What is important about a biological father/mother?

Payola - posted on 04/12/2012 ( 29 moms have responded )

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So I'm not here to argue. I know everybody has been irritated with my posts. So I will just ask what is so important about a biological father vs a father in general? (And to be fair I will include mother as well :)



What I mean is what does it matter who raises you as mother and father as long as they are acting like one? What's the need for a bio?



To use my daughter as an example, how will she benefit from the biological father in her life? If I convinced him to move on with his life, how will it affect her if she doesn't even know about him?

(I'm not asking how will it affect my or his or anybody else's relationship with her, HOW WILL IT AFFECT HER? And I'm not asking what is fair or what should I do.



The way I see it is that if she doesn't know and is happy, then when she learns the truth at an older age, she will look back and think, "well I'm happy and I was raised in a stable home and the bio father is just some strange guy and maybe out of morbid curiosity I will meet him one day if he is stil alive." It will be a shock, but why does it matter so much that people think she's going to go jump off a bridge or turn into a heroin addict?



What good can the bio father bring that my husband can't?

(btw, I know I sound cold, but it weighs heavy on my heart that he is upset about this and I can only imagine what it's like for him, that's why I offered him a visit)



I'm really just curious. I promise I won't even post again on this thread. I ask that you all leave it open and just let people post as long as I don't respond.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Lucy - posted on 04/14/2012

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So, just in as neutral a way as possible, trying to answer Payola's question without getting wound up... what does the bio Dad bring to the table that your husband cannot?-
1. Medical history, possible future medical assistance (organ donation etc).
2. An enriching relationship with his entire side of the family, including siblings, as your ex may go on to have more children. She has every right to this, and who doesn't want as many people as possible to love our kids, right?
3. A sense of identity, belonging and roots. Being able to see where some of her physical and personality traits come from and enjoy sharing those commonalities with her Dad.
4. An ability to form and maintain healthy relationships. Children who have been lied to about significant life issues by people they trust the most can form serious attachment problems later in life.
5. A positive male role model. Not saying that your husband cannot provide this, but some of your comments suggests he struggles with it, and girls can't have too many positive male influences to help her self esteem develop. The more the better.
6. A greater respect and love for you, her Mum, as she becomes aware that letting her Dad into the picture was difficult for you but you did it any way. Because it was best for her.
7. As an individual, I am sure your ex has helpful skills and personality traits you and your husband don't that could have a positive impact on her as she grows. I'm sure you and your husband have your own, but wouldn't you want to expose your child to as many positive influences as possible?

To me, your question is just the same as asking what you can provide that a step mum couldn't. If you look at it that way, I'm sure the answers seem obvious.

Janice - posted on 04/13/2012

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So if the biological father takes your daughter away (because you committed fraud) and gets married to wonderful woman who treats your little girl like her own, then you shouldn't even bother trying to get visitation because really you have absolutely no place in her life if you don't have custody of her.

Sally - posted on 04/12/2012

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I will try to be nice and answer your question.

1: your daughter will gain from having two dads that love and care for even if one can only see them once a month.

2: she will grow up knowing that even if mummy and daddy didn't love each ither, they both loved her enough to make the effort.

3:she will get to know her grandparents uncles etc.

4: shes not going to wonder later on why daddy didn't want her.

5.she won't resent you when she finds out that you pushed her dad away.

Your daughter has a lot to gain from seeing her dad. If you and your husband love each other, you should be secure enough to deal with this. Please do wants right for the little girl not your husband.



Edit: spelling

[deleted account]

Put the shoe on the other foot. Why should your daughter's biological father let you have a relationship with your daughter? After all, I'm sure he can provide her with at least a stable (I'm being generous there --- by all indications he's MUCH more stable) life. Why should you be involved in her life? What benefit do you bring to the situation, considering your current husband obviously has some issues with your daughter and you that your daughter will unquestionably affect her.

Mrs. - posted on 04/15/2012

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There's also this...

And this only applies if this is an actual situation...which I don't think it is, because I think you are a dude or someone stirring things up for fun.

You mentioned her bio dad is in the military. What if, God forbid, he dies before getting an ample chance to see his daughter? Do you know the kind of blame and sense of betrayal your daughter will have if she finds out her bio father wanted to see her as a child and you didn't do it because her step-dad didn't like it/you couldn't get over yourself? Seriously, that would be some f'ed up shit.

Again, I'm sure someone has already covered that ground with you. I still don't get what the point of the repeated posts are, I think you have a good cross section of opinions for you to amuse yourself with.

29 Comments

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Mary - posted on 03/28/2014

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Wow... Allow me to apologize on behalf of the MOD and the community for being overly bureaucratic and insensitive. Payola the decision you and your husband make will be in the best interest of your child. There are many instances of very bad fathers that should be kept out of the child's life. It sounds like you have a wonderful husband who wants to be dad but this I've noticed it is psychologically difficult for men to accept them as their own if the sperm donor is in and out. Your only chance for a traditional family with minimal tension is to follow your heart and not listen to these strangers/antagonists.

Bless you

~♥Little Miss - posted on 04/16/2012

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*****MOD WARNING*****

Payola, we left this thread open simply cause you said you would not comment on it, you broke that promise. What is this the 3rd or 4th of the same thread you have opened? This is being closed down and any further like this will be done promptly. I urge you to join the debating community in a different capacity. You have gotten your answer, hundreds of times over. Move on.

DM MoD ~Little Miss~

[deleted account]

I don't know where all of you live, but where I live my husband is required to be put on the birth certificate unless we all agree that the biological father is put on it. My husband and I decided my husband should be on it.
--
Was still the immoral thing to do.

I'm just frustrated with him and the situation.

You're frustrated that he wants to be a part of his own child's life. Just think about that for a moment. How dreadful, how horrid of him to want to be part of the life of a child HE created. What a monster. What an evil man! To not want to be marginalized and excluded from the life of his own daughter.

Really, how dare you?

He needs full visitation that's not on the terms of your husband.

Isobel - posted on 04/16/2012

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That's pretty much exactly what we all said, so long as the visits don't happen in your husband's home until everybody is comfortable with that.

Payola - posted on 04/16/2012

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I don't know where all of you live, but where I live my husband is required to be put on the birth certificate unless we all agree that the biological father is put on it. My husband and I decided my husband should be on it.

I have read your posts, and I appreciate the response, and I understand the benefit a child could potentially gain from having the biological father involved, even if not often. I'm just frustrated with him and the situation.



How about treating it like an open adoption and seeing how it goes? He and anybody in his family can visit her and I will tell her who he is, and he won't be legally responsible for child support (which is ok with us) and he will be more financially capable of providing for her in more meaningful ways? How do you think he will feel if I suggest that to him?

[deleted account]

I have to agree with Laura. No one here agrees that you did even the remotely right or legal or moral thing. Do you really think rephrasing your question will change our minds? Who are you trying to convivce? Us or you?

Stifler's - posted on 04/15/2012

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I'm not going to respond to your other threads and general attitude but the fact is that people want to know who their bio parents are. People who are adopted seek their bio parents, not all but some. If your bio parents want to know you then they have that right, you are a part of them and they of you. Bio parents bring family history also.

Isobel - posted on 04/15/2012

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Throughout your multiple threads, you have been given literally HUNDREDS of answers to this exact question. If you have to ask it one more time, you're still not going to understand it.



I believe whoever said that you were trying to save your marriage was right, and I'm sorry that you are in this situation BUT I think you'll find that it gets easier as time goes by...and I hope you make the right decision and allow your daughter to know all the people who love her.

Jennifer - posted on 04/15/2012

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Im just curious, what if the bio father has a condition that runs in the family and she gets it... you take her to the doctor and use his medical records instead of the bio fathers and she dies or is permantly injured by it. how will you feel if that were to happen. i read through ur entire other post... and its just sad. there are mothers out there that wish they could have a husband (which should have no say in this since it is not his child) and the father that would love this lil girl. not all fathers can be their all the time.... some with good reasons and some with no reason at all. Right now im 9 months pregant and do not hear from the father. i leave it available to him to contact me about his about to be born daughter and post the ultrasound pics (that ever father does have a right do) but do not hear from him and read about him 'providing' for children that are not his and not even the women that he is with. i may not like him, but i wish i was able to have a loving husband (who im surprised u still have since u legally cheated on him for a year by how it seems) and a father to her that would show her love, even if it were for a hour a month its still contact to show love and caring. you had his child, you could have aborted it or given up for adoption, but you chose to have her (which i am actually proud of u for) but then illegally allowed your husband to sign as the father. is it so bad that he wants to see her? is he abusive or taking drugs? what shed some light to me cuz im HIGHLY confused on how you can be so cruel in my opinion to her and her FATHER....

[deleted account]

I guess if I were your daughter, I'd want to know why I was lied to my entire life and why a perfectly good man was withheld from me and why my mother was so cold-hearted to someone who 's only crime was to create me. This would be particularly devastating. What was so wrong with that half of me that Mom had to hide it so vigorously from me? Is part of me not good enough to love? If Mom can turn that hard-hearted on someone she loved once does that mean she may just turn her back on me too someday? What about any man I know? What about my poor brother? What if he gets a girl pregnant? Will she just walk away from our whole family and hide this child, my own niece?

Toni - posted on 04/13/2012

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One important thing about knowing biological parents is for any medical history they have.

I do not know my biological father, so I do not know if anything runs in the family from his side. On my mothers side I have to watch out for type 1 and 2 diabetes, cancer and several psycological disorders.

It would be nice to know my biological fathers medical history at least.

Sally - posted on 04/13/2012

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@payola, i for one would like to know if these comments have made any impact. if they haven't fair enough we all got our own life to live. I do wish you well in what must be a horrible postion.

Sally - posted on 04/13/2012

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As we would say in the Uk . You would make a pukka mukka, good friend , to have. Keep notes ,as they get older you might find the time.

Alahnna - posted on 04/13/2012

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lol, thank you Sally, but between being a single mom of 2, one being a more severe special needs child, running a daycare and just trying to keep myself sane, I'd never have the time! If anything I say helps just ONE person, then I am fine with that. Life is a learning experience for us all.

Sally - posted on 04/13/2012

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Alahnna , have you every thought of writing a book or doing a blog. You express everything so clearly and beautifully.

Alahnna - posted on 04/13/2012

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It is an important part of children to know where they come from. Maybe not so much when they are little, but when they get older. Everyone has made very valid points here, but one that wasn't touched on much was the trust aspect.



You posted a link a few days ago about a judge. The only reason that judge prevented the truth from coming out THEN was because it would cause drastic damage to that child by finding out THEN. If the child had been told right away, it would not have been an issue at all. The mother is terrified at what the truth will do to her son, but it's because she started the whole mess with a lie.



You look at it as protecting your daughter from unnecessary confusion. She is going to be 50 times mroe confused when she's a teen/adult and finds out the TRUTH that the father she thought was her bio dad all those years really isn't. She's going to be hurt/angry/confused that you and your husband knowlingly hid the truth from her, and it'll be worse when she finds out that her real father DID want to be in her life and loves her. She will lose trust in you because she will know you lied about something so important in her life once, you could be hiding other things and lying about others to "protect" her.



I am an Early Childhood Educator and I run my own childcare center. Children are alot stronger and smarter than we give them credit for. They can understand things we never even imagined they could, when it is explained properly. My own daughter knows she can come to me and ask me anything and I will always listen with an open mind and help her with any problem as best I can. She knows I always tell her the truth or I will discuss something in further depth with her when she's old enough to understand more. I am hoping due to this, she will not hesitate to come to me with questions/problems in the future, like she doesn't now.



I can pretty much guarentee you that if you prevent her real father in her life, she won't just be thankful she had you and her husband, she will have many what ifs in her mind about how things might have been had her dad been in her life earlier. I have seen so many times children turn on the parent who "wanted to protect them" because they lost trust. Yes, she will still have fond memories of her childhood with you and your husband, but they will become tarnished with the ideas of what could have been with her father. And if you do let him in her life now, he may not turn out to be exactly the dad you wanted for her, but he will be there, present in her life and they will figure out their relationship together, as she grows and as he learns how to be a parent. She will still have you and your husband in your life and as she grows, she will be thankful for all the people in her life and when she's much older, she will see the sacrifices you made so she could have a happy life.



Parenting is the hardest job in the world, but the most rewarding. The thing is, we have to remember that the rewards are not always immediate. The end goal is to have raised a child to adulthood who is well adjusted and a productive member in society. That won't be known until they grow up and can take care of themselves and make their own decisions. We just have to hope as parents that our best was good enough to get them there :)

Sally - posted on 04/13/2012

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I do believe that this woman is caught between doing whats right for her daughter and how to save her masrriage, for us on the outside its a no brainer but living with someone full of anger about it and a little girl that reminds him cannot be an easy place to be. So maybe we should give her a break tell it as we see and hope she makes the right choice. I think she wants dad there for little girl bit undetstandable hubby is having problems, she may end up having to choose. Im starting to feel sorry for her but at the end of day daughter has to come first

Jodi - posted on 04/13/2012

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Here we go again:

Because you lied to her. That's how it will affect her. And not a Santa, Easter Bunny kind of lie. A big FAT lie. From a person she thought she could trust. And yes, that DOES affect people at a very fundamental level.

[deleted account]

you seriously opened another thread about this? i figured the posts everyone made in all the other threads were enough to validate why a biological father should have every right to have a relationship with his biological daughter.

Lady Heather - posted on 04/12/2012

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This is utterly ridiculous. And yeah, actually these sorts of issues do sometimes contribute to drug use in teens. No, you can't say for sure that your kid will go nuts because of it. But when kids end up with problems there is usually a reason and messed up parental relations are sometimes one of them. Why on earth would you want to risk that if it can be avoided? I don't get it. Just suck it up. Did you know your dad? I'm just wondering because I would be insanely pissed off if I found out my dad wanted to know me and my mum prevented it.

Jodi - posted on 04/12/2012

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Well, you mean besides the obvious common genetic traits (which some would include personality, but also medical and physical) they would share? What if one day, say she's 10, she needs bone marrow transplant, or a kidney transplant or something? Wouldn't you want to ask him? And wouldn't that raise some questions...and in a really scary time in her life to begin with? And what if, because you convince him to move on with his life, you can't locate him to test him to see if he's a match? (Or any other children he may have.)



The way I see it, she may find out about her biological father and think to herself: "What could my life have been like?" "Would I be happier still if he had been in my life?" "Why didn't he love me enough to stay in my life, what's wrong with me?" See, the thing is, if you let him be involved in her life, she can always cut it off and decide to never see or speak to him again when she's old enough. But, if you never let them develop a relationship, they never would have had the chance, and she very likely will resent you for this and wonder how it could have been, and wonder why you felt you had the right to deprive her of a probably wonderful and loving relationship with someone who shares half of her DNA.



Her biological father can provide her with understanding (due to common personality traits) that your husband never will, he can provide with her another loving adult to whom she can turn in a time of need, on whom she acn count. He provide her with the sense that she is worthy of love by ALL of her parents, that she is lovable, that she is not forgettable, that she has value.



In short, I think you just need to let him and her have their relationship, because it is what's best for all of you, maybe not convenient, but it's what best. Period.

Amy - posted on 04/12/2012

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Well for starters you could create abandonment issues for her. She could end up believing she's not good enough because how could a father just walk away. That could lead her on a path of trying to find a father like figure, or she could be so afraid of losing someone she ends up with the wrong man. I can almost guarantee it won't go the way you think that she'll be ho hum I was raised by people who loved me.

And what happens when she goes in search of her father to find out how he could just walk away and he has proof of how he tried to see her and you denied him. You don't think she's going to just let that go because she won't and you may find that your daughter cuts you out of her life forever because you denied her the ability to know her father and his family!

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