Who disciplines your child?!

Amanda - posted on 11/14/2010 ( 40 moms have responded )

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I have 4 children, and my ex and father of my 2 oldest was only there until my son was about 3, and my daughter was 2mnths. I than left because of the abuse from him, but he rarley disciplined our son. My 2 youngest children's father and I weren't even together when my youngest was born, and my middle daughter was only about a yr so she didn't really need discipline than. My fiance now doesn't have any children, and we tag team discipline. My 2 oldest have just started seeing their father and of course right now he doesn't discipline them, since he sees them every other weekend. I don't let my parents or my fiance's parents discipline our children, or anyone else for that matter. If my parents or my fiance's parents are babysitting and one of the children do something they aren't supposed to they send them to time-out, my problem is with my soon to be MIL and my father. They both think that spanking is fine and I don't. My father has spanked my oldest a couple times and I was extremley upset. He told me I didn't need to be. My fiance's mother says that it's not going to teach them anything with just time-outs, but they're MY children and I think what I say should go. My fiance has tried talking to his mother but she still doesn't get it...any advice?! And who do you allow to discipline your children??

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[deleted account]

NO ONE lays a hand on my children to discipline except me and my ex (well, not now, but he did). I don't care if my kids get sent to time out when they are under the care of someone else, but the first time I hear about someone else spanking my child.... that's the last time my child is ever alone w/ that person. If they were to spank my child in my presence... we wouldn't associate w/ them anymore. Period.

Your fiance's mother would never watch my children under any circumstances.

[deleted account]

Our family is very close. I expect the other adults in the family to discipline my children and I'll do the same with theirs. It's never been an issue. Of course, the parent will make the final decision concerning their own child. (Example, my neice asked me if she could join the younger kids in the church nursery and I said, "sure" but my brother-in-law came up and said she needed to sit with him during church...so I backed him up) But in the case of a neice and nephew fighting, I'll take care of it without checking with their parents. Or if my daughter is pitching a fit and I'm not readily available, the closest adult will generally handle it. But our family is extremely close.

[deleted account]

My daughter is only 12 months so no one has had to discipline her.

But when she's older? I guess it depends on what you mean by discipline. NO ONE is smacking my child. No one. Not me, not my husband, NO ONE and if they did, I would go ballistic (not in front of my child obviously) and would give them a good piece of my mind and I don't care if that person is my own mother. But if you mean telling her 'no' or 'stop' or tell her off for doing something, then who ever is looking after her is fine. If I trust you to watch her I trust you to tell her off.

Eliz - posted on 11/14/2010

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Everyone has their own disipline methods but people other than the parents need to respect what the parents decide is appropriate disipline.

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Jackie - posted on 11/16/2010

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I have a 3 yr old nephew (on Jons side) that is very strong willed and his parents discipline approach is pretty much to spank or swat or whatever you want to call it, when absolutely necessary. They are at our house pretty often and have giving Jon and I permission to do so if we need to. I would never ever do it but it worried me that because they feel that way that they would feel it's ok to take it upon themselves to use force on my little girl if they felt necessary. All I can say is, I hope I they never have to find out because it's gonna be a bad day for them. But in all honesty, i don't think they would because they've never seen me spank.

[deleted account]

But my daughter is 2. When she was a year old, she spent a week with her grandparents while my husband and I were on vacation. So she has spent some time away from us...but only with family. When she's in elementary school, sleep away camp will not be an issue.

[deleted account]

Dana, you made me think. I leave my daughter pretty often...with family. They ASK for her. But I've never left her with a babysitter, except the one we hire for church, and I'm in the next room. I'm not sure if I would leave Eliza with a real babysitter.

April - posted on 11/16/2010

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i learned the hard way that even the nicest families cannot be trusted. I left my son with a friend for just 30 minutes and when i came back, I saw my friend slapping my son's hand. I was furious. I never gave permission for her to do that. I know a lot of you would be okay with a hand slap but I don't believe in any kind of physical punishment at all.

Isobel - posted on 11/15/2010

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Yeah, that's a fair point.

I guess I forget sometimes how big my kids are.

Cassie - posted on 11/15/2010

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I completely agree Dana!! Right now, we will leave Kiera with our immediate family because we trust them 100%. My next door neighbor's daughter has offered to watch the girls for me any time I need her to but it's just not something I'm comfortable with.

We will not be leaving the girls with people other than family until they are completely verbal and able to tell me if something is going on that shouldn't be.

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Does anyone/everyone agree that there's a difference b/w leaving a baby/young toddler with someone vs. leaving a 5-6 year old?

To me, I guess it's less scary to think about leaving Roxanne with babysitters etc. once she's able to communicate better. Once I'm able to ask her how her time went, and she can answer me and carry on a conversation, it makes it less intimidating.

Cassie - posted on 11/15/2010

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Anyone we trust to leave the girls with, we trust to discipline the girls (well Emma is only 4 months so there's zero discipline necessary there). Our families know that we don't spank Kiera but rather use redirection and time outs if necessary. She really is a very good girl though and rarely needs anything more than a verbal reminder to be good.

If anyone other than Corey and I were to physically lay a hand on either of our girls, they would no longer be trusted to be them alone.

Isobel - posted on 11/15/2010

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and when the kids are alone with my husband(ish type person) he knows my style of discipline and does what he knows I would do...as do my parents.

Isobel - posted on 11/15/2010

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I do the majority of disciplining in my house because I am the bio-parent. I have, however, told all my Mom friends from the school yard that if they see my child doing something wrong to feel free to step in and stop them.

I don't really know anybody who uses physical discipline (that I know of) so that's never been an issue for me.

If anybody ever told me that I couldn't stop a child from misbehaving while I was babysitting, I wouldn't be babysitting.

Jodi - posted on 11/15/2010

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It takes a village to raise a child and my family is my village! Both of my parents, all of my sisters, my inlaws and anyone who babysits is free to discipline my daughter. That being said, we do not spank (just not necessary with my daughter, if it ever is necessary I'm not opposed to spanking.) but anyone who watches my daughter knows that. If anyone disobeyed that rule, they would not be watching my daughter again. You are the parent, you make the rules, and they must abide by that.

Serena - posted on 11/15/2010

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I do most of the disciplining because my husband isn't home much but yet they listen to him more. Maybe its something about that deep voice that strikes fear in their little hearts so he has no idea with what I deal with but thats another story for another time...
I have been in your position when my oldest was younger. My MIL actually criticized me because I didn't believe spanking should be the only form of punishment. I liked to use it as a last resort instead of only. Luckily they lived across the country from us so I would only have to hear it for a week or so at a time. Luckily my husband has come around and actually takes what his wife says into consideration instead of still listening to mommy for everything (only took him 30 years...) so now we (as a team) use other forms and she has started to see that maybe I was onto something...

April - posted on 11/14/2010

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@ Dana M "I do that Mom..it's whatever!' Roxanne is too precious...she IS perfect...I agree!!! :)

Rosie - posted on 11/14/2010

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my husband and i discipline the boys. other people in my family are allowed to discipline the boys. i would not tolerate someone hitting my child, but i don't have to worry about that my mother never spanked me.

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"My husband and I handle majority of the disciplining….but any immediate family have the right to step in and correct my son if he is to step out of line…if im there I will handle it, if not then they can..but I like a full report on what went wrong."

I quoted the above because that's how it works in my family as well. My parents and sister help out with after school care, so if they need to discipline my son I fully support it. Their discipline was good enough for me growing up, so they don't change their methods. I help with childcare for my nephews on the weekends, and same thing; if I have to put one or both in time-out, punishment, swat on the rear then that's fine with my sister.

Nikkole - posted on 11/14/2010

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I do the majority of the discipline around my house because my husband works so much but when hes home we both work as a team! Right now we live with my mother and its soo HARD to discipline my son because she will baby him and get him out of time out before his times up or whatever when we lived on our own he was such a good boy but now he has his days lol but if anyone sees my kids acting HORRIBLE or doing something there not supposed to they can tell them NO and come tell me but as far as spankings or smacks on the hand thats MINE and my Husbands job ONLY!

Stifler's - posted on 11/14/2010

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I would allow someone who is doing me a favour by looking after them to put them in the naughty corner/tell them off for being naughty. If they can get away with shit when they're not home disciplining them at home for being naughty is pointless. But they should adhere to your discipline techniques or it will just mess them up.



Edited to add: My son is only 9 months old so no one has had to discipline him yet.

Charlie - posted on 11/14/2010

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we both do , my mum does too when he stays over there for the night however she must use my methods of discipline , she must not smack or she will lose any trust i have to allow her to have him over night , its simple if she wants him there she WILL discipline him my way , i will not tolerate ANYONE laying a hand on my boys , so far she has been fantastic and has really taken to positive discipline which is a big thing for such a pro smacking person .

[deleted account]

Haha! Maybe I should elaborate -- I do most of the disciplining because I'm with her 90% of the time. Besides that, I can honestly say that no one else, with the exception of Chad and maybe my mom once in a blue moon, has ever had to say anything to her. I don't know about your kids but Roxanne is PERFECT! *winks*

♏*PHOENIX*♏ - posted on 11/14/2010

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@ Tah
No need to be sorry…in a year and a half we will be Married by common law :-}

[deleted account]

We're not at that stage yet but I suspect it will be equally myself and my husband. I hate it when other family members feel they have a right to discipline someone else child!

Tah - posted on 11/14/2010

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o..sorry, i was confused when you said husband...thought you took the plunge..lol..o well..

Lacye - posted on 11/14/2010

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I do the majority of the disipline, my bf doesn't really have the heart for it, but when we are at my family's house, and say i'm in the kitchen helping with the cooking and cleaning, my sister and her family jumps in. I have no problem with that. And when my daughter is over at their house, then she has to listen to their rules too, which are basically the same as mine for now because she is still little right now so there aren't that many. But if she gets a tap on the hand or on the butt, i'm ok with that. i know my sister loves her and wouldn't hurt her for anything.

But you are right, they are your children and if you want them to be disiplined a certain way, then your father and MIL need to respect that.

♏*PHOENIX*♏ - posted on 11/14/2010

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@ Tah
No…not yet, but I consider him my husband…and so that is how I refer to him…because he is more then a boyfriend
But thanks for the congrats :-)

Johnny - posted on 11/14/2010

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I do the majority of discipline, mainly because I'm with her most of the time. When my husband and I are together and both able to act, I do the discipline. He was raised with the hand and yell and wants to do things differently. I took a positive discipline class and have done a lot of reading & practicing, so I try to model it for him. He finds her so much easier to handle now that he is learning the techniques and how they'll work for her.

My parents also discipline her, and I agree with their methods. They spanked and yelled when I was small, but they took a whole bunch of parenting classes and changed their techniques when I got a bit older. Now, we are really on the same page and I find I actually learn a lot from my dad. He's a super Grandpa.

If I leave my child in someone's care, they are welcome to discipline her to the best of their ability, short of physical discipline. No one I know would do that, I'm fairly sure, so it's not something I worry about. Aside from my parents, and my husband's mom & sister, she's only been looked after by our neighbor (who uses 1-2-3 Magic) and the girl across the street who is 17 and great with kids. I'm not sure she uses a "technique" aside from calm, patience, and persistence. My daughter adores her.

If someone would not respect my wishes about discipline, or anything else related to her care, I simply would no longer allow them to look after her. I babysat, and did daycare for years. When you work in those roles, you are NOT the parent and unless there is a serious issue, you should always follow the parent's lead.

Leah - posted on 11/14/2010

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The only people that disipline my kids are my husband and myself. My sister is also like a second mother to my kids and I allow her to disipline them too, only b/c she is around enough to know how my husband and I do it and can stay consistent.

In your circumstance, I wouldn't let them baby sit again if they aren't going to respect your wishes. It is a undermining your wishes as the children's mother and is a rude disregard of your feelings. Stand stong, girl!

Tah - posted on 11/14/2010

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Ebony, you got married congrats sweetie....



now to the post, anybody that sees my kids acting like wild jungle animals can at least say, do your parents know you are out here doing, saying, acting..like this, you need to stop before i ring your bell, call, etc. Now family members can certainly step in, we are a close knit family and we have each others back, if one of the kids tries to sass their parents before the parent can even respond the closest aunt, uncle, cousin etc...is already there with a "what did you say and who do you think you are talking to"....The children know this and for the most part they act accordingly. Every now and again, yuo get a rebel. He may do something at home, or school, word gets around and the next thing you know, family is calling and coming over to check their behinds...that's how we do it....

♏*PHOENIX*♏ - posted on 11/14/2010

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I will add that my husband and I came from different disciplining upbringing….he comes from a strict Asian household where objects were used to discipline at times, and a hand coming across your body some way was no stranger….I came from a home where we got popped on our hands and that was the extent of or physical punishment.

And so in the beginning we had VERY BIG disagreements on how to discipline…in the end I won, because I feel that not all children need to be hit….some do! And I said straight up we are not going to be beating on the kids….yes your ok, but I know very well you think back to those time you were beat and feel sorry for the child in you.



I start of with a warning or two….then I hold true to my threat, if that doesn’t work then the pop on the hand comes….after that I wouldn’t know what to do, because my son has never step that far beyond…

♏*PHOENIX*♏ - posted on 11/14/2010

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My husband and I handle majority of the disciplining….but any immediate family have the right to step in and correct my son if he is to step out of line…if im there I will handle it, if not then they can..but I like a full report on what went wrong.

I think people have the right to discipline there children how they want, but when it borders abuse, then they need to be stopped and the children taken away permanently or temporarily.

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