When you get mad

Katherine - posted on 05/31/2011 ( 111 moms have responded )

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What do you do when you get mad? Stomp? Ignore? Seek revenge? Yell?


I just posted this in MWNTV, but I thought it would be a good debate too.


And how mature to you think your actions are? How do you respond to OTHERS reactions?

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Krista - posted on 06/01/2011

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there is no need to act so petty and childish for an emotion that can be controlled. My children do not even throw the kinds of fits I am reading some of you do.

Gee, thanks.

Nobody here is claiming that yelling, or slamming doors, or stomping is HEALTHY. However, last time I checked, we were all human beings. And goodness knows there are much LESS healthy ways to handle anger than those ways that we've seen here.

I understand the point that you're trying to make, but the way that you are expressing it, you're being rather insulting. I mean, you came thisfreakingclose to implying that Sherri was going to murder her children.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 06/01/2011

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Jessica, sorry gotta call you out on your shit. "My mother once said she would have murdered me if it was legal... cuz I asked her to divorce her child molester husband before she could see her grand kids... I haven't spoken to her since and hope I never do..."

Obviously there is some sort of hate, anger still lingering. You may not use the word hate in your house, but it is in your heart my dear. I am sure you have just cause, but your shit stinks like the rest of us.

Ez - posted on 06/01/2011

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Jessica, you are reading far too much into this thread. Sometimes we have light-hearted discussions on DM. This is one of them. Maybe take a bit of time to familiarize yourself with the feel of this board before jumping in to lecture the regulars :-/

Katherine - posted on 06/01/2011

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Jessica, I'm not sure how long you've been here in DM, but here we joke and laugh and have fun.

And we do GET MAD. It's a perfectly ok emotion. I'm glad you are better than all of us.

Charlie - posted on 05/31/2011

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See I don't think think yeling at people is productive ....sure it feels good and I will go and scream into a pillow if I am really frustrated but I won't listen if someone yells and I find people don't listen if I yell .

I find you can still be firm and direct and talk like you mean it without yelling at a person , I also think in my experience that people tend to shit their pants when you are calm , direct and choose your words wisely , words can be very powerful but I think they tend to lose power when you lose control of your emotions .

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Katherine - posted on 06/03/2011

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I just take the attitude I have no control over people, places or things.

Much easier.

Or you can take The Secret which is the power of attraction and assumes you attract everything bad that happens to you.

That's another topic in itself.

I need outlets, they tend to be taken out on the wrong people and I get irritated, but then I remember: I have NO control what other people have done. I can either get flamingly pissed or deal with it.

I know my attitude changed. It's all of Tara's posting lol.

Jenni - posted on 06/03/2011

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Oh yes. I'm a "AAARRRRGGGGHHHH"er too. ;)

I growl. Then my son always comes up to me and in his cute 2 year old voice says "What wrong mommy?" I confide in him and then I'm over it. :))

Bridgette - posted on 06/03/2011

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Sometimes I will just let out a big "AARRGGGHHHH!!", then walk away and breathe deeply. I tend to talk quieter but more directed when I am mad, so generally people listen and back off!

Kimberly - posted on 06/03/2011

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me i very seldom get mad, i am almost always calm about allot of things. its when i do get mad for example the first time i got mad in years my son was so scared of his play pen screaming in terror. i took him out put him in the living room threw the playpen into the living room and moved the spare bed into our room and made it so landon could not fall of of it. he fell asleep almost instantly for the entire night. it wasnt mad at my son, it was the fact that i was so protective over him that i was in such a panic to make him feel safe and secure. this is a prime example of me being mad.

Melissa - posted on 06/03/2011

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At first I tend to stay quiet and simply state what's upsetting me. My hubby is the type that can never be wrong, so he likes to try and talk in circles until I'm convinced that I'm either crazy, or a bitch for being upset in the first place. Pretty much any time this happens I get more upset than the last time it happened, so I end up yelling and telling him to shut up, that I don't want to hear him. It's really not the mature way to handle things, and I try to keep that as far away from the kids as possible, I just don't know how else to get him to shut up lol

[deleted account]

Hmm when i get mad i seek revenge ( even if it is only in my thoughts) i do tend to get loud sometimes i think my actions are immature but for the most part i always stand by them. When i am wrong i do apologize But when im angry i always let the person know right away and the reason. I have a mouth on me thats for sure and i love it.

Tara - posted on 06/02/2011

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To me Anger is an "end" emotion.

It comes after other emotions and other feelings are not addressed.

For example. You may be angry because your spouse is late and promised to be home on time yet again... but really your anger stems from feelings of sadness or disappointment or loneliness.

You may get angry at your two year old for running through the house squeezing his juice box so he has a steady dribble behind him, but really your anger stems from frustration at having a child in the house who seems to know no boundaries nor seems to care that you have to clean up after him. It comes from feeling irritated by yet another mess to clean.

When you get angry because your sister told someone something you had asked her to keep confidential your anger actually stems from feelings of betrayal and lack of trust.

When you become angry because your trunk won't open and you have a cart full of groceries your anger stems again from frustration (**Fucking Damn Trunk on My Fucking Piece of Shit Vehicle Fuck Fuckity Fuck Fuck**)

This time frustrated because I need a new vehicle and yet am stuck with the piece of shit.

When you become angry because there is an injustice in the world such as abusive fucktard parents etc. your anger stems from a sense of being powerless to help, from a sense of loss of faith in the human species, from a sense of frustration that you can't help every child nor make every parent act like a parent.

Your anger is the ending emotion that tells you that you have no where else to go with the issue at hand.

There is no where to go from being angry except away from anger and either back to the frustration, irritation etc. that started it all. Or to acceptance and tolerance for what can't be changed (like my stupid fucking vehicle that needs to have the flywheel turned by hand with a 5/8 inch ratchet while being dripped on my leaking power steering fluid for which there seems to be no cause nor cure for... blah blah blah...)



When we get to the point of anger it is a signal to look back a bit and find out what other emotion started it, what didn't get fixed or resolved or examined? If you are irritated and feeling lonely because your spouse works long hours and often comes home late despite promising to come home on time, and you try to talk to him and nothing changes and you try again and nothing changes or you don't talk to him and instead keep your feelings of sadness and loneliness to yourself, eventually those feelings bottom out at anger.

Then you must choose to stay angry (which as we've seen here is hard to do) or you must choose to address the issue and move forward. And if you choose to let your anger simmer in the background, you make a choice to love your anger more than yourself and your ability to let go of it.



There exists a sort of pyramid of emotions in our lives.

Bliss is at the top and Anger is at the bottom and in between are all other emotions that lead to either the top or the bottom.

When you get to the bottom you have no where to go but up.

How we deal with our anger will determine how long we choose to stay at the bottom where all we have is our anger.

My ex's problem was that he loved his anger so much that he couldn't let it go. He couldn't step away from it and choose to go up and examine the source of his anger.

He couldn't make the choice to want to feel happier, he couldn't make the choice to see his anger as a catalyst for change.

He became so used to his anger it was like a comfort to him. It was an emotion he could show easily, he felt like it was easier to maintain anger than it was to show vulnerability or sadness or fear or compassion or guilt.



Anger can run in the background of a relationship, between spouses or friends or family, but when it is the dominant theme in your life it starts to eat away at the good things like acid.

It leaves wounds that may heal but leaves scars that last a life time.



edited to add:

When I get mad at objects (frustrated) I swear like a drunken trucker. My current vehicle has been verbally abused on a regular basis for over a month now.

Merry - posted on 06/02/2011

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Yes I always apologize, he will too but im always first to say sorry. He processes anger slowly so his apology is really late IMO, but m always eager to get back to normal. So m saying sorry pretty fast! Then I always end up trying to analyze the situation to get it worked through faster and get him happy again. He admits I shouldn't have to do that but its just how I am.

[deleted account]

When I get mad with my partner I usually sulk first, then stomp around a bit furiously cleaning and organising things, then cry, then talk very, v...e...r...y... calmly to him about why I am mad, then usually I end up apologising (for sulking and stomping). When I get mad at my kids I breathe very deeply a lot and try to stay calm and talk to them, but often I end up yelling which I am not proud of and am really trying to work on that. My newest technique is to go eerily calm and quiet or remove myself completely, works a charm on the 2 year old so far, he really seems to understand then that mama is upset whereas if I yell, he just competes with me for biggest tantrum (and he almost always wins). When I get mad at others, I usually get a pale rage thing happening, calmly berating them on the surface while furiously simmering underneath to the point of shaking and silently plotting revenges that are never enacted.



I'm sensing a bit of a theme here, a lot of women take their anger out by cleaning, I thought I was a bit strange about that but I see it is actually quite "normal" (for want of a better word). I always wondered if it was like by cleaning and organising the physical space around me I was also attempting to organise my thoughts and emotions because after some furious cleaning I am usually able to rationally (although tearfully) discuss what is bugging me.

Kate CP - posted on 06/01/2011

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When I'm really angry (like furious) I'll scream and rage and I've been known to punch holes in walls. But it's been a long time since that happened. The last time that happened I found out some one had groped my (at the time) 14 year old sister and then told me to "deal with it". Yea, I dealt with it. He didn't LIKE the way I dealt with it, though.

Anywho. When I'm angry at my husband I talk to him. When I'm angry at my kids I try to talk first and if THAT'S getting me no where I'll either yell (depends on the kind of day I've had) or I'll give myself a time out so I can calm down.

I cuss like a sailor when I'm pissed. I've gotten better since my daughter started talking many years ago as she is quite the parrot.

[deleted account]

I hear what you are saying but remember it's just as unhealthy for them NOT to see anger- they never learn how to deal with it. Especially as we cant know if our kids have the same temperament as us. Actually if I have to get mad when I'm alone I Do go off and have a scream into a pillow or whatever- I have a really honest relationship with my kids- my daughter especially, simply b/c she's the eldest and comprehends more of what I say and my son tends to take her lead. So I'll just say to her "Honey, mum is really upset/angry right now but not with you. And you know how you sometimes need alone time to calm down, well mummy does too; so I just need to have a few mintues in my room to calm down ok?" And then she is fine with it. IMO children are only frightened by angry adults when they seem out of control or when the kids themselves dont understand what is happening. A few times my lil Princess has heard me having a yell into my pillow and has come in a few minutes later, quite calmly and put her arm around me and gone "You ok now mum? All calm again?" And I believe it's cause I have explained it to her, and that it's not her fault, so she gets that I just need to blow off steam. I think she has a quite healthy emotional life as a result as she's quite happy to tell others how she feels and is also very responsive to others' emotions- all the mums in her Prep class have commented on it. Again, not perfect, just doing my best with what I have and what i learned from my mum and my divorce. And thank God that has translated into something that has worked (for the most part) in my new life, my marriage to their dad and in my own head/heart. In other words I can live with myself these days

Stifler's - posted on 06/01/2011

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I didn't mean it was bad I meant you can't do it as badly as you want to with little kids and it's annoying when I get mad and I'm home by myself I can't just run off and cry or throw a tantrum or yell at people on the phone or I'll scare the shit out of Logan.

[deleted account]

Well said Bonnie- I agree katherine is very fair-minded, even when she disagrees with an opinion.

Bonnie - posted on 06/01/2011

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"Let's keep to your original debate or maybe you should think of another place to express your issues... I joined DM yesterday... but since you do not own this site, maybe limiting your hatred toward people you do not know should be on your priority list."

Jessica, maybe I missed something, but I don't see where Katherine was showing hatred towards you or anyone else. In fact, I don't think I have ever seen Katherine be like that in the time i've been on this site.

The last time I checked, it was healthy to let out your anger, not keep everything bottled up inside. Just like you can let out happiness and sadness, you can let out anger.

[deleted account]

I meant 'swearing' in that last sentence. And as a final note- the other person who I mentioned scares people with her anger- she has tried to kill people and loads of other frightening stuff; the positive I take from it- since she is a part of my life that i cannot avoid, my stepkids' mother- is that the children in our family have an excellent, concrete example of how badly things can go wrong when a person is ruled by their anger. Most especially when she went to jail b/c of her violence.

[deleted account]

BTW did I mention my kids are 5 and 2? And that despite my anger, I was listening to them playing mummy and daddy this morning and they were calling each other honey, using manners to speak to each other and at one point 'daddy' was clearly pissing 'mummy' off and she handled it by saying "daddy PLEASE could you close the cupboard??" No yelling, no sewaring no name-calling. Hmmm. Not too bad I reckon.

[deleted account]

Yowzer! I just came back on this morning and hasnt it gone to hell in a hand basket?? LOL!

Jessica I am the 'one who commented' about parental anger issues and whilst I agree with you that it CAN be learned behaviour; I also didnt mean to give you fodder for your argument. I blame myself, I didnt give enough info for you to 'get' my point of view. In summary- despite my mother's inappropriate handling of her anger all my life, I didnt learn my own lesson until after my divorce. My point being that yes, i did learn wild behaviour FROM her but I also clearly, had my own temper- BUT unlike her I made a conscious decision to hle my anger in a less destructive way. This doesnt mean I dont get angry- everyone gets angry even if they THINK they dont- but I have learned more constructive ways to express it. As I am human, I still screw up from time to time, but I forgive myself and try to do better next time. I also ask for forgiveness of those I hurt. My kids arent as perfect as yours, clearly, but what i think I am teaching them- that I believe is healthy is- it's ok to get angry, it's not ok to hurt people b/c you ar e angry. So I let them yell if they want to- but not AT people, if they do, they have to apologise. I let them hit their pillow if they want to- but NOT people. They are never allowed to name-call and they have to use their words. If they feel they cant do that without being unkind they are to go lie down or be alone until they can calm down and speak calmly. Weirdly, although I let them express their anger, they actually now self-regulate. They take themselves to lie down/be alone, then they come back and talk calmly. If they have escalated too far, they know it and they go, without prompting, to the person they hurt with their owrds or yelling and they apologise. So... I'm not perfect and nor are my kids but I think we're doing ok for the most part. And I'm sure as hell doing better than my mother.

I agree with Katherine quoting Tara- "Anger is useful, anger lets us know when something has changed that will affect our moral compass. It exists to warn us of issues that may harm our mental and emotional health. It is what we do with our anger that determines whether or not it's a "good" emotion or not.


Superbly said. "

Karen - posted on 06/01/2011

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I clean excessively if i'm just mad. But if I'm right out P.O'd I will cry. Weirdest thing ever.

[deleted account]

Yeah Laura! You're too nice! ; ) If it's his fault HE need to apologize. Don't apologize for the sake of ending the issue when it isn't your fault!

Charlie - posted on 06/01/2011

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"Depends what made me mad
Husband matt- go silent, then apologize"

Laura do you always apologise ?

Merry - posted on 06/01/2011

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I have never slammed a door,......hmm never thought to do it! What kind of teenaged girl has never slammed a door? I'm weird. Never thrown anything either, never hit anything. I shut down. I don't act out. And I like to go silent and thoroughly think through everything and formulate a plan before addressing my source of anger. So turns out well I think, I end up defusing the situation by going silent, then I come a it ready to fix it with all the right intentions cuz I'm not mad anymore!

Merry - posted on 06/01/2011

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Depends what made me mad
Husband matt- go silent, then apologize
2nd old Eric- yell, :( not proud of it, working on it!
Objects-mutter under my breath some swears :)
Friends- I don't show it, avoidance
Pets- yell
Sister- get snippy and rude

I think I'm pretty mature around others, not so mature with Eric,his two year old attitude rubs off on me I guess! Not so mature with the pets, but I guess it's publicly I'm pretty put together, at home the monster emerges.

Charlie - posted on 06/01/2011

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Supressing any emotion is not healthy , everyone should be allowed to express that within reason and control reguardless of whether you are happy , sad , angry or excited .

~♥Little Miss - posted on 06/01/2011

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Anger, happy, sad, excited, depressed...these are all different emotions that have certain reactions that go along with it for each individual. I think it is much worse for yourself and everyone around you, to bottle up your emotions and pretend like they don't exist. Everybody reacts differently. It is simply an expression of ones personality. You may not like that I get mad and yell, but I may not like that you break down and cry. Should I hold your feelings against you???? NO

Stifler's - posted on 06/01/2011

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Reading Katherine's post about dumping beer out just brought back memories of camping before I was even pregnant with Logan. I accidentally spilled my beer at Theresa Creek and yelled at everyone else about it. I think I've had to bottle my emotions a bit since being home with a baby constantly you just don't have the slack to throw a tantrum when you have someone else who is entirely dependent on you while your partner is at work. I feel weird saying that and sometimes I do yell or screamcry like a really angry cry but mostly I just cry.

Katherine - posted on 06/01/2011

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I'm angry right now. More like flustered. Nothing seems to be going the way it should be.







****EDIT: WAHHHHH!!!

JuLeah - posted on 06/01/2011

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Depends on what I am mad about. I admit, I have neg. opinions of anyone over 3ft in height throwing a temper tantrum. I don't like yelling, or name calling.

I can usually, 'use my words' and I have learned it sucks to say things you later have to take back or make amends for.

I learned the hard way, never express anger via email.

Cassie - posted on 06/01/2011

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It takes a lot for me to actually get mad. If I'm annoyed, I let the person know but I don't think I've ever yelled in anger. It's just not in my nature...

[deleted account]

I haven't read everything yet, but I'm getting the impression that Jessica is either a saint.... or she's got a heck of a lot of repressed anger.



WHY do we act 'childish and immature' when we are angry? Cuz we are HUMAN. I haven't seen anyone say that the way they react is RIGHT, but we ARE human.



I am a yeller. I have no shame in admitting that. Do I LIKE that I yell? Nope, I hate (oops... I said hate) it and I do fight against it and try to do better, but I am HUMAN so a screw up. Trust me. I now live in a house full of yellers and I know how screwed up that is, but, again, flawed human here and not afraid to admit it. ;)

Rosie - posted on 06/01/2011

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when i get mad? it depends on who it's with, and that REALLY bugs me. why? because people can piss me off royally and i'll usually keep my mouth shut, and then go around bitching to other people about someone that pissed me off. lame i know.
when my kids piss me off, i get PISSED and yell. it's my major parenting flaw. i hate it. i do it the most with my oldest child. he drives me batty. he has ADHD, OCD, and i'm positive he has aspergers or high functioning autism but hasn't been properly diagnosed yet. anyhoo, he is a ENORMOUS handful. i don't have the skills i need to handle him, and yeah i yell.
i wish i could tell people when they make me angry. well, i tell my husband most of the time, other times when it's things i know won't change or can't change i just get pissed, bitch a little about it to my friends and bury it. deep. my husband and i rarely fight, and when we do, we don't yell.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 06/01/2011

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Tara, on a serious note, I am glad you got out of such an emotionally abusive relationship,..for your sake and your childrens.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 06/01/2011

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I wish I could re-direct my anger into cleaning....my husband would probably CAUSE fights!

Tah - posted on 06/01/2011

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yes Marina..my husband says i confuse him as well..because i also get quiet when im pissed beyond belief so he doesn't know if i really just dont care or if he should be preparing for a roundkick to the temple..lol...When my son royally screwed up a couple months ago he put himself on punishment because i didn't utter a word to him for a week at least. he came in, went to his room, T.V stayed off and he ate dinner standing by the fridge after we were done, and i had not even talked to him about what he did..lol..

~♥Little Miss - posted on 06/01/2011

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Oh, and if I do not get the last word in? Never happens ;)

Tah - posted on 06/01/2011

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Jessica, i read your reply and i have to say that you have some deep rooted issues and a right to be just as angry as anyone else. Im sure we all know when people say "o i could kill her", on here especially in a light hearted conversation like this where it helps us get to know one another, i probably wont turn on the t.v and see that Desiree has stapled her children to death because they are bickering in her office. I hope you have sought counseling because it's okay to be angry. If my mother said that because of the reason you listed, id be a bit miffed myself...

~♥Little Miss - posted on 06/01/2011

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Om that note...teehee....you don't want to see me mad. I have a very loud talking voice, so when I get mad...it gets LOUD! I tend to curse *big fucking surprise*, and sometimes when I am really worked up....I get so high pitch only dogs can hear me. Also, I talk really fast naturally, so if you don't know me...and I am mad...you may not understand a word I am saying...loud, high pitch and fast! BAHAHAHA....

BUT, if I get mad to the point of silence? And I get really calm??? That is not a good sign.

If I get so mad that I physically need to get rid of the energy, I go punch my pillow behind closed doors so no one can see....then go for the fastest walk I can possibly do for as long as my little legs can carry me.

Mel - posted on 06/01/2011

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Marina is right just that statement alone did tell me you had issues you had no dealt with and that you ARE angry about them. Understandable though, that is a big issue to deal with and sounds like you have been through some heavy stuff

Desiree - posted on 06/01/2011

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right now i am on the verge of killing one of my kids. the constant fighting and bickering is driving me up the damned wall. And then they ask me for things while I am angry. No I haven't laid a hand on them and it taking all my patence not to loose it especially since at this very moment I am in the office and blowing up, will mean embaressing them in front of my staff......... GRRRRRRR! Kids!!!

Tara - posted on 06/01/2011

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I think it helps Steve and I that we were both in the kind of relationship where the other person didn't have or use any control over their anger, where they used that anger as a weapon to hurt the other partner. Since we have both lived that life for 10 years each, we both came into our relationship with the intention of not living like that. We respect ourselves and each other more because we have been on the other end of the nastiness. Neither of us wants to feel that way again.
I do think that certain people bring out the worst in each other. My ex and I were like that.
I imagine he will one day find another partner who he doesn't feel he has to scream at etc. etc. I hope for his sake anyway.
When we were married I thought that all relationships had moments like that, and that it was normal and healthy, But it's not. It doesn't respect yourself, your partner or the bond you have and are trying to strengthen.
Again anger is a valid emotion, there is no shame in that, but it is how you use your anger, how you harness it and give it out to the world that makes the difference in your life. There is a lot of self-satisfaction from being able to feel your anger, to let it have a place in your body for a short while and then be able to let it go, without ever having to inflict it on anther person to be free from it.

[deleted account]

I put issues that make me angry in the back of my mind and go on with my life happily pretending they don't exist.
Of course I know I should deal with them, but I usually just don't know how, so I don't. I'll probably snap one day : /

I do cut negative people out of my life. It's not hard for me, and the fuse is pretty short--I'm not giving someone who hurts me chance after chance.

I will forgive people who have hurt me and I have cut away. Usually takes a while, but if they make a sincere apology, and I can tell they mean it, I'll forgive......but not over and over again.

Bonnie - posted on 06/01/2011

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Depending on the situation and how mad I am, I usually stomp around and then yell, then I cry. Or sometimes the crying comes first. I never ignore though. I can't just leave things well enough alone otherwise I will constantly think about it and it will bother me.

Leah - posted on 06/01/2011

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If I am really mad I usually I find someone to vent to... someone not involved in the problem. This usually helps out a lot!. If it is between my partner and I, I will usually take a moment (or hr) to think about it and then talk with him when I can clearly articulate what it is that I need from him. We have been together for almost six years now and have never had a screaming match. Both of us have been in relationships like that and don't see the point. We are pretty good and speaking our minds and being respectful and acceptant of each others opinions and feelings.

Katherine - posted on 06/01/2011

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Anger is useful, anger lets us know when something has changed that will affect our moral compass. It exists to warn us of issues that may harm our mental and emotional health. It is what we do with our anger that determines whether or not it's a "good" emotion or not.


Superbly said.

Tara - posted on 06/01/2011

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With my previous relationship I was angry a lot. I felt confined and controlled. My ex was of the opinion that getting mad, really mad at each other was A-Ok as long as the kids saw that we had made up the next day.
He was a door slammer, a wall puncher and a screamer in my face. He yelled, he called names and he stomped around the house a lot. The kids hated it. They would say things like "Daddy is really mad today." or "Why is daddy cursing in the shower?" or "Why did daddy make you cry?"
I wasn't much into fighting back. But when I was really mad I would clean like a mad woman, I would ignore him and his stomping ranting. I would distance myself from his anger, like putting on a coat of arms. I would just ignore him.
As you can see his anger was more my problem. But... when I was angry like when I found out he had cheated on me, I am like Loureen, I wait and I wait and I choose my words oh so carefully to have the most impact on him.
I would very lucidly, almost psychotically tell him why I was mad. My level of control and calmness freaked him out more than any screamed insults or words ever could.
The only times I ever engaged in his style of anger was near the end of our relationship. If he slammed something I would go right behind him, open it and slam it harder. If he said "That's it, I'm going out for awhile" I would wait until he got home, grab the keys and calmly say to his face. "That's it I'm going out for awhile." and then leave.
I would also partake in a lot of crying at the end of our relationship. When he would shout me down, when he would slam things when the girls were awake and within ear shot, I cried. He hated it when I cried. It made him soooo... angry. Not sure why. Don't care now.

Steve and I have never fought. We talk, we discuss, we decide on things together. Anytime I've been even slightly miffed about something, I talk to him. Clearly and calmly as soon as I can. We work things out and move on.
My ex was a Pisces, I am a born on the cusp of Sagittarius and Capricorn. Not sure if that matters but since we were comparing signs I thought I would add that info.
lol
I think anger can be a very motivating emotion. When I finally decided to press charges against my former step-father for the sexual abuse I suffered as a little girl, it was because I was PISSED OFF.
I hadn't decided if I were going to call the police and have him formally charged. I was at a very vulnerable time in my life.
I had an appointment to go see my shrink and I couldn't go because of a snow storm. I was so mad that I couldn't get to my shrinks office when I so badly needed to see him. I was so angry, and then I started thinking about why I was so angry, I was so angry because there I was bawling and pounding my desk because I couldn't go see my shrink, but why did I need a shrink in the first place? Because of this ass wipe from my childhood. So he was the target of my anger not a snow storm. He was the reason I was there wishing I could be at my shrinks office, he was the reason I lay awake at night mad and angry at the world.
He was the source of my anger. So I did something with it. I called the cops and had him charged.
Anger is a chemical reaction in our brains, just as all emotions are. Everything we feel is created by a chemical change in our brain chemistry.
Anger is useful, anger lets us know when something has changed that will affect our moral compass. It exists to warn us of issues that may harm our mental and emotional health. It is what we do with our anger that determines whether or not it's a "good" emotion or not.
If you use your anger to kill someone, or key their car, or steal their purse, or post nasty stuff on their facebook wall, than you are taking advantage of your anger's true purpose.
If however you use your anger to stand up for yourself, to lead a cause, to right a wrong, to fix and injustice etc. than anger becomes a tool for change.
I don't think yelling and slamming doors in front of children is healthy, once in a while with a good explanation of why it happened and that it's not a good way to deal with anger is different. But if you use your anger to make people fear you, especially your spouse or children, than you are manipulating their emotions with your anger.
I think everyone should strive for more mature ways to express anger, but I don't think anyone is at risk of killing their children or spouse because they slam doors and yell.
All emotions are valid. I tell my kids this all the time. There is no shame in being sad, angry or hurt. The shame lies in how you control or don't control those emotions.
We are responsible for how we feel. And it is our responsibility to learn self-control with all emotions.
Too many people act without thought when they are highly emotional. Some people hit, yell or hurt, some people go quiet and ignore, some people cause others emotional pain.
Taking time to examine your emotions, give yourself time for the chemicals to re-stabilize and then speak is the best route to solving most issue surrounding emotions.
But we are all human and our nature is to react in the moment. It takes time and practise to learn to do things differently.
My kids are obviously "allowed" to get angry, it's what they do with that anger that I monitor and guide them on.
my two cents..

Jenni - posted on 06/01/2011

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Jessica, I think you may have taken what the ladies said (mostly in jest) out of context because you just don't know enough about them. A lot of the women who commented on this board are very pro-positive discipline mommies. I personally, was responding to how I react when I'm angry in general... not to my kids. It isn't the way I react most of the time, but when during times *I have* lost my cool. It was a light topic where we were admitting that even *we* lose our cool some times and that we're all human and not perfect. We were self-admittingly saying some of our actions were immature. We didn't need that pointed out to us in a condenscending manner.



I think it's pretty safe to say that the majority of us here, AGREE WITH YOU. That those examples of coping with anger aren't always the most mature way of dealing.



Sherri's comment was meant as a joke. (That's why ppl marked it as 'funny') she didn't literally mean she was capable of murder.



*sigh*



Just cool the jets a little, you don't need to come in with guns a blazing slinging mud at other moms.

Lesa - posted on 06/01/2011

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I used to avoid, or be passive aggressive and pretend it didn't bother me and then take my anger out on the dishes. Then I realized I need to meet it head on and discuss it like a rational person. I still retreat and ignore and pretend but I am working on being more honest with my feelings and loved ones. It is definitely a work in progress.

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