Will I ever find a good man

Lisamartindale - posted on 10/21/2013 ( 3 moms have responded )

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I've been dating a man now for almost 3 years, we both was still married but going through divorces, he made out he was completely un-appreciated by his x he has 2 gorgeous children who live with his x, the funny thing was after they split his x went to be happy and within 6 months she's found someone else who supports her and the children. The man I'm with lied to me and made me believe she had everything, they lived in a beautiful detached house hardly any mortgage he offered her a £4000 holiday and she said she couldn't wait till September to go she needed something else between January to September, I with my couldn't even afford a holiday so you can see why I believed him. Since then I've backed out of buying 3 houses with him because he wouldn't have a joint bank account bearing in mind I work full time also. I would have lost my tax credits. He was putting 60k into the property and me 30k but he straight away wanted a pre mutual agreement putting in place which I agreed to, he then wanted it writing up that if we split he wanted doing a % so that if we split he got the same % he came in with, he wanted all wills to be split 3 ways, this meant then my son would not get his fair share. The first 12 months he wouldn't take me and my so even off for a day out without his children but his x was been so controlling as to when he could have them and they were going all over with her and her new partner but me and my son were doing without. My son cannot stand him and wants me to let him go, I ended up buying a house on my own for me and my child, my child has a good relationship with his father who now lives with his new girlfriend and wants to be with his father moor and moor as he is getting older. I feel very alone with my child the only person who calls me is my 80year old mum who has just had a historextomy, she's had cancer and her breast removed and also angina, I've got 1 brother and 5 sisters who never call me or anything, my mum is all I have and I think this is the only reason why I cling to this man because I'm so afraid of been on my own. I know if someone came along who isn't selfish I would drop him so quickly. The one thing I regret is my x husband loved me so much and we could have got back together in the early days if it wasn't for all the lies this man had me believe. I'm pleased for his x she is happy now I know it wasn't her in the relationship. I honestly didn't think he was so selfish as they'd been together for almost 20years and I just thought well he can't have been that bad for her to have been with him all that time. How she has stood his tightness and how mean he is with money I'll never know. However he put all the deposit down on their home together all 20k and she put nothing, he gave her 2 lovely children and 2 months before they split she had him go for a vesectomy which he refuses to get reversed unless they're comes a time if my son goes and lives with his father. You see selfish or what I frightened of been on my own I have a history of panic attacks and although he is selfish in some ways he does run around for me a lot. We went away just me and him while my son went with his father to turkey for 2 weeks. Even then I paid for my own holiday and I had to buy my own drinks in holiday, he paid for a night when the bill came then I paid the next night. His x always accused him of been tight and through it in his face that this new man is supporting her and the children. Admittedly she got a good settlement from the divorce of 120k and has no mortgage now she does owe my boyfriend an 11% attachment on her home though when the kids reach 18. He even had that tied in as a % on her house but me I don't get a ditch out of him, he went to the shop the other day to get me some coffee and came back with the tiniest jar immaginable. I regret not staying with my husband looking back he was a good man compared to this idiot. I wish I had more friends and that I could find the courage to just get him out of my life. You see I have no one Christmas is coming up and my son is wanting to spend 2nd year running with his father, my mum is a Jehovah wittiness and doesn't celebrate it. However my boyfriend is there for me, we do have some fun times together with the kids and he does invite me and my son round for tea, he does me odd jobs on my house and stops over a couple of nights a week, he says he feels sorry for me a lot with how my son speaks to me and how my x won't put any structure in place to have our son because he has his kids no end 3 times a week. My son his lucky to see his father for 1 night every 2 weeks. He won't live with me and my son and he blames my 10 year old for this but his x wife when they were together accused him of not bonding with his own children. But I saw it very differently he adores his kids which is good and he takes them places but never takes my son anywhere and it's really getting to me. If only I could meet someone more mature who my son will admire, he hates this man and a lot of it is my boyfriends fault he doesn't support us financially at all and is so mean with money. Sorry for the long storey I could go on and on about the things this man has done regarding money. I would like to hear people's comments.

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Kari - posted on 11/19/2013

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Hmmm... I find it interesting that you mentioned his ex MULTIPLE times. Why does this matter? Sure, she got lucky & found happiness (& money lol) but that's her. YOUR problem is something you need to figure out & stop focusing on things that don't matter.
Here's something my mom always told me: do NOT buy property (or large expensive items) with someone you are not married to. Plain & simple. This man sounds shady as hell. Being alone isn't so bad. You can do it. Spend time with your mother....makes sense since she doesn't have anybody else.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 11/01/2013

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Sounds like you need to drop the loser, and move on.

You gave up on your marriage for a house of cards. You've since seen that he's false, and manipulative, and yet you're still striving to get him to pay attention to you, and your son.

This is harsh, but the reality of the situation, as I see it, is that you should have quit trying to find greener grass when you and your husband were splitting, and made some effort to get your relationship with your (then) husband back on track.

[deleted account]

Lisa,

You have you're own home. You have you're Mother even if she is in poor health. You have your wonderful son! You must also have a fairly decent job if you were able to purchase a home.
You have very much! Much more than you might think.
I am not saying you should completely shut this Man out of your life....but Lisa it just seems as though he...along with his issues are a lot to put up with when you do not HAVE to. See? Why not just keep a friendly relationship?
Do NOT move this Man into your home. He has already made some negative comments about your Son. If he moved in, it would be worse. Count your blessings and visit with your Man friend when your son is away visiting his Dad.
I think if you were to become married to this Man you would not be ANY happier than you are right now Lisa. I am sorry to say it does not sound as though he really makes you all that happy right NOW. Marriage will NOT make it better. Take it slow and keep you're independence.
Maybe look for another Man while you are at it! ;o) Just my opinion & humble suggestion. Best wishes to you!!

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