Who's a bad mother?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Jenni - posted on 06/05/2011

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Yup losing temper and smoking. Blech. Two things I'm working on. Letting my own moods affect how I parent. Something maybe impossible to escape but I'm working on trying to identify when my own emotions are taking the driver's wheel in how I react to my children's behaviour.

Mel - posted on 06/05/2011

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losiung my patience like yelling when I would ideally love to be the most calm perfect mother in the world, but mainly, not doing the research for my first daughters health problems before it was too late we can never forgive ourselves for that. Not being able to attach myself to my first daughter, not being able to pick her up, but its all taught me to do it all right second time around and now Im so proud of being able to do it better this time, I have awesome bonding and attachment with my second daughter I could never act the way I did first and I truly think mother hood is just amazing

Petra - posted on 06/05/2011

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Smoking and taking my boy to child-care.

He spends more waking time with his day-home provider than with me, and this causes me some serious guilt. Also, he's picked my cigarette package off the table and out of my purse and tried to play with it (it is Mum's coveted toy, apparently) and I feel like an asshole that this still isn't enough of a kick in the ass for me to quit.

Other than that, I don't beat myself up much. He's a happy, healthy boy and funny as hell. I'm pretty sure my partner and I are doing most of it right :-)

[deleted account]

Shannin, that doesn't make you a bad mom! Maybe a bad neighbor lol??? Nah!!! If you didnt want him at your house there has to be reasons so you were probably doing your kids a favor. : )

[deleted account]

Feel a momentary pang of guilt or shame or ACTUALLY beat yourself up about? To me, there's a difference. Obviously I have moments where I realize that I could have done something better, but it does me no good to dwell on the past.

Jakki, what did you mean in your OP?

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Gina - posted on 06/09/2011

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TealRose,Thank you.You understand what I mean and I appreciate that. My daughter does like been an only child and I'm blessed to have nieces she is very close to.I do my best to make her happy,as long as she is, I'm happy too.

Gina - posted on 06/09/2011

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TealRose,Thank you.You understand what I mean and I appreciate that. My daughter does like been an only child and I'm blessed to have nieces she is very close to.I do my best to make her happy,as long as she is, I'm happy too.

Dodie - posted on 06/08/2011

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Hey Casey: When my youngest was born, her older sister thought it was great, because I included her--although she was only 15 months old at the time...chuckle!!--in everything from feedings to changes to rocking her to sleep! Did she have a hard time with the diaper fastening? Sure! Did she make a mess when she tried to feed her? Of course! It would take me all of 1 minute to wipe both their faces off--My oldest one liked to taste the baby's food in case it wasn't up to her rigid standards:)--& toss the bibs in the laundry & wipe off the highchair! It was worth it to see them grow closer every day! It did cause a couple of bad moments in later years, though, when the younger of the two didn't want two Moms anymore...chuckle!
Have you considered that you may be suffering from Post Partum Depression, which is often caused by a thyroid imbalance? Many of my friends & female members of my family have had to take thyroid medication for several months, & some of them for the rest of their lives! Ask your doctor about this. Don't beat up on yourself!! Just deal with it by doing something about it! Then there is the possibility that you are not cut out for full-time mothering! Nothing to beat yourself up over there, either! Many women have children because they love other people's, only to find that it is a completely different kettle of fish when YOU are the Mom!!
So, sit down with yourself, & think about it. Then google it. Then, once you have written down your concerns &, perhaps symptoms--in thyroid/post partum depr., these are weight gain, depression, serious forgettfulness, fatigue, crying, seeming not to be able to accomplish even rudimentary daily tasks like dishes--go to your ObGyn & ask her (hopefully, you have one that has children of her own!) what she thinks. Tell her you would like your Thyroid checked--T. stimulating hormone, T4s, & T3s. Also, your iron, glucose, & anything else that she thinks may be causing your problems! Don't wait. You're two year old still needs Mommy!!
God Bless...Dodie/Nana

Tara - posted on 06/08/2011

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I don't really beat myself up about much, but I have regrets.
I regret that when my ex and I split I didn't make more effort to get my oldest son to visit on a regular basis, that I didn't try harder to keep our lines of communication open.
I regret that I let my relationship with my ex affect my relationship with my oldest son. When we split, my son made a choice to side with my ex, he actually told me he was done with me as a mother because I tore our family apart. But he was 14 and was hurt and angry and even though I tried explaining that our relationship was toxic and that everyone would be better if we were apart, even though I attempted counselling with him, even though I emailed and called. I feel I should have done something, anything else so that he would understand that I wasn't leaving him, just the relationship with my ex.
He doesn't visit with me, and we rarely talk. And that makes me sad a lot. I miss him, he'll be 18 this summer and I feel I have missed the last 3 years of his life and that he and I don't know each other any more.
Sometimes I feel I did all I could, I still send emails almost weekly, asking how he's doing, how is life is, update him on what's new with me and the family etc.
I leave messages for them on their phone telling him I love him and miss him and hope he's doing well etc.
But he never emails back and doesn't return messages and rarely speaks to me if I see him.
I haven't actually "seen" him in over a year.
My girls see him every weekend when they go to their dad's they give me little tidbits about him. (I never ask they just say stuff like "Jonah went on a big fishing trip, Jonah got 100% on his exam, Jonah has a job as a junior sous chef etc. etc."
So out of everything in my life as a mom, that is the only thing that eats at my soul on a regular basis.
Other than that, nope, I'm pretty even keel, level headed and when I do lose my cool I don't usually beat myself up, as we are all human. I simply apologize and move on.

Jessi - posted on 06/08/2011

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Though I cannot control it.....my son's father being AWOL in our son's life.

[deleted account]

A lot of things, I have a lack of confidence. I believe it's apart of the pcos diagnosis & if any pcos mom sees this, they may understand. Right now, I'm disliking myself because my hair is falling out, & I can see it at the top due to pcos, & I can't do anything about it, but I am beating myself up because I want to be able to change it.

Casey - posted on 06/07/2011

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Now that I have a newborn I find that I have even less patience for my two year old and I find that I am constantly yelling at him and telling him to go away or be quiet I feel awful about it.

Gina - posted on 06/07/2011

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I also am chronically ill,I feel so terrible because I can't look after my daughter as well as I want to.They are times I'm knocked out because of the painkillers and it makes me feel like shit that I'm asleep instead of doing things with my daughter and husband. They both suffer because of me.Also my health means my daughter is a only child and I feel she's missing out not having siblings.No mother of the year here!

Dodie - posted on 06/07/2011

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Dear Jakki: Absolutely nothing!! I have two step-children, two "bio" children, & have had 5 foster children cross my threshold! Not to mention my youngest new Golden Retriever puppy!!...chuckle!! I never beat any of them. I never verbally abused them. They were all well-disciplined, in as far as I could teach them & they were open to learning. Were they punished? Oh, Yes!! Did a few of them have their mouths washed out with soap for lieing/swearing? Oh, Yes!! Did some of them get their bottoms smacked? Oh, Yes!! Did some of them lose their allowance? Oh, Yes!! Did some of them get their fingers smacked? Oh, Yes!! Were they all loved/know they were loved? Oh, Yes!! Are they all still in my life? All except one, who I lost track of awhile after she moved to Ontario & never came back, Oh, Yes!! I am the proud Nana to 8 Step-Grandchildren, 5 double-step-Grandchildren, 2 bio-Grandchildren, & 6 Foster Grandchildren!!
So, no, I didn't beat myself, or any of "My Children", up about how I raised them. I knew where they were at all times! And, the few times when I found out that I didn't, they knew that God had better help them, because they sure were in trouble with me; and, like God's, my punishment was swift & sure & age-related!!...chuckle!!
Here is an example: One of my Foster Sons was told, when his brothers--also fostered by me--were present, by his Wife, that he should call me & that I wasn't a Happy Mum at the moment. He tried to get one of his brothers to call. One of them said: "Hey! I'm not in trouble with Mum! I'm not calling her! You call her, yourself!!" (Repeated to me by the third, & eldest brother, & the first one's wife!! What a hoot! They still want to have my respect, even in their twenties & thirties!!:)
Anyway, God Bless...Dodie/Nana

Shannintipton - posted on 06/06/2011

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cha-ching . . . You just hit the all four ratings and won a life time of . . . .nothing.

Shannintipton - posted on 06/06/2011

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I told the neighbor kid my son was sick because I didn't want him at my house.

Jodi - posted on 06/06/2011

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I'm trying to find out what happened :) Not getting too far right now. Long story, but his dad left town recently, and there has been a lot of uncertainty. I suspect there is a bit of underlying emotion about that. Not cool. But doesn't make me feel any less crappy about it all :( We'll get through it though, I'm sure, because he IS actually a good kid.

Jane - posted on 06/06/2011

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@Jodi - if your son punched someone and that was out of character you may need to find out what the other kid did first. My son punched someone (to make things worse, he punched a girl, albeit one who was bigger than he) but the teacher was a witness to the fact that the girl had been name-calling for quite a while. My son should great restraint and tolerance for a long time. However, the girl then slapped him, and that is when he finally lost it.

Our schools have zero tolerance for violence so he got sent to the principal's office, as did the girl. However, the girl was suspended for starting it while my son was just given detention. In fact, the school called and wanted to know if I wanted to press charges for assault.

If you can find out what set your son off you may be able to lessen his punishment, but more importantly, you may be able to teach him how to deal with a similar situation in the future.

[deleted account]

He's always been a talker....even before he could talk, he would babble in different tones and get mad if I didn't babble back. The conversations from 2 & 3 years old were mind boggling, and he's 6 now and still going strong.

Jodi, remember, it was out of character--they have their impulse moments and make bad choices just like we have ours. As adults, we have enough control not to punch someone, but he's a kid. You didn't go wrong, and I hope everything works out at the school. I know you are in Australia, but in the US, you have to hit people A LOT before expulsion.

Mel - posted on 06/06/2011

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I also feel bad every time my daughter goes to stay at my mums and comes back with crappy language or I find out things I really dont like but I dont have the guts to speak up.

Mel - posted on 06/06/2011

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you didnt go wrong Jodi these things happen *hugs*. I know its not the same but there was a bunch of about 12-3 yr old boys play fighting but realy rough outside chicken treat and on the road the other night throwing each other into the windows next to where we were eating even when they came in to chickn treat I felt uneasy so we left, and I was totoally amazed by how polite one of those boys was when trying to get past him to get my kids out, moving for me, apologising , helping me. Kids sometimes do these things but doesnt mean they are bad kids or have bad parenting at all

Jodi - posted on 06/06/2011

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I feel like a bad mother right now. My son punched a kid 2 years younger than him in the jaw at school and is under threat of suspension. Totally out of character and I have spent the last 5 hours beating myself up over it wondering where the fuck I went wrong....... :(

[deleted account]

Kelly- Get a portable dvd player....worked for me. ; ) Seattle traffic takes *complete* concentration and focus or you will not make it home in one piece.

I don't know if this is guilt or just despair but we live in Washington and everyone I'm close to is back east. I feel horrible that my kids dont know them, that they aren't sharing our lives and sharing these amazing children with me. It just isn't fair. That is the main thing that effects me negatively. I'm pretty good with my kids. I had them later in life (first at 33 years) and had struggled to have them for years so I was well prepared. And from growing up in an unstable and abusive environment I know what *not* to do. Having them in my 30's worked out well bc it gave me my 20's to overcome and deal with the scars of my screwed up childhood. I was ready for them. That doesn't mean there aren't bumps in the road. There are always things I could have handled better or done differently or things Ive beat myself up over. We all have those 'wtf was I thinking' moments ot a lapse in good judgement. What's important is that it IS a momentary lapse and NOT a lifestyle.

Stifler's - posted on 06/06/2011

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Once I was so agitated with logan that i yelled for about 5 minutes then put him in the high chair with food and sat in the corner and cried for like half an hour. I was pregnant it was so bad.

[deleted account]

And - of course - the worse thing is screaming at the kids and flying off the handle with no warning.

And being sarcastic.

[deleted account]

Eeek - I started this post last night and didn't even have time to write my own story... and I just saw that 33 of you had answered! Wow!

Anyway - I beat myself up a lot about various things:
* not being able to play games with my kids - I mean sit down and play monopoly, cards, dollies, imaginative play, craft, drawing, etc etc I absolutely hate doing all that stuff, have hated it since the kids were toddlers.
* not being better organised and doing home-work
* being "off with the pixies" and not listening to them properly.
* not having any idea of how to dress them nicely

OK - but I'm not completely down on myself - one of these days we should have a discussion about what we're good at!

Emma - posted on 06/06/2011

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I agree with Sara H. I feel bad when I am bf my baby and my older boy wants me to play...or when my baby is crying because she wants picking up but i am busy getting my boy ready for bed, etc... Also, if im tired and lose my temper i feel really bad!

Lady Heather - posted on 06/05/2011

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Right now I get tired way too easily. Sometimes I want to take her to the park, but the thought of getting us both dressed, putting on the sunscreen, packing up the bag, walking over there and the inevitable tantrum when it's time to go home...it's all too exhausting. I feel like we're lucky to make it in the backyard once a day. I keep hoping I'll feel better at some point this summer so I can be less boring. I also have a short temper that I'm trying to curb. It's hard to parent a toddler while pregnant. Boo.

Shannintipton - posted on 06/05/2011

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There are a million things. The one in just the last few minutes was that she fell asleep on the floor and instead of trying to bend down and take her underware off, (I cant bend down that well) I just put a pull up on over her underwear. We just got back from a parade and after being in the sun she was tired. I would have asked Mark to move her but he was asleep too.

Becky - posted on 06/05/2011

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I felt bad this morning because both kids were snuggling in bed with me and I was lying there resenting that they were keeping me from sleeping. I felt like I should be enjoying this brief time when they want to snuggle with me.
Other things I feel like I need to work on - yelling when I get frustrated, not keeping the house well, letting them eat too much KD, letting them watch too much TV, and me spending too much time on the computer.

[deleted account]

Kelly, I'm lucky that Roxanne is pretty quiet in the car. Is it just a stage that your son is going through or has he always been a talker?

[deleted account]

I don't beat myself up over it, but there are things I could improve upon.

The biggest....And I'm a little ashamed of this....sometimes I get tired of having conversations with J in the car and turn on the radio, roll down the windows, or tell him to be quiet so I can focus on driving. I DO love his conversations, but sometimes, I just need a moment to think on my own and focus on....traffic.

I hate it b/c I always thought the car was a great place to talk to kids about important things (think about it, they are trapped, sitting still, and strapped in). I want him to feel like he can talk to me anytime about anything, and I shut him out!

[deleted account]

Good point Dana. I probably fall more on the 'moment of guilt/learning from your mistakes' end of this.

Kylie - posted on 06/05/2011

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The amount of TV and technology my children watch/use. And the lack of friends they have before they start school. Oh and my swearing at other drivers when the kids are in the car (its a bad habit, Perth drivers are crap).I feel especially guilty when my youngest repeats back what I say eeek.

Charlie - posted on 06/05/2011

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" I try not to have regrets because everything that happens, happens for a reason and leads us down a specific path. I try to embrace that."

I feel the same way , I would rather learn from the past than wallow in it .

[deleted account]

Seriously though, and maybe is pretentious but I don't beat myself up about things. I try not to have regrets because everything that happens, happens for a reason and leads us down a specific path. I try to embrace that.

I do hate that I allow Chad to smoke around Roxanne. By around, I mean she can see him. I should insist that he not be in her sight, but I can't control him either. I dunno.

Charlie - posted on 06/05/2011

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I can't say I beat myself up about anything but there are a couple of things I wish were different but I do not dwell on it , like taking up smoking after 6 years off , that is the main one.

[deleted account]

Now that I have two, I feel bad for the one I'm not paying attention to at the moment. When I'm BF my youngest and my oldest wants me to play...or I'm helping the oldest go potty while the youngest is crying...

With my oldest I regret going along with mainstream society. I just listened to what everyone else said to do and didn't research things for myself. Now I'm attempting to look at all sides of things before making my OWN parenting decisions. Feels great. =)

JuLeah - posted on 06/05/2011

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Having been in a DV marriage. I got out, yes, but leaving doesn't mean the DV ends. When you have a child with that person you are in it for life. Their need to control, dominate, play games doesn't end.
My kid suffers for that. She is seeing things and learning things I would have never wanted for her. I beat myself up about that, even as I try to teach her how to turn it all into something that will work for her in life.

[deleted account]

I'm chronically ill which means I often can't take my son to his events/classes or even keep a clean house. I often have to go to bed very early (7-8pm) so he's alone.

I married an asswipe of an abusive man who was unkind to him and was all in all a lousy stepfather.

Nicole - posted on 06/05/2011

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I get frustrated when my kids are struggling with bed-time because in the back of my mind all I can think about is how much they are interfering with sex with my husband at that moment! I usually stick it out anyway, regret feeling so bothered by their needs and force my husband to come home for lunch so that he can make it up to me! I have more. Most of them the usual things that moms beat themselves up for (i.e. feeding the kids microwavable meals on the days on don't feel like cooking, realizing that my kids have no clean socks in the morning before sending them to school because I SUCK at laundry and they have to wear dirty ones, yelling when I'm frustrated, and so on), but I felt my frustration when my kids interrupt my sex-life sounded most selfish... After all, they are just acting as natural birth control when they do so.

Ashley - posted on 06/05/2011

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losing my temper as well or not being able to keep the house as clean as I would LOVE it to be

Jane - posted on 06/05/2011

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I am a terrible housekeeper, and my kids are soooo different in personality that I worry that I treat them differently in an unfair way. My daughter is an easy and cheerful child while my son walks around like Joe Btfsplk in the cartoon L'il Abner. He was the jinx, the guy who always traveled with a dark cloud over his head.

[deleted account]

I tend to be short-tempered at times, and that's all on me. It's something I need to change about myself. it's not fair that my son & husband have to be on the receiving end of my adult tantrums.

Minnie - posted on 06/05/2011

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High-intensity children with sensory integration issues can totally wear on you. My oldest hasn't been diagnosed with anything but I know she's way more extreme than most other children.



I feel bad for sometimes not meeting her where she is and expecting too much of her. But when I think of her personality positively, I can totally see her getting into the arts as an adult.

Rosie - posted on 06/05/2011

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i yell way to much. i treat my oldest different than my younger two. i like how i parent my younger two. my oldest has ADHD, OCD, and 2 docs have told me they think he may have high functioning autism but that still hasn't been officiall diagnosed yet. he frustrates me, i dont' know how to handle him. i'm trying i just lose it sometimes. ok, yes i'm shitty.:(

√v^√v^√♥ - posted on 06/05/2011

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I really felt bad about not breastfeeding for the first month my son was born as I was all set up to do it......... and then just couldn't. I also worry I won't be able to breastfeed my next son I'm due with in September for similar complications. But I have learned a LOT since then and I think even if I face this problem again I will be much more calm about it and come to terms with it much faster. Afterall, there are some women who breastfeed 3 kids just fine and all of a sudden the 4th they can't. My boyfriends aunt couldn't breastfeed her first, but did fine with her second. It just happens.

But I do go through phases of certain things - so far breastfeeding has been my only huge issue though.. well that and stressing out how I'm going to take care of my son with muscle spasms (luckily they are slowly on the downward slope.... man those are painful)

Minnie - posted on 06/05/2011

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The first 2 1/2 years of my first daughter's life. I breastfed and coslept with her, but went against my instincts in nearly everything else. Ugh I still hate myself for how we parented her.

Kate CP - posted on 06/05/2011

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I lose my temper sometimes. But the one thing I feel the worst about it when my daughter knocked out her front tooth when she was like a year old. I couldn't do anything to stop it but I wish I could have. :/

Joanna - posted on 06/05/2011

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Smoking and lack of patience. Also, not keeping the house neat and clean.

Stifler's - posted on 06/05/2011

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Not breastfeeding. All the time. I felt like I couldn't do it with either child and I don't have the pain threshold to continue it with this one. I don't believe either of my kids have ever had a full feed until satisfied from my breasts and it makes me feel like a failure. Also... I don't do enough "activities" with Logan like reading and stuff even though I do do some I get annoyed with him and tell him to go away when I'm busy doing stuff like folding washing and he's throwing the socks and stuff around.

Jenn - posted on 06/05/2011

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Losing my temper too quickly. My 5 year old son reminds me sometimes to take a deep breath and count to 3 (that's what I taught him to do when he gets riled up) and it always helps.

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