what should i do?

Rosie - posted on 08/27/2010 ( 13 moms have responded )

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i have a 10 year old son who has high functioning autism. he has 2 friends, one of them doesn't come around much anymore, and the other one is his best friend. the thing is, is that this kid (his name is ray) comes from a house that is BEYOND, filthy. first couple times i went over there it was horrid. clutter everywhere, but she was doing dishes and trying to pick up a bit. so mainly it was just clutter. one time i went there to get him, and he wasn't coming downstairs so i started walking upstairs to get him, and i was hit with the most putrid smell i have ever smelled. it took all i had to not vomit everywhere. i was dry heaving over and over again. i was horrified about letting my child go over there ever again. my husband didn't want him to, but i felt sorry for my son having only one friend, and it's not this kids fault his parents keep what smells like dead bodies, upstairs. i want my son to have a friend, it's VERY hard for him to make friends because of his autism.

well recently it has come to light that ray has headlice. i panicked treated everybody in my family, washed everything, sprayed everything, and had the school nurses look at both of my boys and they don't have them so far. thank god!!! anyhoo, i'm furious that his parents didn't tell us about this, especially since grant just spent the night there on saturday. i don't want my kid to go over there EVER again, but i don't want to hurt my son. what do i do? do i let him go over there anymore? i don't want the kid at our house either. i'm at a loss. should i call DHS on them so they have to clean their house? i don't know, give me some ideas people!!!!!

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Jessica - posted on 08/27/2010

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If you really want this boy and your son to remain friends, maybe you should consider taking this LO under your wing and caring for him whenever you get the chance. Give him what his parents can't, a disease/risk/lice free environment to be happy and play in. It will take some work on your part but maybe you can use this opportunity to enrich not only your sons life but another innocent child's as well.

Isobel - posted on 09/05/2010

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where I live, you can't remove a child from the classroom for head lice anymore. we encourage it...and I always go back and check the whole class again a week after we find lice but...no, we can't refuse to let them into school anymore

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[deleted account]

If you seriously don't want him over at your house or your boy over @ his house then go to neutral territories like parks or McDs play place? If the child is allowed to go to school then he shouldn't have lice, because if it is something the school found and sent him home they will check him before they allow him to attend class, so I wouldn't necessarily use that as the only reason to not allow him to see your kid :( How sad...

Isobel - posted on 09/05/2010

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I agree with having him over to your house a lot...if the headlice stays for a long time though, I would consider calling CAS (or whatever you guys call it there) prolonged head lice can cause exposure to lots of other illnesses. (I'm the lice lady at my school)

[deleted account]

Maybe there is a dead body upstairs? This boy needs help. Call the authorities & maybe they will get her to do something.

C. - posted on 08/28/2010

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Quoting Jessica B: "It will take some work on your part but maybe you can use this opportunity to enrich not only your sons life but another innocent child's as well."

I wish I would have read her comment before I posted. She said it all.

C. - posted on 08/28/2010

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Wow, Kati.



Umm.. While my head is screaming 'CALL DHS STAT!!!' My heart is just feeling sorry for this little boy and how he has to live. Maybe you should be the mother to this little boy that he doesn't have right now. There could be something wrong, too. Maybe the mother is going through some sort of depression or maybe nobody really taught her how to take care of a household and kids. It's possible that when she should have been learning those things at a young age that nobody was either willing nor able to be there to teach her.



Either way, I wouldn't take that friend away from your child if he is a good kid. It's not his fault that his parents aren't taking the best care of him. If he's kind to your son and likes to play with him, invite him over to your house. And try to tell the mother in a nice way that you would like to be notified next time her child is sick or has lice, that way you can be sure your family doesn't catch anything. (Put it in a nicer way than that, though) I would maybe try to go over there and offer to help her pick up and clean, too, and if she jumps at the chance you two can talk and maybe find out what's causing the mess. Maybe the husbands can watch the kids while you help her do that or something. She obviously needs some kind of help, but there may be more to it than her just being a filthy person.



Good luck! It's a hard decision to make, that's for sure.

Katherine - posted on 08/27/2010

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Not that being Chinese is a requirement for taking shoes off....

Katherine - posted on 08/27/2010

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Oh man. I did ABA with an autistic child. His mother NEVER cleaned, I mean ever. There were alway piles of dishes in the sink, the floor had 2 inches of grime, the carpets were filthy, the bathroom had piss everywhere etc etc......I finally told her I was not coming over anymore until she cleaned up that house. She ws Chinese and wanted me to take my shoes off to boot. I said HELL no. Anyways sometimes being painfully blunt is neccessary. Especially if it's a health and safety issue. She was afraid that all of the chemicals had caused his autism and that's why she didn't clean. I told her there were other cleaning products that were organic that had no harmful chemicals.

Anyways, sorry I just know what it's like kind of.

Tara - posted on 08/27/2010

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I agree with the others, invite ray over to your house, have him wash his hands when he comes in if you can (we usually have the kids wash up after coming if from playing) and teach him as you teach your own son about personal hygiene, germs, cleanliness etc. have them play at your house as much as you can and when he does go over, keep it short and do your best to clean him up when he gets home.
I think the friendship is more important to your son.
Tara

Sharon - posted on 08/27/2010

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I would do Saras' option - invite the kid over all the time. I think this friendship is to important to cut it off.

On the odd occasion your son goes there - promptly bathe him when he gets home and nuke his clothes.

[deleted account]

When they invite Grant over, why not just say, "Thanks, we had plans, but we'd LOVE for Ray to come with us." Or something like that. That the boys still get to play and you aren't directly hurting the mom's feelings.

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