinking we should wait until after this baby is born then see if we feel strongly either for or against the procedure? Is this is a sign that we just aren't ready to make the decision?

Jodi - posted on 04/19/2010

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Laura, if you would prefer the IUD for now, just let hubby know that you'd prefer to defer a long term decision until the pregnancy hormones settle down a little because right now, you are having difficulty with the decision. Do the research on the IUD and show him the stats, etc, to reassure him that it is safe, and that this is a temporary solution until you feel you are ready to make a more permanent decision.

La - posted on 04/19/2010

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Yeah I think I'd feel more comfortable with a non hormonal IUD than the vasectomy...not sure if the hubby will go for it though.

Caitlin - posted on 04/19/2010

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Im getting an IUD for now until we make a more permanent decision.. I like that it can be removed if I don't react well or I want to have a third, but it's not something I have to remember everyday or will make me go a little hormonal like other birth control, and there will be no worry about accidental pregnancy, and no nasty condoms!

La - posted on 04/19/2010

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Thanks for all the posts ladies. I'm going to have to do some soul searching about whether I'm really ready for this.

Lady - posted on 04/18/2010

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I'm trying to get steralised at the moment and had a meeting with a gyny she was reluctant to do it because of my age -33- and told me about the Mirena coil. I'm not able to go on any type of hormonal treatment as it causes SEVERE depression in me but she reasured me that the coil has such a small dose of hormon in it - micogrammes compared to milligrames and there has been no cases of women suffering with the Mirena. Plus the hormon only get released into the linning of your womb rather into your blood stream. It's worth checking it out on the net or talking to your gyny about. It last for 5 years and might just give you the time you need to decide one way or another what you want to do for definate. I'm posative that I don't want any more children so deffinatley want my tubes tied but if I wanted another option this is the one I would be going for. Good luck!

Jocelyn - posted on 04/17/2010

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You don't know how your body will react until you try it. For every 100 bad stories I've heard about the Mirena, I only hear 1 good story. It turned out wonderful for me. Good thing about an IUD is you can have it removed if your body hates it :P I've heard a few good stories about the Copper T; I think there is one woman in DM that's had one, hopefully she'll find this post! I think her's was a good outcome.

La - posted on 04/17/2010

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I have thought about getting the copper IUD because it is non hormonal, but I have heard a lot of women complain of extreme cramping and bleeding during menstruation and some even say it is painful during sex.

Jocelyn - posted on 04/16/2010

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My hubby is going to get snipped, and I feel a little sad about it. I don't want any more kids, but I don't like knowing that there will never be the possibility for anymore kids ever. Make sense? You could try an IUD if you aren't sure. The Copper T is hormone free and lasts for 10 years. I am on the mirena until the fateful snip lol.

ME - posted on 04/16/2010

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Wow...I just had this convo with my hubby. I convinced him to wait five years on the vasectomy, and I got an IUD instead. We have two kids of our own, and he has one from before. We can't afford any more right now, and I am 33 already, and pretty sure that I'm done having kids. The permanence of the old snippy-snip made me wince tho. I wasn't ready for it and I couldn't handle it. I've been having a hard time putting the feeling into words, but what you said makes sense. I felt profoundly sad just thinking about the end of pregnancy and babies...

Jodi - posted on 04/16/2010

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Laura, if I could add that I still have occasional pangs about wanting another baby, but I think that is just human nature. I find it totally normal to be sad that by baby days are over. They are only momentary feelings, and instead I focus on the children I have and enjoying them at the age they are now (although that can be a tough one some days when they are entering their teens, LOL). Also, it has IMPROVED our sex life. For us, sex is no longer equated to getting pregnant so we don't have to be careful. We can be more spontaneous, we don't worry about getting pregnant, much more relaxed about it. And no more hormones, stopping to use a condom, being careful about the time of month, etc. It has been 4 1/2 years now, and honestly, we don't regret the decision.

Veronica - posted on 04/16/2010

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Sorry - i knew i shouldnt have treaded on this post -- I thought it would be some different insight - but not all things are for everyone.



I will answer your question with this: i think you are being perfectly normal with debating about making you and your husbands fertility permanent. I think this just like a lot of decisions in our life, takes a lot of talk, thinking and debating before that final decision can be made.



Good luck with what you decide - Congratulations on your soon to be arrival (a few short months away) - and I wish you well with your decision and family :)

Take care,

V

Jodi - posted on 04/16/2010

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Laura, we were in the same situation as you (kind of), although we were a little older, so that made the decision a bit easier. My husband already had 2 children (a son and a daughter) from a previous relationship, and I had a son from a previous marriage. We started discussing options while I was pregnant with our daughter (she is our only child together, but would make number 4). I was 35, hubby was 39, so as I said, that did make the decision easier, but we weren't quite ready. Hubby was happy to have a vasectomy, but I was all over the place.



We decided to wait until after our daughter was born before we made the decision. Pregnancy hormones were rife, so I really don't think it was a good time to make a decision about having more babies. I mean, I wasn't hormonally in a place where I could make a rational decision without my raging pregnancy hormones interfering, LOL.



We used condoms until it was done. Hubby had the vasectomy when our daughter was around 6 months. By then, we were comfortable with our decision. I know, condoms are not ideal, but I couldn't use anything hormonally based either (the pill used to cause me to go a bit psychotic), and I only wanted something as a temporary solution until we made a decision.



So basically, my advice is to wait until you are REALLY ready to make the decision. In our case, it wasn't such a big deal - I mean, my poor old eggs were probably almost fried anyway, and we also had the thought that we kind of want the kids through college BEFORE we retire, so our age was a factor in our decision too.

Carolee - posted on 04/16/2010

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Well, my dad had a vasectomy after I was born. He actually got it undone when he got remarried, and now I have an 8 month old brother! It sounds like you two are pretty sure that you're done having kids, so it sounds like a good idea. If, a few years down the road, you two have a long, thought out discussion and decide to try for another, it can usually be undone. I really think it sounds like a good option for you guys, though.

Charlie - posted on 04/16/2010

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I am of no help here sorry , although i know this is the last child i want to have , ive discussed this with Jamie and he feels the same im not sure if we would go the whole way with a vas .

Hey we are also due the same day !!!!!July 2nd !

La - posted on 04/16/2010

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Ok so I read some of the testimonials. I can't say that it made me feel any different or that it really applied to me at all. I didn't hear any thoughts or feeling as to why these people regretted their decision other than feeling it was God's will to procreate. Also, the couples that said their relationships suffered after the vasectomy seemed to emphasize a feeling of being lost from God which does not apply to our relationship. Almost like they felt guilty because of their religion and not because they actually wanted more children. Maybe I just don't get the point though because it sounded very preachy to me.

La - posted on 04/16/2010

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I see what you are saying. However, we both don't want to end up in a position where we have to work so many hours to provide for our family that it compromises the time we spend with them.

Veronica - posted on 04/16/2010

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Ok - I didn't make myself clear in one part -- I didnt mean to have tons of kids and live off of everyone else and hand outs/hand me downs etc. Sorry bout that confusion. Sometimes those things are nice to have when you have hard times.
However, dont' get that confused with being provided for. My husband and I work very hard for our family. My husband works a 6 to 7 day work week (from 50 to 60 hours) - and I not only am a fulltime stay at home mother - but I also have my own business as well.
Im just making the point that regardless - you and your children will be provided for one way or another - when times are tough, or not. Thats all.

-V

La - posted on 04/16/2010

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Veronica-I agree that I need to make a choice about more children. Thing is, I was waffling back and forth about having more kids when I got pregnant this time, but now that I'm going to have her I can't imagine life any other way. So even if I were to sit and here and say "well I most likely don't want another" if I got pregnant again I know I'd be happy.

I'm not a religious person, but I do feel that things have a way of working themselves out (call it god or call it karma/energy/spiritually) so I can see what you mean about things coming together financially, etc if it is in the cards I am dealt. Only problem is where do I draw the line with that? Do I just keep leaving it to fate as to how many children I should have and where the provisions for my children will come from? I don't want to end up with 20 kids and hoping for hand outs. To a certain extent it is fine to let nature run its course, btu I have to take responsibility for what human biology does that is inevitable. So yes, things can work themselves out if I don't intervene but I don't want to take the chance of having to depend on others for the well being of my family- you know what I'm saying?

I will read through the link you provided and think on it some though. I'm about to take my daughter for a walk so I'll have more time to really sift through it later. Thanks.

Veronica - posted on 04/16/2010

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www.onemoresoul.com

Don't take it as a religious thing that im sending you this link for -- just read some of the testimonies about vasectomy - maybe they bear some of the same reasons why you are feeling the way you are at this time.

You really need to make a more final decision about children - before making the final decision about vasectomy.

Personally - we just had baby number 6 - and i just had him two weeks ago to be exact! And I want another one - a girl this time - but another boy would be just as good ;) My husband and I are the type that go with the flow. If another baby is in our future/destiny, etc. - then it will be there, if not, then it won't. We do practice natural family planning - and it has been incredible. It helps us to not be pregnant when we dont want to be, and we've gotten pg. every time when we wanted (for us - not saying this is for everyone). We continue to be open to children, because its about how much we love and care for each other, and our children are fruits and gifts of our love for each other. We dont worry about finances and other such things - because we feel in our hearts that those things will be provided for - they have been provided to us from our first child, and we are still provided for with six children. If you were really wealthy and decided to have ten children - then one day you go completely flat broke (because of who knows what - this is hypothetical) should you off your ten children because you cannot financially provide for them - or do you pray and trust in the Lord (or whatever higher power you believe in) that your family will be taken care of/provided for - and luck swings back your way, you get a job to get by, people send you food to feed your family - etc etc etc ---- does any of this make any sense??

I guess what it comes down to - like i said -- is to make that decision first based on whether you are truly done having children. If you really want more, it will work out financially, etc. for that baby to be provided for. If you truly are done having kids - then make that final decision.

I hope ive helped...
V

La - posted on 04/16/2010

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We have been considering the idea since the begining of this pregnancy and I worry that if I keep putting off the decision that I will never really choose. Like I said, I don't even know that I want another child necessarily, but I just can't help but feel that I might regret it or feel a sense of loss by going through with this. We scheduled a consultation so maybe I should talk to the doctor and see if that gives me any reassurance?

Esther - posted on 04/16/2010

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I think you should give yourself more time and not rush into something potentially irreversible because it seems "logical". Some decisions should be made strictly logically, but some have to be right emotionally too. If you're not there yet, I think you should wait.

La - posted on 04/16/2010

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I'm due on July 2nd and we'd like to have it completed by August (when we would be allowed to resume sex after childbirth) since it takes 6-8wks after vasectomy for the sperm count to fully reduce. I do feel that it is the BEST thing for us to do, but I'm not sure if it's what I WANT. What we want and what is best are not always the same you know? Logically I know we should go through with it...emotionally I'm not sure.

Esther - posted on 04/16/2010

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I think if you're not absolutely sure you shouldn't do it. Why is August the deadline? My husband and I have one child and we are absolutely positively convinced that we don't want any more children. And yet, I'm still not willing to take that final drastic step and get my tubes tied or my husband snipped, so I totally understand that you're feeling ambivalent about it. I don't think you should consider a vasectomy unless and until you have no more reservations about doing it and use barrier methods until that time comes.

La - posted on 04/16/2010

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Kati I totally understand what you are saying. I had really wanted a boy (my two are girls). I feel like I should hold out and try for a boy as our third, but then again if I have another girl am I going to want to have a fourth just to give it one last try...where will it end LOL. I also dislike being pregnant (I don't like feeling so moody and limited in running around my current kids), but worry that I will always regret not being able to have another child. As far as Dad goes, he has expressed that if money and time weren't a factor then he would want to have another child or two.

Dana - posted on 04/16/2010

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Well, it sounds as if he's made his decision and is done with having kids. It sounds like you're not there quite yet. Maybe you need to talk more amongst yourselves and help him to understand that he needs to help you, in coming to terms with it.



I really don't have any experience with this one. I'm interested to hear others input.

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