What's the deal with Bio mums against Step mums and vice versa?

Shaz - posted on 03/12/2012 ( 16 moms have responded )

233

0

18

Okay I have seen a lot of posts about step mums and bio mums so whats the deal?

As Mothers we love, care and support our children.

We want whats best for them and would do anything for them right?

Well isnt it the same for step mums?

Why do we as to women who love (SM-hopefully) and support this important child clash?

Are we as Bio mothers just a little bit egotistical, maybey a bit insecure about our places within our childrens hearts?

or is it that SOME (not all) step mums are insecure about the relationship of co parents between partner and bio mum and it causes tension?

Since when and why does this need to be a competition?

Why CANT bio mums and Step mothers work together?

Why cant they even be "friends" working towards a common goal (or enemy in our little minx's)? which is to love and care for this child now split between two homes?

Why is it wrong for a child to willingly and by their own choice call a step parent mum or dad?

Wouldnt we want this for our kids? that when they leave our watchful eye to be with dad that there is another pair of womans eyes? That will love and care for your child? Feed them clothe them? Why cant Co parenting exist between us as mothers to make for a smoother transition between homes? to keep rules the same?

so what are your thoughts on this?



this is just a few of my observations

please be nice.....

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Jenni - posted on 03/12/2012

5,928

34

393

First.... some people are just jerks. :)



Ideally, all the parental figures put their differences aside and work for the common goal of the best interest of the child(ren). Unfortunately, like Julie said; (paraphrasing) people are jealous, petty, selfish, resentful, irresponsible, controlling and immature at times.



I find it all very distasteful and selfish, it's only harmful to the children.



I don't always like/agree with the things my step daughter's (spelling out the full word for Emma, lol) mom does or says. But then again, I don't always like/agree with everything my husband does or says! So meh, we make it work for Kira. That is above all what her mom wants (to do what's best for Kira) and that's above all what we want. We share that common goal. And a little empathy goes a long way. I always make the effort to understand where her mom is coming from on things and try to see her side of things. I recognize she is Kira's mom. My husband is Kira's dad. And I play a supporting parenting role.

16 Comments

View replies by

Julie - posted on 03/13/2012

126

21

7

Hi Shaz,



I wish that those procedures you mentioned were put in place to safeguard children from parents with mental health issues and/or a history of violence. But I'm sad to say they often are not, unless the "proof" is of a certain nature and incontrovertible. For example, a girlfriend of mine has just left a DV situation from her ex who also has mental health issues. Unfortunately he didn't do "enough damage" on her or her daughter to be able to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that he needs help. And he doesn't want to admit what he did, or that he needs help. He thinks he's fine. The only thing keeping him in /somewhat/ in line at the moment is the fact that she's put him through the courts, an act in and of itself that I guess showed him that she's not taking his crap anymore and he cannot go as far as he once did. He still pushes the envelope though and he still says inappropriate things to/in front of his toddler daughter. My friend tries to safeguard her, she never trash talks her ex in front of her, but it doesn't go both ways unfortunately. She was told by law enforcement officers, lawyers and shrinks that it has to get worse before something can be done. She was also told that a child would not be denited access to a parent unless they were basically schizophrenic and not on their meds, or if sexual abuse HAD ALREADY HAPPENED. She was told even drug abusers can still have access to their children, unsupervised. The system is messed up, it cannot be relied upon necessarily to make parents behave themselves. And as you said, a new partner may believe the spin until he/she finds out for him/herself. But by then the damage will have been done, especially to the child. :(



Outside of these extreme examples though, I agree wholeheartedly that people should make the extra effort to swallow their pride, try to let go of the possessiveness and hurt for the good of the child(ren). But again, fighting against human nature is much more easily said than done.

[deleted account]

you know how we're always saying men have to compete with each other? yeah, women do it too. it's human nature. women are just a LOT more about psychological warfare than men. is why i don't have many female friends. they crazy.

Christina - posted on 03/12/2012

221

25

25

@ monny of a tod and teen. im sorry i thought you said she called your husband dad. i misread that when my youngest was walking in front of my computer. i apoligize

MeMe - Raises Her Hand (-_-) (Mommy Of A Toddler And Teen) - posted on 03/12/2012

3,377

8

66

Heather. I agree. If my children had a step family and they spanked. Unfortunately, if they could not respect my wishes there, then there would be some issues with them going there.

MeMe - Raises Her Hand (-_-) (Mommy Of A Toddler And Teen) - posted on 03/12/2012

3,377

8

66

My husband is NOT my daughter's Dad. She does not call him Dad. She calls him Dennis. Her bio is not in her life. Never ever has been, she still does not call my husband Dad



Christina... Please read again. You have it incorrect.

Lady Heather - posted on 03/12/2012

2,448

17

91

I do think everyone should always work together amicably for the best interests of the kids. Humans seem incapable of this much of the time. Contributing factors could be the source of the breakup or differences in parenting styles. Look at how heated the spanking v. not debates get around here sometimes. Imagine if it was two households, one kid and these differing views. Holy crap. I don't know what I would do if my kid had a step mum that spanked. That would be hard to work with.

Christina - posted on 03/12/2012

221

25

25

@ mommy of a toddler and teen. my post was not directed to you directly so im not sure why the comment. i read all the posts on here and posted off what i read from all of them not just directly to you. if the way things work for you works for you then great but how can you say she calls your hubby dad when he not the bio dad but you wouldnt allow her to call a step mom mom. thats not exactly fair. you dont know if that female would be there for her as much as she can like my sons. hell she does more for him then his father. so no i dont have a prob with it. i am sorry if you feel i was directing it to you but i was not.

MeMe - Raises Her Hand (-_-) (Mommy Of A Toddler And Teen) - posted on 03/12/2012

3,377

8

66

Christina Good for you! Glad you are OK with it. I am not. I got over myself years ago. However, I am the one that raised my 14 year old not anyone else. Regardless of who else may have been in the picture. My husband is NOT my daughter's Dad. She does not call him Dad. She calls him Dennis. Her bio is not in her life. Never ever has been, she still does not call my husband Dad.



Anyhow, I would not need to make a blow out issue about anything. I am their Mom, I earned that right. No one else.



No one said (at least I have not) that just because I do not feel it appropriate for MY kids to call another person Mom that I would talk smack about their step-mom (if they had one). I am far to mature and old for that type of behaviour. I know how to make friends. I would have no issue with there being a step-mom, I never once said I would. I would only have an issue with the title Mom being misplaced.



You are assuming a lot there. Maybe it is time for you to really read and comprehend what another person is saying before you get all irrate.



Oh and my daughter is severe ADHD. No one needs to help me understand that. ;) I do know how to deal with my daughter, I am not ADHD. I have researched and taken courses. We also see a specialist in ADHD, yearly. She does not ever need to go outside of my home to seek help or advice. It may work for you but it does not work for me.



What you are saying is what works for you. Don't ever think that means it works for the next. My entire first post was in regards to ME and my life, not anyone elses. Your post is insinuating that because something works for you it should for everyone. WRONG!



Now my son, yep he calls my husband Daddy because he IS his Daddy... He calls me Mommy because I AM his Mommy....;)

Christina - posted on 03/12/2012

221

25

25

im adding my two cents because not only am i the bio mom but the step mom as well. no my step kids dont call me mom because they have never met me. i have spoke to the other mom. there is not alot of issues there because they are in a different state so it makes it hard for me to have a relationship with them. i do how ever have pics of them all over my computer where i steal pics of hubs fb. they are a part of my life regardless. as far as having my own son that has a step mom who he calls mom as well. ladies get over yourself. you should be happy that your child has someone that loves them and they love as much as they love you. i have no issues with my ex and his g/f. my son calls my hub daddy as well. his dad had issues when all the mom and dad for the steps started til i told him to get over himself. if your child feels comfortable enough to call the step parent mom or dad, let them. that means they make them feel safe. end of story and that should be more important then anything to anyone of the bio parents or step parents. now im not gonna say we always see things eye to eye but we do try to get along for my sons sake. if you make a big blow out issue about it and your ex stays with the step parent whats gonna happen when they get older and they start paying attention to what your saying about the other parent. my son comes to me about most things, but there are sometimes with my son being adhd i dont know how to deal with for him. well his step mom is adhd also so we have come to grips in the last 3 years to work together to do what he needs not what her or myself want.

MeMe - Raises Her Hand (-_-) (Mommy Of A Toddler And Teen) - posted on 03/12/2012

3,377

8

66

Honestly, I cannot comment on how I would feel or associate with a step-mom for my children simply because they do not have one. The only thing I can comment on is my children are to call ME Mom, not the step-mom. End of story.



I raise my children, I am there every waken moment. I not only went through 25 and 36 hours of labour with them, I was the one to kiss every booboo, wake up all through the night, breastfeed them, feed them 3 square meals a day, play with them, etc, etc. Therefore it is my right and earned right to have that title. However, if the step-mom was a good one and truly cared for my children, than I would have no problem with her being a part of our family.



I have a step mom. I LOVE her. She did not raise me EVER (well for one year, that I lived with my Dad). My Mom never had an issue with her. I do not call her Mom, I call her my 2nd Mom (and Wanda).



I never had the best Mom to begin with, so it was great having a 2nd Mom that was a great person.

Shaz - posted on 03/12/2012

233

0

18

tracey, i guess id what to know what the deal is........ Its amazing how insecure we women are....... being a bio mum is a catch 22.... your stuck in a sense with having bio dad in your own life whether you like it or not and a step mum is stuck with us..... oddly enough i think some guys deep down enjoy the catfight..... but i think step mums should be a bit more tolerant or at least play nice... they must realise that this is what you take on when you date a man with a ready made family..... before i had my kids i had a few ex's who had a kid/ kids of their own..... i loved spending time with their kids but i was always aware of a line i guess that i couldnt cross....

Shaz - posted on 03/12/2012

233

0

18

julie.... you make many valid points.....

but where there are issues with abuse there are many things that can be done to ensure the saftey of children whilst in their fathers care. And a new step mother whilst most likely would have heard a lot of trash talk about a bio mum will eventually see the truth when her own relation ship turns abusive with BD.

Parents who have mental illness rarely have custody of their children even when they have a new mentally stable partner. Usually any visitation in these instances are supervised.

I understand that not all relationships end amicabilly for many reasons... Mine is half half in that instance if you can understand that... Its i guess what you can calll a truce. i guess what Im saying is when it comes to the step mum/ bio mum thing, why cant both sides try to set their differences aside... and TALK.

For example My miss will not wear mini skirts or short shorts of any kind until she is at least 16 and even then..... She will not have boys in her bedroom ever and she will go to bed at 7 on a school night until shes 8 or so and then she can go at 8 pm. and so on. And she will whilst living at home let me know where she is going after school etc.... Those are BIG rules... ones that my ex and I have always agreed on. So I would expect that a step mum would uphold those rules when i am not around.... the rest i can negotiate.... Im not perfect - no one is..... im just hopefull that since the kids are the most important thing to my ex that the person my ex ends up with will genuinely care about my kids... because if they didnt and they were being narky or nasty to them then i would have a problem but then i guess im comforted becausr i know that if they were that way theyd soon be out the door....

Tracey - posted on 03/12/2012

1,094

2

58

What do you when the step parent doesn't want you and tolerates your presence only to keep their spouse (your bio parent) happy, and constantly implies that you are not their real family.

Stifler's - posted on 03/12/2012

15,141

154

604

I have wondered the same thing. I get it it must be hard watching someone be step mum figure to your kids but seriously what's with the picking and mean spiritedness. it's not in the best interests of your kids at all to be having shit fights.

Julie - posted on 03/12/2012

126

21

7

In an ideal world yeah...



But parents aren't saints, they're human beings. Flawed, sometimes petty, jealous, protective or overprotective. Some people go through so much pain in a divorce it becomes difficult to see the forest for the trees, they feel they're being "replaced". Some parents aren't supportive of each other, and sometimes with very good reason.



Not all couples who break up do so amicably or just because "things didn't work out". What happens when domestic violence, substance abuse, mental illness, etc are involved? What happens if a couple breaks up, say, because of domestic violence, and the aggressor never admits to it? Pretends the victim just "made it all up"? The new partner comes along and listens to one side of the story and judges the victim's character on the story the aggressor spun? What if the new partner mistreats the child, or forces the child to accept a situation in his/her own time and way? There are literally thousands of permutations of how a relationship can form and break up, and not all of these situations make for a peachy blended situation when new partners enter the scene. You just have to try to do the best you can as a parent; sometimes that can mean positive coparenting with step-parents, sometimes that means avoiding each other to avoid conflict in front of the child, etc.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms