What would you do? (Not exactly a debate)

Kylie - posted on 11/04/2011 ( 9 moms have responded )

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So my children (2 and 6) have become quite good friends with an 8 year old boy who lives over the road. At first I thought he was a lovely, well-mannered boy who was careful and caring with my 2 year old son. But as we have got to know him and his family more things have come out that I am not comfortable with.
His mum allows him to watch movies like Jackass, batman dark night and family guy. He often starts talking about the shows to my kids and I have to stop him.
He has told my daughter Santa and the tooth fairy are not real.
He asks me questions about puberty and sex in front of my six year old, which makes me feel very uncomfortable.
He plays video games like GTA and always ask my hubby to play games on steam that are rated ma and r and when my hubby says no you are too young, he says hes played them before and his mum lets him.
He said to me he has a ‘big secret’ which I waited until my children were out of the room to question him further about. He told me his uncle molested his cousins and touched their bums.
I’ve also learned from his mum that’s he is ADHD and takes medication 4-6 times a day. ( I would never have picked it, he’s calm and gentle and can sit through and entire movie). I tried to talk to her about food additives and she just laughed. Every time I see him he has some preservative packed, high sugar food in his hands.
Also we found out his mum ran away with him and his sister because his father was beating them. He tells me he has no dad:(
I feel very sorry for him and have him over for dinner around 3 nights a week because he never wants to leave. He runs straight over to our place every day after school and I have to send him away while my daughter does her homework but he’s straight back over within 20 mins.
My children are very attached to him and my son cries whenever he has to go home.
I’m just wondering how others would handle this situation. My hubby wants to cut all contact with him to protect our children’s innocence. I feel awful for the kid , because he is a nice boy, I just think he has been exposed to way too much adult content and I also worry about him talking away some of my children’s innocence.
Any advice on what I should do?
Thanks

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[deleted account]

As the others have said... set some ground rules. Be the light in this little boy's life that he so desperately needs. He seems to be looking for love and boundaries, so should be fairly willing to follow some rules to NOT lose the positiveness he has found in your home.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 11/04/2011

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I think it is commendable that you want to help this child. The only thing that I can think of to help, would be to sit down with him, and set some house rules while he is over. He is old enough to understand not to discuss certain things in front of your children, and that some things are inappropriate to talk with anyone but his mom about. That you do not allow certain games in your house, or the kids to watch certain programs. That if he cannot comply, he will not be invited into your home any further.

I would also discuss this with his mother, and explain your concerns. It is not your place to tell her how to feed her son, so lay off about the adhd...she obviously is not concerned. The best you can do, is tell him and her he is not allowed over with his "goodies" and you can feed him healthy when he is with you.

Good luck.

Ez - posted on 11/04/2011

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I think you can probably manage the situation by explaining your rules and closely supervising the kids playing (at least in the immediate future).

It sounds like this little boy has a lot going on in his life, and has latched onto your family for some normality. And it's lovely that you're willing to include him, but it needs to be within certain boundaries. His visits shouldn't infringe on Lilli's homework time, or family meals. Maybe you can give him an hour or so window each afternoon (after homework and before dinner) where he is welcome to come and play?

Barbara - posted on 11/04/2011

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I am in the same boat! There are some very nice children in the neighborhood who love to play with my 3 year old, but they swear and eat junk and have been raised with different parenting styles. I panicked when my son started parroting some bad words from them, but I just told him that they are rude words and people might get mad at him if he says them and he hasn't said them since. I let him eat junk if they offer it to him. I figure the fact that we don't have it in the house makes it not a problem for him. If he were to ask me to go out and get him some junk food I'd just tell him that we don't buy that stuff. They play in our front yard, and if I keep the windows open I can monitor inconspicuously. I think it's good for him to see that he can have fun with people who are different from him but still be himself, and I've watched him refuse to take part in things like teasing and doing things he knows would be dangerous. I would say keep an eye on your own kids. If they seem to be suffering from their interactions with him, or unable to stick up for themselves with him then keep him out, otherwise I think it's ok, as long as you're keeping them all on your turf and keeping your eyes and ears open.

[deleted account]

The poor boy! It sounds like he's really fond of your family and probably feels safe and happy there (since he's always coming around and doesn't want to leave). It does sound like he's been exposed to way too much in his short little life. :-( It would be sad to cut him off, but I can see why you would want to limit exposure. Maybe if you talk to him about boundaries... as in, what you find acceptable and unacceptable. That he needs to realise that your kids are still little and things like Santa are important to them, so we shouldn't ruin their fun.

He's confided in you with his "big secret" (which I think is horrible that he even knows about that!), so he may be able to understand your rules if you lay them out for him. He's just reaching out to you from the sound of things and I would be tempted to try and help.

It's too bad the mother seems to indifferent. Okay, maybe preservatives aren't a big deal to her, but she shouldn't be allowing her 8 year old to play such adult games either! Although, he could be fibbing about playing such games, hard to tell unless you ask his mother.

I don't know, probably didn't help much... sorry. I'd explain the house rules to him if he's going to be allowed to continue to come around, maybe try to talk to his mother some more about his behaviour and be friendly with him. As long as he can follow the rules, then there shouldn't be a problem with him being around your kids.

Good luck!

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[deleted account]

Personally it is up to you and your husband on how much you all want to be involved with this boy. Yes I feel bad for him but he has a mother and it isn't you. If you don't mind the extra child around the house fine but also be aware of what your husband wants. Your relationship with your husband is more important than this boy who already has a mom. IF you think he is being abused in some way report her otherwise it is up to you on how much he is over. You can't stop your kids and him from being around each other. They ride the same bus, they go to the same school, etc. etc.

Amie - posted on 11/05/2011

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Kylie, the ritalin - it's either extremely low dose (a 5mg cut in half type thing), it's not that many times in a day or she's lying. There is no way a child would be able to function taking that many Ritalin that often during the day. However; if he's been on it for a long time and he's not properly monitored or his doctor is clueless, then it's possible. Not probable but possible.

Nicole took Ritalin 2 times a day to start with (1 - 5 mg cut in half), when those pills weren't enough - instead of offering her more throughout the day, she was put on a higher doses. She was lead up to slow release and eventually weaned off it.

She also doesn't have a diet packed full of crap, she was properly monitored and she had a lot of outside help (beyond us and the school) to get her on track to be off meds.

Kylie - posted on 11/04/2011

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Thanks everyone for the advice. I will talk with him about my kids being younger and to be careful what he says in front of them and why. I'm going to let him know in the nicest way that he cant be here every day on school nights. I agree there needs to be some boundaries in place.
Although i feel uneasy about the situation, I dont want to cause drama for her Juleah. I dont think he's kidnapped. They have family here in Australia and she has loans and works two jobs and both her kids go to public school so they would be on the system. Oh and the family in England know they are here ( I snooped his facebook page)
Does anyone else have a kid who takes ritalin 4 -6 times a day..is that normal? I know my brother has ADD and he takes dexies 2 times a day and he will take extra at night if he has work to do.

JuLeah - posted on 11/04/2011

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This kid might be a kidnapped case - maybe mom had good reason to snag him and maybe he actually has a good father looking for him who can do better



Medication one takes that many times a day??? I don't think so .... she may be drugging him, but I doubt it is ADHD meds



I'd call and report all you have offered here

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