What do I do ??

Emily - posted on 02/18/2014 ( 2 moms have responded )

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I think I made a mistake I have always said I wasn't going to tell my little girl about her biological father because when I met him he was totally different then when I had her he was a compulsive liar, robbed ppl, stole and sold drugs, took drugs , beat his mom , tried to kill hisself a lot or threatened to , has been in jail and in the crazy house a bunch, also tried to run my off the rd knowing my little girl was in the car. Well I decided to tell her about him bc she has had the same father figure in her life since he was born and I just felt like I should tell her about her biological dad she's on 4 now she said she wants to met him.... What do I do ?

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Chet - posted on 03/01/2014

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Do you know what kind of condition he's in right now? Would it even be possible for her to meet him?

I think it's fair to tell a four year old that right now is not a good time for her to meet her father. It will have to be later. As she gets older, you can explain more about the mistakes that he has made and the issues that he has, and hopefully she won't want to meet him or will be very wary when she does. You could maybe explain that he does scary things sometimes and it wouldn't be safe to meet now if you feel that "later" isn't enough of an answer.

I know it seems like you really complicated things by telling your daughter, but honestly, it's usually best to introduce difficult subjects in an age appropriate way sooner rather than later. The questions a four year old asks are easier to answer than the questions a six or twelve year old asks, and it's easier to chip away at big issues a little bit at a time as your child grows rather than to have it all come rushing out at once when they're older. It can be really crushing to a child to have a family secret come out suddenly when they're a teenager, or at some completely inopportune time when she finds out in the worst possible way.

Also, I think that your daughter will be safer if she knows about her father and eventually becomes aware of his history. If he ever comes looking for her she should be informed.

Remember to focus on how much she is loved by the people in her life. Reassure her about everyone she does have who is there for her. Also, be prepared to have her ask the same questions multiple times and for you to have to reiterate the same answers over and over again. Kids do that. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with the answers you're giving her.

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