Why women can't be friends

Katherine - posted on 06/02/2011 ( 73 moms have responded )

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So I'm looking on Cafemom and this caught my attention. Why can't women just BE friends? I'll admit I do have more male friends than female, just for the pure fact that they don't get catty.

Plus the like to compete, no likey that. They size you up, who has a better kid, house, job......


What are your thoughts?

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Dana - posted on 06/02/2011

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I actually think men and women can't be friends easily. I think there are more complications with friendships of the opposite sex than friendships of the same sex.



I think women can be friends with other women as long as they're both mature people who aren't going to fall into petty bs.

Mrs. - posted on 06/02/2011

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It is truly bull that men and women can't be friends. Now, some women and some men may not be able to do it without the sex...but not all.

I have one friend, who feels like a brother. From when we first met almost a decade ago, we both always got on and had a sibling vibe. We have had ample opportunity over the years of being single at the same time to get it on if we wanted to. We have never even come close to it,, not a whisper of it. Even if there was on some strange alternative world, I wouldn't want to ruin the friendship. Some friends feel like family immediately....if it is a man, who cares?

Tara - posted on 06/02/2011

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In my adult experiences being friends with women comes easier than it used to. This seems to be because with children we have commonalities. I do know that many women do fall into the trap of competition and one up manship with other women. It's unfortunate but it happens.
I have friends and I have acquaintances. The ladies I spend Thursday mornings with at playgroup are acquaintances. They are the mothers of my kids' friends. They are people who, if I were childless probably would never hang out with.
Then I have friends who I only hang out with because they do not have children (or at least young ones). One of my closest friends is 53, her son is 30. We get together a couple of times a week for coffee or we go shopping together. Sometimes I bring the kids, she loves to spoil them, but sometimes I don't. Our friendship would be here without the kids being in the picture.

I used to have more male friends as a teen and younger adult. I still have a couple of close friends who are guys, but there is a different distance now that we are all married.
Women can be friends, they can have meaningful relationships, but they need to be mature and comfortable with who they are for that to happen.
Plus not all people like all people.
There are lots of people, male and female that I simply don't have any interest in getting know, nor the time to spare to do so.
My time is limited, my availability for friendship is limited.

Kate CP - posted on 06/14/2011

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Dodie, so far every post I have seen of your's has come off as rude and condescending and just damned insulting.

You need to work on your delivery method.

Charity - posted on 06/07/2011

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I have quite a few women friends. I haven't had a lot of guy friends since college. I know women can be crazy. So I'm careful with who I hang out with. If I spend some time with a woman and I don't like her attitude or how I feel when I'm around her, I make sure I don't spend that much time with her. I will be her friend and help her out (if I can) when she needs me. But I keep a distance because I don't want to be around someone who brings me down. You just have to be picky when it comes to who you're friends are.

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LorenaFritts - posted on 09/09/2012

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Well, I had lots of friends from both sides of the sexual wheel when I was young, but unlike the rest of you, I'm not as comfortable with women these days. They still seem to prefer to talk about other women, unkindly, behind their backs, and I don't think that I will be the exception.

I prefer the friendliness of men, but at the same time know they will stick with other men, when the chips are down. Probably, they are worried about seeming unmanly, but if that's the case, they are just as insincere as women. The answer is, as the lady said, go slowly, get acquainted, and then do your choosing.

User - posted on 09/08/2012

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@shan t : i totally agree i dislike friends for the most part i have 2 really good friends, 1 i never see we live in different countries (just the way i like it, we love each other but we both dont have the time for each other) and the other has her own busy life to lead we hope to see each other soon but not too soon. My son has a friend he sees 4xs a week cuz i babysit him and i get along great with his parents in the morning the little man is here and in the evening hes picked up so i guess i have 3 friends including his parents. But i dont like people to bother me and drain my energy.

Melissa - posted on 09/08/2012

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I have a hard time meeting other females that share my same interests. And its partly my fualt because I don't get out a lot. I mostly hangout with my husband. Sometimes a friend of his will come over, I'll meet their girlfriend but it usually doesn't become a friendship. And when it does I find myself to be the one to be making the effort to communicate.

I tell my husband that he should go have a guys night. But no. So I give up

Tracie - posted on 08/04/2012

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Not all women are catty and judgmental. If they are, then they are not really your friends.

**Jackie** - posted on 08/03/2012

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I definitely have more guy friends. My husband and I have "couple" friends but we all hang out together with the kids.

One time my husband, child, and I..along with our 2 married couple friends and their child were all hanging out at my house and my husband along with the other husband left for a fire call. They left us alone for a good 2 hours. FINALLY, they came back. She had no intention of leaving and I was too weak to give them any cues lol.

I told my husband that his actions were borderline abuse! lol not really (not at all) but he thought it was hilarious.

I just don't like most women. I live in a small town and it's very difficult to not run into someone you went to high school with. Also, they're just annoying. "Wah my husband didn't like my cooking, wah I have cramps, wah my kids are so bad" lol UGH zip it!

Lacye - posted on 08/02/2012

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To be honest, I just think women are bat shit crazy. LMAO! Well, let me rephrase that, MOST women are bat shit crazy. And it's not just the grown women, it's the miniature ones too! Girls are mean and spiteful just like their grown counterparts! I have met very few women (outside of my family) that I actually like to talk to. And most of them are lesbians or bisexual.

Chaya - posted on 08/02/2012

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I've seen that too, but I prefer my relationships to be face to face when they can be, and I prefer people I go to church with. If I wanted to get catty, they'd keep me in line.

Jessica - posted on 07/29/2012

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iI'm a single Mom who has no girlfriends. Only guys have befriended me.It sucks because I really have no one to gossip with or talk about kid stuff.my son has Autisum and I tried to join a support group and all of the moms where Married.I felt very out of place and not wanted there.I feel a lot of the time women have a hard time letting women into there circle who are not married, who are new , pretty ect.I just wish I could have one girlfriend to talk to!

Jessica - posted on 07/29/2012

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iI'm a single Mom who has no girlfriends. Only guys have befriended me.It sucks because I really have no one to gossip with or talk about kid stuff.my son has Autisum and I tried to join a support group and all of the moms where Married.I felt very out of place and not wanted there.I feel a lot of the time women have a hard time letting women into there circle who are not married, who are new , pretty ect.I just wish I could have one girlfriend to talk to!

Elfrieda - posted on 06/23/2011

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This is a strange idea to me, that women can't be friends with each other. Yes, there are catty women around, but I keep them at 'polite acquaintance' level if at all possible. I don't have a lot of friends, but the ones I have are women, not counting the "couple friends" that my husband and I have, where I consider the man a friend as well, but it would be weird to hang out alone with him.

I'm friends with my brothers in law (all 7 of them), and my three male cousins. But with all of them, it's not like I'd call just to chat (with one of my bros-in-law I would and did before he got married, but I don't want to make his new wife nervous, so I'm keeping more of a distance now.)

On the other hand, I understand the difficulty fitting in when women seem to discuss such boring things when they don't know each other well. Jogging, babies, house stuff, etc... in group settings, whenever I am in a really interesting conversation about ideas, at some point I look around and realize that I'm the only woman there!

LorenaFritts - posted on 06/23/2011

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Well, I moved here a year ago from my own home in another state to a small apt. I thought I'd make friends fast because I have always had a lot from both sexes, but the women are rude and awful. We are most all older women and one would think we'd hit it off, but they're all bitches. I've been nice to everyone for all this year, but decided to just ignore all of them and live my life. Luckily there are some nice ones in our church and we do get together for dinners, etc. so I'm ok, but would love to have a close friend here.

Abby - posted on 06/22/2011

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I am 30 now and am starting to feel the need for female friendships. I want to teach my daughter the things I was never taught such as not to be catty or at least how to make up afterward, and how to include everyone around her. I wish I had been taught these things earlier in my life. Female friendships are very, very important.

Dodie - posted on 06/19/2011

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I think that, as we age, we realize that you can't be a really good friend to very many people! I used to think it was. Now, not so much. I have quite a few people that call me "friend", but there aren't really very many that I would call "friend". I guess it depends on how deep a level of friendship you are looking for. When I was younger, I thought that anyone who was "friendly" was my friend. As I got older, I began to realize that this isn't necessarily so. There are people that, for years, you may look upon as friends, when they have been knifing you in the back for a long time. People do take advantage of good people. So, be careful who you look upon as a Real Friend. It's true what they say about how you can figure that out. Just ask one of your "friends" for a very important favour. It could be that you have a flat tire at 2:00 AM & need some help. It could be that one of your children get sick & you don't have the money for the meds s/he needs. Think about who you would ask in a case like that. Believe me, there will only be a few, & you can consider yourself lucky if there are any. Some of you Ladies may not believe that, but it's true. I have three women friends that I can call on any time or any place for any reason & know that they'll be there for me. On the other hand, there are lots of people who will come to parties at my house & smile nicely. However, most of them wouldn't hesitate to cut my throat if it was for something/someone they wanted that I had/was with.
So, be careful who you see as your "Real Friends". Check it out sometime. You might be surprised who steps up to the plate. It may even be someone you wouldn't think would. So, the next time your in a jam, call a couple of them & see who comes through for you! That's what Real Friends do!
God Bless...Dodie/ Nana

Katherine - posted on 06/19/2011

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Wow, I just realized how atrocious my spelling was. Didn't even bother to check.



What I don't get is why this thread is pissing people off. It's a DEBATE, nothing more, nothing less. We are talking about women being friends and why sometimes some women can't have female friends.



I lost a TON of friends when I stopped drinking *shrugs* I had to. I had to change my whole lifestyle. Now it's hard for me to make new friends. I also have trust issues. I have been back stabbed one too many times.



But really this is just a debate, so stop yelling at me!!!!!





Edit to add: And PM'ing me nasty messages.

Susan - posted on 06/19/2011

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Young Beautiful women with jealousy issues need to grow up. Life is to short. I love women, and have many good platonic friends men and women. I have so many good friends. I wish there was more time for all of them.

[deleted account]

As i'm getting older i have noticed i'm getting more even when it comes to male and female friends. I get along with both just fine although i tend to get along with my female friends better.

Johnny - posted on 06/14/2011

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My closest friends are women. I have 4 women I am quite close to, whom I trust completely, and who never get "catty". They are not in one circle. One is from college and is my best friend. She's never been the gossip type and our friendship has never really had a "low" point. We've been best buds for 16 years. Another 2 are from a group of friends that I met when I moved home after graduating. When we were younger we went through the "drama" phase but that is long over. I don't think that there has been an "issue" for at least 10 years. We are always there for each other. And the other close friend I met just after my daughter was born in my baby & me group. We are in a close group of 6 women who all met at this class. We've sort of paired off with the other person we have the most in common with, but it's never caused any issues at all in the group. Nicola & Avril are into music & art. Skye & Colleen are into exercise & travel. And Kelly & I are into politics & reading. We all share mothering, but those other commonalities have made us closer.

Frankly, I've been burned by lots of women. Mostly before I was 25 though. I can't think of it happening in the past 10 years. I think we all just grew up, became more mature, and learned to trust. Also, it probably helps that I think as I age I'm becoming a better judge of character. I certainly do not befriend just anyone. I have no friends from my work for example. But I will say that I've found COM is a great place to meet some FANTASTIC women!!!!

Katherine - posted on 06/14/2011

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I just don't mesh with women sometimes. I always get into stupid lttle fights and end up not talking to then for years.
Then, we talk again, then we fught again........IMO it's dumb. I have one close friend, thats it. (femal)

Merry - posted on 06/14/2011

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Hmm, I think I'm a weirdo now. I didn't realize most women had guy friends, I sort of figured girls had girl friends and guys had guy friends. I don't have any guy friends.......

Dodie - posted on 06/14/2011

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First of all, let me clarify something for you. My Husband is a Supervisor in a Large Oil Refinery. He talks to me about "stuff" on the job. After listening to his descriptions of the behavior of his fellow "bosses", as well as the other men on the job, one thing I have learned: Men can be just as "catty" as women!!
OK, next thing about women not being friends. Before you call anyone "Friend", make dam good & sure that you know what they stand for. Both men & women have their foibles. That means you & I, too, Katherine!:) So, pick the type of women that you want to be friends with, just as you would in any setting, not just your home. Also, be honest about how you approach other "new" women that you meet & yourself. I have made a good many enemies--women & me--because I am what some people would call "too forthright". Although some people use "honesty" as an excuse to hurt someone's feelings, I am not one of those people. However, even when they ask, most people don't really want the truth for an answer. So, whenever anyone asks for my opinion, I make sure that they want the truth. If I'm pretty sure they don't, I just ask them to tell me what they want to hear & then ask the question! I treat it as a joke, so very few people--even women:)--get offended. They usually ask for the truth after that & accept what I have to say as my opinion, not as Gospel.
So, before condemning ALL WOMEN, check out your own motives in all your "friendships" & see how genuine you are. Only then should you look at the motivation of others. I get along with nearly all the women I have met over the years, & that is thanks to the teachings of MY stay-at-home Mum!!
Good luck in your hunt for friendship within your own gender:)...Dodie/Nana

Adrienne - posted on 06/13/2011

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I have to say I agree to an extent. I definitely have more male friends than female. On the other hand I have more female friends now than I ever did when I was younger. But they are really close friends and detest catty behavior, lol.

And I've know plenty of guys who were even worse than women when it came to being nasty and catty.

Amanda - posted on 06/06/2011

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i would love to be friends with women but as it is i do not have many friends at all because women do the comparison thing...i can't talk to hardley any woman with out her saying something about how her kid is better then mine and its rediculous..my husband does not make a lot of money so they compare with that to but i just don't care so i choose to not be friends with ppl like that...i am trying to teach my son that all ppl are equal but then why do women insist on comparing their life with everyone else...husband money and kids its rediculous but most ppl do it....

Stacey - posted on 06/05/2011

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I have to agree with you on that one Katherine, all my life ive had more guy friends then girl friends. dont get me wrong i have a selective group of girl friends that im really good friends with but other than that i cant stand the drama and gossiping and sizing up BS like you said.

LorenaFritts - posted on 06/05/2011

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When I was a young woman, I had both men and women friends, oodles of 'em, but now I find women are so jealous
or something. They just are not very nice these days, always ready to rip each other and I find this especially below the Mason-Dixon line. I'm an older woman, now, and it's a puzzle to me. We should support one another, because it's for certain no man is going to hang with one of us against another man!

[deleted account]

Maybe I should check out DM....I've been busy this morning.....or maybe just lazy.

*waits for someone to provide a link*

ME - posted on 06/03/2011

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I've always had more male friends than female...I have a couple close girlfriends...I don't see them very often now, but I know that they'd be there for me, and that they do not judge me...I think it's sad that women are so vicious, but for the most part...they are.

Medic - posted on 06/02/2011

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Most of my closest friends are guys. Some have kids and wives and some don't. They are all guys that have been around since before my husband and I have never slept with any of them. I have like 3 girlfriends but I would much rather be with my boys. My hubby has his own friends and he doesn't mind me going out with the guys....they all have a mutual respect and understanding of where each of them fit in my life.

[deleted account]

I don't have friends. Nobody likes me......I live in a box and pee in the corner.

Bahahaha! Please excuse me...

Charlie - posted on 06/02/2011

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I agree Rebecca , I know in our circle of friends there are men and women , alway have been , always will be there really is nothing sexual between myself or my other female friends and our male friends in fact my male friends come over and visit when Jamie isnt home often ...we sit around , laugh , chat have coffee or watch notro circus LOL and Jamie hangs out with girls too and I have never come home to them hanging out and thought " OMG I dont trust this " or felt uneasy about it , I guess the difference is that they are all our mutual friends and not an exclusive friend although I have male friends that Jamie doesnt really hang out with but he is cool with that too , I don't really get the whole " you gotta be strong " thing either because I have never felt like i needed to resist anything with my male ..........it just isnt like that .

We are all like brothers and sisters and we have all been like that since at LEAST 15 years .

Joanna - posted on 06/02/2011

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Growing up, most of my friends were guys. I HATE drama, want nothing to do with it... And that's all there was growing up with girls. Now as an adult I befriend women more easily because I can pick out the good ones, the laid back ladies who live drama-free lives like myself.

Laressa - posted on 06/02/2011

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I have a lot of female friends. But what if your SIL is one to look down on you if the dishes didn't get washed, or the baby smells sour or their is crumbs under the high chair. How do you cope then? She is my daughter's favorite aunt and Luc's closest sister. I am always ashamed of my house keeping around her. I don't like my lack of perfection either. What to do when you've got a 3 mo old and a 20 mo old...

O well can't let one woman spoil my whole life.

Bonnie - posted on 06/02/2011

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Dana, I don't think it's always the matter of fact that a male friend has the hots for a female friend. I'm saying it's just sex, no meaning nothing. People seriously think that men can't have female friends without sex being involved in the relationship. I disagree with that.

Dana - posted on 06/02/2011

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Yeah, you've got to be strong, Bonnie but, what about your significant other? Should they have to sit by knowing that your male friend has the hots for you but, "you're just being strong"?

Jane - posted on 06/02/2011

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Then just don't compete with them. Change the subject, make a joke, ignore it. Eventually they will either stop as well, you will learn to look past it, or you will go off and find new friends.

Jenn - posted on 06/02/2011

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I have lots of female friends, although I do find it's been easier to expand my circle of friends once I had kids.

Katherine - posted on 06/02/2011

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The thing is Jane, I don't want to lose the 2 friends I have as sad as it sounds. I am at my wits end though. I may just take a break to re-group.

Bonnie - posted on 06/02/2011

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A lot of people say guys and girls can't be friends without sex, but I disagree with that. You just gotta be strong. Girls being friends with girls pose a problem often because of jealousy.

Jane - posted on 06/02/2011

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If you are aware that competition is a problem, then stop competing. Even if your other friends want to compete, if you opt out, they can't compete with you.

Believe me, not all women compete. In my experience, most do not. Some girls are competetive, but typically women are not.

If it keeps happening to you, then 1) rethink the people you hang with, and 2) rethink how you behave yourself. You may be inviting competition.

Katherine - posted on 06/02/2011

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I guess I find it hard to get along with women because of competition. It's always been that way with me. I do have 2 close female friends and that's IT. Most of the time we can't even get along for crying out loud!

It's always something that someone did to hurt the other ones feelings. So immature!

Kimberly - posted on 06/02/2011

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I have the greatest girlfriends ever! No competition, no sizing up, no one upping or comparisons or catty crap. Just a bunch of real down to earth chicks that dig wine, great food and love to talk. We love and support each other. The girls you describe don't make the cut in my circles. Zero tolerance for assholes. I have several great guy friends too. And I get along swimmingly with all my Mommy Group acquaintances. I guess I just look past the gender and just appreciate the person for who they are once it is established that we mesh and have commonalities.

Jane - posted on 06/02/2011

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I can't be friends with women like the ones you describe. They sound like overgrown teenagers, still in high school and competing for prom queen, head cheerleader, or the attentions of the captain of the football team. You know, the type of girls found in the book "Queen Bees and Wanna Bees."

However, I CAN be friends with women who are adults. We have some intersecting interests but we also have interesting things that we do and can talk about. We know that as long as your vehicle runs it doesn't matter what it is (unless you need to go to the dump or haul a lot of kids somewhere), Clothing can be nice looking but it is more important that it be clean and not interfere with what you have to do each day. And houses are houses, As long as the water and electricity work, the roof doesn't leak, the kids are well-fed, and everyone has a comfortable place to sleep, who cares?

Perhaps you need to find different women with whom to be friends.

Charlie - posted on 06/02/2011

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I guess what has brought us all ( my girlfriends from highschool )closer too is the fact most of us had kids at the same time so we are always planning playdates .

Now my best friends children are my childrens best friends , they are such a cute little crew !

Even still some of my closest friends live overseas thankfully we have skype , my other best friend ( who arrives today YAAAAAAAAAY ) lives on the other side of the country , we all make an effort to see each other .

Some people say friends are the family you choose and I believe that to be true , I love my friends and am lucky to have them :)

[deleted account]

Man thats why i cant be friends with a lot of females and the ones that i am friends with i keep them real close they mean a lot to me. I mean i think it is really important to have a girlfriend cuz if you cant even keep one female friend then the problem lies within. However because of those specific reasons it is hard to find good ones. I will admit i have been guilty of doing some of those things a couple times tho. . . :/

Mrs. - posted on 06/02/2011

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Generally, I find the people I am friends with have to be fellow low maintenance folks. My life can be busy and crazy - I can't give more to a friend than to my family and daughter. The ones who last are the ones who, no matter how long we've been apart, pick up where we left off with no resentment. I find, women are not often in this group. They can expect more and demand that you bend to a certain way of thinking — there is a lot of compromise.

Now, I do have two really good female friends who are like this. So, it is not all women that demand a high level of attention. I just find men can be less demanding in general.

I've always had no problem meeting people, it is the long term keeping up to expectations that I don't quite gel on with a good deal of females.

Sara - posted on 06/02/2011

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I tend to become friends with a certain type of person, and in my experience so far, that doesn't lead to cattiness between me and my women friends. I have several very good female friends from college. It's been 15 years and we're still going strong.

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